Dating again

[Jadedbyluv]

A few weeks back I got my heartbroken. It wasn't a long relationship by any means but I fell for the guy. Despite people saying it was too short to develop any real feelings for him, I know what I felt At 29, I've dated a lot of guys and I never felt that way for anybody. I never felt that connection people talk about, and we had chemistry on many levels. At least that's what I thought. I thought it was real, and we had something promising. Until he basically disappeared.

 

Even though I've been hurt, I want to get back out and date again. I'm an incredible woman with so much to offer any man and don't want to wallow in self pity wondering what happened. I'm trying online dating again just to get back out there. But dating again completely terrifies me. How do you let go of the fear or being hurt again or worse that someone will just disappear out of the blue? How am I supposed to get back out there when, apparently having everything going for you as a couple means absolutely nothing (not even a friendship or, at the very least, a goodbye)?

 

I want to date with the right mindset. Don't want to go into it with a negative frame of mind and it being a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

[preraph]

Every relationship is a learning experience. It's true that sometimes what you learn is that you can't always trust that things are as they appear to be. It's rare a person is one hundred percent open about everything, so what we see is two things: what they want us to see and what we want to see. It's not a perfect system. What seems like love one minute can be destroyed by some small thing that doesn't fit in with the image of the ideal mate inside the other person's head.

 

Relationships have value even when they don't always last, and the best thing I can tell you is enjoy them while they're good and get out when they're not and remember that you will always have those memories but it doesn't change that it's over. But it being over doesn't mean it never happened. It just means it didn't last. The love is inside you. It's not on loan to you from the ex. You get to take it with you when you go and use it on someone else.

[Zippy2000]

Tell us about this man that disappeared. Did you meet him online?

 

What was the background and how did he disappear?

 

I believe people who disappear from your life slows you down from moving on as there isnt any sort of closure.

[PinkCarnations]

Yeah same thing happened to me.. It took me about 7-8 months of pining after him (in my mind) and wishing I'd hear from him again until I found a new guy to crush on.. Also found him on a dating site. Unfortunately, after a month or so, things faded once again.. But it is what it is; you gotta just shrug it off and keep your heart open for the next guy. Also, this one guy who burned me years ago just randomly called me earlier (middle of the night). He wasn't drunk or anything. He said he thought of me and wanted to see how I was doing. We live across the country from each other so it def wasn't a booty call. However it took me by surprise because I know he's been seeing a younger girl the last year or so.. Anyways point is, things happen when you least expect it. It's funny how I was feeling so rejected after getting faded by the last few guys and then the one guy I last seriously liked/loved called me out of the blue.

[Jadedbyluv]

Tell us about this man that disappeared. Did you meet him online?

 

What was the background and how did he disappear?

 

I believe people who disappear from your life slows you down from moving on as there isnt any sort of closure.

 

I posted a few times about the guy I was dating. To sum it up, things went very fast from the beginning. Like a whirlwind. He often talked about the future, even moved in together. Told me he loved me then became distant almost immediately after doing so. Gradually became more distant until he said he was leaving the country to to go to Africa to do humanitarian work. No idea if he went or if he just made up an elaborate lie to stop seeing me. Because he never said goodbye.

 

There was absolutely no closure. And I know I will never get closure. It's possible he might show back up one day from Africa but I wouldn't want to be with him despite what I felt for him. You just don't do that to someone. Especially when you said you loved them. That's not love.

[todreaminblue]

the best way to avoid this from happening is to get to know someone before you date them to have common friends and people who know of them and their life....so you have some kind of anchor.....it is more unlikely if you date someone who is in your circle of friends or known of by your circle of friends that they just disappear and thats fact...it is also more likely they arent out to use you..deb

[Tayken]

OP.....if I may ask, do you know the ubiquitous definition of INSANITY?

 

You said it's only been a few weeks ago, and you are already jumping back in with both feet, and by the sound of it doesn't look like you have any lessons learned?

 

You need to back and find yourself some hobby to fill this void, perhaps volunteer or something, as opposed to seeking the next heart breaker

[Jadedbyluv]

OP.....if I may ask, do you know the ubiquitous definition of INSANITY?

 

You said it's only been a few weeks ago, and you are already jumping back in with both feet, and by the sound of it doesn't look like you have any lessons learned?

 

You need to back and find yourself some hobby to fill this void, perhaps volunteer or something, as opposed to seeking the next heart breaker

 

My therapist is the one who suggested I try online dating again. I did learn a valuable lesson; albeit a very painful one. I learned not to trust someone so wholeheartedly so early on.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I've always found the best way to get over somebody who broke your heart is to meet somebody new. Not necessarily a new partner, but just to get out there, get dating, get meeting new guys. It's a confidence boost, gives you something to fill your time with and you never know what you might find.

 

Last year I dated somebody from June until November when he broke up with me, I wasn't really sure why he just said loads about being too busy and stressed, he was mid-twenties and had never had a relationship before, I think he just mistook infatuation for love, and then it all wore off, whereas I had actually fallen in love with him. I'd had long relationships before and I knew what I felt was real. It hurt like hell especially after my ex before that had dumped me as well. I just couldn't work out what was wrong with me. Eventually I realised there was nothing wrong with me, it was with them, and both of us would be right for somebody else, just unfortunately not with each other.

 

So I started fishing about on dating sites pretty quickly, probably ended up meeting up with about 5-10 guys in total, from a coffee or two to a couple of months seeing one guy long distance but I just wasn't feeling it in the end. Just as I was about to sack off the whole dating thing and focus on myself and my job for a while (lots of dating does get dull) I met the most amazing guy in the late January and we ended up together. We've only been together nine months now but we moved away to a new city together and are blissfully happy. So much moreso that I can't believe when I look back how much better this is than what I had with either of those guys. Obviously I loved them and it hurts if I come across them anywhere and I'd rather die than be in the same room as either of them again but hey!

 

If you don't want to end up alone and eventually do want a relationship you just have to throw yourself back out there and give it a shot, not before you're ready though. I promise you'll meet somebody else and realise that you can be happy again. Then, that might go wrong too. But you just rinse and repeat until you find someone that sticks.