missinglink Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I have been with my girlfriend for about 3.5 years now. Just recently I realized I love who she is, what she does, how she loves me, and our relationship. The issue is, I thought I didn't love her. Today I was with her and something clicked. I do love her, but not in the way I should love someone that I'm in a relationship with. I love her as a sister or best friend. I am physically attracted to her but for some reason it never really felt right when we got intimate and I think this is why. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for this girl though. That's why I need to end things. I know it will break her heart, but she deserves to be with someone that loves her the way she wants to be loved. I have never told her anything about these feelings and realizations I've had, so it will all probably take her by surprise. I truly want to keep her in my life because she truly means so much to me, but I definitely don't want to do the "I think we should just be friends" thing. It's different than that. Because my love for her is unlike the love I have for anyone else, but it's simply not the right kind of love. It is not the romance love. How can I keep her in my life but set her free to be with someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved by a boyfriend? Extra details: Both early twenties. Very close to each others families (although our families aren't close to each other). She has travelled with my parents and I abroad. I am her first boyfriend. Her mother married her first boyfriend (my gf's father). My girlfriend is really into me. I mean extremely dedicated. Her birthday is in a few weeks (I don't know if the breakup should be so close to it). She is pretty much perfect. I know it's a subjective term, but most would agree she's, if not perfect, pretty darn near it. She is extremely EXTREMELY emotional. Not like she is set off easily, but when her emotions are triggered, it can get rough. We did go through an almost-breakup that I initiated and her reaction was chaos (which was a big part of me not sticking to it). This was about a month ago. Her friends and I are pretty close, but they are still HER friends more than mine. All input appreciated. Thank you.
tory1012 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 HMMM... What a difficult situation. Firstly you will need to prepare for what will happen when you end things. From what you have described it's going to hit her very hard and she will most likely be devastated. She will try and get you to change your mind! Just make sure you are 100% sure before you end things because it is such a huge amount of pain to be the cause of. If you love her, then you must do the best thing for and that is to stay away. It will only perpetuate her pain. She will be unable to move on with you there. Good luck
todreaminblue Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 Notify her friends and her family that you love her but you want her to be with someone who loves her in a way a man should love a woman.....that you love her like a sister.....so set up a support network let them know when you plan to do it.... do the next gently but firmly...do not look back...do not change your mind once this is done its over..... and be prepared for her to not want to see you for a while..... tell her you are honored that she loves you but you wanting her to have the love she deserves so basically exactly you as have said here....she deserves more than you have to give her.......say it to her.....dont hang around or hug her or comfort her...it is patronizing her..........walk away...dont turn around to see the effect you have on her.......let her go.....so she can find that guy who truly loves her.....its closure....dont open it up again.........deb
lauri Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 Its sad to hear that you are going to end it with someone who fits into your life extremely well. Word of warning, finding someone like this is very very very difficult. However, you cannot change how you feel. Someone told me "Its not about how much you love the girl, its about how much she loves you.", which in a way, is true...but if you do not see yourself with her long time / want to be with her, you cannot force yourself / be unhappy. When you do decide to do it, it'll be very difficult. The only thing you can do is end it and explain to her clearly that you have no intentions of getting back together, that you understand this is coming out of nowhere, and that you are going to disappear from her life so she can begin to move on from you. Then, you explain that when she is fully healed and over you, you would love to have her apart of your life as a friend, but you won't accept her back into your life unless she is fully over you and doesn't expect you two to get back together. Best of luck. 3
Author missinglink Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 I have truly put ALOT of thought into this. I still question it because I know that there really will be no other girl quite like her that will come into my life. But that's just it. She is so rare. So special. I'm replaceable. She deserves someone who has just as much love to offer to her as she does to he. But do you guys really think I should try to stick with her? I have some more detailed info on the situation in another thread that I started if you would like to cheek it out. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/492176-i-am-so-lost-hurts I just don't want to be stuck decades from now married to her, me no love to give while she has a world of love for me. I don't want regret. That is why this is so hard. I could regret losing her, or I could regret staying with her. I worry that if I lose her, I will regret it and never be able to find someone else like her if I realize that SHE is what I want. But on the other hand, if I stay with her, I wonder if I will regret it because I am with someone that I don't want to be with while there is someone else that will better suit me. I elaborated a bit more on this in my other thread. I just want what is genuinely best for both of us.
whichwayisup Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 How can I keep her in my life but set her free to be with someone who will love her the way she deserves to be loved by a boyfriend? You can't, at least right away. She will need time and space from you so she can get over you. When you break up with her, do it respectfully and be kind to her. Answer anything she needs, talk to her as much as she needs to so she can make peace and have some closure. It is sad but you can't stay with someone in that you aren't passionately in love with on all levels. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 (edited) I have truly put ALOT of thought into this. I still question it because I know that there really will be no other girl quite like her that will come into my life. But that's just it. She is so rare. So special. I'm replaceable. She deserves someone who has just as much love to offer to her as she does to he. But do you guys really think I should try to stick with her? I have some more detailed info on the situation in another thread that I started if you would like to cheek it out. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/492176-i-am-so-lost-hurts I just don't want to be stuck decades from now married to her, me no love to give while she has a world of love for me. I don't want regret. That is why this is so hard. I could regret losing her, or I could regret staying with her. I worry that if I lose her, I will regret it and never be able to find someone else like her if I realize that SHE is what I want. But on the other hand, if I stay with her, I wonder if I will regret it because I am with someone that I don't want to be with while there is someone else that will better suit me. I elaborated a bit more on this in my other thread. I just want what is genuinely best for both of us. you cannot rely on others to tell you to stay or to go .....not on here.....we dont know you or her...i would suggest maybe talking to her first......if you feel that there are so many things you love about her......i do know if you let her go ...it has to be over...... search your heart follow your own heart ...do not follow the hearts of people who do not know your heart or for sure, hers.... i dont know what you expect a relationship to be ...maybe it is because you lack experience dating others and being in a relationship also......its not only about butterflies.....or feel good emotions...its hard work effort time and understanding......even heart ache......all this happens in good relationships so does doubt......to be strong in a relationship you have to take the good with the bad.......beyond infatuation and that newness you feel in the honeymoon phase.....you have and need to love when it gets old and routine......you sound really unsure........ you need to be sure......of whatever path you take.....it isnt only your heart on the line you know...it involves two hearts...so deal with this quickly.....so hearts have time to heal...be sure of your decision...theres no sidetracking or going backwards........no one on here can tell you that path......follow your own heart.....deb Edited September 5, 2014 by todreaminblue
Author missinglink Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 @todreaminblue I pretty much have made my decision though. All throughout the relationship I have had doubts. I simply though it would be fixed in time. Come 3.5 years into it all, I still feel the same, only more trapped. That is not something I should be feeling. I already went onto the "Dating" section of the forums and got some input, but I already knew what I wanted deep down. I just kept trying to tell myself that the right thing to do is to stay and make up excuses to stay. I felt like it was a bad reason or unfair for me to leave her with it all. The other thread simply made me realize that my reason for wanting to leave is a legitimate reason. I have tried to spark things again and simply couldn't. I didn't just say "Oh well" and jump ship. The feelings aren't new. These have been around for a while now. I'm not trying to give you attitude, I just ended up venting ha. Sorry. It just helps to write down my thoughts sometimes. But back to it all. If there was something I could do that could spark the correct feelings, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would much rather keep her that let her go. She is just so perfect. But I know I can't stay in this relationship when I don't have the proper feelings for her. 1
W101 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 This is a tough one, I feel as much for you as I do her in this situation, but if your not feeling it, the cruelest thing would be to string her along, so no mistaking it, your doing the right thing, I can't tell you anything to tell her that you haven't already told us here, go with tha, break ups are always a gamble, make sure you explain to her/your friends how your feeling and it isn't easy for you to do this , it's horrible when your with a nice person and want to break up, it's the hardest break up there is, I remember years and years a go having to do it, after seeing her face like that, I wanted to kill myself, I felt evil and horrible, because she didn't do anything to deserve the break up, and she really was just as sweet and loving as can be.
doeblin Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 @todreaminblue I pretty much have made my decision though. All throughout the relationship I have had doubts. It is a legitimate reason. She might be nice and pretty, but if you don't feel it... well then you should move on. Be gentle with her, but don't string her along. Have the break-up talk, then go No Contact and stick to it, for her sake. Aaaand.. all due respect for your religion... but not having sex with her for 4 years is really weird. This day and age it's almost insane. (Back in day when they were saving themselves for the wedding night, the dating/engagement were much shorter than 4 years, usually.) I mean, I might be a hedonist, but it is one of the most pleasurable things in life (at least it should be, and it can be). And this celibacy was not exactly your decision, right? You basically sacrificed 4 years of sex in your life for her culturally retrograde lifestyle... and you're not even in love with her. Move on, man... and explore the world.
lonewalker Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 If she is so perfect.. why are you not loving her? Obviously there is something u dont like about her. 3.5years is not a short time 1
CalvinM Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 You've been stringing this woman along for over three years? What kind of an ******* are you? That's incredibly cruel. You're pretending this was a lingering feeling, you're a coward. Plain and simple. Grow some balls. 1
evanescentworld Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 There is no gentle way of doing this, but be prepared to make sacrifices. If you leave her, you must cut her out of your life completely. You cannot have your cake and eat it. You cannot expect friendship, companionship and a good relationship with her, if you break her heart and dash her hopes, destroy her world and leave her bereft. You are activating this turmoil, she has to cope with it, and has no say in the matter. Therefore, she will go into mourning. And when (and more importantly, IF) a connection - based on pure friendship - is re-established, that will be down to her, not you. The door, if it ever opens to you, will be, and must be opened by her, and her alone. Do it, get it over and done with, then disappear from her life for good. Change all your contact details, do not keep tabs on her, and stop all interaction.
AltiumV Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 hello. It sounds like your relationship has hit stability which is quite common after a long time, your girlfriend should always be your best friend and true friend this is normal, i think that after you break it up you will start to feel it alot more. "you don't know what you got till its gone" i want you to imagine life without her. in my past relationship we hit stability everything was sweet i felt as if she was my best friend and my girlfriend loved her to bits, she constantly wanted to do relationship stuff like dinners/movies buy her gifts ultimately she cheated and it ended. Honestly mate you sound unsure if you let her go don't go crawling back to her after you crush her heart, otherwise appreciate what you have and work on the relationship. no-one on here should convince you to leave/keep your gf the decision is always up-to you. but as someone said don't be cruel to her and play with her emotions it's like you have the string to her heart and your dragging it around and preparing to scissor it down, she is human remember this.
movingonnow1 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I think you may regret ending it with her, but what do I know? The situation you have with her is what a lot of people would die to have...either way, you need to do what is best for you. Be mindful of her..and accept you probably won't be able to be best friends after this breakup. 2
elseaacych Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 (edited) This is coming from the other side. I had a boyfriend like you, once. Or, pretty close to it at least. We were together for about the same amount of time. He was my first boyfriend, too. Are you willing to let her walk out of your life, forever? If the answer is yes, break up with her. I can make no guarantees that either of you will want to be friends after a long time apart. She isn't going to know how to handle it if you break her heart. She's never been broken up with before so be ready for anything. She may call you everyday, she may disappear completely. Be kind to her, and tell her you understand that it's hard for her, but you can't and won't be there for her. And you understand if she doesn't want to be friends much later on in life. She deserves the best. Thank her for the time you spent together. Tell her you will always cherish it. Kiss her for the last time and wish her on her way. What you have to do upon breaking up with her is to go ahead and block her on every single level, facebook, twitter, email, phone, instagram, and go ahead and get a big fan to blow away any smoke signals while you're at it. You are doing this for her sake, and yours, because on some level, you are going to be heartbroken too. I can tell. NC may very well be as important for you as for her. Go talk to someone, mourn, even after breaking up. But resolve to put her out of your life, indefinitely. If you realize you have made a mistake, you better think on that mistake for about a year before trying to go back to her. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do. And I am sorry for you two if it doesn't work out. It will be okay in the end, though. Edited September 5, 2014 by elseaacych
slizl Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 STOP!!!! Do not break up with this girl yet! I could be wrong, but this is what I am picking up because of this sentense: "I am physically attracted to her but for some reason it never really felt right when we got intimate and I think this is why." Bro, you have bad sex, you can work this out! Please, please, please be open with her and try to resolve this issue. Communicate, try new things out in bed. Trust me, you can turn this around. You will kick yourself later in life if you do not at least try to work it out first. 3
BC1980 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 How can you just figure out, after 3.5 years, that you don't love her romantically? Did you ever love her that way? Anyway, it would be cruel to want to keep her in your life. That's not going to work, and she probably wouldn't even agree to it. She might initially, but, after the dust has settled, I'm sure she will not want to be a part of your life.
Strength in Healing Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 Masochism is what I call this. Go get therapy before you make any decisions. Thank me later.
lauri Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I'd speak with her about the intimacy issues. She may be willing to learn and try new things that you want. This girl truly loves you, so she will most likely do anything to try to make it work with you.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I do believe you should follow your gut and end it with her. I speak from the position of your girlfriend. I dated my ex for nearly 8 years, and when he finally pulled the plug, I suspect he was having the same feelings as you. Of course it was brutal and it hurt a lot, and turned our lives upside down. (We owned a car, apartment, etc) But now, three years on, I think it was for the best. I wouldn't have wanted to continue with someone who wasn't into it anymore, because I wanted more than that from a partner. Truth be told, I could sense that things weren't right - he was becoming very distant and the passion had died. Just a warning though: understand that you might not be able to keep her as a friend, at least not for a while. My ex wanted to remain friends but I just couldn't. It was far too difficult. We very rarely communicate these days. In the years since we broke up, I could count the number of times we've been in touch on one hand.
doeblin Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 Bro, you have bad sex, you can work this out! Please, please, please be open with her and try to resolve this issue. Communicate, try new things out in bed. They didn't have any sex. What I've gathered from his other thread, they've only did some petting, and even that was boring for him. She seems prudish... She's saving herself till the wedding. I don't think she'd be suddenly willing to try new things in bed. He should make his own decision, of course... but these persistent doubts, and no sex for 4 years... He seems to be genuinely bored with her as a partner... It would be cruel to string her along for another couple of years.
lonewalker Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Think u never experienced real heartbreaks. One day when u realised how painful and how others long for a stable relationship you had.. you will realised u threw away the gem that was once held firmly in your hands. 2
Natsu21 Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Personally speaking, I'd never date someone who I wasn't having sex with eventually. Not unless I REALLY liked the girl, and even until then...that's a rare possibility.
Shields boy Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Don't do it mate. Stick by her and work through it. I walked away from a girl I love and I have suffered greatly for it. Don't have regrets like I have.
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