I think my girlfriend raped me.

[KaliLove]

If you really think you were raped (which I don't)..why are you talking to us instead of the police?

[Taramere]

As she kept trying to have sex, I told her about that, and that she wasn't on birth control and could get pregnant. I said "I'm tired", "not tonight", "no", "we don't have condoms". The point I'm trying to make is that I had said "no" in several different ways.

Finally, she grabbed my penis and tried to sit on it. I reached for her hands to pull them off of my penis, she grabbed my wrist and said "*my name*, stop!" with a very angry tone.

I told her that she shouldn't get mad, I'd been telling her not to and I had to stop her some how.

She lets out a big "uuuurrrrrggghhh" and lays down with her back to me, then let out an annoyed sigh.

After a minute of me laying there not knowing what to do, I turned on my side and apologized. She said nothing. I told her I loved her. Nothing. I told her I didn't want to make her mad and then said I'd go buy condoms. Then she replies, "Well I don't want to be up all night talking about it so..."

 

I understand why you're not feeling supported, because I think if the genders were switched around people would likely be more sympathetic. Regardless of gender it's not a situation that a criminal court would regard as rape. There was a bit of aggression but ultimately she stopped when you said - then she used sulking and guilt tripping to get what she wanted. Certainly not something leading to a sexual encounter anybody would be likely to feel very great about though.

 

I think it can leave people feeling disrespected and somewhat violated - hence, perhaps, why the word "rape" comes into mind. However, ultimately rape is sex without consent...not sex with consent that was given in an unwilling, angry or resigned - but not a fearful (fear induced by the other person's threats) way. That a person grabbed you and didn't initially let go when you said "stop" would, if the two of you had no history together, certainly be a sexual assault. The fact that the two of you are in a relationship and were in bed together puts it in a different light though since there aren't anything like the boundaries between two people in an active sexual relationship than there are between two platonics.

 

It doesn't mean there are no boundaries at all, though. It doesn't mean that one person has a right to the other's body whenever they choose, and that the other person doesn't have a right to say no. I can see where the sense of violation would start to creep in if one person doesn't think there should be any boundaries at all, and that they have some sort of God given right to the other one's body. I think unfortunately as soon as somebody uses the word "rape" discussions become politicised - which doesn't necessarily help you to go in the direction that's best for you.

 

You say that she has a background of having been abused, and so it seems quite likely that this would have impacted on her sense of boundaries. Since you're split up now, that's for her to work out on her own or with a future partner. I suppose from your perspective you need to work on how to respond when people use sulking and passive aggression in an attempt to get you to do what you don't really want to do.

[Davidlarsson]

Too me it's rape. You don't need to commit to a full act of sex for it to be rape. Like she grabbed the guys penis trying to have sex with him, is a rape to me. Especially since you said no several times which she ignored.

[April Moon]

I understand why you're not feeling supported, because I think if the genders were switched around people would likely be more sympathetic. Regardless of gender it's not a situation that a criminal court would regard as rape.

 

I don't think it was a gender thing. She stopped, he got up and left, CAME BACK and then proceeded to have angry consensual sex. The coming back part is what is throwing me off. If you felt that uncomfortable about the situation, why would you return? I think what she did was wrong but not rape. I'm confused why the OP would want to still be with her since he was so affected by the situation.

[AltiumV]

i slightly understand the feeling of what OP is saying, to help clarify ill try to explain a similar scenario as to what happened with me.

 

My ex was nagging for sex once and i said no, she proceeded to continue and i constantly told her i was to tired and not in the mood, i eventually just gave up and let her have her way, although i partially consented i was having sex against my will outside of my comfort zone. although this is not rape the feeling that lingers within you can not be clarified with words which is what i believe people are failing to understand, i believe OP is trying to express this feeling and mixing it with rape, long story short 2 weeks after this incident she cheated and left me.... the feeling from it cost us the relationship im not sure. i can synthesize with OP with what he is feeling however it isn't rape you just feel.... degraded or that you soul was ripped out.

 

Anyway sorry to share my story but dw OP some females are just crazy when horny and there selfishness takes over them.

 

All the best

[BC1980]

It sounds like this woman is a manipulator and has him beaten down because he wants to return to her. Either that, it she really did a 180, he's still confused.

[Apparition]

I feel like this is a person attempting to troll or just a really stupid person.

 

First of all, you are a guy and could have easily removed her from your body and slept somewhere else, instead of the same bed with this "rapist". That's just ridiculous. She didn't rape you. She DID persist, but then she got off you and finally stopped. And you responded by going to go buy condoms? Condoms so she can "rape" you? Lol. You're an idiot, dude.

 

Leave that word for the real victims of rape. It shouldn't be tossed around so lightly like nobodies business. This woman is your girlfriend, and you just disrespected her by posting this. Also, some of the ***** you said doesn't add up.

[BC1980]

Is that sarcasm?

 

Reverse the genders here.

 

The guy tries to have sex with the girl and she keeps saying no. The guy tries to pull her panties off, gropes her breasts and rubs her vulva against her will, gets on top of her and tries to insert his penis, the whole entire time she keeps saying no. Then the guy finally stops.

 

Do you think what happened in that situation was OK?

 

No, that situation isn't okay, but neither is what happened to the OP. However, neither are rape but probably more like sexual assault. One big difference in that situation you described and the OP's situation is that he actually made the decision to leave, buy condoms, and come back to have sex. I stand by my statement that he could have stopped the entire scenario if he had truly wanted to. I think this discussion is getting sidetracked because of the word, rape, being used in the title of the thread.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

This is a very messed-up situation. While I don't think you were raped, you were definitely sexually assaulted, and that's not okay. You both have serious issues with communication and boundaries. Even if you broke up with her (which I recommend), you clearly don't know how to express yourself in an appropriate way. You should seek counseling, either as a couple or for yourself.

[webhead1988]

I feel like this is a person attempting to troll or just a really stupid person.

 

First of all, you are a guy and could have easily removed her from your body and slept somewhere else, instead of the same bed with this "rapist". That's just ridiculous. She didn't rape you. She DID persist, but then she got off you and finally stopped. And you responded by going to go buy condoms? Condoms so she can "rape" you? Lol. You're an idiot, dude.

 

Leave that word for the real victims of rape. It shouldn't be tossed around so lightly like nobodies business. This woman is your girlfriend, and you just disrespected her by posting this. Also, some of the ***** you said doesn't add up.

 

 

Maybe my wording was wrong, but the situation happened how it happened. She was about to sit on my dick. She was holding it upright, about to put it inside her as she lowered herself. While she was doing that, I said "no" again and grabbed her hands to pull them off of my dick. She then grabbed my wrists and told me to stop, as in STOP resisting. At that point, I used my arms to raise my torso from the bed and the get my dick out from under her.

She was not stopping, no matter how many times I asked and even after I gently tried to stop her when I grabbed her hands.

You might not understand how that feels and I can understand your skepticism. Everyone's skepticism. Because how can a guy get taken advantage of, right? We can just get ourselves out of the situation. Well I did. She ALMOST raped me because I almost didn't stop her from doing it.

I'm not a troll. I'm not a liar. I didn't want to have sex right at that moment and no matter what I said she wouldn't stop until I DID physically reject her.

I love this person and I didn't want to do that. I also didn't want her feelings hurt.

But I did not want to be taken advantage of and ignored like she did.

 

It didn't happen because IIII stopped it. The only reason I use the word "rape" is because I don't what else to call it.

 

I said no, she ignored it, told me to stop resisting, and would have continued had I not gotten out from under her.

 

I went to the store and bought condoms because after I stood up for myself, she got mad and wasn't speaking to me.

I did end up having sex with her that night, only because it didn't matter anyway. She didn't care about what she had just done and I knew she wouldn't even a day after. I had sex with her because I just wanted her to give a **** and that seemed like the only way I could get that.

 

Regardless of what I did AFTER, it doesn't take away from what she did.

 

I told her I wasn't in the mood, she ignored it as soon as she saw me. I told her again on the way home, ignored it. I told her no when we got in to need, ignored. I told her no because we didn't have condoms, ignored. She ignored me up until the point when I looked her in the eyes, grabbed her hands, and said "*her name*, not tonight." She didn't ignore that and told me to stop, again, as in STOP RESISTING. Then when I let go, she almost got it in and I physically pulled myself away. After that, she was mad and wouldn't speak to me.

 

I don't know about anyone else here but I don't like the people I love to be mad at me. I had sex with her after because I just didn't care. She had already shown me that what I wanted CLEARLY didn't matter so I did it anyway just to make her not mad at me.

 

I'm not weak. I do stand up for myself, which is why we aren't together anymore. I'm hurt because I love this person and we were building a future together.

 

One day, she changed. I have always been the last one in love ina relationship and the signs I saw were nothing but indications of that.

But I denied them. I wanted to keep trying. I caved and caved and caved because I didn't want to believe that it was over.

 

I want her back because I'm still in denial. I was happy. We were happy. I don't want to believe that those things are gone. I don't want to believe that she's the type of person that could or even WOULD do this to someone, let alone me.

 

I understand why this seems fishy. How could the man get raped? He could just push her off or he could just go away.

It happens when the man loves and trusts the woman and she manipulates that emotion to overpower him. Not physically. She couldn't do that. But because of my feelings for her, physically pushing her away was the LAST thing I would do. I'm not physically repulsed by her, she's the woman I love, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Imagine being pushed away by the one you love, how would that feel? So instead, I removed myself.

 

I didn't let it happen but it would have if I didn't stop it. Call it whatever you want. I don't care. I don't like this being the reality of it. I'm always changing my mind and trying to find out what I said or did that could have prevented some fight with her or a friend, whoever. I can't force myself to see this differently.

 

I'm here because I don't want to talk to friends or family. I'm here, anonymously to preserve mine and her privacy. I don't want people to think this of her but it seems like if I did take this to anyone, I'd be labeled an idiot or called a fraud.

 

I don't care. It happened. I can't think or feel differently. I just hope that none of you have to go through the same thing. It's really painful to find out that the person you care most about, cares so little for you.

[webhead1988]

Is that sarcasm?

 

Reverse the genders here.

 

The guy tries to have sex with the girl and she keeps saying no. The guy tries to pull her panties off, gropes her breasts and rubs her vulva against her will, gets on top of her and tries to insert his penis, the whole entire time she keeps saying no. Then the guy finally stops.

 

Do you think what happened in that situation was OK?

 

She never JUST stopped. I had to pull myself out from under her. I thought I wrote that in the original post. Sorry.

[BC1980]

I don't know about anyone else here but I don't like the people I love to be mad at me. I had sex with her after because I just didn't care. She had already shown me that what I wanted CLEARLY didn't matter so I did it anyway just to make her not mad at me.

 

Sometimes, people you love will be mad at you when you enforce your boundaries. That is one of the hardest lessons to learn in life. When you do right by yourself, not everyone is going to agree, and you will make some people uncomfortable. You gave in to appease her, but what about you?

 

She did show you that what you wanted clearly didn't matter to her, and you agreed with her. What you wanted didn't matter to you either. What she wanted mattered more to you, and it burned you in the end. Been there and done that. It sucks, but it's a life lesson.

[BC1980]

I'm here because I don't want to talk to friends or family. I'm here, anonymously to preserve mine and her privacy. I don't want people to think this of her but it seems like if I did take this to anyone, I'd be labeled an idiot or called a fraud.

 

I don't care. It happened. I can't think or feel differently. I just hope that none of you have to go through the same thing. It's really painful to find out that the person you care most about, cares so little for you.

 

I don't think I would bring this up to family or friends. I would say a therapist if you need to talk to someone. Or us of course. Many of us have also been in the position of betrayal from a loved one. Maybe not when it comes to sex, but it all hurts just the same.

[broken2828]

OP, you're a melodramatic fool. The only thing about your post that isn't hilariously ridiculous is how offensive and disrespectful your false allegation is to actual victims of rape.

[DontWakeMeUp]

Hey. As others have said, I think your use of the word "rape" offends some people who do not see it rape because the fact that you consented-- even angrily-- makes the word seem inappropriate. So I totally get why others are quick to point that out.

 

However I would like to say that I am very very sorry this happened to you. The way you talk about her behavior and its effect on you makes it sound like a very unhealthy relationship so I am glad you got out of it. I am sure the circumstances made this breakup particularly devastating and I hope you can work through your emotional attachment to someone so disrespectful of your feelings.

Edited September 7, 2014 by DontWakeMeUp