robertasmith Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Hey everyone, sorry this is a long post but I would REALLY appreciate the help of you wise readers… I need it. I’ve been on and off in a relationship with a guy for 9 months now, we have broken up 4 times, and while I’ve said that I want to break up he is the one who actually followed through every single time, coming back to me saying it was only due to his own inability to handle his anxiety and fear. If it was a mistake or not for me to come back, its really beyond question, it has become so unhealthy I now know this has to stop but I’ve also had a hard time struggling. While he is the ultimate yogi, even becoming a teacher, believes in peaceful awareness etc, and he has beautiful moments of being nice and kind, he has also proven to be very passive aggressive, jealous and controlling. Please correct me if my impressions about him are wrong: The situation is the following, We got back together 2 weeks ago but we’ve had glitches until he finally hurt me again. We had some fights in the middle between yesterday and the day before, so yesterday we woke up feeling tired and sad and started talking about us. He wasn’t being very flexible or anything and I just started crying, I’m normally very explosive and while I’ve made a big effort to be calm, he still uses that against me in every situation, or at least it seems to me he doesn’t take responsibility and projects everything on me. I guess yesterday he felt sorry or uncomfortable so he tried to get closer and hugged me saying he didn’t know what to do anymore and saying that he wasn’t the person for me AGAIN (taking into account he has begged me to stay and said he wanted to marry me every single time we got back together and while these few days I was being very cautious he insisted on us trying again). He had an appointment at noon so as it was getting late and we went to take a shower, I followed and he insisted on us taking a shower together. It was the most intimate moment, he kissed me and hugged me and we stayed for hours under the water just hugging until he started touching me, I thought it was not the moment but he insisted again and I gave in since we’ve always felt a very sweet connection in sex. When we got out of the shower he asked me “OK so what are we gonna do about us?” I was shocked since I thought he was not considering breaking up and he said “Well hey, I still feel the same way I just got carried away, we feel very attracted to each other and its obvious that while having been together for so long we would succumb but this shouldn’t happen while feelings are so clouded” And of course it shouldn’t! I stopped him and he insisted, to which he replied “Oh yea, well, sorry about that, it was a mistake because I still wanted to break up with you”. I said wow, I think this is the most horrible thing that you’ve done to me so far, and he says: “Please, it takes two to have sex”. The only thing I could reply was “Well I really hope one day you can feel what you’re making me feel right now”. He replied with a pat on my back saying “Oh no dear, it won’t, because I’m not like you”. I was just shocked sobbing, am I over reacting with the sex thing? Is he as arrogant as I think he is? He claims I don’t make him feel loved and appreciated, that it’s not ego or arrogance but him realizing he just can’t make me happy, but can you believe that from a man who treats me like this? I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA ANYMORE. Im VERY CONFUSED. It didn’t stop there, as he really had to go he said “My only offer for you is to take a couple of days off and see if this is really what you want, or just not talk anymore, it depends on you, take it or leave it” I was so overwhelmed I answered you know what? Just go. “OKAY, but don’t come telling me I’m being rude to you because I’m leaving”… Is this abuse? I think I hate him. I think I know it is abuse but I’ve started to lose myself so much in this I don’t know how to defend myself anymore. Especially since he says my anger is horrible and my temper is out of proportion and I react so horribly that I just barely react anymore. He still has some books of mine, his car is parked in front of my house and I don’t know if I should ask him to leave my stuff in my house or actually see him when he comes. That would give him the pleasure of thinking I want to talk to him or that I’m still interested in him. I just feel like I need to face him, but truth is Im scared of the situation, of breaking up, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been so hurt or because I’m so angry but scared of showing it poorly that I feel like just running away, I’m so scared of the way his ego makes me feel that I feel like just leaving it at that, but I know it won’t do me any good and I need my dignity back. I just no longer know how to react, I feel like I’m gonna be a coward or that I won’t be able to say the proper things or have the right attitude, any thoughts on the whole situation or how to deal with this? Also, why do I care if he then finds love with someone else and its actually healthy and keeps thinking it was just me he couldn’t deal with? I know it’s stupid but it would hurt so much that someone else saw in him everything I thought he was but can’t be for me? Thank you for your time.
Zahara Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Abuse or not, is this type or man/relationship you want to be in? An ending every two months. A partner/relationship is supposed to nurture and support you. It's not supposed to make you feel used and abused. You teach people how to treat you. You essentially have taught him that with every ending, you will always be available, and with that a sign of weakness and dependence on him that he will by all means manipulate. Tell him to leave your books at your doorstep and shut the door, to him ever possibly getting into your life again. There is no other way to sever the attachment. There is no need to face him because let's be honest, you're emotionally fragile and any sort of engaging with a manipulator will probably break you down again. And he's not going to be Partner or the Year with the next woman. He is patterned to be who he is and will most likely do a repeat performance at some point with the next woman. If you identify your own issues in the relationship, maybe this is the kicker -- time for you to focus on you rather than engaging in situations that only enable and ingnite what you're trying to change. 1
Zahara Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/443248-should-i-offended-beauty-standards Is this the same clown? OP, something has to be said about your self-esteem. It doesn't help that you jumped on this fool right after a 4 year break-up.
Author robertasmith Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 (edited) Zahara, no, he is not the same one. This is another guy and it was clearly too soon to have a relationship. I guess I do have self esteem issues. I guess its also that Im really bad at recognizing when things just don't work out or feeling I was the cause of a failed relationship. Thank you for you insight, you're right. Edited September 4, 2014 by robertasmith
Zahara Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Zahara, no, he is not the same one. This is another guy and it was clearly too soon to have a relationship. I guess I do have self esteem issues. I guess its also that Im really bad at recognizing when things just don't work out or feeling I was the cause of a failed relationship. Thank you for you insight, you're right. Read up on co-dependency. See if it relates to you. Bottom line -- you need to stay away from this man. He doesn't add to your life, he takes away from it.
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