ozziegal8 Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 (edited) I have been dating a man for 9 months, he chased me prior to this for 8 months but i wasn't interested. After being dumped by someone else i gave him a chance and he grew on me.After our first date his x wife (they have been seperated for 2 years) started messaging me on facebook wanting to know where he was and for him to phone her as he was meant to have his kids. Their relationship was awful, she left him 3 times having numerous affairs and each time he took her back for the kids, 2 boys 16 and 15. We started dating things were good, i met his kids pretty quickly. A few months into it she appeared from behind a bush when we were on the beach, glared at me and pulled him aside and started belting him this was to do with me and how she thought it was too soon for the kids to meet me.The kids saw it and told her they were ok with me. The step daughter was also there and said i dont know why she is carrying on she hasnt wanted him for 10 years, they were married for 20.The next day she withdrew $6k out of his account to get him back.Since then things were ok he said she would get better.Then met someone and backed off.His family dont speak to her they all hate her as she has caused so much trouble.He also comes from a unhealthy upbringing.Things got good with us. He is caring and lovely.My family love him. About May of this year his eldest son started playing up. Smoking drugs at her house, she was never home. My partner trying to help. Things just got bad with us from then on, i started fighting with him about all this stuff. Sometimes he wouldnt be honest about what was going on with the kids and her and then i find out later. I felt he was lying to me.She wanted a settlement he gave it to her. The kid just got worse, he stole my partners wallet and didnt let on for 3 months after my partner found it after ramsacking his room for drugs. He even came to police station when it first happened to report it.My partner didnt discplined him he told his dad he found the wallet with no money in it, my partner believed him.Every time i saw my partner he was depressed.She would call a bit as well whilst we were together, blaming me for the kids behaviour and saying he wasnt spending enough time with his kids. Then my partners father got cancer he is now dying. The kid then got expelled after many suspensions. We were up at my partners house a few weeks before the kid broke in and lied to his dad that he was there as i was in the house.The kid was also bad before he met me.Then my partner confronted his son about lying he slapped him and the kid pushed him through a glass door and punched him the mouth.He had to go to hospital.He didnt speak to his son for 2 weeks the wife never made the kid call his son to say sorry. My partner tried to text his son to tell him his grandad was dying no reply.I have also asked my partner to get a divorce he said he will but he hadnt thought of it even though he has paid her s out.We had huge argument about this. I told him to leave and he slept in car that night due to drinking.I always have to ring and apologise he wont speak to me for days.This particular fight he took the kid away, i tried to phone him that night he didnt answer he rang me the following morning. He said he was working in the shed and drinking. The wife's text said dont worry she is getting a divorce and for me to stop hassling him and from what he has said i sound like a stalker. How would she know i was ringing that night? This made me worry all week. We went away last weekend and i felt weird towards him gave him silent treatment he was trying to be nice. Next day i just did my own thing and he just disappears doesnt want to sort it out. Thats all i need though, comfort.he told me she said she wanted a divorce he said good cos lisa wants me to get one, what why couldnt he say i want one too. Then my partners brother came over and his girlfriend they have similar issues and started arguing.i started crying i went to bed my partner came up didnt try and talk just shut door i said its over. he ignored me. i tried to talk to him later this turned into huge fight. i said this is not my baggage. he said dont you call me f kids baggage i didnt. he said my kids are no 1 you were level with them but not now. you have been awful to me all day. then he says she has been texting all day being nasty and threatening to turn oldest off him. we go to bed he doesnt talk to me in morning say's its all too hard. not working. she sends me another text saying he is a liar awful he likes to hit things and that she was with him in that house a few weeks ago wonder why he wouldnt answer your calls. I told him he said she will never let him be with anyone. after this he wont talk to me its been 5 days we had a holiday booked today he cancelled due to his dad on death bed. he said its not working you always fight with me i have never fought with anyone like this. he wont answer my calls. i dont know what to do now im so depressed i told him i missed him he asked y, he wont say he loves me, i dont understand as only 2 weeks ago he told me not to dump him and im the best thing that has ever happened to him. Edited September 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and moved to OM/OW
ThorntonMelon Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I would give yourself a 30 day break. This relationship sounds terrible but you're probably addicted to the drama right now. Not saying to make any decisions, just right now I'd respect his feelings for 30 days and see how you feel once you have a little room to reflect. 5
Author ozziegal8 Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 in what way does it sound terrible? is it my fault?
ThorntonMelon Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Who cares who's fault it is. He dumped you, theres ex drama, kid drama, sick fathers, expelled children, texting ex-wives... I am going to give you a hint, fair or unfair. When someone writes a missive like you did, and does it without paragraphs, grammar, or really sounding like you took a breath...you're emotionally broken. I realize you're probably typing on a phone or tablet and that's just how you write, but it's a good sign that your head just isn't where it needs to be. So just take a breath, a break. See how you feel in 30 days. 7
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Who cares who's fault it is. He dumped you, theres ex drama, kid drama, sick fathers, expelled children, texting ex-wives... I am going to give you a hint, fair or unfair. When someone writes a missive like you did, and does it without paragraphs, grammar, or really sounding like you took a breath...you're emotionally broken. I realize you're probably typing on a phone or tablet and that's just how you write, but it's a good sign that your head just isn't where it needs to be. So just take a breath, a break. See how you feel in 30 days. Your (ex) partner is addicted to drama and to his (ex) wife. 20 years he was married. This relationship is really unhealthy for you. It's doing damage and your partner isn't nice. He hasn't treated you well and he's cruel at times too. Sorry you're hurting but for your own protection and peace of mind, DO take 30 days to just be on your own. Let go and take a step back, see things from a more objective angle. 3
Author ozziegal8 Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 i know but i feel like its my fault for pushing and fighting and giving him the silent treatment that weekend when he needed me to be supportive. how is he being cruel?
ThorntonMelon Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I understand you want more advice than ours, but you seem to be ignoring it. He's allowing you to be absorbed into a heavily chaotic relationship. Your behavior was your way of trying to create normalcy in that environment. You can't recognize that right now, but even your subconscious is trying to get the hell away from that chaos. Your heart doesn't want to see it. 1
BC1980 Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Don't date someone who is separated. They need to get a divorce. People who are separated for years seem to have issues. I'm guessing he would take her back since he took her back 3 times before. He's not available. 6
dreamingoftigers Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Ozziegal8, did you kick this one yet? 1
mightycpa Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 The title of this thread, "Dating a seperated man with baggage" should be changed to "Dating a man with baggage and an extra carry-on" 2
ktya Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 in what way does it sound terrible? is it my fault? No its not your fault. Your only fault in the matter is staying in this web of drama for so long. I got mixed up in a not dissimilar situation but I said goodbye after 2.5 months. Similar in that she had recently divorced there were kids involved all over the place the ex husband coming and going, drama, police, bullsht stories being told behind peoples backs, the woman actually sounds not that dissimilar from the guys ex wife. If you stay with this guy you are buying into a second partner, the ex wife. Between the kids and his inability to set boundaries she will always be meddling and mucking things up. If you really, really love him you need to set serious ground rules. I'll suggest some: 1. He get some level of court ordered visitation and custody of his kids with very clear and defined rules. 2. He get a restraining order and no contact order against her. The kids are old enough to transport themselves from Mom's to Dad's. No longer speaking to her about anything. They dont need to jointly parent kids of that age. 3. He goes to counselling to learn how to set life boundaries. Otherwise just say sayonara to him and his baby mama drama! 1
ktya Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 The title of this thread, "Dating a seperated man with baggage" should be changed to "Dating a man with baggage and an extra carry-on" LOL dating a man with baggage inside his luggage with an extra carry on
mammasita Posted October 9, 2014 Posted October 9, 2014 Oh lord, separated for 2 years? RED FLAG. That's more than enough time to get a divorce. 3
Author ozziegal8 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 So, after 8 months of me doing extreme counselling and no contact im still in a bad way. In the end i lost he dumped me blamed our arguing. we only argued about this situation. i find out later she was dating sites throughout our whole relationship. i then get accused by his kids of vandalising his car, i got abuse from kids i didnt even know, he even abused me. I have never even spoken to him since the day we broke up. He wouldnt take my calls, I now see they all friends again, the wife, him and the kids. The wife has now gone into business with the father of her first child after my x pretended the child was his for many years. I cannot believe it. Photos of her x and her hugging and my x boyfriend has pressed like on fb. She has poisoned them. I got a threatening text from her, i didnt reply i went straight to police, when they said your husband she yelled X husband dont call him my husband. She also said she wasn’t happy about her kids harrassing me. hmmmmm i just dont get why my x just suddenly disappeared and treated me like i was the leper or evil one. I also found out he pretty much moved on to a new relationship within 2 months of us breaking up. I cant believe it i feel so rejected. I thought we broke up as he wasn't able to have a relationship cos of his wife and kids. Not sure why he would do this? Our last fight was violent i pushed him and he pretty much punched me maybe that as it? I also am older and wanted a child he didnt want one maybe thats y we split?
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 I thought we broke up as he wasn't able to have a relationship cos of his wife and kids. Not sure why he would do this? Our last fight was violent i pushed him and he pretty much punched me maybe that as it? I also am older and wanted a child he didnt want one maybe thats y we split? He can't have a relationship because he never moved past his first one, but he continues to drag people into his mess and get them addicted to his drama. He abused you and has not yet divorced his wife. They sound dysfunctional and they drug you into it. But, the question you're asking (I'm not even sure why you are still asking this) is why you two split? Because he's emotionally broken, he broke you emotionally, and those relationships never last. 3
Author ozziegal8 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Ozziegal8, did you kick this one yet? sorry kick?
Author ozziegal8 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 thanks, do you mean emotionally broke me cos of his mess? in the kids and her messages they called me a lonely pshychopathic old hag, wonder where they go that from
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 thanks, do you mean emotionally broke me cos of his mess? in the kids and her messages they called me a lonely pshychopathic old hag, wonder where they go that from Yes, among other things. Poor kids. They aren't your problem, though. Just move on and don't look back. 3
beach Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Keep doing the counseling. Ask the counselor to help you understand why he was so unhealthy and why you didn't recognize what a gift it's been not being with him. The guy is bad news. Be grateful you dodged a bullet. He's pure scum. 2
Author ozziegal8 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 that's a really good statement to ask as a lot of them except one dont tell me how bad it was for me. one said it was your both your faults, you arguing with him and him feeling weak cos of your arguments?
minime13 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 among other things like??? He drug you into a mess that he shouldn't have. He has no control over his children, and their actions speak volumes for the household they grew up in. He's been separated from his wife for years, yet still hasn't filed divorce. He jumps from relationship to relationship, while still being married and involving his wife (not his ex-wife, his wife) in those relationships. He's verbally and physically abusive. His kids call you names, and that comes from either him or his wife. That is a mess that nobody should be brought into. All couples have arguments, but what he brought you into is just plain damaging. Keep seeking counseling, like the previous poster suggested. I'm sure that you were not faultless in this relationship, but this type of person is toxic and dangerous to be around, much less try to get involved with. Make a list of things you want and value in a relationship. You want kids - that's one that is important. Work on moving away from this, and having more confidence in yourself. Work on yourself, period. 3
elaine567 Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 that's a really good statement to ask as a lot of them except one dont tell me how bad it was for me. one said it was your both your faults, you arguing with him and him feeling weak cos of your arguments? He had a ready made family that had issues, you enter with the mindset that you and he are a couple, but actually you and he were joined at the hip with his ex wife and his three kids, so there were 5 of you all vying for his attention and a dying father to complete the mix. Never mind the fact he was a betrayed spouse(BS), and BSs have all sorts of issues all of their own having had to cope with a WS. YOU should have bailed as soon as you knew that. He was a man under so much pressure and you just added to it unfortunately, so you had to go. You were put in a horrible position and just reacted, I cannot blame you wholly, but learn and don't go looking for a father for your unborn children amongst those with such obvious baggage. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 He had a ready made family that had issues, you enter with the mindset that you and he are a couple, but actually you and he were joined at the hip with his ex wife and his three kids, so there were 5 of you all vying for his attention and a dying father to complete the mix. Never mind the fact he was a betrayed spouse(BS), and BSs have all sorts of issues all of their own having had to cope with a WS. YOU should have bailed as soon as you knew that. He was a man under so much pressure and you just added to it unfortunately, so you had to go. You were put in a horrible position and just reacted, I cannot blame you wholly, but learn and don't go looking for a father for your unborn children amongst those with such obvious baggage. hi elaine what is a WS? i dont think there was anything wrong with me wanting a commitment do you? why would he jump into another relatioship so quickly when it was such a mess when i was around? makes me feel rejected and whats wrong with me and whats the new one got that i dont?
elaine567 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 hi elaine what is a WS? i dont think there was anything wrong with me wanting a commitment do you? why would he jump into another relatioship so quickly when it was such a mess when i was around? makes me feel rejected and whats wrong with me and whats the new one got that i dont? WS = Wandering spouse BS = Betrayed spouse There is something wrong with looking for commitment from a partner who was in no position to give commitment. He had unfinished business, unresolved issues and ongoing family problems. He was not thinking straight and you suffered. I guess he is a man that needs someone in his life, hence the quick replacement. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, this was a mess, just be glad you are now out of it completely 2
Recommended Posts