Is my boyfriend cheap, I am mean and demanding, I don't understand men, or what?

[Linda9]

We have been dating for more than 4 years. We are both divorced with kids. We both have high income jobs, good savings and own our houses. Money is not an issue at all. He have three kids to support, which include a 22 years old who is working :-O. I have my 10 years old live with me.

 

He is a nice guy, no temper, no demand. But as normal male, he seldom help out on house work, never mow the lawn. He will replace car engine oil, move heavy things. And he will offer to do some other bigger repair job like fixing water pipe; which I often refused (he will watch youtube and claim he can do it).

 

When we first went out, we would go bike riding, hiking, running, swimming and cooking at home. Which were totally fine for me because I like them all. Few months later, I injured my neck during our trip and end up having spinal surgery. Thankfully he looked after me for whole week.

 

When we first met his job was not stable, so I bought him a lot of things, including a good cell phone. I didn't know he has saving, only assumed he had financial difficult and didn't demand him to pay anything. Then it was the postsurgery-stay-home-year. So, the first 2 years we didn't go out much. Now that he has a stable job (higher income than me), but he is still the same. In order to save money, he will not like to leave the house.

 

He will not want spend any money. He is staying with me 3 nights per week and put down $50. I am fine with that initially, but not quite now. And he won't buy himself new clothes, won't fund his kid's UNi final year project, will only buy hundred dollars dead cars for himself and his sons to fix, won't buy his mum a small PC tablet.

I said go learn dancing in community center, he said learn it on youtube. I said go to swimming pool, he said go to beach. He is even planning to go on trip by sleeping in his car.

 

I am not saying he will not spend any money on me, but it feels like he has super financial difficult.

He will buy me birthday and X'mas presents (which usually half the value I got him). He once offered to buy me PS3 which I didn't accept. (Don't know if it is a real offer or not)

 

And recently he becomes more ridiculous. We went for a short trip, I paid for accommodation. We had sushi bar dinner and I realized he wasn't really eating, only two plates. When the bill came, he was a bit reluctant to pay, so I grab the bill which was only $40. Couple of weeks ago, I asked him "When are you going to bring me out for a holiday? Going back to your parents place doesn't count." He gave me a shy face, "I don't know." Last week, I asked him three times about going out for dinner, and even send him a link to purchase a $40 dinner voucher. He will not do it. Again, he gave me a shy face with I don't know.

 

I have feeling that, whatever I request, he will try not to do it. I often need to ask him in different ways, until I got really upset and broken down, then he will change. I even need to cry to make him get to my place on time. He used to be 2-3 hours late, and he said "but you are just at home, you can do something else."

 

And it is hard to make any command too. Once I joked about he is "boring" and he said it is an insult (because his ex said he is boring too). And after the $40 dinner voucher issue, I mentioned to him I was grown up very poor and don't want to go back again, then he told me he is upset.

 

I have done so much for him, but not much return.

He may claim, he never ask for anything and argue

- It is you ask me to stay (but he moved half of his stuff in, including motorbike and bicycle)

- You can stay in my house (but his house is a mess, he even has an old motorbike tyre in his bed room)

- You don't need to prepare food for me, I will just make some jam toast.

- You don't need to buy me clothes, I never ask for it.

 

I am not sure whether he is cheap, I am demanding too much, or he doesn't care about me.

 

In my age, I don't want to change, he is a nice guy. What can I do? or what should I do? What is in his mind?

[Gaeta]

Why do you consider him a nice guy? He does not sound like one to me. The fact a man doesn't cheat or doesn't abuse you doesn't mean he's a nice guy. I quite find your boyfriend inconsiderate an uninvolved.

 

I think you're boyfriend is just staying out of convenience. You offer him a nice place to stay, a woman to sleep next to, meals. He is giving in return the bare minimum.

 

You are not a young chick, you know people don't change, what you see is what you get. Ask yourself if this is the life you want. If the answer is yes then accept him as he is, if the answer is no, you know the routine.

[evanescentworld]

Good reply from Gaeta.

If things don't sit well with you, then don't look for solutions from outside yourself. Take what you want to change, and change it, no matter how drastic you may think it is. As you say, at your age, you won't change.

Guess what, he won't either. And you make life comfortable, easy and effortless for him. No reason then, why he should change, is there?

[Diezel]

I am somewhat like this guy.

 

I've had someone in my life try to get me to loosen up.

I've come from such a hard and poor background that some habits just die hard, hard, hard. You are trying to rewrite decades of survival directives. This is just the way he is.

 

Over the years, I've increased my income exponentially. I'll still fight the $5 increase on my gym membership to the death. I can afford it, but my mind is still hard-wired to the fact that at any given moment, that can all be taken away.

 

Now, granted... this guy is being a bit ridiculous, but my point is, it's been FOUR years. This is who he is. He is NOT going to change, and he might have other priorities that aren't exactly spending on you.

 

Honestly, he might be a nice guy, but you did a terrible job on shedding any light as to what is so nice about him. From your post, it just sounds like you are settling and asking us how to fix it.

[slizl]

You complain now, but you might like it when you are able to retire comfotably with this guy. Cut him some slack.

[cristalina]

Have you sat down and had a real conversation with him about it. ie. In a kind calm way bring all of your concerns up and ask him what this is about? It could be that he's experiencing financial troubles, or is just really concerned about saving for retirement.

 

In our society, people are so quick to spend all their money now but then have nothing saved for a rainy day.

 

However, some of the things you said make me think he's inconsiderate as well.

 

I'd have a serious conversation about it. Openly communicate with the position of being concerned about the balance in your relationship. - Cris

[preraph]

I just want to make sure you know for sure he's working and that you have recently seen his paychecks to confirm it. To me, he sounds like a guy who isn't working but pretending to be working. If you see his checks, then he's just cheap. If he was productive and helped around the house and was on time and a lot of other things you have to be able to count on from a mate, I'd say keep your money separate and you go do what you want to do without him. But he sounds like he's no joy to deal with. If he was saving money for the uni, I could understand that, but if he's trying to save it all, he's just cheap. You spend some, you save some for the future if you have any extra income.

 

So just make sure he hasn't lost his job or something by looking at the bank accounts, his checkbook, asking to see his paycheck, whatever. You have a right to know if he's hiding that from you, and he might be. Someone who can't be any more on time than he is with you isn't likely to be able to hold a job long.

 

If not, you just have to decide if you're getting enough out of it and if you feel secure going into old age with him being unwilling to do anything.

[HappyLove]

"I have done so much for him, but not much return."

 

Yep, he's cheap! You've known this and accepted this for years. Why do you think he would or should change? A grown man making plans to go away and sleep in his car...and it's not camping?! Hey you've accepted this behavior all this time. Why should he give more when you don't require more?

[Chi townD]

You say that you two have great paying jobs and you both have kids and you both have your own houses. And then, he's cheap. Well, it might not always have been that way for him.

 

 

Guys usually end up getting screwed hard in a divorce. So, he might have had to learn to live cheap in order to survive due to child support and alimony for a period of time. Even though he's doing fine right now, financially. It might be a practice he never let go of. To live cheaply in order to survive.

 

 

Hell, there are guys that had to move back home because of divorce or some are living in their cars. 80% of the homeless in the US are men. So, it MIGHT have been a defensive move for him that never went away.

 

 

Just a thought.

[Linda9]

The reason I put so much detail in, is I will like to know what other people think and what I missed out. With more information, I can plan what to do next.

 

@Gaeta: When I said "He is a nice guy" is about his character, never yell, never get angry.

 

And when I said "I don't want to change", I mean relationship wise. I am not in the age of keep changing partner.

 

@preraph: don't worry, he is working. I went to his office once.

 

@Diezel: I grew up very poor, so poor that I would ask for left over from classmate. Now that I am wealth (compare to my childhood), I improve my living. I thought improve life style is goal for everybody, getting richer to live better. I thought improving life style is not about "changing the person", but looks like I am wrong. May be he is the person who reluctant to change, which include his living style.

To be honest, if it was not that spinal injury and stayed at home for more than a year, I would possibility leave him. In the first two years, I felt he was so nice not demanding going out and willing to stay with me at home. Sigh...I don't have the wisdom to see it through.

 

Thanks for everybody's commend, keep looking for solution.

[preraph]

Just make sure he's still working. Going to the office once is no guarantee. Call up there and ask for him sometime if nothing else. Just be sure.

[spiderowl]

Ah, it's the "I don't ask you for anything, therefore you shouldn't expect anything of me" deal. Yes, they usually don't ask anything of you, but you tend to offer or just do it. The hidden message is that you are demanding and greedy if you need more than the guy is offering, whether it is material or emotional.

 

This guy is showing you time and time again that he is always going to take the cheapest option, no matter what you'd like and no matter whether it is the safest option (Youtube videos can be good, but I wouldn't want an amateur messing with the water supply to my house - the potential costs of a leak or flood if it causes damage could be huge).

 

Something I pay attention to is whether a guy has a naturally generous nature - is he a giving person or withholding? I have two friends, one would give me everything he had if he thought I needed it. He always offers first and I make him share costs because I know he would always pay, regardless. My other friend is careful. If he offers something, it is small - a cup of coffee, chance to listen to some music at his house, that kind of thing. We've met up for a meal and he has never offered to pay or share the cost of the meal. He will pay for his own, certainly, but he is careful not to pay a penny more. He organises trips with friends and is careful to collect each person's share of the costs. A different friend also organised a trip and was going to absorb the shortfall when one person did not turn up and their place had to be covered. My 'careful' friend would never have done that.

 

I suspect your guy will never change. He will never become the generous, thoughtful guy you want. He'll always have a reason not to offer more than the minimum materially. He will survive OK and may accrue savings, but if it's in his nature to be exceedingly careful with his money, he'll never share it with you. You have a generous nature and need a guy who is equally generous.

[Jules Dash]

I don't think there is an actual solution to this problem inasmuch as a compromise. This guy sounds pathologically cheap. By this I mean, to the point that he is unreasonable with it to the point he would allow his personal life to suffer from it unnecessarily.

 

 

I don't think you can break a person like this out of their habits. He may do it for a very short while if you really get threatening toward him but he won't turn around and start making his pockets turn into rabbit ears for you.

 

He may be nice but he seems a bit selfish in that he does not want to spend money with you and he doesn't like to help out around the house much. He won't change in the long run. These sort of things are just really character defining.

 

I don't think someone should get a lot of credit for being nice for not doing something they are supposed to not be doing. Him not yelling, hitting you, peeing on the floor, waking everyone up at 3am by banging pots together or whatever is something he shouldn't do. Taking that into consideration, is he worth having around for the next 20 years or so?

[Gaeta]

 

@Gaeta: When I said "He is a nice guy" is about his character, never yell, never get angry.

 

Let me give you a trick. You determine if a person is nice by their actions. Never yelling, never getting angry is just part of his aloof personality. He does not put in any efforts into being this way, it's what comes naturally to him. When asked to put in some efforts though you don't see him first in line right? Him being nice would be him putting importance into your needs and desires. That would be him stepping out of his comfort zone for the good of your relationship, that would be him treating you once in a while even if it's hard for him to reach into his pocket.

 

So no, him just being a quiet type of person does not make him deserving of a 'nice guy' title.

[travelbug1996]

he seems extremely passive while you're more assertive. Don't let it frustrate you since he is really just being himself. i would suggest you focus on things/activities/hobbies that make you happy since he's not going to make an effort.

[PogoStick]

Linda, are you eastern european? Russian speaking?

[angel.eyes]

Please google "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders."

 

Four observations from an outsider's perspective--

1. I think he's having financial difficulties. This isn't just nickel and dime uber-cheapness on his part. My gut says, he's not working, and probably hasn't worked for a very long time. Either that or he has substantial debt or expenses that are keeping him firmly underwater and without a penny of disposable income.
    
   
2. No offense, but your bar for a partner is on the floor--doesn't yell or get angry is just basic human decency. It takes a lot more for a guy to be a decent relationship partner or a nice guy. Caring about you, being thoughtful and considerate, doing things that he knows you like, trying to meet your needs, showing you through his choices that he values you...those are the basic actions of a decent partner. This guy is indifferent to you, makes almost no effort, and seems uninvested in the relationship. I mean, how difficult is it to tidy up and remove a tire from your bedroom before your girlfriend comes over? Since you've made things so convenient and pay for his entertainment, he'll stick around, enjoy the perks of the arrangement, and tread water. He's simply doing the bare minimum to keep the status quo until his situation improves. Understand that you're setting yourself up as a placeholder. That isn't a stable option!
    
   
3. You aren't compatible. Your needs haven't been met for years, based on your OP. Relationships are successful when both partners needs are routinely met. Why you are so hesitant to pull the plug when this guy clearly can't meet your needs or give you what you want? Why don't you feel you deserve a mutually beneficial relationship?
    
   
4. Communication between you both seems pretty poor. To me, without communication you don't have much of a future in a relationship.
   

 

Let go of Mr. Tire in the Bedroom and find a truly fulfilling relationship elsewhere. There are lots of incredible guys out there looking for a relationship who CAN give you what seek.

[ja123]

You determine if a person is nice by their actions.

 

Yes!

 

 

Also, OP, don't forget that he'd show up at your house 2-3 hours late saying that you were just home so you could've been doing something else. That's rude and disrespectful of your time.

 

 

You might want to google "passive aggressive behaviour" and how to deal with someone like that.

 

 

He does sound cheap, but he also sounds passive aggressive.

 

 

Also, why do you want to keep seeing him, if he's that boring?

[ja123]

Linda, are you eastern european? Russian speaking?

 

Why would that matter? Are you saying her man's behaviour is due to a cultural issue.

 

 

My uncle from Canada sounds like him.

[Linda9]

The burden or commitment for this relationship is, he was there when I went for major surgery, and I need to get a good reason to dump him. Easy let go with one relationship means easy let go with all relationships. I understand nobody is perfect, I accept some defect, because I have too.

 

@Gaeta: I will admit, he is just a gentle guy, not a generous guy nor a nice guy for relationship.

 

@travelbug1996: Yes I am planning to focus on the activities I like without him, eg. dinner out with friends, not him. I am not paying for him, I don't want to. Since he never demand on anything, he shouldn't be upset about it.

 

@angel.eyes: I am sure he is working. People can fake for couple of months, not couple of years. But in term of "disposable income", everybody's definition is different, for him, may be after 2 millions dollars of saving, then there will be some disposable income.

"trying to meet your needs, showing you through his choices that he values you...those are the basic actions of a decent partner" this is a very good point. I will put it in the list when I discuss with him.

"Relationships are successful when both partners needs are routinely met." I like this too. I will let him know I am paying effort on this aspect, but he doesn't and even avoiding taking my suggestion on improving it.

 

@PgoStick: I will only said, English is not my mother tongue, but it is his. There may be cultural difference here too, but I am not very sure. Oh, and I made a lot of grammatical mistake here. eg. In my first thread, I said, "And it is hard to make any command too." it should be "And it is hard to make any comment too." I don't give command.

 

@ja123: "passive aggressive behaviour", it is a very interesting topic. I read few articles, and I think he doesn't 100% match. He is more a pretend-ignorant guy. Whenever I got upset of what he is NOT-DOING, he will always said he didn't know, I need to tell him precisely. OMG! is he a kid? And he will improve in this area, and get worse in other area. Feels like it is to compensate the improvement he has done.

 

I think I should schedule more of my time with other friends than him, lets see how I feel and what he will react.