didn't realize . . . how to fix?

[d0nnivain]

I am heartbroken. I didn't realize a friend's dad had passed away a few months ago. I knew he'd been sick but I had my own issues & wasn't on FB all the time so I missed the announcement. I also don't get the paper so I didn't see the obituary.

 

I called her today for something else so that's how I learned of her dad's death. I apologized profusely & cried on the phone. When we hung up I immediately sent a card with an apology to her & her mother.

 

When my parents passed away a lot of people didn't get the news & found out later. My heart went out to them because they didn't get to say goodbye but I got the sense that my friend was mad at me. I feel like since I knew he was sick I should have put out a Google alert for him name / obit or something but hindsight is 20/20.

 

I'm also kind of annoyed that other mutual friends who knew that I had been ill didn't call or even text me the news. There was a delay of several days between his passing, the obituary & the services.

 

Is there anything else I can / should do?

[noski]

I am heartbroken. I didn't realize a friend's dad had passed away a few months ago. I knew he'd been sick but I had my own issues & wasn't on FB all the time so I missed the announcement. I also don't get the paper so I didn't see the obituary.

 

I called her today for something else so that's how I learned of her dad's death. I apologized profusely & cried on the phone. When we hung up I immediately sent a card with an apology to her & her mother.

 

When my parents passed away a lot of people didn't get the news & found out later. My heart went out to them because they didn't get to say goodbye but I got the sense that my friend was mad at me. I feel like since I knew he was sick I should have put out a Google alert for him name / obit or something but hindsight is 20/20.

 

I'm also kind of annoyed that other mutual friends who knew that I had been ill didn't call or even text me the news. There was a delay of several days between his passing, the obituary & the services.

 

Is there anything else I can / should do?

 

 

d0nnivain,

 

First of all I'm really sorry for your loss and your friend's.I know how are it is to lose somebody you love.

When we lose someone,it's only human nature we expect our friends to be there for us.Through hardships sometimes we also realise who is really by our side.I am not sure If you are close friends or not.

 

ANYWAY ,your friend may get the sense that you weren't there for her and that's why she was "mad" or "disappointed" BUT you didn't know.The second you did,you did you tried to find all kinds of way to do something about it.I mean we are human beings,things like that happen and going forward, be there for her If needed.

 

I understand your frustration towards your friends who didn't tell you and your sadness because you didn't know a thing but you canno undone it.You need to forgive yourself .

 

I think you should try to keep in touch from now on as regularly as possible to check on her.You were probably in shock (in tears on the phone).Now take a deep breathe and then when you feel calmer,you can try to talk to her ,(email how you feel might be a possibility)explaining her and offering ear/shoulder whenever she needs it.

 

Is it possible to visit her ?(That would be better IF so)

 

"" I should have put out a Google alert for him name / obit or something but hindsight is 20/20"

 

Shouda,wouda ,couda:It's the past and you cannot edit it or change now focus on the "I will" and I am pretty sure ,it will be alright.I just hope she will understand.Clearly you are sorry and wanna make it rght but don't think of what you could have done or should have done because it's gonna hurt you more and make you feel worse and that energy,you will carry around and is gonna prevent you from focusing on what you need to do right and in a positive manner.

 

But relax and forgive yourself because you just acted the best way you knew how,because we have flaws and we don't plan everything right,because you are trying at least to right a wrong,because you should know that you are in the right path and as Maya Angelou used to say "When you know better,you do better".

[cerridwen]

Forgive yourself and resist the urge to entertain regrets.

 

It sucks this happened but honestly, with the way our lives can suddenly accelerate, and people being (sadly) reliant on FB to spread important news, it's not difficult to see how it occurred.

 

Follow up with another call soon.

 

Make a donation to a charity in his honor.

 

And be patient with your friend's anger. I can't help but think it's partially fueled by the strong emotions of losing her father.

If you can let the dust settle a bit, and some of the mourning pass, she'll likely come around and let the anger go.

 

In the meantime, check in with her regularly and find out if she needs anything.

[preraph]

Donnivain,

 

Truly, if she's a friend and she wanted you to know her dad passed away because she might need moral support or for you to say goodbye or whatever reason, it's on her to let you know. You're not psychic. Facebook is not the place to post obits. No one is obligated to check it every day in case something happens like that. You certainly cannot be expected to check the paper every day for obits once you know someone is sick. This is truly on her. You're supposed to have more extended family notify people who should be at the funeral or pay respects by telephone or maybe email, but only if you make sure they got it. She can't be mad about this. If she wanted you to know, she'd have told you and not only that, but kept you in the loop leading up to.

[d0nnivain]

After the shock wore off, I realized why I was out of touch at the time. I was in the ICU because a woman who was like a mother to me was dying. She passed two days after the services for my friend's dad. A few days after I recovered from the shock of that, DH & I boarded a plane & flew 1/2 way across the country to his step-grandfather's funeral.

 

Really, had I known, about her dad, I would have been there.

 

My relationship with this woman is not that long standing. We have only known each other for about 10 years (in my world that is a short, new friendship). For a period in the middle we spoke weekly because we served on a board trustees together. In the past several years, our contact, other than FB, dwindled to maybe quarterly, if that.

 

Thanks to everyone who reminded me I'm not obligated to be omniscient. The hindsight about the Google alert came to me as I wrote the original post yesterday & I will kick myself for a while for not thinking of it sooner.