chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 You did the right thing. You don't actually want her back, you're just remembering what it's like to be single for the first time in so many years and you're afraid to die alone surrounded by cats. No, you may not meet someone exactly like her again, but you will meet someone who's a better match for you and who will make you hopelessly happy. Trust me, when you do fall in love---and you will---it'll be like being hit by a train. And don't worry about your ex. She'll hurt for a while, but she'll find a better partner someday too. 1
BC1980 Posted September 28, 2014 Posted September 28, 2014 If I do try to get back with her, I will give it a week or two before trying, but I don't want to drag it out too long. I would give it at least 3 months before even considering the thought of getting back together. And I mean at least 3 months of complete NC. Do not have any communication with her. You are in shock right now, and you don't need to make any big decisions. Even though you were the one to end it, it's different once the reality hits. You may have been considering ending it for awhile, but it always plays out differently than what you imagined. 1
Author missinglink Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 So I broke up with my girlfriend. I still don't want her back as my girlfriend, but I want to keep in touch and stay friends. She's ok with that, but many times she'll be crying over the phone and talk about the break up. She actually really wants us to stay in touch to remain friends and for my support through this. She understands it's over though. When I don't talk to her I feel bummed out and even though she does often cry when we talk, I know it's worse when we don't. Would it be ok to not follow nc given the situation?
me85 Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 I think you need to give her some space so she can get to a better place emotionally, as it is very upsetting to her that the two of you are broken up. Of course you will need to meet with her in person to tell her that. Tell her that you want to give her time to process things because you care about her and are worried that you talking to her right now are making things harder.
Zahara Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 When I don't talk to her I feel bummed out and even though she does often cry when we talk, I know it's worse when we don't. When you broke up with her, you chose to eliminate her from your life. That means you lose the benefits that come with being with her. Too bad you feel bummed, but the priority should be her healing from her pain, not your bummed feelings. Selfish, no? It's a choice you made. If you care for her, you would tell her that she needs time to heal and that you both can be friends when you both have moved on from each other. Then leave her alone. All you're doing right now is feeding her hope and causing her more grief and pain. Would it be ok to not follow nc given the situation? No, not okay. It's better for her to cry and heal from this, than to cry and hope for you. 2
Author missinglink Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 @Zahara She's ok with that, but many times she'll be crying over the phone and talk about the break up. She actually really wants us to stay in touch to remain friends and for my support through this. even though she does often cry when we talk, I know it's worse when we don't. No I don't believe I'm being selfish. I am bummed when I don't talk to her because she matters to me. Just as I am writing this post for her, I broke up for her. I simply didn't have the proper romantic feelings for her as she did for me. It would have been unfair to her if I would have stayed while she could have been available to someone who would offer the passion that she has to offer. I also feel that nc is the right thing to do, but when I brought it up to her she took it so hard, which made me wonder if I can make an exception. I think I will just tell her that we need to do nc though. @HeartbrokenNewbie I do want her back. I miss her. But I knew that this was to be expected. I really put a lot of thought into the breakup and genuinely felt that it was the right thing to do. Now, just as most people who break up with their SO, I'm having regrets and doubts, but I know that I shouldn't rush back into things because my emotions are all over the place. I know hers are too. Even though right now I'd like to get back with her, I wouldn't do it any time soon so I can give both her and I time to clear our heads, let our emotions settle, and make sure it's what we both want deep down and not because we're just feeling lonely, in shock, or something.
me85 Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 How long were you together and how long have you been broken up and why?
Simon Phoenix Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 No, you need to leave her alone and stop giving her mixed signals and hope. 1
Author missinglink Posted October 3, 2014 Author Posted October 3, 2014 @me85 We were together for almost 4 years. We've been broken up for a couple of weeks. I broke up with her because: 1. I couldn't give her the attention and affection she wanted and very well deserved. It felt like chores/responsibilities to text her, take her out, etc. I feel that that was because we're both early 20's and I'm still getting my stuff together while she already has it figured out. My mind just wasn't in the relationship. 2. I ended up developing feelings for someone else. I never cheated and didn't break up with her for the other girl, but I knew that the fact that I was even able to develop feelings for someone else meant my heart simply wasn't in it the way it should have been. That's just something you can't help. But just to clarify, I did not act on the feelings for the other girl. They simply made me realize this. I ended up wanting out before I even met the other girl but was waiting because a. I was hoping to fix things and feel right with her again b. some other timing factors. 3. I just never felt the spark. I never felt the limerence. I never felt crazy about her. Just very secure and content. I know that the spark and all fades and a healthy relationship winds down into feeling secure and content, but the fact that I never felt those initial feelings made me wonder all along if she was right for me and if I would just end up losing the feeling of contentness, which did happen. Now don't get me wrong. She was perfect by every definition of the word excluding perfect for me. Smart Sweet Loving Caring Gorgeous Loyal Hard Working Friendly She has it all, but for some reason I just wasn't drawn to her like I felt I should have been.
BC1980 Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 No, you can't make an exception because your case is very common. There is nothing out of the norm here. You need to be cruel to be kind. She only keeps contact with you for her own ulterior motive, which is to win you back. You keep contact for your own motive, which is to help yourself through this process. Anytime a dumpee keeps contact with a dumper, it is 99 percent because they are trying to get you back. If she knew there was no chance, she would not be in contact with you. I can promise you that. 1
Zahara Posted October 3, 2014 Posted October 3, 2014 @Zahara No I don't believe I'm being selfish. I am bummed when I don't talk to her because she matters to me. Just as I am writing this post for her, I broke up for her. I simply didn't have the proper romantic feelings for her as she did for me. It would have been unfair to her if I would have stayed while she could have been available to someone who would offer the passion that she has to offer. I also feel that nc is the right thing to do, but when I brought it up to her she took it so hard, which made me wonder if I can make an exception. I think I will just tell her that we need to do nc though. Selfish in the sense that you can't see that contact hurts her rather than helps her, but moreso helps you relieve your bummed feelings. And it is unfair for you to keep her hope alive because contact doesn't allow her to heal and move on. Of course she doesn't want NC. That would mean letting you go and facing the reality and finality of the relationship with you. But in the long run, she will thank you for it.
singsparkles Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 So I broke up with my girlfriend. I still don't want her back as my girlfriend, but I want to keep in touch and stay friends. She's ok with that, but many times she'll be crying over the phone and talk about the break up. She actually really wants us to stay in touch to remain friends and for my support through this. She understands it's over though. When I don't talk to her I feel bummed out and even though she does often cry when we talk, I know it's worse when we don't. Would it be ok to not follow nc given the situation? Ehhh... this is rough. I think you're either damned if you do, and damned if you don't. If you broke up with her, you obviously had a reason and do not have the feelings for her that she has for you. I think it would be unfair if you kept in touch with her knowing how much she cares for you (especially being that she still cries) and knowing you don't want anything more than friendship.... I know it may be hard to totally cross her off. Do you still have lingering feelings for her? If so, I would say , figure out what you feel for her first, then go back to talking afterwards. Not knowing what you feel can really ruin a relationship and hurt another person. If you know you don't have any feelings for her, I would say stay NC. I know it doesn't seem best for you, but it's best for her. It would only hurt her worse to stay in contact with you. Hugs, xx 1
Banjo Han Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Stay NC. It will get better over time. With contact, it won't.
SoThatHappened Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Find some way to get her to this site. 1
Fran23 Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Missinglink. The only reason why I think it is probably for the best is because you are still very young and deserve to have more experiences and explore what is best for you at your own pace. Having said that, the "spark" and the notion of "the one" is just bull**** propagated by Hollywood standards and eventually it contributes to people having crap relationships, putting up with too much abuse and horrible behavior (because omg, the spark is there) and in the end to lose the plot. And the plot is simple. Partnership. I am not saying people should settle for people they do not have any feelings for but the notion of destiny and going crazy about someone are not the right basis to have a solid companionship. The reason for that is that the lust and the being mad about each other does not last and when it fades you had better have some solid fountation otherwise it will not go anywhere. Best part is that when the "honeymoon" is over only then it can go either way. Either you develop deep feelings of love that are not based purely on romance but on a very personal level (they become your person you care for them, they are part of you and it is way sweeter than going crazy over them - keyword:crazy) or you end up annoyed with all the little things you ignored while infatuated and it fizzles. In your twenties it is normal to be restless and unsure and to want the great romance etc but if you had been in, say your late thirties writing this I would have called you an idiot (I read the original thread this is where it is coming from) for sacrificing a perfectly functional, mutually supportive relationship because the philarmonic orchestra isn't playing in your ear every time that you kiss (and I am saying that based on your own previous admission that you really love her, but not as intensely as you should). So yes, in your case you are being selfish. You made a decision. It is probably the best in your situation given your age and need to explore. But be a man and stick to it. And do not for a moment claim you are doing it "to help her" or "for her benefit". You don't get to decide what is her benefit, she is her own person. It is your need to talk and be close to her that you are serving. You are not doing her any favors. You get to damp her, you get to not feel uneasy, and you are not obligated to reciprocate. Sounds sweet. So, you don't want to be with her, great. Cut her loose and let her heal and yes, that means that eventually she WILL forget you because we all forget and because the world is full of potential partners and she is young and wonderful so it will not take long I can assure you. You don't have to be cruel about it. Just firm. So, you want to do something for her benefit, allow her to heal and be a man and respect your choice. Choices come with consequences. That was your choice and yet by not quite cutting ties you are aleviating your pain while prolonging hers.
Fran23 Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 Also, I speak from experience. When I met my guy he fed me the exact same lines six months into the relationship. How he adores me as a person but he failed to "fall for me the way I deserved", I wasn't "the one". His actions contradicted his words and he pretty much didn't want to let go which left me in limbo. I left anyway wishing him well, holding no grudge but knowing that allowing him to dominate my life without offering anything of substance was unfair to me. Didn't speak to him in a month, complete no contact, missed him terribly but I knew my worth and I concentrated on healing. He came back crying at my doorstep and hasn't strayed since for the next 3 years. We had ups and downs and life threw many difficulties but we were a team. We would not have separated if it wasn't for circumstances. He felt like home and I still mourn the fact we are not together but you know what, the world is big. True it is not easy to find someone who is so compatible which is why we should appreciate what we have but it is also not impossible. She will be ok. Just let the process begin already.
annisk Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) Holy f***. Wow. I'm on the receiving end of this. I can't speak for how my ex-bf feels but this is eerily similar to my situation. A lot of what you've said about your ex-gf sounds a lot like how I was with my ex e.g. v dedicated (not flattering myself or anything, I know I can be a devil a lot of times). It's been a month and a half now, and can I just say, I am very glad he did it. Because the thought of him being with me and having feelings such as those as you've described, makes me cringe so badly. I feel so bad that my ex-boyfriend has had to look at me and feel nothing. And I felt it. I just never said anything about it because I was unsure (then) and in-denial. It's not how someone wants to feel about their SO, and it's not how someone wants to be felt about by their SO either. I'm not sure how your ex is handling it, but I don't plan on speaking to my ex anytime soon. In fact, I don't think I plan to for a very long time. But that's just my ego coming in the way and not wanting to let him have his cake and eat it too. Because at the end of the day, he is a cool guy. My ex personally didn't give me the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" talk and has largely left me to decipher the entire break-up on my own (with PLENTY of forum reading). I'm not sure which I would rather but if he had said so, I probably would've spent a lot less time and energy frantically looking for answers on the internet. He was my first boyfriend too, and mainly because he's been the only boy I've ever known that I like enough to pursue a relationship with. Your girl will be fine. And so will you. As a hopeless romantic, all I can say for now is that "If you truly love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was always yours. If it doesn't, it never was." or something like that. I don't know about you (and my ex for that matter), because you said that you've always loved her more as a sister or as a best friend (god forbid he feels this way too), so I'm not sure if that would work out. Some times, we don't know it, but we just have some growing up to do. We're still so young anyway and we have our entire lives ahead of us. And if there wasn't anything fundamentally wrong with the relationship, who knows what might happen 10 ish years down the line? Don't bank on it! But it's nice to romanticise once in awhile And at the end of the day, I genuinely feel as though I did do my best to love him and don't regret a single moment I spent with him. All my best Edited October 4, 2014 by annisk
still_an_Angel Posted October 4, 2014 Posted October 4, 2014 It would be best to leave her alone. You have made your decision to break up and this is a consequence. You have to help her heal by keeping NC, otherwise you're just dragging this on and continue to hurt her. In time, when both of your feelings have settled, you may be able to pick up the friendship. And I certainly hope you are able to. She sounds like a great girl but I understand where you're coming from with regards to your feelings. I have been reading your posts since you started and I admire your honesty and courage to do what you see as the best decision for both of you. Sometimes, the best person is not the one. You are looking for something that is not in her. There are people in our lives who are destined to travel with us only as friends, others as lovers as well. Hopefully you can still have her in your life as a friend later on. I wish you the best.
Recommended Posts