Stsm5934 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Hi, A short history of my ex, he disappeared after 5 months of being in a relationship (this happened a month ago). I found out yesterday he was seeing someone new when he disappeared. I have been contemplating contacting her. I have no idea how long he was seeing her, if she knows about me, or anything else as he was never responded to me since going a-wol. It actually has made it much easier for me to let go of the relationship, knowing what really happened. This guy played such a good game, that I was convinced it was my fault he disappeared and apologized in texts/messages multiple times. Anyway, there were basically all these red flags that I dismissed during the relationship and really wish I would have listened to myself about. I feel like I tried to be pretty neutral in what I'd like to write her, and simply say "here was my experience, yours might be different, but here's the warning I wish I had". Here it is: I'm Ryan's ex-girlfriend. When we dated he presented himself as a gentleman and honest person who cared a lot about me/our relationship. He lived at my apartment for two weeks before going home to visit family in July. Then at the end of July he up and disappeared, as in out of the blue stopped returning phone calls and texts. Relationships don't work out sometimes and I can even understand that sometimes you just happen to meet someone new that fits into your life better, but the way he handled it was pretty horrible and says a lot about his character. I’ll never really know what happened (and it doesn’t matter), but it seems clear he was looking elsewhere/cheating by the point he stopped responding to me. I recently found out he did the same thing to his ex before me (and lied about it). Honestly, homeboy had me so completely duped and buying his stories that when he disappeared I told family/friends it wasn’t possible he was cheating or seeing someone else because he wasn’t that kind of person. So, maybe you know all this and chose to get involved with him anyway. Your circumstances may be different and your relationship is your own. But just in case your anything like me, I thought it was the right thing to give you a heads up. I wish someone had warned me about what kind of person I was getting involved with back in March. I might not have ended our relationship, but I would have paid a lot more attention to all the little signs that this guy has very little respect for women he dates (as he’ll tell you, all his ex’s are “crazy” and completely to blame for the demise of his previous relationships; RED FLAG). He used me for a place to stay, someone to have sex with and offer emotional support when he needed it, and as soon as it became inconvenient he disappeared with not so much as an explanation. It’s a terrifying thought and lesson to me that men like Ryan exist. ...thoughts?
CarrieT Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Don't do it. You have no idea the history of their relationship and their experience might be very different. You WILL come across as looking crazy, even though you believe otherwise. 2
Zahara Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Don't. She's going to show him the letter, she'll ask him questions, he'll put his own spin on things and they will both look at you as the bitter and crazy ex. who wants to spoil things for the both of them. I know you are hurt and you want revenge, but it will backfire. Stay out of his life. Feel blessed that it was short relationship and you dodged a bullet.
Keepsake Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 No - DO NOT DO IT.... What do you think it will accomplish? He's gone out of your life and you should be happy about that, your dodged a bullet. No GOOD can come of contacting her.
CarrieT Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I will add that I did this with my last Ex (the one that brought me to LS all those years ago). While I was in the process of moving out, my Ex starting bringing around this other girl. We chatted a bit and I warned her. She looked at me with disgust and told me to mind my own business; what they had was different, etc. I even gave her my card and told her she could call me when/if their relationship ended. She threw my card away but I'm sure she inwardly commiserated.
Author Stsm5934 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Alright, I won't send it, but I just feel like it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for women to look out for one another a little bit more in these types of situations. As someone who was once unknowingly involved with a guy who had been in a relationship when we got involved, I wish I had known. I don't date men that treat women that way. Your right, I don't have any idea of their relationship, maybe she knows about everything (which I acknowledge in the letter). I guess I just feel like it's horrible that there are men out there that have so little respect for women they play these kind of games. This guy rocked my self-confidence and value, and I thought it was MY fault! I feel like a lot of times women don't call men out on this or let the other women know what they're getting into because they don't want to seem "crazy". But if I had been given the heads up (like I say in the letter), I would paid closer attention to his actions and been more guarded with my heart.
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I agree with everybody else. Don't do it as it opens a can of worms...You don't know him well, so if you mess in his life (reach out to his new girlfriend) be sure he will mess in your life! He's moved on and it's best for you now to forget all about him and close the door completely relating anything to do with him (or her). Don't stalk him online, social media etc..All that does is keep your mindset thinking about him and he's not worthy of being in your head!
Ronni_W Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Alright, I won't send it, but I just feel like it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for women to look out for one another a little bit more in these types of situations. Actually, that's along the lines of what I was thinking. But it does take a lot of courage and you must absolutely be willing to be labelled "crazy", "bitter" and worse, and be ridiculed and made fun of by her, him and all their real-life and FB/twitter/instagram friends. If you feel strongly enough about it - and it really is an honourable motive - then say that at the top of your letter. "I know I am doing this at risk of being labelled <whatever> but I can live with that. It's if I do nothing at all to uphold my own sense of <whatever> that I can't live with. At the end of the day, I am doing this for me: so that I can live better with myself, and to stand by my value of 'being for others what I would like them to be for me'." (Something like that.)
Author Stsm5934 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 I'm not too worried about being labeled crazy, we don't have the same friends and it appears that his family trip to Kentucky (way different part of the country that I live in) was actually a semi-permanet move, plus he really doesn't have many friends to label me crazy. Plus given his past behavior, I'm sure I was labeled crazy the second he started ditching my calls. I don't have any social media accounts, and would actually have to send this through a friend's facebook, so that also isn't a concern. Also, obviously I don't know this girl, but from what I can see she seems to be involved in NPO's, political activism, and other indications of being a moral human being. I feel like it is very possible that she has no idea what this guy involved her in. I'm really not a vengeful person, and what I want to say is coming from a place of love for myself and another person that might be in a very similar situation to what I was.
Zahara Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 But if I had been given the heads up (like I say in the letter), I would paid closer attention to his actions and been more guarded with my heart. Anyway, there were basically all these red flags that I dismissed during the relationship and really wish I would have listened to myself about. Contradictory.
Author Stsm5934 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 I dismissed red flag because I thought maybe I was over reacting. I only found out about his cheating on the other ex this last week. If I had had some of the background I feel like I would have taken those intuitions more to heart and really thought about why I was having those feelings. Does that make sense? I don't think/didn't mean to make those statements are contradictory.
Zahara Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Yes, that makes sense. You worded it to make it seem that throughout the 5 months you were together, there were red flags that you ignored. It seems that the red flag was towards the end when you felt him distancing himself? Do you have proof that he was seeing another woman while he was with you? Be really sure of your proof and aware of the repercussions before you blow this up.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 This entire thread makes you look pretty insecure and crazy, so I can only imagine what this will make you look like to her and your ex. In fact, You'll probably will make their relationship better. Worst idea in the world. Dont send it 2
lauri Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Any girl who got an email / letter from an ex girlfriend would become defensive and more likely to want to prove you wrong. She will probably think you have other motives like this: "You're just coming here to break us up so you can get him back." Anything you send will make you look crazy and insecure. It is none of your business...for all you know she knew you two were together and went after your ex boyfriend anyways.
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 You are not looking out for another woman. You are trying to put the spotlight back on you & hurt him for hurting you. Stay out of it. His true colors will most likely come out. 2
Author Stsm5934 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 This entire thread makes you look pretty insecure and crazy, so I can only imagine what this will make you look like to her and your ex. In fact, You'll probably will make their relationship better. Worst idea in the world. Dont send it Hey I'm going to call you out here. Calling me insecure/crazy is neither helpful nor accurate. I definitely felt both of those emotions when all this started, but after realizing what he was doing, I realize that what happened had NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with him. Also ascribing my intentions ("I'm trying to turn the spotlight back to me") isn't all that helpful either. You don't live in my head, so when I say that the place I'm coming from is wanting to give the warning I would like, your going to have to trust that. It does me no good to lie about what I'm feeling. Do I think he deserves to have to deal with the consequences of his actions? For sure. Do I think I'm the person that's going to bring that about through my actions? Absolutely not...as mentioned, his true colors will inevitably catch up with him and that's when he'll deal with those consequences. I really do just keep returning to the idea that I wish I had known the truth about his past. HOWEVER I know that this experience has taught me a really important lesson about making careful choices about the people you bring into your life. And I know that people usually need to live these lessons to learn them, and that's what will happen to this girl. Plus whatever good I think it might do her, my focus should be on just be on myself and doing good for myself. I appreciate the advice, I'm not going to send the message. It isn't really going to make a difference in my life one way or another. ...that's the last time I date someone whose dream is to live out of their car and smoke pot all day. #fail 1
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 You posted on a message board & asked for advice. I suppose my analysis was more my opinion -- but that's what it looks like. Good for you if that is not what you are doing but my advise remains the same: don't contact her. Follow your own advice & stop dating someone who lives in their car & smokes pot all day . . .I'll go a step further, stop dating anyone who does anything that is not productive all day.
Zahara Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 (edited) ...that's the last time I date someone whose dream is to live out of their car and smoke pot all day. #fail So, there were already red flags slapping you silly when you began this relationship. It wasn't just about the red flag -- him distancing/cheating at the end. Going back to what I said -- your justification that you want to save women (letter) so that you can help them avoid bad situations because you would have guarded your heart from guys like your ex if you were granted the same (letter) is -- contradictory. Edited September 4, 2014 by Zahara
Author Stsm5934 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 I think we're just having a linguistic difference. All I'm trying to say is that I think (and maybe I'm wrong, I'll never know) that if I had had some outside confirmation that he was an insincere/dishonest person, I would not have excused so much of the BS by devaluing my concerns. I just got really caught up in the relationship and lost my perspective, but it's something I won't do any again and I learned a hard lesson from.
Zahara Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 (edited) I just got really caught up in the relationship and lost my perspective, but it's something I won't do any again and I learned a hard lesson from. Bingo. Just like you, she's probably caught up with him and will find no perspective in your letter and just like you, she's going to follow what she feels, not what she knows. I think you really need to be honest with yourself in terms of your motives. Edited September 5, 2014 by Zahara
bntcrkfrm Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 Hi, Your situation sounds exactly like mine. Although I never had the desire to contact her new guy as I knew it would be shortlived. And I was right. Breakup with me happened 6 months ago, same scenario as yours and now she has started throwing me breadcrumbs. I fell for them and now she has turned cold again. Ive never posted my story here but have definitely gotten lots of great advice....If I had only listened and stuck to it. My advice is don't contact the other girl, she will find out soon enough on her own and when he does come around (99% chance he will) DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT!!!
Author Stsm5934 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 I respect that other people might have different motives for being in this kind of situation, but I really was trying to come from a neutral and helpful place. The whole idea came up in a conversation with my roommate, based on a discussion of how women at times don't treat one another with the sense of community, respect and understanding that would really benefit one another. We're both pretty keen on woman uniting and do work with a women's organization. In an ideal world, with two adult women who are confident and value themselves, an exchange of information on a manipulative and dishonest male, could only benefit the at risk party. Of course, this world isn't ideal and that's why it doesn't work. For argument's sake, consider this: It's possible that there isn't some inherent ulterior motive in every woman that wishes to give a heads up to a person that may have unknowingly been brought into a cheater's cheat cycle. I'm just considering this whole idea/action for a more theoretical position now, as I have no intention of sending a message.
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