GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Hey guys, Ok, so just curious, I once heard somewhere that there was some "Golden Rule" of dating that the third date was the expected time for initiating sex. Is this something that women expect a guy to follow? I'm heading toward my first ever second date with a girl and I'm starting to think about this kind of thing a bit. My plan is this: First date- Drinks/Dinner (which went great btw) Second date - Activity Date (small hike or bowling, ect.) Third date - Ask her to my place for a movie/wine and try to make my move Is this a typical plan of action? BTW, this is coming from a 29yo guy that has just entered the dating world for the first time and has never had a GF. Thanks
johnson_j Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Just go with the flow. Having artificial benchmarks is a recipe for disaster. If it feels right, go for it. 4
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 It's far more natural and organic than that. Just let things flow. Some people have sex on the first date, some not until marriage! It's a bit creepy to be honest to actually be planning when you're going to make a move on her, and chances are it'll come across so stilted and awkward if it isn't already flowing that way that she'll freak out. When I'm into a guy I won't have sex with him until we're in an exclusive relationship, it's usually been about five/six dates or a few weeks by the time that talk crops up. Just forget about the sex for now, especially if you're inexperienced. Enjoy her company. Don't be afraid to initiate physical affection though, kissing and snuggling and hand holding if you feel comfortable doing so (I don't feel comfortable holding hands or kissing in public with somebody who I'm not in a relationship with to be honest, but each to their own). 2
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 This is going to sound like a joke but it is one of the few things I have shared personally with guys when out and about when they talk about dating. They look at me and wonder WTF! I don't know about dating... really I never dated a woman to get her. Really, never got to do the out and about things peeps do on dates. In a way I am a wee jealous not knowing how dates go about. It is a bit complicated to describe, but they know me from acquaintances As for the few women I have had in my life they just sort of find me and wham there it is. I kid you not! So if you think of planning forget it, sex just happens. If your lucky to get a date, then plan for the date not the outcome.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 There are no 'rules' to dating that everyone follows or expects. Those who dig up and try to apply these archaic laws are going to find themselves strapped by endless frustration. At most you'll find best practices. Here are mine: - Date only when you feel emotionally stable - Date for your personal enjoyment (assuming that when you are enjoying yourself those around you will too) - Drop all expectations - Drop all judgement Good dating is all about flow. It's not something you learn through study, but through interaction. The mind will not be able to grasp it. More likely what will end up happening is it will just get in the way and confuse things even further. Natural response for a very cerebral person is to think their way out. The hole deepens. You get out of a dating rut by doing, not thinking (i.e. problem solving) Here's a challenge for you: Stop thinking about your upcoming dates. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it each time your thoughts wander in the wrong direction. Best of luck! 1
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Ok, so it sounds unanimous that there are no set rules and going with the flow is the best plan. I mainly wanted to make sure that if I didn't try to advance sexually by the third date that she wouldn't think I didn't like her or something and if I did that it wouldn't put her off. I'm still just trying to wrap my head around all this dating and affection stuff. If I get a good vibe from the second date, and hopefully some kissing for once, I should be able to tell by then I hope whether or not to ask her over for the third. I'm just so new to this stuff it is all kind of tough and I don't want to mess anything up after finally getting a second date for once! Right now, I'm mainly working on trying to show some affection on dates. This last date was the first time I even initiated a hug at the end of the date, which was nice, and this upcoming is my first ever second date with a girl; probably do to it being the first time I ever even attempted something as simple as a hug for physical contact on a date, lol. I'm working on balancing the level of touching without coming off as a jerk or something. I hope to at least achieve a cuddle or kiss on this second date as I'm not going to let any opportunities pass this time. I do feel pretty comfortable around this girl, so that helps. Thanks 1
Gloria25 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I've always been thrown off by a "hug" at the end of a date. To me, a hug means 'I'm not interested in you romantically'...I would expect at least a kiss on the cheek...but, then again, I come from a culture where guys kissing you on the cheek is normal if they are familiar with you. Also, I prefer just drinks or coffee on a first date - and if you two are really clicking, it can extend to a dinner. Cuz, I've been on first dates where the guy spends money on a meal and I'm soooooo not into him and with 'just a drink/coffee' I feel I can get to exit w/o spending my whole evening there and/or feeling guilty he spent money on a dinner with me. Second date? Oh yes, dinner or activity for sure. Also, I DO expect at least a kiss on the lips, cuz if he isn't doing that on a 2nd date, I REALLY think he's not into me. Third, well, that's where I say 'go with the flow'...By then hopefully you two know enough about each other to do something interesting/fun. Now, what is this about you trying to make a move and/or inviting her to your place? Is your intent to "get some" by then? I'm just curious...
mammasita Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 True there aren't any rules, but with that said.....I wouldn't go to your house on a 3rd date because I'd think all you wanted was a piece of ass and would move on to someone who wanted something "real". If you're interested in the girl for just sex, go for it. 6
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 True there aren't any rules, but with that said.....I wouldn't go to your house on a 3rd date because I'd think all you wanted was a piece of ass and would move on to someone who wanted something "real". If you're interested in the girl for just sex, go for it. See this is where I don't understand the standards; why would you think this? For example, if the first couple of dates were awesome and you ask the girl over to your house for a 3rd date and it ended with sex, why would the girl think that was all you wanted from her? If that was the case, the guy would have tried to get her in the sack on the first date, right? So confusing
MidwestUSA Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 See this is where I don't understand the standards; why would you think this? For example, if the first couple of dates were awesome and you ask the girl over to your house for a 3rd date and it ended with sex, why would the girl think that was all you wanted from her? If that was the case, the guy would have tried to get her in the sack on the first date, right? So confusing It's assumed that men will fork out for two dates and wait for the opportunity. Sad, but true. Please don't invite her back to yours on a third date. And if all you've been doing is hugging and pecking, sex shouldn't even be on your radar. Forget everything you've read about that 'third date rule'. Advance with affection that is comfortable for you. Build up some anticipation and suspense. 3
Gloria25 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 See this is where I don't understand the standards; why would you think this? For example, if the first couple of dates were awesome and you ask the girl over to your house for a 3rd date and it ended with sex, why would the girl think that was all you wanted from her? If that was the case, the guy would have tried to get her in the sack on the first date, right? So confusing Well, IMO, no big difference between the timeframe of 1 - 3 dates...And yea, it is well known that guys will hold out for a certain timeframe (usually 1-3 dates) to get booty. Lemme throw you a curve ball...Ok, what do you want from the person you are dating and when do you tell them that? On the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date or after sex took place? I ask that cuz people want different things when dating. I don't believe in the "let's just hang out and see where this goes". Nope, I think people are either looking for commitment (even if it's not with you) or they want company (which means they are just gonna spend time with you till they are ready to move on to something else)...and, some women don't wanna waste their time with some guy who just wants company.
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Ok, maybe I should explain more of what I actually do want. Well, I'm a 29yo virgin, so obviously I do want sex. However, it would really be nice to have a GF to have it with. I would like to have a consistent relationship with a girl that involves sex as well; from my understanding, that is called a girlfriend, is it not?
Gloria25 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Ok, maybe I should explain more of what I actually do want. Well, I'm a 29yo virgin, so obviously I do want sex. However, it would really be nice to have a GF to have it with. I would like to have a consistent relationship with a girl that involves sex as well; from my understanding, that is called a girlfriend, is it not? Yes, it's called a girlfriend...but you just proved my theory - which is, you are not gonna 'just date and see where this goes' (where women get this romantic notion that it's gonna be like the movies where at some point you look at her and she looks at you and you decided she's the woman you were looking for all her life and now it's time for you to propose )....You already KNOW you want sex and companionship at this point in your life. So, IMO, you should be upfront with her...But, ummm, my conflict now lies in whether you tell her upfront or wait for her to ask "where is this going?/what do you want?"
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Ok, so it sounds unanimous that there are no set rules and going with the flow is the best plan. I mainly wanted to make sure that if I didn't try to advance sexually by the third date that she wouldn't think I didn't like her or something and if I did that it wouldn't put her off. I'm still just trying to wrap my head around all this dating and affection stuff Oh, no... with my current and last relationship we didn't kiss until the fourth date. I knew we clearly liked each other or we wouldn't have kept meeting up, plus the fun and light hearted texting in between. It really, really built up the anticipation which was wonderful. I'm 26 and yet I felt all nervous, giggly, shy (I'm NOT shy!) throughout the date we kissed on, and the kissing with both guys was absolutely electric because I had been wondering how it would feel for a couple weeks. It turned me to jelly. That's just me though, some girls would probably presume the guy wasn't into her if he hadn't kissed her by the fourth or fifth date. Personally I would always reject kissing on the first date, it's just too soon and I barely know the guy.
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Yes, it's called a girlfriend...but you just proved my theory - which is, you are not gonna 'just date and see where this goes' (where women get this romantic notion that it's gonna be like the movies where at some point you look at her and she looks at you and you decided she's the woman you were looking for all her life and now it's time for you to propose )....You already KNOW you want sex and companionship at this point in your life. So, IMO, you should be upfront with her...But, ummm, my conflict now lies in whether you tell her upfront or wait for her to ask "where is this going?/what do you want?" Hmm, tell her what? Isn't the whole point of dating to try to get a gf/bf?
somedude81 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 There is no need to rush into sex. Don't even think about it till you've made out with her. Though you should at least kiss her at the end of the third date.
Gloria25 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 (edited) Hmm, tell her what? Isn't the whole point of dating to try to get a gf/bf? I don't know what you or others want from dating....I just believe that either people are looking for companionship or a committed partner. "Getting a gf/bf" to me just sounds like you want company... Cuz seriously, if you are not looking to get married....then what "is" the point of dating? Having company if you ask me. A while back I was watching the "End of Watch" movie and the Hispanic cop was telling Jake G (I can't spell his last name) that he 'just didn't get why Jake was so hung up on this or that with the women he was dating cuz when the Hispanic guy met his wife, they just said 'let's do this, they got married, and are still going after all these years'... And, I feel the same way sometimes. Either you want companionship or you wanna get married...Now, let's say you wanna get married...Well, that doesn't mean that the person you're dating right now (or even after her) is gonna be the one you marry...IMO, it just means that while you are enjoying her company, you're evaluating her to see if she'll be the one you marry. So, if it fades, it's not cuz you are bored and want different company - it's cuz you don't see her as someone you want to be with in the long-term. When you're dating just for company...if you get bored and/or life happens (disagreements, problems, etc.), you are not required to stay there cuz you made up your mind that you do not want to commit to that person. However, if you are married, you made a promise to God, family, and the community that you are with that person - so when life happens (bills, problems, boredom) you have an incentive to work it out (your promise/commitment) Edited September 4, 2014 by Gloria25
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 There is no need to rush into sex. Don't even think about it till you've made out with her. Though you should at least kiss her at the end of the third date. Good point, making out should be first I guess; which I assume just involves extended kissing/groping if I'm not mistaken, lol. I guess just part of me is wanting to rush everything since I'm entering the dating world so late it feels like I have to play catchup. I mean, for example, my neighbor is my age and in the last few weeks I have been on three regular first dates and he has bedded down three in the same time! He just seems to be after the sex, but still I don't know how he managed to do that in general. I guess I just need to take it slow, but it just seems like I shouldn't have too since so many others don't seem like they do. I'm sure it is just my pathetic lack of experience restricting me though
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 (edited) I don't know what you or others want from dating....I just believe that either people are looking for companionship or a committed partner. "Getting a gf/bf" to me just sounds like you want company... Cuz seriously, if you are not looking to get married....then what "is" the point of dating? Having company if you ask me. A while back I was watching the "End of Watch" movie and the Hispanic cop was telling Jake G (I can't spell his last name) that he 'just didn't get why Jake was so hung up on this or that with the women he was dating cuz when the Hispanic guy met his wife, they just said 'let's do this, they got married, and are still going after all these years'... And, I feel the same way sometimes. Either you want companionship or you wanna get married...Now, let's say you wanna get married...Well, that doesn't mean that the person you're dating right now (or even after her) is gonna be the one you marry...IMO, it just means that while you are enjoying her company, you're evaluating her to see if she'll be the one you marry. So, if it fades, it's not cuz you are bored and want different company - it's cuz you don't see her as someone you want to be with in the long-term. When you're dating just for company...if you get bored and/or life happens (disagreements, problems, etc.), you are not required to stay there cuz you made up your mind that you do not want to commit to that person. However, if you are married, you made a promise to God, family, and the community that you are with that person - so when life happens (bills, problems, boredom) you have an incentive to work it out (your promise/commitment) From my understanding, marriage is an outdated concept. People don't seem to get married much anymore and is unnecessary for the most part. I know quite a few couples that have been together for years and never plan on marriage. I just would like a long term relationship without intentions of marriage, which seems pretty typical these days and not unreasonable. I guess it would be a good idea to discuss intentions like that with her eventually, but surely not within the first few dates... Edited September 4, 2014 by GTO06
somedude81 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Good point, making out should be first I guess; which I assume just involves extended kissing/groping if I'm not mistaken, lol. I guess just part of me is wanting to rush everything since I'm entering the dating world so late it feels like I have to play catchup. I mean, for example, my neighbor is my age and in the last few weeks I have been on three regular first dates and he has bedded down three in the same time! He just seems to be after the sex, but still I don't know how he managed to do that in general. I guess I just need to take it slow, but it just seems like I shouldn't have too since so many others don't seem like they do. I'm sure it is just my pathetic lack of experience restricting me though I got my very first girlfriend at 31. We didn't have our first kiss till the 3rd date. Sex was around date 6 or 7. She actually slept in my bed twice before we had sex. It's just not something you need to rush into. Once you've kissed a girl, she knows that you like her so there is no need to hurry. Yes, making out is kissing and groping. I think you should end a couple of dates with a serious make out session before you think about sex. Especially if you are inexperienced. Don't compare yourself to guys who are more experienced. That will do you no good. Just focus on the girl you are with and have a good time with her. BTW, if there are ever plans for her to come to your place, or go to hers, make sure you have condoms. 1
Author GTO06 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 I got my very first girlfriend at 31. We didn't have our first kiss till the 3rd date. Sex was around date 6 or 7. She actually slept in my bed twice before we had sex. It's just not something you need to rush into. Once you've kissed a girl, she knows that you like her so there is no need to hurry. Yes, making out is kissing and groping. I think you should end a couple of dates with a serious make out session before you think about sex. Especially if you are inexperienced. Don't compare yourself to guys who are more experienced. That will do you no good. Just focus on the girl you are with and have a good time with her. BTW, if there are ever plans for her to come to your place, or go to hers, make sure you have condoms. Well spoken my friend and it's good to know I'm not alone on my situation! I'll just take it easy then. I mean I have made some pretty big personal strides with this whole "putting myself out there" thing this year and it has completely changed my view on everything. I'm just going to take it one step at a time and have some fun with it 1
longjohn Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Hey guys, Ok, so just curious, I once heard somewhere that there was some "Golden Rule" of dating that the third date was the expected time for initiating sex. Is this something that women expect a guy to follow? I'm heading toward my first ever second date with a girl and I'm starting to think about this kind of thing a bit. My plan is this: First date- Drinks/Dinner (which went great btw) Second date - Activity Date (small hike or bowling, ect.) Third date - Ask her to my place for a movie/wine and try to make my move Is this a typical plan of action? BTW, this is coming from a 29yo guy that has just entered the dating world for the first time and has never had a GF. Thanks I never apply such rules to dates other than when to at least kiss/touch/hold hands to show affection and obvious interest romantically. I try to do this no later than the third date so there's no confusion as to my intentions. I let the sex part happen naturally when both parties are ready. Yes a dinner at home/movie is a perfect time for this to happen. Typically when I invite a woman over for drinks and/or movie at home this is the route things generally (but not always) go. Never expect sex on date X that's a recipe for disaster. Never, ever no matter what you do tell a woman you expect sex by date X or after you've invested X amount of time/energy or money. It'll cheapen it and she'll rightly run a hundred miles away. I've dated a few ladies that told me some (idiot) men had tried this crap on them before and to be honest as a man it shocked me. 2
Gloria25 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 From my understanding, marriage is an outdated concept. People don't seem to get married much anymore and is unnecessary for the most part. I know quite a few couples that have been together for years and never plan on marriage. I just would like a long term relationship without intentions of marriage, which seems pretty typical these days and not unreasonable. I guess it would be a good idea to discuss intentions like that with her eventually, but surely not within the first few dates... Well, IMO, even though people can date for extended periods - it is not a commitment like a marriage. Right now I am responding to a thread where the OP (Pinkcarnation) is talking about a live-in boyfriend cheating on her. Why? Cuz, he's not in a committed RL with her. You know, when I was a kid, I remember it like yesterday...my dad told my mom 'I don't owe you and your kids (as if he had no part in getting her becoming pregnant) nothing'. So, "playing house" doesn't cut it. You can have kids and/or date a guy for years...He is not in a committed RL with you. And, while some people see "living together" as progression, IMO, it is quite the opposite...The person gets everything they could get without committing to you and when you give people stuff for free, it makes them wonder 'well, what "else" can I get away with?' Now, I'm not saying marriage will stop cheating...but, at least there's a better incentive that it won't happen. Me, when I'm with a guy, and we are exclusive - we are exclusive. I have no need to go out and get someone else...But, even where I've been in non-committal situations where we weren't seeing other people - even after a while it ends cuz there's no incentive (marriage) to stick it out. So, if people wanna date w/o getting married - then that's there prerogative...but IMO, it's not a level of commitment when you are married.
somedude81 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Well spoken my friend and it's good to know I'm not alone on my situation! I'll just take it easy then. I mean I have made some pretty big personal strides with this whole "putting myself out there" thing this year and it has completely changed my view on everything. I'm just going to take it one step at a time and have some fun with it Sounds like you're on a good path. Good luck, have fun, and be safe.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Ok, maybe I should explain more of what I actually do want. Well, I'm a 29yo virgin, so obviously I do want sex. However, it would really be nice to have a GF to have it with. I would like to have a consistent relationship with a girl that involves sex as well; from my understanding, that is called a girlfriend, is it not? to me from what you are expecting and planning on sounds like a 13 year old virgin. you are acting like a player... forget about trying to get loving with remembering how to do... you'll just end up screwing with her head even if you can't screw her body.
Recommended Posts