Dealing with a breakup after 15 years

[swl_me]

So here's the basic story.

I was together with and living with the same person for 15 years. We had previously had one on/off, but were very young. This relationship has been my whole adult life.

 

As far as I was aware it was happy, loving, mutually supportive. We did a lot together, had a lot of things in common, and talked about most things. We were one of those couples everyone else looks to as solid, and not a single person has expressed anything but complete shock at this.

In the past two years it changed a little - she would sometimes get very angry at me when she'd had a drink, but wouldn't say why. I would sometimes ask her to stay home so we could spend time together when she wanted to go out, and she mentioned this being a problem, but not in a serious way.

 

About 2 months ago it rapidly went downhill from being what I thought was pretty good, to hideous. She lied to me about being out one night, and I got angry - not because she went out, but because she lied. We talked about it, both promised to change, and I thought it was resolved. It was a pretty horrid fight.

Fast forward a few weeks, and she again lied to me about who she was out with. Again, we talked - not an argument, but we talked. Four days later it happened again.

I was mentally prepared for a breakup by the time I got home, but it didn't happen. She offered a reasonable explanation, I accepted it. I asked her if she wanted to work on us, and she said yes, she thought so, and wanted to stay together. Throughout the fights all she would say was that she didn't want us to end and wouldn't be the one to end us.

 

In the week that followed, I did everything I could to make things better. She did as little as possible. She grew more cold and distant, and refused to talk at all. Eventually, I sat her down, and very calmly asked what was going on.

 

Then came the bombshell. After 15 years, the way she broke up with me was by saying 'I can't do this anymore', and saying we would never be back together, and that I had to let her go.

 

That was the only answer I got. Eventually after a week a friend told her she needed to give me answers, so she sent an email full of 'we've grown into different people and want and need different things', 'there's no one reason people fall out of love', 'I will always love you but not in the way I need to', 'you deserve someone who loves you the way you need to be loved'.

 

I left the house to stay with a friend. That was a month ago. I have seen her once since when I had to stop by to get things. We had a drink. It was awkward. We only spoke of work.

 

She's seen a mutual friend since, and talked a lot about me, but in the way that she was very done, felt relief, like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. However this friend also said she was a bit of a mess kept getting angry, and cried. She also said she had been unhappy on and off for 7 years, though there were happy times, and that eventually we hit a patch that wasn't good and she thought it would resolve but it didn't.

 

I am an absolute mess. All I can focus on is the good parts of what we had - never mind that she has essentially treated me like dirt and just walked out without a second glance, and has not instigated any contact since - all I want is what we had back. She never bothered to talk to me or tell me she was unhappy or had doubts, and from the way things were I cannot for a second believe that was longer than the last year at most. Her initial answer to me was that she'd been unhappy for less than a year. I literally had no idea.

 

I know I need to move on, and I'm trying so hard. I have to find a place, and move out, and try to get on with life, but I feel so paralyzed. How do I get through this?

 

I just want her back. I am angry that 15 years can be broken like this, as if it was 2 months.

[lonewalker]

U can never understand a women.

 

Give her the time and space. If she really loves you. She will come back.

[AltiumV]

its really sad to hear stories like these my ex was almost similar however ours was 3 years, she constantly complained and then cheated on me.... had no emotion or empathy was actually rejoiced over the breakup and it came out of nowhere, it seems that some girls who lack communication can not express themselves they bottle the issues/problems of the relationship for a certain amount of time, they then emotionally disconnect themselves from the relationship and then put the dagger in the back. i honestly thought my ex was the one etc.... but as i was falling more in love she was falling out of love its a really sad world out there and ill never understand it.

 

i hope everything works out buddy ill keep an eye on this thread, make a post when you want to express yourself, my thoughts may not be good because you have lasted 3x longer in a relationship the i have but keep strong mate!

[swl_me]

I think you're right there. Some people just don't know how to communicate that they're not happy so it can be worked on. She pretended she was happy until there was no feeling left, and then she was done, and I was completely clueless.

I'm trying to work on me and put her to the back of my mind, but it's very hard when I still love her, and we haven't even properly separated yet. All I'm trying to focus on is getting my own place so I can have some space.

[FailedFirstLove]

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how much pain you are going through.

I don't know how someone can walk away from15 years like that.

It really hurts. I'm glad your trying your best to focus on yourself.

Come here and talk about it when your struggling but you seem like a strong person. I wish I was strong

[swl_me]

Thank you. I'm not strong at all and I'm guessing that was part of the reason she left. I did get clingy, and jealous, and all those things.

But the way I see it, what else can I do right now? She doesn't want me, so I need to look out for me because nobody else will. I thought I had someone who had my back through everything, and learning that you don't forces you to try to be strong even if you aren't.

I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was the first day in a month that I didn't cry. Today is harder as I am travelling and found myself 20 feet from where we first laid eyes on eachother, first touched, first kissed. So today is a bad day.