cristalina Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I actually do not understand this mentality. It should be a lot more natural than that. And honestly, you really can't know a person for a while and having sex by the third date seems strange to me. I get that people do that, but setting some kind of schedule/time limit will come across as planned and forced and probably freak her out. And to be quite honest, if she's worth a real relationship then she's worth waiting a little bit for. - Cris 2
pteromom Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I guess I just need to take it slow, but it just seems like I shouldn't have too since so many others don't seem like they do. I'm sure it is just my pathetic lack of experience restricting me though You need to drop this whole way of thinking or you are going to end up freaking her out and she'll run away. She's a person, with her own "expectations" and perceptions. She isn't your prize for waiting so long. She may be someone who waits a month before sex. She may be someone who only wants sex once she starts getting some real feelings for you. You just don't know. If the 2nd date goes well, don't invite her back to your house for the third. Maybe let HER choose the place and see what she does. Keep getting to know her as a person. Don't try to push the first few kisses toward making out or sex - let them be sweet and romantic. Make sure you aren't just moving forward physically, but that you are learning who she is, and building up the friendship part too. Lastly don't compare yourself to your friend who has bedded three women recently. If you are trying to build a relationship with this girl, your goals are different than his.
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 You need to drop this whole way of thinking or you are going to end up freaking her out and she'll run away. She's a person, with her own "expectations" and perceptions. She isn't your prize for waiting so long. She may be someone who waits a month before sex. She may be someone who only wants sex once she starts getting some real feelings for you. You just don't know. If the 2nd date goes well, don't invite her back to your house for the third. Maybe let HER choose the place and see what she does. Keep getting to know her as a person. Don't try to push the first few kisses toward making out or sex - let them be sweet and romantic. Make sure you aren't just moving forward physically, but that you are learning who she is, and building up the friendship part too. Lastly don't compare yourself to your friend who has bedded three women recently. If you are trying to build a relationship with this girl, your goals are different than his. Good thinking there. I shouldn't compare myself to others, but sometimes it's hard not to. My friend is in a totally different situation anyways. He was with a girl for like 7 years and recently broke up. He doesn't want a relationship now and just wants the fun/sex. I actually want a GF, so your right, totally different. I also like the idea of asking her to choose the third date since I chose the first two anyways; her decision should be an indicator of her readiness hopefully. Changing all my personal ways in order to get a girl this year has been by far the toughest endeavor I've ever faced. However, I really think all this effort is going to be worth it as I have already had some good fun with it and am getting closer to success each day Thanks again 1
MissBee Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 (edited) The time for sex for me is after we've decided we want to be exclusive or at MINIMUM when I am comfortable enough and trust you and I want to. Often that takes more than 3 dates and it isn't some hard and fast rule where 3 is a magic number that makes me want sex. It totally depends on how I feel and how things are progressing, and with some people things feel natural and I feel ready more quickly than with others. But for me personally, I take time to know a man a bit and see where his head is at and see him be consistent and express interest in me as a person and wanting a relationship before I complicate it with sex. I have no idea where this sex on the 3rd date thing comes from but for me that's not any rule I follow and would hope a man wouldn't be following such "rules." Allow things to develop in a more organic way instead of expecting it to work on a strict time frame. Edited September 4, 2014 by MissBee
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I have "heard" that but mostly on TV with a few people discussing it on LS. If a guy tried for sex on a 3rd date & did not immediately back off when I said No, there wouldn't be a 4th date. If he didn't initiate a 4th date after my postponement, I would say "good riddance". I always tried to stick to a 12 date rule which forced the relationship to run over some time . . . at least 2 months before being intimate. But I have broken my own rule & made up "exceptions" like flowers count as a date & holidays count twice if I really liked him. lol It's got to be when both people feel the connection & are ready for it. Since this is a new area for you, 3rd date is way too soon. Take the pressure off yourself. Be prepared but have no expectations & stop counting.
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Yea, that whole "connection" thing is tough to find, but since I'm open for anything these days, I'm doing what I can to be an easy guy to "connect" with, lol. So far in my dating efforts, I haven't got that "instant connection" feeling with anyone, but I'm beginning to think that a connection can actually be built up instead of instant. The greatest feeling I've had so far is when my last date actually accepted the second date. It took like ten first dates to even get this one second date, so I felt pretty good about that anyways. I just hope it goes through as online dating people can be finicky as you all know. Thanks
todreaminblue Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 going with the flow normally means to make my date feel as comfortable as possible ...easy open interaction and conversation, no set expectations or judgements and just enjoying the time spent together.....so if there are moments of silence which there hardly ever is, they are enjoyable silences...just breathers.....and enjoying physical closeness.........a prep thing for further intimacy...i am a bit weird this way ...i have to physically prepare myself to get close to a guy......because i have issues....most women probably wouldnt have to...its why i feel uncomfortable if groping or too much intimacy is initiated too early on ...i have to sort of prepare my body and not feel pressured or on a tiem limit of should i or shouldnt i.....or it will turn me off..... plan one date at a time and try not to go into dates with the plans of the next one happening before the date ends,something may get said or done on that date that will inspire the next dates plans...you are limiting yourself by planning too far ...you just met this girl and the emphasis should be on getting to know her better first before being or attempting any kind of intimacy...........shows of affection are fine if you follow the see how it flows ideal.....when it happens it happens shouldn't be planned for and you will know when the moment is right.....deb
Tayken Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Yea, that whole "connection" thing is tough to find, but since I'm open for anything these days, I'm doing what I can to be an easy guy to "connect" with, lol. Keep doing that...you will be surprised at how lucky you can get at times, some are willing to give it up on the first date. So depends on how you play your cards really. A few women have told me that they don't usually sleep with someone until the 3rd date, so this must be what they all tell each other...but rules are meant to be broken if you step up your charm
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Even "instant" connections which are really superficial can get stronger over time. You will get there.
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I always tried to stick to a 12 date rule which forced the relationship to run over some time . . . at least 2 months before being intimate. But I have broken my own rule & made up "exceptions" like flowers count as a date & holidays count twice if I really liked him. lol I like this... I can always tell when I really like somebody because I DON'T want to sleep with them lol. If someone is just FWB material, i.e. they're attractive enough and decent people and I know them well enough I will have casual sex happily. But if I meet somebody new and I honestly like them I want to string it out and get to know them first. Main reason is because if I like somebody and it doesn't work out, I think I'll be able to get past it a lot easier if we never got intimate. If I also have those memories of intimacy and even feel 'used' then it would be a lot harder to move on. Most people seem to have sex really quickly because guys are always surprised when I turn them down to come back to mine after a date or ask them to leave when they get tired and yawn rather than invite them to stay over. 1
BluEyeL Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I don't have any specific rules in terms of number of dates or months about when sex should happen. I'm looking for a serious relationship, I prefer with marriage for some personal reasons. I'll have sex when we both know that we are in a committed exclusive relationship. That usually doesn't happen by date three so.... Whenever it's time. I've been dating someone for a little over 2 months now and we haven't had sex yet. Whenever it's time, we'll know.
sagamore Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I find this topic so interesting! (Interesting enough that this is my first ever post.) I'm a woman who almost always had sex on the first date if I wanted to date the guy. I'm very into sex, and I always knew right away who I liked and who I didn't. Most guys I went out with got one date and nothing. But if I liked you...we were going home that night. And all of my meaningful long term relationships, including my marriage, started that way. Just wanted to give a counterpoint to the examples offered here by other women. In any event, the most important thing is reading the woman you're with. She'll let you know what she likes, and what she wants! Have fun. And yes, do be safe. Have you stocked up on condoms yet? Always a good idea.
isisisweeping Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I love sex. I'd have it at least every day - multiple times a day if possible- for the rest of my life if I could have the choice. But I'm at this point in my life (30) sleeping with a guy I only knew for three dates. I don't think there's anything wrong with that But sex is just no fun without the connection and if a guy pushed artificially for sex so soon I would run and hide.
ThorntonMelon Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Isn't the whole point of dating to try to get a gf/bf? No. The point of dating is to meet people. Its taken me almost 40 years to figure this out. The relationship takes care of itself. Your "strategy" is a control mechanism that will do nothing but guarantee you won't get laid. I realize you're new to dating and as such desire this level of control. I'd say just relax and try and enjoy her company. A second date just means you're both curious to know more. She needs to "impress" you as much as you her. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 I don't know. I've never gotten past date 2. And that was over 3 years ago. I've also never had a girlfriend and I'm on the tale end of my 20s...
Recommended Posts