How to leave such a sweet girl? (Ended it, Updated)

[ExpatInItaly]

I know it's just gotta be like taking off a band-aid. I just need to get it over with. But it is really hard. I really do wish things could work out because she is such a perfect girlfriend, but I just remind myself that if the proper feelings aren't there, it's not something I should be clinging on to. I also know that my life will change, since it has been so centered around her, but it's been so like a best friend I look after. I will stick to the best friend thing, because it's the honest truth and probably one of the less hurtful way to tell her.

The crappy thing (or another one) is that her birthday is right around the corner and also a trip that she had been wanting to go on with me. But, I guess there is no great time for a break up other than sooner than later.

 

Definitely do it before this trip happens. If you go with her and then dump her, it will devastate her and make yourself come across as an insensitive ass. I know you don't want to hurt her, but it is going to hurt no matter what. Don't wait any longer.

[todreaminblue]

@todreaminblue

I pretty much have made my decision though. All throughout the relationship I have had doubts. I simply though it would be fixed in time. Come 3.5 years into it all, I still feel the same, only more trapped. That is not something I should be feeling. I already went onto the "Dating" section of the forums and got some input, but I already knew what I wanted deep down. I just kept trying to tell myself that the right thing to do is to stay and make up excuses to stay. I felt like it was a bad reason or unfair for me to leave her with it all. The other thread simply made me realize that my reason for wanting to leave is a legitimate reason. I have tried to spark things again and simply couldn't. I didn't just say "Oh well" and jump ship. The feelings aren't new. These have been around for a while now.

I'm not trying to give you attitude, I just ended up venting ha. Sorry. It just helps to write down my thoughts sometimes.

But back to it all. If there was something I could do that could spark the correct feelings, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would much rather keep her that let her go. She is just so perfect. But I know I can't stay in this relationship when I don't have the proper feelings for her.

 

as long as you are sure missinglink.....do it gently kindly but firmly i really do wish you well......good luck...deb

[regine_phalange]

Tell her the truth. If she knows that you love her in a non-romantic way, almost like your sister, then she will realize she can't do anything about it and won't have other choice but to move on.

 

But don't expect to keep each other in your life; she will still be your ex-girlfriend, and sooner or later she or you will find other people who will feel uncomfortable with the situation. Keeping in touch as exes is not sustainable.

[AltiumV]

before you throw away a diamond to go searching for a rock remember these things.

 

1. if u dump her she will be having sex with other guys in all your favourite positions.

2. she will enjoy it

3. you have to accept this

4. you can't be friends with ur ex's this sister complex relationship will die

5. you will never see feel and hear from her again for the rest of your life.

6. grass is never greener

 

if you can comfortabley tick all 6 of those off. end it and dont look back, else work on it. my suggestion would be to not end it but ahwell.

[R3d]

This is so sad to witness...

[doeblin]

@AltiumV et al.

 

Many of you came to loveshack because you were in a horrible, destructive relationship. It's understandable that from your point of view, even a tepid romance seems desirable. But none of you should be pessimistic.

 

The OP is very young and has plenty of time to find the passionate love affair he is looking for.

 

(But of course he is the one who has to decide what to do in the end.)

[AltiumV]

im starting to think hes doing her a favor, if someone breaks up "cuz the feelings aint there" that's stupid the honeymoon doesn't last forever why no create some feelings and appreciate what you have?, hes been watching to many tv shows about true love and thinking its real he "cares" about her as a best friend lol, the mind of the dumper is sometimes scary, pulling the string on the heart waiting for a opportunity to slice the axe.

 

More things i should add.

 

is that when she gets a new bf u cant communicate with her she deserves a clean slate and so does the new guy. im telling you this not to be a arse or to be cruel but THIS IS REALITY. you will become strangers after this not friends. not best friends nothing you will deteriorate to NOTHING!

[AltiumV]

@AltiumV et al.

 

Many of you came to loveshack because you were in a horrible, destructive relationship. It's understandable that from your point of view, even a tepid romance seems desirable. But none of you should be pessimistic.

 

The OP is very young and has plenty of time to find the passionate love affair he is looking for.

 

(But of course he is the one who has to decide what to do in the end.)

 

yes i have been in horrible relationships before which is why im trying to tell him the reality of the situation. i apologize if i come across as being rude/mean just trying to prepare him sorry if my methods are crazy. but your %100 correct its upto him in the end.

[doeblin]

yes i have been in horrible relationships before which is why im trying to tell him the reality of the situation. i apologize if i come across as being rude/mean just trying to prepare him sorry if my methods are crazy. but your %100 correct its upto him in the end.

 

Well, you can find a passionate love affair too! Just keep at it!

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

im starting to think hes doing her a favor, if someone breaks up "cuz the feelings aint there" that's stupid the honeymoon doesn't last forever why no create some feelings and appreciate what you have?, hes been watching to many tv shows about true love and thinking its real he "cares" about her as a best friend lol, the mind of the dumper is sometimes scary, pulling the string on the heart waiting for a opportunity to slice the axe.

 

More things i should add.

 

is that when she gets a new bf u cant communicate with her she deserves a clean slate and so does the new guy. im telling you this not to be a arse or to be cruel but THIS IS REALITY. you will become strangers after this not friends. not best friends nothing you will deteriorate to NOTHING!

 

Did you read this thread? There WAS no honeymoon. He liked her. He never developed the feelings he needed to develop. He never genuinely fell in love with her. It's infinitely more cruel to let this continue and rob her of the chance to find someone that feels the same way. He's not pulling strings; he's trying to find the best time and place to do this, and that's not always easy.

 

Oh, and by the way, 99% of grown men aren't upset that their exes are having sex with other men. It's called "reality".

[BC1980]

Do it as quickly as you can. There is no right time or good way to do it. You will have to leave her forever though. Don't offer friendship, and don't accept an offer of friendship. Neither of you can heal that way.

[aussietigerwolf]

Yes... You were with this girl for 3.5 years when you were never feeling it??? Oh and don't pretend this is some noble sacrifice you're making either. This is about what you want not her... And you still want to string her along as a "friend" wow... She will be better off without you

 

You've been stringing this woman along for over three years? What kind of an ******* are you? That's incredibly cruel.

 

You're pretending this was a lingering feeling, you're a coward. Plain and simple. Grow some balls.

[BC1980]

Yes... You were with this girl for 3.5 years when you were never feeling it??? Oh and don't pretend this is some noble sacrifice you're making either. This is about what you want not her... And you still want to string her along as a "friend" wow... She will be better off without you

 

Totally agree. How can it take over 3 years to realize you were never in love with someone?

[HurtingGirl]

Being honest is not so bad. If she is special you can tell her that you need to back off. I think being there for her when she needs to talk is ok. This is a different situation than a no contact rule as you have doubts. Just understand her emotions will be up and down and do not get upset if she does move on. But sometimes breaking away from a relationship can make you realize alot from both sides.

[BC1980]

Being honest is not so bad. If she is special you can tell her that you need to back off. I think being there for her when she needs to talk is ok. This is a different situation than a no contact rule as you have doubts. Just understand her emotions will be up and down and do not get upset if she does move on. But sometimes breaking away from a relationship can make you realize alot from both sides.

 

He can't be there for her when she wants to talk. She will never be able to let go if that happens, and it's unfair because he will find it much easier to let go. OP wants to have her as a friend. That's exactly what he wants, but it's not fair to her.

[missinglink]

@BC1980

I am trying very hard to not be cruel. I was not intentionally stringing her along or leading her on. I simply thought that my feelings would grow as time went on. I would do very romantic gestures as would she. I just thought that it was a great relationship full of passion until fairly recently she when was gone for a while and I didn't miss her. It made me evaluate the relationship and realize that I didn't have the romantic love for her. I was just going through the motions not thinking about it. I was very CONTENT, but she was very HAPPY. I do love her, but I just don't feel the romance. I feel that she deserves someone who is HAPPY with her and has genuine romance to offer her.

I understand that she may not want to be friends, and it may be best for her to move on if we don't remain friends. While I would love to stay friends, if it is best for her to not be, so be it. Of course this is partially for myself, but not entirely. It is equally for both of us. I think it would be very very cruel to her if I were to feel this way, get married, have kids, etc. Not only that, but I would not be happy. Of course her feelings matter to me though. This is more more her than it is me. I can deal with this. I'm not a horndog or pulling my hair out being in this relationship, but it would be mean to stay with her with these reserves about the relationship. That is why I am doing this.

[BC1980]

@BC1980

I am trying very hard to not be cruel. I was not intentionally stringing her along or leading her on. I simply thought that my feelings would grow as time went on. I would do very romantic gestures as would she. I just thought that it was a great relationship full of passion until fairly recently she when was gone for a while and I didn't miss her. It made me evaluate the relationship and realize that I didn't have the romantic love for her. I was just going through the motions not thinking about it. I was very CONTENT, but she was very HAPPY. I do love her, but I just don't feel the romance. I feel that she deserves someone who is HAPPY with her and has genuine romance to offer her.

I understand that she may not want to be friends, and it may be best for her to move on if we don't remain friends. While I would love to stay friends, if it is best for her to not be, so be it. Of course this is partially for myself, but not entirely. It is equally for both of us. I think it would be very very cruel to her if I were to feel this way, get married, have kids, etc. Not only that, but I would not be happy. Of course her feelings matter to me though. This is more more her than it is me. I can deal with this. I'm not a horndog or pulling my hair out being in this relationship, but it would be mean to stay with her with these reserves about the relationship. That is why I am doing this.

 

I definitely agree that you should break up with her, but it's just naive to think that your feelings will grow for 3 years. Maybe you wait it out for a few months. Regardless, the damage has been done, so it's best to end it as soon as possible.

[BC1980]

I just read your first post where you said that you tried to end it a month ago, but she didn't react well. I would end this ASAP, and do not keep contact with her. Tell her that you are not trying to be cruel by cutting contact, but it is what you both need to heal. You have to be firm to be kind in this case.

[missinglink]

@BC1980

Well at the beginning all was well and growing. But she ended up breaking up due to some silly reason that she regrets. We got back together within 24 hours and I just haven't had any growth with my romantic feelings for her since. I did think they would eventually grow, but as I went through the motions, hoping the romantic feelings would grow, I forgot about the issue because everything was fine. Nothing made me think I should be concerned.

Now my love for her did grow, but just in the friend department. She is a truly great person.

I would like to wait a few months, but I feel that it would be unfair to her if nothing changes or gets resolved.

And yeah, I just gotta get it over with. I just do want to try to be as gentle as possible.

[R3d]

@BC1980

Well at the beginning all was well and growing. But she ended up breaking up due to some silly reason that she regrets. We got back together within 24 hours and I just haven't had any growth with my romantic feelings for her since. I did think they would eventually grow, but as I went through the motions, hoping the romantic feelings would grow, I forgot about the issue because everything was fine. Nothing made me think I should be concerned.

Now my love for her did grow, but just in the friend department. She is a truly great person.

I would like to wait a few months, but I feel that it would be unfair to her if nothing changes or gets resolved.

And yeah, I just gotta get it over with. I just do want to try to be as gentle as possible.

 

Any updates? If you don't mind sharing...

[missinglink]

*****UPDATE******

 

So, I had been seriously contemplating a break up for a very long time with my now ex. What made it so hard is that she is so perfect. I know that I will NEVER come across a girl like her again. I do love her and I know that she loves me beyond belief. There were no real snags in our relationship either, but I felt like I had to end this relationship of almost 4 years for a few reasons:

 

1. I fell for another girl pretty strongly. I didn't leave her for this girl, but the fact that I fell so hard for another girl was what I felt a good reason on it's own. Also, now that I'm not with my ex, I don't have any particularly strong feelings for this other girl anymore because I can't get my ex off my mind.

2. I wasn't giving her the attention and affection a boyfriend should give a girl. She, on the other hand, poured her heart and soul into the relationship. This made me feel like I was doing her an injustice by giving her less than what she wants and most definitely deserves.

3. The fire was gone and I couldn't seem to re-ignite it. I did try though, and very hard.

4. I'm a confused guy in his early 20s that felt trapped. This is not the kind of guy that she deserves.

5. We are pretty darn different. We don't really like any of the same things and I almost always found myself wishing I was with my friends rather than her. She was even ok with us all hanging out, but I just seemed to enjoy the time with just my friends more.

 

Now, I fell asleep crying and am feeling a wrenching regret. I kinda saw it coming though. However, I do genuinely feel that she was hurt significantly more by the break up than I was. So, of course I feel like the bad guy, but I was just trying to do the right thing.

She is really such a perfect girl though. So, I'll add a counter list of five:

 

1. She is incredibly loving and caring. Exactly the kind of girl every mother dreams of her son bringing home. My mother even said that. She loves me unconditionally.

2. She is incredibly smart.

3. She is incredibly beautiful.

4. There isn't anything she wouldn't do for me.

5. She has wonderful morals and values.

 

So, she is perfect on paper, but that doesn't mean she's perfect for me. But anyways, with all that said, I am really feeling like I made a mistake. But again, I did see this coming. If I do try to get back with her, I will give it a week or two before trying, but I don't want to drag it out too long. I just never saw the issues (on my part) going away unless I ended things. I knew a break up would instill regret, sadness, and everything else. I knew that the grass is not greener. I knew that she is perfect wife material. I knew that your SO doesn't have to like everything you like. For some reason though, despite knowing and understanding all these made no difference in my feelings. I simply couldn't shake these feelings of doubt and knew they would only grow more if I carried on as I was. So here I am, where I knew I would be. I'm regretting it just as I thought. I'm sad, just as I thought. And I want her back, just as I thought.

What should I do? Any input at all is greatly appreciated.

Edited September 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loversquarrel]

You experienced what being in a loving, caring and stable relationship was like and you mistreated it by taking your girlfriend for granted. You really don't deserve her as you pulled a very selfish move by going for something you thought was better, but ultimately its up to her on whether or not she takes you back. You should let her go and find someone else that "does it" for you. If you win her back you will be back to feeling bored with her within a matter of time unless something changes which is unlikely.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think if you get back together, it will happen again. Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear. But you sound fundamentally incompatible, though there is love. Just doesn't strike me as something that will make you happy in the long run. There will be that sense of security, but no real desire. I think the issues that came between you will not yet be resolved and will cause problems again.

 

I think you're missing her companionship. I think you feel awful for breaking her heart. But I also think, deep inside you, you know it was the right choice. My two cents is to stay apart for a while. Get to know yourself again without her. Then reassess whether or not reconciling would be a wise idea.

[hestheone66]

Don't beat yourself up about it as long as when you broke up with her you were honest and gentle. Love is strange and defies logic which is why she can be perfect on paper but not be able to hold your attention. I suspect her behaviour essentially of being a doormat changed the way you were attracted to her and maybe on some level you lost respect for her. The other girl peaked your intrigue. It's human nature to want what we can't have. Your girlfriend didn't keep your sexual interest and once that is gone a relationship Can be very hard to maintain.

Love without sexual Attraction becomes just familial. You are young and your desire for variety is natural. You will learn better

[Mister Zen]

You didn't make a mistake. People always want what they don't have. So now that you no longer have her.. you want her again. But when you had her, you wanted to hang out with your friends.

 

And while you may not meet someone EXACTLY like her ever again.. you might meet someone way better who you have more in common with.

 

Look ahead. You're very young. Neither of you will be the same person by age 30 anyway.