HoneyBfly3270 Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Hey Guys, I'm new here but I need some support. Let me start off by saying I'm not super super confident, I've been hurt a lot and looked for love from all the wrong kinds of guys. I didn't have the best upbringing when it comes to seeing a strong relationship with my parents. All they did was fight and argue until my Dad had to leave. I wasn't able to have a strong relationship with either of them, which I'm sure contributes to my issues with men and just wanting to be loved. 'm not conceited or vein but I would say I am an attractive young lady. I'm 26 so I'm still pretty young, I'm in school and I'm working towards building my life...the guy I'm with however, he's taken me off that path a bit. I have known him for almost 8 years, we met when we worked together and always remained friends. My mom passed away in 2009 which was a tough time for me. I wasn't really looking to date anyone but about a year after that we started seeing each other. Things were good for the first month or so, I figured I knew him so well that this would be a sure thing. He always seemed like a nice guy, worked, dressed nicely and not bad to look at. He had just come out of a relationship with a girl he was with for about a year and started showing signs that he wasn't quite over her. We weren't official for at least 5 months, and in those 5 months he would be talking to his ex, dissapear at night when he said he would come over etc. It came to the point where I told him I no longer wanted to put up with it and he promised that he would be better with those things. He eventually said "well...I guess now's a better time than any to be official". How sweet...NOT. He had lied several times and I knew it but he blamed it on the fact that he didn't know how to be open with someone because his whole childhood he had problems with his parents, they were strict and weren't concerned about emotions or feelings. They also got quite a few butt whoopings which I'm sure scars someone mentally and emotionally but the outcome is that he is a grown man who can't relate to anyone, express emotions or love someone. Anyway, I had known for awhile he would make comments about other women to his friends, or brag about the pregnant girl's boobs he got caught staring at to coworkers. I also found messages to other girls in a flirtatious manner. Why did I even stick around for those moments? I don't know. It wasnt until he moved in with me about a year after we started dating that things really turned bad. I had known there was a girl who he may have been interested at his job. He lied to me a couple of times about her, whether they went to lunch or something else. One day, I confronted him and said if you like this girl, you need to go. He said "Well , sometimes that happens in a relationship". And thats when I knew what I was going to be facing. Mind you, I had met this girl a few times, nothing to look at. One day, I came home from work, and he was in the kitchen cooking. I will admit I am one of those girls who looks through her boyfriends phone frequently and I'm glad I did. He had been sending E-mails back and forth that he forgot to delete to her talking about WHATEVER they did AT WORK in a STAIRWELL. I was crushed. I cried for days and days and he said he was sorry, he didn't realize how serious we were. REALLY!? We were living together! UGH! So, he still works there and so does she. It's been 2 years since it happened but it still hurts like just yesterday. He tried telling the truth for a change and decided that I should trust him by now. All you have to do is not lie ANYMORE because you got caught and I should trust you!? I pass by the job whenever I feel like I should be suspcioius, I'm constantly anxious about what him and her do, how the interact, even though he claims he won't speak to her and avoids her. What would have happened if I didn't catch him? I still see him looking at porn sites and facebook pages, he still tries to contact a girl he liked from YEARS ago, who played him and told him she had a boyfriend (shes also not that cute) but the worst part is I'm a pretty, shapely girl and he never says anything. I get so angry when I see him commenting on a picture HE sends to his friends or a site hes gone to because I feel like I should be that attractive to him. He's ruined my self esteem, had told me he doesn't know how to love me, so its been 4 years and neither of us say "I love you". He claims he doesn't know how to express those things, even if he thinks them. He also says because I don't trust him at all that it makes it harder for him to say nice things. It should just come naturally in my opinion! Basically, my issue is that I can't let go. As much as I want to, as much as I don't love him anymore, I still care. I also think it has to do with the fact that my Dad is not around much and my Mom is gone, my friends are all married or in serious, meaningful relationships and I just don't know where I fit in. If I ever want to be happy, I have to let him go, I just don't know how!
Mirages Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I'm constantly anxious about what him and her do, how the interact, It may be that you are anxious that you are his spare tire. Whatever your "qualifications," in life are, find your true identity and carry it with confidence. It may seem unusual to find one at 18 and still be with the same one, you are not the only one who did that, either way I can speak from experience that such an extended, devoted, singular relationship can lead to decision paralysis. Objectively you know the facts are that you are being played, there will be some smoldering emotions to step on from time to time. Eight years does not disappear overnight, your first sentence on confidence probably is the key.
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