Missy0724 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I had a lightbulb moment yesterday...and wanted to share... When you begin a romantic relationship, a healthy one at least, isn't it bc you and this person connect, can talk, laugh, share, have common interests, you connect as friends? So you become friends, great friends, best friends (hopefully). And lovers. But you are both friends AND lovers. Then it ends. They break up with you. But then throw the "friends" card. For me, he asked THREE days after he broke up with me. And I was an emotional mess, he knew this. Or should have. But then again, maybe he didn't, bc he's a little clueless in the empathy department. That's a whole other issue... ;-) One person decides they don't want to to be with you anymore, spend time with you, do all those things together that you've been doing. Talking every day, constant contact, doing fun things together, planning trips together. Doing things people in a relationship do! Then they decide not to continue the relationship, BOTH romantic and friends. Don't those two labels or connections kind of go together? So when one person decides to end things - they are ending BOTH the romantic part and the friendship part. They are intertwined, because that is what a relationship IS!!! So they are ending the WHOLE thing, both parts, the friendship, too! So asking someone after break up, to remain friends is COMPLETE BS. And can rarely work! Unless BOTH people have NO romantic feelings! Maybe this can help some people on here. I helped me...So I finally said, NO to friendship. You broke my heart, made me cry, hurt me, don't want to be with me. But we are going to be friends? I do stuff with my friends. I go out with them, do fun things, talk frequently. Really? That is what we are going to do, just minus the touching, holding hands, kissing, sex? Just switch to platonic "friends". Sorry, I have plenty of platonic friends. I was kind of looking for, wanting, expecting a boyfriend... You ended that. ALL of it. You cannot have your cake and eat it, too. Doesn't work like that. For your own ego, self satisfaction, lessen YOUR pain, be able to brag, "we stayed friends", because I must be such a great guy. Nope. We all need to get in touch with reality here, folks... :-) I'm SO glad I finally have. Time to move on. 5
mightycpa Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I remember saying this to one ex that suggested it: "What am I supposed to do as your friend? Watch you go out with other men, fall in love and give your heart to them instead of me? No thanks." 1
Chi townD Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 When your boyfriend said, "Let's still be friends". You should have said, "Okay! Let's do each other's make-up, changing into skimpy dresses, hit the club and dance with some cute guys. Because, that's what I do with my friends. You up for the challenge?" 2
tim_tom Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I think the lets stay friends card is complete BS. There isn't a genuine interest on their part to hang out platonicly. Either they are looking to keep you on the back burner, relieve guilt, or just let you down easier. The reality is that even if accepted, you will go weeks without hearing from them if you put the ball in their cart 2
Onlyafterdark Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 My wife of 14 years is pulling this on me right now doesnt want to lose me completley but says we need to be friends to be anything else. Ive told her friends wtf ! U want me to switch from having sex Holding u kissing to be friends, i sit on the fence waiting Till you decide what you want is that fair Anyway i then asked why build us up as friends for what reason?? She replied back i might regret it!! Reget it why?? I said She replied im saying nothing more than i already have Totally baffled whats anybodies take on this
elseaacych Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Hm. I had an ex suggest this to me once. "Let's stay friends." I said, "okay", just ready for the pain to end. He walked out of there, and I never spoke to him again. Some "friend".
Ordinaryday Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 It's a meaningless pleasantry, like when a check out girl tells u have a nice day when she doesn't care how your day is. None of the girls who said it to me ever actually attempted to maintain a friendship with me. I worked out what they mean by let's stay friends is 'it's okay f you to email me once a year telling me how you are and I will respond back with a two line message". They don't actually mean they want to continue to associate with you on a regular basis, just nonromantically.
Ordinaryday Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I think the lets stay friends card is complete BS. There isn't a genuine interest on their part to hang out platonicly. Either they are looking to keep you on the back burner, relieve guilt, or just let you down easier. The reality is that even if accepted, you will go weeks without hearing from them if you put the ball in their cart When I was first dumped by a girl with this line I said okay and I waited to hear from her again, because I truly thought she meant it and genuinely wanted me in her life, just not romantically. Needless to say I never heard another word from her again. That's when I realised this line is just BS
Author Missy0724 Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 Yup, I found all of that out. And glad I did. It allowed me that closure I needed, and to tell him GOODBYE for good. He said friends, and then said some really insensitive, selfish things, when he called me after he broke off the romantic relationship. "I'd like to be close friends, now that the romantic piece is gone/removed." This is what he said to me. Oh thanks!!! Glad it's so easy for you to switch just to friends. Nice. So when exactly did you check out of the relationship? Months ago, when you were still sleeping with me? I hanging out with you and your kids? Oh, sorry, I didn't get that update. I was in love with you the day you broke up with me. Kind of why I was bawling my eyes out. And you were not? Lovely... Yes, "friends" to just keep tabs on me, to ease his own guilt, not feel the full blown pain of hurting me? Or all of the above...most likely. Or maybe he was genuine, he was over me way before the break up and friends was OK with him. Well, it was not alright for me, and he had to know that, by my reaction when he broke up with me. He should have left me alone for good. That would have been the unselfish and mature thing to do. You broke up with me. Leave me alone! Of course I didn't want that at first. But the LC left me SO confused, sent me false hope, so I would contact him back...Not good. Just lead to more anger from me. Not liking his response to me asking how friends would work. So I blew up the other day and told him, NO MORE. I guess things happen for a reason and maybe it's good we did have LC, so I could learn who he really was and how this friendship offer was BS. Which led me to take that final step, decision to cut him out of my life for good. Part of me feels badly about how I did it. I wasn't nice. All that anger just built up. Oh well, it's done. All that matters now is that I am FREE. And I did that. Feels good. I'm sure I will have sad days ahead...but that's OK. I know 100% it will get better in time. And I will think of him less and less, because there is no contact, no social media we share, etc. He lives an hour away, we will not run into each other. Outta sight, outta mind. That is the key. When this person who caused, causes you pain is in your life in ANY WAY, you CANNOT move forward and get that closure. It is so so hard. If you still have romantic feelings for them, that is. I could move past my ex husband, because I divorced him, didn't love him anymore. We had our issues in the beginning, mostly over coparenting our kids. But now we are amicable, I feel apathetic towards him. He is remarried. I don't care. I don't see him that much. That is a good thing... So I know I can get over this person. I've done it a few times... And "friends"? If that can happen between two people, it will be months, years, etc. Just reality. I'm amicable with some exes. Some are out of my life. This is where this guy belongs. Out of my life. He does not deserve my friendship. That is something a person EARNS. It's just not given. Same as respect.
BridgetGrey Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 (edited) Again Missy I feel your struggles. I just said my goodbye closure to my ex for a while. He really did hurt me once again saying he has no feelings for me, yet he offered to talk about my mom cancer 2 weeks later and he asked my sister about me. Nah I didn't want him back but I was curious to know how he felt. I guess the pain was too much once again It's like I felt wrecked... umm I want to a therapist told the background story: She told me after she finding ex was abused as a child he will not be able to ever commit anytime due to this trauma ....he can not attached and he does not trust women. It made so much sense . Sometime he is hot and cold. I can tell you I talked to him before he left the region and I told him even though we both did the letting go , but it does not mean it does not hurt me and I'm not in pain. We are on good terms I would say , but for the best I told him we should not talk for a while till the dust saddles. You can be on good terms with your ex , but friendship[ after a couple of months is a lot to carry ... As I said when he traveled it broke me somehow because I know he is moving on for good and he is on the other side of the world. Best thing to do is to stay away and accept how things came into. We may go back to being as a close as we where for many numbers of factors as friends due to the fact we drifted apart and we need time to forget about the relationship. It's hard, but realistically I knew me and my ex were not going to work due to age differences, different backgrounds and commitment issues he carries around. I do know he won't change he will manage career wise wonderfully and he is a great friend, brother , but relationship wise I feel sorry for the girl after me because she will be putted in the same position as I am as he is not the kind of guy who sticks around in a relationship for it to last. This relationship brought a lot of my old issues and it drained me. But I know I need to go therapy to be strong and be there for my mom who is sick with cancer. It's always going to be hard but creating space for a while is what works and then maybe you can heal and let go of 100% PS: My ex lives half away across the world, it's good not having to see him and this helps puts him to rest for good. On another note: It's hard to demote someone from your GF\BF to your friend. Even my ex said the same I can tell we both still deeply care about each other enough , yet we did not know after my mom cancer how to react he tried to be there I shunned him for a while. I think as I said sometime you have to let go of the person for good and then you can go back being friends with them. On another note my ex did stay friends or I would say on good terms with his ex that dumped him for another guy they haven't talked for years lolz.It's very common to have this kind of friendship where both of you moved on , yet hardly talk and are on good terms ... Edited September 6, 2014 by BridgetGrey 1
somebodyoutthere Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I think it's total bs, kind of using you as a tool to assuage their guilt for mistreating you. It's selfish.
infamousma Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I think the lets stay friends card is complete BS. There isn't a genuine interest on their part to hang out platonicly. Either they are looking to keep you on the back burner, relieve guilt, or just let you down easier. The reality is that even if accepted, you will go weeks without hearing from them if you put the ball in their cart honestly we are all different. I like to stay friends if possible to help ease my mind after a breakup. Also if you dont want to talk to them then dont and let it fizzle out on its own but a lot of us are different and handle things differently. Some relationships are worth fighting for and keeping alive some aren't but that's for us to decide. Opinions and advice are nice but again random strangers from forums, you can't always trust as from what I've read, most people on here just tell you to just move on...It's easier said than done. We are all here for a reason and still have emotions from having just recently broken up or still are attached for some reason. But for a person like me, I'd rather the friendship card and just let it die out on its own if that's what you want.
hedyo Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 There is a difference between trying to be friends directly after a breakup and trying to be friends some way down the line. I'm really good friends with one of my exes. We split 3+ years ago, and although we tried to be friends straight off, it took time for the friendship to get through a healthy place. I'm glad we are on good terms now. When my most recent ex dumped me, I said I hoped we could be friends down the line. I don't want contact right now, because I still have romantic feelings for him. But if, say, after a year of no contact I feel differently, why not? If the split was amicable and you've worked through your feelings, why not try to keep a good person in your life? 1
BridgetGrey Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 The concept of staying friends with your ex is like this message them on FB every now and then or email them. It's VERY rare when exs are friends on regular bases from what I observed. My ex basically told me hadn't talked to his for YEARS now he still has on FB they are on good terms , but they do not know each other anymore I think as they drifted apart something like 5 years ago. Even my ex admitted it was awkward as he how does demote me from his GF to friend I knew it he may not be madly in love with me anymore , yet he does not just see me as a friend 100% I could use a friend really badly as my life is pasued and my mom has cancer, but my ex has done more harm than good in that area. Therefore, I told him it is best for us to keep a distance and stop talking for a while and then maybe the friendship may recover. Nevertheless, I think we both parted as he lives half away across the world from where I am and I think just to be safe he will drift to his own life and keep distance. Will the friendship go back to being as good as it used to be maybe no the relationship changed how we view each other and our lives. I think we will talk next year and stay in touch as times pass by and we will forget, but to go back to the way it was I highly doubt that because the relationship changed the way we view each other. I guess only time will tell.
Author Missy0724 Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 Hedyo - I totally agree with you. And depends on the circumstances, how deep your feelings were romantically for them, each other, and how much time has passed. I am friends with three men I met OLD, fooled around with all three, but mutually discoved we didn't want to be in a romantic relationship. We were mature about it, and moved right into casual friendship. BC no deep feelings developed, no spark, just wasn't there. It is when we are deeply connected, get into a serious, committed relationship with someone, telling each other, I love you, crazy about each other, talking about a future together, etc. Then it ends. Those are the tough ones to process, to let go, to not feel angry, confused, all those withdrawal from love emotions. And takes a LONG time for those feelings to simmer down. I am still angry. Just part of the process. Yes, maybe angry bc he says he's ready to be friends. Maybe he really is. And that actually makes me angry, bc it says he has already gotten over me so quickly! That hurts right now, so soon. And also your point about keeping a good person in your life. That is what I'm struggling with - is this person genuine? Did I really know him? Did I misjudge him? Do I trust he was, is, what he projects? Not quite sure...due to a lot of things in his past, during our relationship, and after break up. How he reacts to things, treats people, his values, etc. I am not quite sure he is who he claims to be... Hard to explain, but he has a lot of issues and has made a lot of poor choices in life, including in his marriage, his life in general, with his kids, etc. He claims to "have changed". But due to his actions and behaviors, not quite sure about that. He's a selfish person, a man with a huge ego. That gets a person into trouble...and not sure those deep rooted personality characteristics can be "changed". I guess, I do not trust him. There is the issue. So, yes, if time goes by, people feel just amicable towards each other, and each person is genuinely a good person, some kind of friendship is great! I have a few of thoses, and it's great to have male friends, get man's perspective, opinions on things. It's just a case by case thing. I am not friends with my ex husband, bc he's not a great dad, but we are amicable for our kids. Not friends with ex from two years ago. Time passed, I tried. He had no interest. So that fizzled. And I'm fine with that. This last ex - it's only been two months. Still lots of feelings, confusion, anger, etc. All normal bc I was deeply in love with him. Again, questioning now if he truly was genuine with me, if I was used, is he a good person, etc. Time will tell...
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