How to leave such a sweet girl? (Ended it, Updated)

[Jules Dash]

I don't know where to begin on this one. This one hits home well.

 

I was in a similar situation as yours and I had deep regrets for a very long time for leaving my ex. I agree with the recommendation to seek counseling first. I want you to consider the following:

 

1. I know you think you may realize the consequences of leaving this woman but it is impossible to imagine it until it has actually happens. I bet you it will be a lot more profound than you think.

 

2. I think you will regret it. This person is very unique to your life not just because she is so good to you but because how your relationship has developed and become intertwined into each other lives can never truly happen in the same manner again. You will appreciate this a lot more once she is out of your life and it will be painful.

 

3. Abandon any possible thought that she will be your friend after you let her get away or the though that you may somehow get her back in the future if you start to really miss her. After all, she loves you so much that she can never get over you and not be interested in seeing you or being your friend, right? Wrong!

 

She feels the way she does now because she is in love with you and hasn't had a chance to get over you. Once she is over you, you will become a memory. Once she find someone else, which may be a lot sooner than your ego can handle, she will give all that good love to him. He will like it so much that he won't stand the chance of her being truly friends with you. If you think you two will be hanging out like buddies or talking on the phone regularly, stop that thinking. She will move on and you will see her with a baby bump on her Facebook page a year later hugged up to another guy.

 

4. Like someone said above, it will be very very difficult to find someone like this again. These sort of women are like once in a life time type of deals. They become the one you let get away. I am not saying you won't ever find another special person to share your life with, it just may not be any where near as special. You can spend years in relationships that don't go any where just because other women is just not measuring up to her standards so you tend to search for someone who responds to you like she has.

 

5. She may show up in your dreams often. This sort of thing takes dreaming to a whole other level. When the one you get away shows up in your dream often, it feels like reality and waking up feels like a Prometheus type of punishment.

 

 

You may think that she just does not do it for you but I think time away will help you to appreciate her more and realize just what a true diamond you have. I am not saying you should spend time away because time away may also allow time for her to get over you and develop feelings for someone else.

 

I think you should seek counseling first. Having been in a similar relationship before, I look back and ask myself what could have I done different to help myself avoid the mistake of letting my ex go and I think this may have helped. You are young and probably have not experienced the dating world enough to see just how unpleasant it can be (imagine someone talking you disrespectfully and cursing you which your GF probably does not do). Take a few moments and read the Dating section of this site like I have. Many stories there can become very familiar to you after you break up with your GF and you will only think about how you shouldn't have to deal with that kind of B.S. because you had the one but you let her get away.

[infamousma]

I went through something like you did missinglink. I got to know my ex very well as we just started out as friends and taking a lot about everything. She somehow trusted me and opened up about her life and such to me, someone who she barely even knew. But when we dated there was times I thought that I didn't want to date her and how I could break it off nicely.

 

my reasonings were small but they added up but I pushed those aside and kept on loving her. Now that my somewhat "wish" came true and we are no longer dating after having a very close relationship for the past 3 years and I broke it off. I am here sitting everyday wondering WHAT IF and WHY...it's like that saying you dont know what you have until its gone and I am at the moment miserable and maybe I did take her for granted and I did get lazy and stopped doing some of the little things.

 

But I suggest you think it over man, you've been together this long. maybe even talk it out with her because I feel most relationships, they are just ended without talking it out. Maybe a break is what you need to see if you do actually love her or you were right on your feelings that you dont love her anymore. Work it out!

[missinglink]

A lot of people say that I may realize what I had once I let her go, and that is something I am afraid of. I know it's a real possibility, and more likely than unlikely at that. The thing is, I have been having these doubts for so long now and have not been able to shake them off. I feel like my situation either stay with her and keep having these doubts or break up with her and regret it. I know there are other possibilities however.

 

If I stay:

1. I will continue to have doubts

 

If I leave:

1. I will regret it

2. I will be glad I did

 

I do not know how to dismiss these feelings of doubt about the relationship, so these are the 3 possible outcomes depending on what I do. So from a mathematical standpoint, if I stay there will be a 100% chance I will not be really happy. If I leave, it will be 50/50. Now I know that is not a completely accurate way to represent it, but it shows my point.

If I do stay with her, I need to find out how to dismiss those doubts about her being my soulmate, my (romantic) love for her (I do love her, but more like a great friend), and so on. I'm still with her so I can still try something out to fix things, but I don't want to drag it out for her sake.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Don't listen to the posters urging you to stay. This is not about a grass-is-greener syndrome; you have recognized something is missing and you're not happy. You cannot force the kind of intimate chemistry and romance you're seeking. Yes, she's a great girl, she's faithful and devoted and sweet and kind, blah blah blah, but she deserves someone who loves her the same way she loves you.

 

Yes, doubts about a relationship (will we work out? What if something bad happens?) are normal. Doubts about the other person (is this the one I want to be with?) are NOT. That is your gut telling you you're unsatisfied. Listen to it.

 

As I see it there are two choices:

 

1) break up with her and cause you both some short-term pain, possibly long-term for her until she meets a new guy to rock her world

 

or

 

2) ignore your instincts, stick with it, get married and have a few kids, then have a passionate affair with your neighbor at age 38 that destroys your home and family and life as you know it but you couldn't help it because things finally felt right.

 

You can only deny the truth for so long. Trust me on this one.

[Jules Dash]

A lot of people say that I may realize what I had once I let her go, and that is something I am afraid of. I know it's a real possibility, and more likely than unlikely at that. The thing is, I have been having these doubts for so long now and have not been able to shake them off. I feel like my situation either stay with her and keep having these doubts or break up with her and regret it. I know there are other possibilities however.

 

If I stay:

1. I will continue to have doubts

 

If I leave:

1. I will regret it

2. I will be glad I did

 

I do not know how to dismiss these feelings of doubt about the relationship, so these are the 3 possible outcomes depending on what I do. So from a mathematical standpoint, if I stay there will be a 100% chance I will not be really happy. If I leave, it will be 50/50. Now I know that is not a completely accurate way to represent it, but it shows my point.

If I do stay with her, I need to find out how to dismiss those doubts about her being my soulmate, my (romantic) love for her (I do love her, but more like a great friend), and so on. I'm still with her so I can still try something out to fix things, but I don't want to drag it out for her sake.

 

 

This is much more complicated than mathematics but I get the point you are trying to make. When I say I know how you feel, I have never spoken truer words. I know your feeling exactly. I felt that I too had to get out. I even asked myself if I fully realized the consequences of what I was doing before I broke up with my ex and if I really realized that I may not ever find another woman like her ever again. I told myself I did understand, I was willing to deal with the consequences and that I just wanted to be happy. I felt trapped. Smothered. I felt like I was exploding while I was with her.

 

Leaving her is one of my biggest regrets in life.

 

You leaving your GF may be inevitable. Again, I know the feeling and the urge to leave is uncontrollable at this point and will almost certainly happen as it did with me. You will regret it on some level one day. There is no 50/50. You will regret on some level that it didn't work. You may run around jumping in the air or for a year or two at the most feeling like you have been freed from death row but once you see the other reality of dating and how truly rare your GF is, this will slow down.

 

All I am advising here is for you to try to seek counseling first and explore your feelings toward your GF more before making a decision that could greatly affect you for a very very long time.

[Zzyxx]

A lot of people say that I may realize what I had once I let her go, and that is something I am afraid of. I know it's a real possibility, and more likely than unlikely at that. The thing is, I have been having these doubts for so long now and have not been able to shake them off. I feel like my situation either stay with her and keep having these doubts or break up with her and regret it. I know there are other possibilities however.

 

If I stay:

1. I will continue to have doubts

 

If I leave:

1. I will regret it

2. I will be glad I did

 

I do not know how to dismiss these feelings of doubt about the relationship, so these are the 3 possible outcomes depending on what I do. So from a mathematical standpoint, if I stay there will be a 100% chance I will not be really happy. If I leave, it will be 50/50. Now I know that is not a completely accurate way to represent it, but it shows my point.

If I do stay with her, I need to find out how to dismiss those doubts about her being my soulmate, my (romantic) love for her (I do love her, but more like a great friend), and so on. I'm still with her so I can still try something out to fix things, but I don't want to drag it out for her sake.

 

I would also say that before making major decisions, maybe you should either take a break or talk things out with her. Like a pervious poster said, and I agree with, you see so many posts on here with one or both parties having bad communication and not trying to work on things that might be fixed. You said you love her like a great friend, well maybe there's something that SHE can do to bring back the spark, or something that you guys could do together to address these doubts that you have. Maybe you could do a session with a couple's counselor to voice these doubts if you're afraid she's going to get too emotional. I've also been on both sides of the coin, but I feel like lack of communication can play a big part in sometimes unecessary break ups. When my ex was dumping me, she did have some valid reasons for feeling like she had to (for example she claims that my lack of respect for her huge need of alone time was an issue, and I totally admit I could have been much more respectful of this) but then she harped on a lot of small and insignificant issues that if she had just communicated to me I could have easily changed (stuff like screwing the mayo jar back on, that's not something that's fundamental to my personality and could have easily fixed had I known to what extent it bothered her, things like that). So maybe if you tell her how you feel it will release some of the burden of doubt.

[Jules Dash]

. When my ex was dumping me, she did have some valid reasons for feeling like she had to (for example she claims that my lack of respect for her huge need of alone time was an issue, and I totally admit I could have been much more respectful of this) but then she harped on a lot of small and insignificant issues that if she had just communicated to me I could have easily changed (stuff like screwing the mayo jar back on, that's not something that's fundamental to my personality and could have easily fixed had I known to what extent it bothered her, things like that). So maybe if you tell her how you feel it will release some of the burden of doubt.

 

 

Wait. Let me get this straight. So you would put the mayo jar back inside of the fridge without screwing the top back on first?

That's a legit cause for breakup, man.

[Zzyxx]

Wait. Let me get this straight. So you would put the mayo jar back inside of the fridge without screwing the top back on first?

That's a legit cause for breakup, man.

 

 

Haha, no, that was just an example of a minor thing I could come up with. I was always a lot cleaner than her.

[sly_fly1]

maybe it doesnt feel right because maybe your not into women?

[doeblin]

You will regret it on some level one day. There is no 50/50. You will regret on some level that it didn't work.

 

 

Man, your such a pessimist. He wants to take the risk to find a better match. He is still very young (early 20s, right?), this girl is his first real gf. There is a possibility that their relationship isn't really that good, since he doesn't even have a point of comparison.

 

Also, I truly think that "my soulmate" and "love of my life" are harmful, sentimental concepts. There's no such thing as a soulmate or "THE ONE". Yes, there are different degrees of chemistry, and with this girl they might have (let's say) 70% chemistry*, and even if this is very rare, there are thousands and thousands of other girls out there who might be good or better matches for him. Yes, it might take a couple of years to find one, and yeah, he might date some less worthy people along the way, but he is still very young. He needs to develop the mental acuity to filter the best candidates.

 

And the Loveshack forum is not representative, because people come here to talk about their problems in the first place.

 

People say they need to go to counseling, like they were married with kids. This is teenage l'amour**, people, this kind of stuff usually don't last.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*since their different perception of their sex-life is a big minus

 

** it's not even l'amour, really, since he had doubts from the beginning. People say he should revive the spark, but it seems there wasn't any spark before. From what I gather from his other threads, there was no passionate infatuation. This was a very good friendship (with handjobs).

[missinglink]

@sly_fly1

I'm definitely into women. I'm actually very physically attracted to her. She turns me on (although we have never had sex, we do get intimate). The issue with that isn't the physical part. On an emotional level, it feels off.

 

@Zzyxx

Next chance I get I'm gonna talk to her about it. Breaks are out of the question with her. She said if it's a break, it's a break up. I will, however, talk to her about my feelings. She told me she noticed me doing less romantic things for her than I used to towards the beginning of our relationship, so this might actually help her feel a bit better just having an explanation. I would've explained to her earlier, but it took me until just recently to realize all this.

As for the counseling, I actually tried to contact some professionals, but their practices were based on calling them first to schedule an appointment. They don't really have office hours. Not one in my area answered or called back. I will try again though.

[missinglink]

@doeblin

I think it is fair to say I never felt that spark, even though she did. With that situation, is there a possibility that a spark could come or we could try something to make it happen? Or is the spark supposed to come without effort and there's really nothing that can be done to make it happen?

She is really sweet and she does mean a lot to me. If I could make things work with her (bring out he spark), I'd love to. If we can't though, I know that ending things would be the right thing to do.

[doeblin]

@doeblin

If I could make things work with her (bring out he spark), I'd love to.

 

 

I'm really skeptical about "working through it to bring out the spark".

 

What chimpanZ said:

 

Let's say you two get married, and you actually have an okay-to-good marriage. That's not something to scoff at. HOWEVER a few years down the line you're bound to get infatuated with someone else, and it will be a strong emotion, a full-on grass is greener syndrome, and you will quite possibly cheat on your wife bringin misery on both of you. This is a real possibility. Or you may have the best marriage ever. Who knows? But I'm skeptical. In your 20s you really should explore your options.

[infamousma]

missinglink, talk it out with your gf! if you have doubts she needs to know and maybe she can fix it or maybe she cant. but the big thing here is COMMUNICATE! tell her how you feel man. You cant just leave this to yourself because relationships take two and in the end of all this if you do separate, there is no way of leaving a sweet girl nicely. She will take it hard no matter what, but the least you can do is tell her

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

@doeblin

I think it is fair to say I never felt that spark, even though she did. With that situation, is there a possibility that a spark could come or we could try something to make it happen? Or is the spark supposed to come without effort and there's really nothing that can be done to make it happen?

She is really sweet and she does mean a lot to me. If I could make things work with her (bring out he spark), I'd love to. If we can't though, I know that ending things would be the right thing to do.

 

No. You can't manufacture a spark, period. It's true that it's not always mutual. If you had had it earlier and lost it, then I'd say you might be able to bring it back again. But you can't force what's not there. You're young enough that you will both be able to move on in time and have dozens of passionate relationships.

[Xiang]

Wow...so similar to what i went through.

I loved this girl, was sexually attracted to her, i liked doing what we did.

But at the same time i didn't feel a spark as in romance, i felt she was to much of a friend or daughter. But i did want to do her.

 

In my case, because she was very immature, naive and needed guiding, i loved her, i helped her, but her behavior made me think that way about her...idk what to say really. I just groomed her to much she was like my child..teach her that, show her that...get her to eat, she was depressive when i "found" her and practically a walkin corpse...

I think that if she was more capable and i didn't have to nurture her like that, i could of had a healthy relationship and not feel the way i did.

We ended it, tried friends, didn't work.

 

DO I regret it? years later yes i do. Because she took some hard hits in life and changed for the better, she MATURED and turned into a woman i could love, nl longer the immature naive little girl, taking care of herself.

 

Idk what to tell you...give it a shot?

Edited September 7, 2014 by Xiang

[doeblin]

DO I regret it? years later yes i do.

 

I've seen your other thread. Your depression obviously colors the way you see missinglink's situation.

[Apaige]

I have been with my girlfriend for about 3.5 years now. Just recently I realized I love who she is, what she does, how she loves me, and our relationship. The issue is, I thought I didn't love her. Today I was with her and something clicked. I do love her, but not in the way I should love someone that I'm in a relationship with. I love her as a sister or best friend. I am physically attracted to her but for some reason it never really felt right when we got intimate and I think this is why.

 

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for this girl though. That's why I need to end things. I know it will break her heart, but she deserves to be with someone that loves her the way she wants to be loved. I have never told her anything about these feelings and realizations I've had, so it will all probably take her by surprise. I truly want to keep her in my life because she truly means so much to me, but I definitely don't want to do the "I think we should just be friends" thing. It's different than that. Because my love for her is unlike the love I have for anyone else, but it's simply not the right kind of love. It is not the romance love.

 

How can I keep her in my life but set her free to be with someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved by a boyfriend?

 

Extra details:

Both early twenties.

Very close to each others families (although our families aren't close to each other).

She has travelled with my parents and I abroad.

I am her first boyfriend.

Her mother married her first boyfriend (my gf's father).

My girlfriend is really into me. I mean extremely dedicated.

Her birthday is in a few weeks (I don't know if the breakup should be so close to it).

She is pretty much perfect. I know it's a subjective term, but most would agree she's, if not perfect, pretty darn near it.

She is extremely EXTREMELY emotional. Not like she is set off easily, but when her emotions are triggered, it can get rough.

We did go through an almost-breakup that I initiated and her reaction was chaos (which was a big part of me not sticking to it). This was about a month ago.

Her friends and I are pretty close, but they are still HER friends more than mine.

 

All input appreciated. Thank you.

 

 

Wow!!! Am I your GF? Kidding...my BF of two years has recently broken things off with me because there are too many other factors in my life...recently divorced, horrible EX, my location is not ideal for him, so on....but I am "amazing, the most wonderful female that he has ever been with, loyal, I have the biggest heart...." He broke things off with me because of the above issues, I call BS! It's called life...he still contacts me, we've gone out a few times after the break up, and I have to say, as much as it would hurt for him to just end everything with me, I would prefer that!! I am extremely confused, more so now then before...do her a favor; END IT!! All of it!! I wish you lots of luck!

[Jules Dash]

Man, your such a pessimist.

 

I resent that.

[doeblin]

I resent that.

 

No hard feelings.

 

 

(Also I couldn't edit the grammatical error I made. Guess I was typing too fast. Sigh...)

[missinglink]

So, I saw her today and tried to break things off. Wasn't able to get too far with it though since she ended up having to leave early for something.

We were just sitting around and I told her "You're like, my best friend. You really are a great friend" (not verbatim though). She smiled but looked a little puzzled. Her sister called her a minute or two afterwards and she had to head out. I walked her to her car and before I said anything, she hugged me, kissed me, and said "You're like my best friend too. But I don't want to be just best friends." I couldn't put the right words together in time so I'll need to finish talking to her about it another time. I don't think she thought I was going to try to break things off.

Idk guys, what do you think of this situation?

[mightycpa]

Like doeblin might say:

 

If you're going to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.

[doeblin]

I don't think she thought I was going to try to break things off.

Idk guys, what do you think of this situation?

 

Well, did you make a decision?

If you decided to break up with her, then be firm about it. Make it clear that it is over.

The break-up talk shouldn't take more than an hour, there's no need to have a 6 hour yelling match (but you don't actually seem the type.)

 

After that you have to walk out of her life, forever.

[whichwayisup]

So, I saw her today and tried to break things off. Wasn't able to get too far with it though since she ended up having to leave early for something.

We were just sitting around and I told her "You're like, my best friend. You really are a great friend" (not verbatim though). She smiled but looked a little puzzled. Her sister called her a minute or two afterwards and she had to head out. I walked her to her car and before I said anything, she hugged me, kissed me, and said "You're like my best friend too. But I don't want to be just best friends." I couldn't put the right words together in time so I'll need to finish talking to her about it another time. I don't think she thought I was going to try to break things off.

Idk guys, what do you think of this situation?

 

She is going to get hurt, regardless. You can't stop that, but what you can do is end it respectfully and be kind about it, be there for her to help with closure.

 

Whatever you do, don't do the I love you but I'm not in love with you speech.

 

Focus on the best friend line of thinking...That as much as you care deeply for her and want what is best for her, and unfortunately that means you two can't be together anymore as you can't give her what she needs and wants.

[missinglink]

I know it's just gotta be like taking off a band-aid. I just need to get it over with. But it is really hard. I really do wish things could work out because she is such a perfect girlfriend, but I just remind myself that if the proper feelings aren't there, it's not something I should be clinging on to. I also know that my life will change, since it has been so centered around her, but it's been so like a best friend I look after. I will stick to the best friend thing, because it's the honest truth and probably one of the less hurtful way to tell her.

The crappy thing (or another one) is that her birthday is right around the corner and also a trip that she had been wanting to go on with me. But, I guess there is no great time for a break up other than sooner than later.