Funaholic Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Hi, I'm pretty new to this so please bear with me... Also, this is a long story (apologies in advance, maybe grab a cuppa before settling in, and thank you in advance if you make it all the way to the end). My partner of 9 months and I have discussed polyamory. He has experience, I do not. We are massage therapists and we were friends for months before getting together, and entering into this relationship was a very well-discussed and considered action as we didn't want to risk losing what was already an amazing friendship. When we started officially going out, he was seeing 3 others and within a couple of weeks 2 of those other relationships ended naturally, the third he had seen only a couple of times and that one continued until the start of June. When we got together I communicated to him that I felt the ideal way for me to enter into poly would be to start monogamous, build a solid foundation within our relationship, then open it up after a while. I suggested six or so months. He wasn't interested in doing that as he was already seeing others, and even when two of the three finished he still wasn't interested. I was meeting plenty of guys who were interested to date me, however I couldn't find someone who would 'fit' with us - we are both very STI aware and other partners would have to be interested in being poly-monogamous with us so that there is no risk (my partner has some health concerns that make this necessary). At the end of May I communicated to my SO that poly wasn't working for me, but that I understood it was working for him (he had two girlfriends both monogamous to him) and that I would hang in there for as long as I could but when he would spend time with his other girlfriend I felt left out. He broke up with the other girlfriend even though I asked him repeatedly not to. I didn't want to be the cause of a break up for no reason. I have since found out they were having problems, but I didn't know, so the break up was coming anyway. He insisted he went monogamous to me for 6 months or so, then we start talking about opening up. I was skeptical at first, but after a few weeks I settled into it and we were thriving Five weeks after going monogamous, he got 'hot and heavy' with his 'best female friend' who knew about the monogamy, who is also a massage therapist and who is also a good friend of mine. Whilst she was giving him a massage they shared a passionate kiss and then stopped, and then he asked her to go poly with him. She stopped him and asked if he'd discussed this with me, he said no, she said it's not right and that he needed to speak with me first, but he kept pushing the topic so they talked about it. He stayed 2 nights at her place, and both nights they shared a bed - which I had no problem with, just to put that out there. I asked him on the second evening what the sleeping arrangements were, he said "there are plenty of beds". That was lie number one. He came back and told me what had happened, and I felt very hurt and betrayed. I asked him to show me how they kissed, he gave me a bit more than a peck on the lips, but nothing as passionate as I expected, and I was ok with that. We discussed everything in depth, and I told him the only unselfish thing for me to do would be to share him (with her), so I left the decision up to him. During the course of the next two weeks, he discussed remaining monogamous with me and staying that way and for all intents and purposes that's what I believed we were doing, but what he was communicating with her was something a bit different - she wanted to speak with me about what happened and discuss the option for the two of them going poly, and also maybe including me as she has feelings for me as well. He was encouraging her to speak openly and honestly to me about it - about going poly, even tho he was saying to me he was going to be mono with me. They speak and or message each other every day, so he knew what she wanted to talk to me about. They met up one time before coming back to our place and I asked him to be completely honest with her about everything we've discussed, and told him I have nothing to hide from her. He didn't say anything to her He just kept telling her to speak openly and honestly with me. He and I had, after a week, got ourselves back on track and everything was rosy, I'd forgiven him for the kiss and talking to her before talking to me. Another week later (so almost 2 weeks after the 'act') she came around whilst he was away and started to talk to me about what happened, to which I simply said to her "yes I felt a bit hurt and betrayed, seeing as you knew we were monogamous, but I managed to get past that but I'd really like you to learn from this and not do something like that again to anyone else". She then spoke about going poly with him, right now. To say I was shocked would be an understatement! So I asked her to show me how they kissed. She kissed me quite passionately. That was lie number 2. I was even more shocked. She felt as though she has been played by him, I just feel very hurt and betrayed by both. I've been pretty good at communicating what I feel will help me get past all this, but I don't feel like I am being heard. I asked that they not share a bed, and that they not share massages or attend massage classes together. They have shared a bed since, albeit out of necessity, but he didn't give me a heads-up at all, only told me afterwards. They have had a small massage thing (shoulders fully clothed) and they were due to attend a massage course she had a 3-day course and needed him for the first day, he's now extended to all 3 days and last night just told me that that he was going to do it. I had a candid discussion with her a month ago stating what would hurt me, and she asked that if she comes over that we not discuss anything to do with massaging him (she came over just after I'd massaged him and I hadn't had a chance to clear up the items or put the table away) so I feel as though she's encouraging him to do the things that hurt me - or at least that's how it feels. I got upset and quickly ended the call so that I could deal with the hurt on my own, and he pushed asking what upset me. I replied I'd prefer not to talk about it and he responded with Ok, if you do want to talk just let me know" so I started communicating with him and asking why. He's now also asked for a time-out as he's away for another week (been away a week already) which I don't agree is the right thing to do... So, I guess what I'd like to know is, am I right to feel hurt by all this? It's been just shy of 2 months since the kiss and poly chat happened, and 6 weeks since everything came out through her talking with me about wanting to go poly with him. I feel as though I'm communicating with him (and her) about what will hurt me at the moment, and yet he's not really taking it on board. He says I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions and I can only feel how I want to feel, which I do agree with, but I know I need some time to get past this and deal with it and therefore have told him what would hurt me, and I don't feel as though he cares because he has gone to the massage course with her, not for the one day which he already knew I was struggling with, but for all three days. Am I being unreasonable? I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.... thank you.
longjohn Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Here's an idea.. get out of that screwed up situation and find yourself a man that wants to be with you and only you not you and every other woman he can stick his d*ck in. I apologize I can't for the life of me understand swingers, polys, gangbangers or anything else being an actual serious relationship that works. There are too many moving parts (LOL) and too much going on. In the end it seems these things for many (not all I'm sure)end up with someone getting shafted (no pun intended) or the raw end of the deal. Why stay and get hurt or relive the hurt you feel from this?
Yookie Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I think you are being unreasonable with yourself. Stop splitting hairs and just admit to yourself that the poly thing is not for you and find a man that can be mono 100% of the time. This man doesn't want a real relationship which is why he can lie so easily and completely dismiss your feelings. He just wants to add you to his rotation.
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