I think my girlfriend raped me.

[webhead1988]

So, we're broken up now. I could make another post about that, but it isn't the issue I'm having a problem with.

 

I'm 25 years old, she's 22 years old. After about 3 years of a rocky relationship, I changed last year. We got back together and things were nothing short of perfect. We communicated, made love, laughed, we were happy. Really happy.*

 

One Friday in June, we had a fight (important but not to this). After the fight, we did separate things that night. She went to our friend's graduation party and I stayed home.*

While I was home, my roommates laid into me about me not pulling my weight. They were right but again, not important.*

After the argument with my roommates, I was upset.*

 

So, at around 2:00am I caved in and I called my girlfriend. I needed support and I didn't think I had any from the one person I should be able to count on, the one I wanted to marry.

We talked, she apologized for the fight and said she'd come to see me but she had been drinking.

 

I offered to go get her and said I was excited to sleep with her (had work in the morning) and to hold each other, so I could feel loved, like I wasn't a bad person. I said that because I wasn't in the mood and didn't want to hurt her feelings by stopping anything if she was in the mood.

 

When we got in my car, we kissed hard. We missed each other, of course we would do that. She reached over and started groping me. We all know what I mean by that. I became aroused. Of course I did, I love her and who wouldn't? We stopped that and I started driving us to my house.*

 

On the way, I said again that I wanted to just hold each other and sleep.

When we got home, I laid down. She joined me after visiting the bathroom. When she came into bed, she got on top of me. We started making out, she wasn't wearing anything but a tank top and she started to pull down my gym shorts.

I told her "not tonight". She persisted, got my shorts off.*

She started to grope me again, so I told her "no", again.

 

Now, before I called her at 2:00am, I watched these sex videos we made together and masturbated to them. I missed her but I didn't want to call her because the fight we had earlier, was about another incident where she disrespected my requests/boundaries. I wanted her to call me. Anyway, being that I'm uncircumcised, cum lingers for a while after ejaculating unless one washes off. I hadn't because I thought we'd just go home and sleep.

 

As she kept trying to have sex, I told her about that, and that she wasn't on birth control and could get pregnant. I said "I'm tired", "not tonight", "no", "we don't have condoms". The point I'm trying to make is that I had said "no" in several different ways.

Finally, she grabbed my penis and tried to sit on it. I reached for her hands to pull them off of my penis, she grabbed my wrist and said "*my name*, stop!" with a very angry tone.

I told her that she shouldn't get mad, I'd been telling her not to and I had to stop her some how.

She lets out a big "uuuurrrrrggghhh" and lays down with her back to me, then let out an annoyed sigh.

After a minute of me laying there not knowing what to do, I turned on my side and apologized. She said nothing. I told her I loved her. Nothing. I told her I didn't want to make her mad and then said I'd go buy condoms. Then she replies, "Well I don't want to be up all night talking about it so..."

 

So I went. I came back. We had angry sex. I was mad because I had been disrespected. The next day I just wanted to ignore it. I knew how I felt about it but I didn't want to risk her getting mad. She'd been raped a long time ago, at a very young age and molested on several occasions by other people VERY close to her. I did not want to hurt her feelings and have her get mad at me for feeling this way.

 

Later that night, she stayed the night again. I didn't know and offered to take her home and she said "I'm staying the night, *my name*." "Oh, is your mom out of town?", me. "Yea, *my name*. Why else do you think I could stay the night last night?", she says as she looked at and spoke to me like I was the stupidest person alive.

I told her I didn't plan on talking to her about it but since she decided to stay the night, I thought we should.

 

She got mad. Her past came up in like a "how could you?" kind of way.

When i asked her tell me how that event happened it was: she tried, I said no, she stopped.

Which is NOT true. I love this girl very much and would not make this kind of thing up. I have nothing to gain from this being bull****.

 

Since then she's said things like how her aunt laughed and said i over reacted when she told her about it. Or because she's ****ing someone else now: "I may not be the hottest piece of ass but you know what? I KNOW I'm wanted." Or "what kind of man does that?"

She's said other hurtful things but I just can't remember all of them.

I know this seems ridiculous but I can't think of anything else. I'm very hurt and I would really like to NOT hurt.

Please, if anyone has advice on how to cope or what to do or anything, please say something.

[amaysngrace]

How does having consensual angry sex equate to you being raped?

 

I'm confused by that.

[BC1980]

Well, she obviously has boundary issues when it comes to sex, which could be because of her past rape and molestation.

 

Did she rape you? It doesn't sound like rape to me. It sounds more like you got bullied into having sex with her. I'm not trying to diminish what happened because the entire situation sounds terrible, and I can understand how you feel awful about it. She did not respect your boundaries at all, which is cause for alarm.

 

Now, did she tie you down in a way that you couldn't get up and leave? No. You could have physically thrown her off of you, but then she might have said you hit her. So you were stuck in a bad situation all around, but why did you leave and go buy condoms? I would be careful about using the work raped though. That implies something completely different than what happened in my eyes.

[Ronni_W]

I know this seems ridiculous but I can't think of anything else. I'm very hurt and I would really like to NOT hurt.

Please, if anyone has advice on how to cope or what to do or anything, please say something.

webhead,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I also could not see rape, by the generally-accepted definition of that word/act. I get, though, that for you it was hurtful, disrespectful and traumatizing.

 

I think perhaps the best way for you to cope would be if you can see it as the attitude, behaviour, actions of "some person" with incredibly messed-up boundaries when it comes to sex...as BC1980 said. It relates to her sexuality but also extends to yours/her sex partners'...that is, no one is immune.

If you can accept and find understanding/compassion for her as a sex abuse survivor, perhaps it will make it easier on you. If you need to research or seek guidance from a counselor/therapist with proper expertise, then do that.

 

On her side, it could be anything. It could be that she equates sex with being/feeling loved (in a distorted, dysfunctional way)...and then wanted you to feel loved because you had said that's what you wanted...but then didn't realize the difference between helping you feel loved and making you feel hurt, disrespected. We do not know.

 

Point is to somehow (try to) leave it open that it wasn't her intentionally, on purpose just disrespecting you. There could be underlying, unconscious stuff going on for her, related to her prior sexual abuse...which she really won't heal, overcome until she actively starts working to do that.

 

Hugs. I know it's tough if not impossible to not take it personally. For sure, though, you did/do not deserve to have your sexuality taken for granted or used against you or mistreated or abused in any way.

[webhead1988]

How does having consensual angry sex equate to you being raped?

 

I'm confused by that.

 

It was what came before. When she wasn't stopping no matter how many times I said no. I had sex with her afterward because I didn't want to deal with her being mad at me, not because I wanted to. I should say she ALMOST raped me. Sorry.

[Ronni_W]

I had sex with her afterward because I didn't want to deal with her being mad at me, not because I wanted to.

webhead,

that is YOU using sex/sexuality for your lack of ability or willingness to stand up for yourself and/or tolerate what is for you a situation that you want to avoid (someone being mad at you.)

 

If you cave during trying to stand up for what you want or do not want...that is your active/proactive choice, decision and not on the other person.

[bastus]

i think it's impossible for women to rape men, because men need to be consent First then "awake" (unless with drug help), while real rape done in non consensual way.... Just sayin..

[amaysngrace]

It was what came before. When she wasn't stopping no matter how many times I said no. I had sex with her afterward because I didn't want to deal with her being mad at me, not because I wanted to. I should say she ALMOST raped me. Sorry.

 

But she did indeed stop according to you.

 

Having angry sex after you went and bought condoms were choices that you made.

 

I understand that you feel violated and I don't blame you one bit because it sounds like you were in a very volatile situation. In fact your whole relationship with this girl sounds volatile.

 

She makes fun of you behind your back and then tells you what the other person said about you? What kind of woman does that?

 

She sounds very damaged and unfortunately it's rubbing off on you and damaging you.

 

Dr Phil says "it's better to be well alone than sick with someone else"

 

He's a smart man.

[Ronni_W]

i think it's impossible for women to rape men, because men need to be consent First then "awake" (unless with drug help), while real rape done in non consensual way.... Just sayin..

That isn't accurate, bastus.

Some women will still lubricate, even during forced, non-consensual...as an involuntary physiological function/response. In context, the body doesn't know any better, even when the mind does. Same for men.

[webhead1988]

I'm a bit taken back. I understand that I was not tied down. I get that I could have and DID physically remove myself from her. I shouldn't say she DID rape me. Then she ALMOST raped me.

I have taken those ideas into account, her past trauma has ABSOLUTELY had an effect on how she behaves sexually, now. We've talked about it.

Her wanting to express her love for me went out the window when I asked her why she kept going and didn't respect my feelings and her response was "I was drunk, I wanted to be pleasured. I wanted to be pleasured by my man."

She never told me one time that it was to SHOW me she loved me. She did it because she wanted to.

 

I said "no" time and time again and she wouldn't have stopped if I didn't stop her.

 

So what if the situation were reversed. Imagine a man doing that to a woman. Instead of using guilt and emotional manipulation to get what they want, they'd use force. But I thought "no" meant "no". The gender and minute circumstances aren't really relevant, are they?

 

I apologize for taking this to heart but it keeps me up at night. This person that I trusted, cared for, respected, and confided in completely ignored my feelings and only thought about hers. In the process made me feel like less of a man, like I'm not valuable, like I'm not important. Then after she did that, she told her aunt, someone I also love and respect, and threw that insensitive and unbelievably rude response in my face.

 

I feel like there's a double standard here. I haven't wanted to have sex with anyone, I haven't TRIED to have sex with anyone, I don't go out, I don't do anything. I sit in my room when I get home from work and I just remember these things she's said and how she's turned everything on me, how I screwed up that night.

 

I don't think I'm a weak person and I've never been someone to look for sympathy or pity. I don't like talking about these types of things with people I actually know because I don't want to be seen as someone that just cries for attention.

 

Never mind. It isn't anyone's fault for seeing it differently. I just think of you were in my shoes, you would understand.

[bastus]

That isn't accurate, bastus.

Some women will still lubricate, even during forced, non-consensual...as an involuntary physiological function/response. In context, the body doesn't know any better, even when the mind does. Same for men.

i see ,so it is possible , thanks for correcting my wrong anyway..

[amaysngrace]

I apologize for taking this to heart but it keeps me up at night. This person that I trusted, cared for, respected, and confided in completely ignored my feelings and only thought about hers. In the process made me feel like less of a man, like I'm not valuable, like I'm not important. Then after she did that, she told her aunt, someone I also love and respect, and threw that insensitive and unbelievably rude response in my face.

 

Right and that's really awful. She sounds like a loser.

 

I wasn't trying to downplay what happened that night because it definitely left an impression on you and that's really all that matters here. You no longer feel safe with her and that's totally understandable.

 

So why are you still with her?

[Ronni_W]

webhead,

It is the meaning that you are giving to what she did. She told you her meaning...she was looking for sexual pleasure/to get off. She was NOT looking to make you feel unimportant, not valuable. She told you this. She SAW you as a man...her man, the one she sexually desired at that time.

 

I've been sitting here contemplating if I am guilty of 'double-standard' thinking. We could argue that point ad nauseum, so my self-assessment is not useful to express here.

 

The point is that you are hurting because of your self-assessment/perception of what happened to you, which, as you now hold it, is being almost raped by someone you trusted, cared about, thought-believed loved you.

 

Unless you change something in that, how are you going to stop hurting?

Unless you open yourself up to it possibly having been something different, how are you going to start feeling important, worthy, lovable and loved, and like a man again?

 

If I thought that you were, in fact, raped or almost raped, I would say that. And I would suggest/recommend for you to get rape/crisis counseling. If you need to do that, then I am now suggesting/recommending that you get rape/crisis counseling. Or maybe, that's what I should have said right from the start. Maybe I am guilty of double-standard thinking.

[somedude81]

What she did was wrong.

 

She continued to try to have sex with you against your will.

 

That's attempted rape.

[lollipopspot]

There is not universal agreement on this, but I personally don't call that particular type of pressure to have sex - unless it comes with the threat of economic or physical force behind it - rape. I think it's bad behavior and one should break up with someone who does that to them, but I have a higher standard for rape. If you can easily overpower someone, I think making the case that you are raped by them, unless there is another incapacitating factor, is very difficult. This is why, with the genders reversed, if the woman reported she felt physically threatened and just decided to give in to prevent worse physical damage, something might be called rape when done to a woman but not to a man. Unless the man is the weaker party. Physical strength and ability have a lot to do with rape, from my perspective.

 

The vast majority of time men are stronger and more sexually and otherwise aggressive than women, so the threat of force is much higher. Economic dependency is also more often the case with women in relationships. I mean, let's face it, have you ever walked down the street being afraid that women strangers will rape you? That's a common experience for women when you reverse the genders. Reversing the genders is not so simple with rape, because the socialization and more importantly the biology is different.

 

I think you should break up though, given how you feel.

[webhead1988]

We aren't together anymore. It ended July 29th. I should have made that clear. My problem is that I still want to be with her. She's never apologized and she has made a new reality wherein I did not treat her well and I'm the one at fault for the entire thing.

She's not a bad person and I know it. I just want her to apologize to me. We were so happy and it just changed one day. She changed.

I don't like being the one that is left hurting and the one that gets all of the blame when it wasn't my fault.

My problem is that I've let her influence my feelings on this because I care what she thinks and says.

I just want her to love me again. Things were so good and I don't know what happened.

I know I shouldn't be with her, not with this person but she isn't really like this. She is better than this.

[amaysngrace]

She broke up with you back in July?

 

Don't wait for an apology from her. She made you feel like less of a man, disregarded you as if you weren't there, made you feel unimportant, talked about you behind your back and you just want her to say sorry like that will make everything all better?

 

Are you serious? Words don't mean jack. Actions speak louder.

[Zahara]

I just want her to love me again. Things were so good and I don't know what happened.

 

You want to be validated by her. Just as you said you've allowed her so much of control that you care too much about what she thinks and says. And seeing that she dumped, you can't stand that she's devalued you. This isn't about love.

 

Things were so good and I don't know what happened.

 

Really? You started off by saying you had a rocky 3 year relationship. Things weren't so good then.

 

I know I shouldn't be with her, not with this person but she isn't really like this. She is better than this.

 

No, when people show you who they are, believe them. Don't project who you believe she should be. She is showing you who she is.

Edited September 5, 2014 by Zahara

[Ronni_W]

My problem is that I've let her influence my feelings on this because I care what she thinks and says.

She thought that you were hot...hot enough that she wanted sexual pleasure from you. She said that. (Yes, she was drunk to whatever degree. But lots of people, myself included, get super-erotically charged at that good/perfect level of "drunkenness".)

 

I just want her to love me again. Things were so good and I don't know what happened.

From HER side, what happened is also (among other things) that you ultimately had sex with her because you didn't want her to be mad at you and, subsequently, you saw that as/accused her of almost raping you.

[BC1980]

webhead,

It is the meaning that you are giving to what she did. She told you her meaning...she was looking for sexual pleasure/to get off. She was NOT looking to make you feel unimportant, not valuable. She told you this. She SAW you as a man...her man, the one she sexually desired at that time.

 

I've been sitting here contemplating if I am guilty of 'double-standard' thinking. We could argue that point ad nauseum, so my self-assessment is not useful to express here.

 

The point is that you are hurting because of your self-assessment/perception of what happened to you, which, as you now hold it, is being almost raped by someone you trusted, cared about, thought-believed loved you.

 

Unless you change something in that, how are you going to stop hurting?

Unless you open yourself up to it possibly having been something different, how are you going to start feeling important, worthy, lovable and loved, and like a man again?

 

If I thought that you were, in fact, raped or almost raped, I would say that. And I would suggest/recommend for you to get rape/crisis counseling. If you need to do that, then I am now suggesting/recommending that you get rape/crisis counseling. Or maybe, that's what I should have said right from the start. Maybe I am guilty of double-standard thinking.

 

What happened was terrible, but I don't see how it's rape. I think that the fact that you mentioned the word, rape, is detracting from what happened to you. You were bullied into having sex.

 

Yes, it would be different if the gender roles were reversed, but that is just the reality. If anything, she probably used the fact that she is a woman to her advantage. She manipulated you in some sense because she knew she couldn't physically overpower you to actually rape you. On the other hand, if you fought back and pushed her away, you could be accused of hitting her. What happened is definitely a betrayal by her, but it's not rape.

 

When is the last time you talked to her? You aren't going back to her are you? She has issues that she needs to deal with.

[lollipopspot]

On the other hand, if you fought back and pushed her away, you could be accused of hitting her.

 

Huh? He didn't need to fight back past whatever he did. He physically went away. Then came back and had "angry sex." This wasn't a case of her clinging to him forcing him to have sex and him being afraid to push her off because of fear of being accused of hitting her.

[BC1980]

Huh? He didn't need to fight back past whatever he did. He physically went away. Then came back and had "angry sex." This wasn't a case of her clinging to him forcing him to have sex and him being afraid to push her off because of fear of being accused of hitting her.

 

I do agree. I was referring more to the part when he said she was on top of him and refused to get off. But yeah, the part where OP leaves to go get condoms is telling. It's allowing yourself to have your boundaries busted by someone else. I might get hate for this, but I do honestly think he could have stopped her if he wanted to. There were opportunities for him to stop her. However unwillingly, he agreed to have sex with her.

 

OP, I think there is so much here that shows you have terrible self-esteem. You want to get back with someone who completely disrespected you and manipulated you into having sex. I don't think that is something you can come back from. It's deplorable in my opinion. She knew she could manipulate and bully you, and she used sex to do it.

[whichwayisup]

How does having consensual angry sex equate to you being raped?

 

I'm confused by that.

 

Maybe he means this part?

 

As she kept trying to have sex, I told her about that, and that she wasn't on birth control and could get pregnant. I said "I'm tired", "not tonight", "no", "we don't have condoms". The point I'm trying to make is that I had said "no" in several different ways.

Finally, she grabbed my penis and tried to sit on it. I reached for her hands to pull them off of my penis, she grabbed my wrist and said "*my name*, stop!" with a very angry tone.

[whichwayisup]

It was what came before. When she wasn't stopping no matter how many times I said no. I had sex with her afterward because I didn't want to deal with her being mad at me, not because I wanted to. I should say she ALMOST raped me. Sorry.

 

Why are you so afraid of her being mad at you? SO what, let her sulk. let her be mad.

 

This seems like a very unhealthy relationship, dramatic and exhausting.

 

What is it that you actually love about her?

[whichwayisup]

We aren't together anymore. It ended July 29th. I should have made that clear. My problem is that I still want to be with her. She's never apologized and she has made a new reality wherein I did not treat her well and I'm the one at fault for the entire thing.

She's not a bad person and I know it. I just want her to apologize to me. We were so happy and it just changed one day. She changed.

I don't like being the one that is left hurting and the one that gets all of the blame when it wasn't my fault.

My problem is that I've let her influence my feelings on this because I care what she thinks and says.

I just want her to love me again. Things were so good and I don't know what happened.

I know I shouldn't be with her, not with this person but she isn't really like this. She is better than this.

 

Why are you so wanting her to love you (again) and why do you want her back?

 

Also, as I mentioned in my previous post, you seem afraid of her being upset or mad at you, so you cave to please her.

 

You actually caved, went and bought condoms so you two could have angry sex.

 

She has a certain unhealthy power over you.