I don't even know anymore ... just crazy

[preraph]

Unless she knows something you don't (like that you're gay), she's F'd up and you'd be best moving on. She is jealous of everything. That's not healthy.

[DontBreakEven]

Unless she knows something you don't (like that you're gay), she's F'd up and you'd be best moving on. She is jealous of everything. That's not healthy.

 

Well, we are both gay, so the brother attraction thing is not as nuts as everyone is making it out to be.

 

Of course the insane sh*t sounds crazy when it's not backed up by how 90% of the time she is wonderful. So unfortunately it's not that easy. Thanks for the input.

[Mrin]

Well, we are both gay, so the brother attraction thing is not as nuts as everyone is making it out to be.

 

Not sure if serious

[theLWord]

Sounds like someone with borderline personality disorder to me.

 

If so, prepare to always be the problem, always coddle her, enjoy more insane off the wall freak outs, compulsive lying, extreme jealously, cheating, and for everything to always be about her. You must have no needs in these relationships.

 

The sex might be great, you might think she was great, but she was pretending. Now her crazy is coming out.

 

My ex had borderline personality disorder (bpd) and I made excuses for her, ignored red flags, ignored people telling me she was bat**** crazy.

 

I ignored everyone who said run, on forums too.

 

My advice, and I stayed with someone insane for almost 3 years, get out now!!! The mental abuse and "gaslighting" (look it up) will make you feel terrible. You can't fix these people. Trust me. I hope you get out now or you will waste years with someone who isn't who you think.

 

Good luck. Btw-doesn't matter if you are gay or straight, crazy is crazy.

[Assasda]

I think its a test.

 

And what you do when you get a test? You dont let it faze you in the least, because you know that its absolutely ridiculous.

You dont question it, you dont argue, you dont tolerate it.

But it doesnt faze you one bit.

 

After she sees youre not faze, she'll get her mind right back on track.

 

I definately think she's testing you

[Downtown]

DBE, I agree with LWord that the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, "completely irrational thinking and accusations," rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you, and impulsiveness -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

When we got in the car she flipped a switch and something was wrong.

One of the hallmarks of BPDers (i.e., those at the higher end of the BPD spectrum) is the ability to flip -- in only ten seconds -- from adoring you to to devaluing (or even hating) you. And then, five hours later, they can flip back just as quickly. If your GF is a BPDer, she is doing this because she cannot tolerate ambiguities, uncertainties, mixed feelings, or other grey areas in interpersonal relationships.

 

A BPDer therefore categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor comment or transgression (real or imagined). This black-white perception of other people will be especially evident in her frequent used of all-or-nothing expressions such as "you ALWAYS...." and "you NEVER...." It also will be evident in the rapid mood flips.

 

It's starting to make me feel insane.... each time this happens (at least once a week), I feel like I'm losing my mind.

If you are in love with a BPDer, "insane" is exactly how you should be feeling. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the disorder most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This crazy-making effect largely arises from the partner's mistaken belief that, if you can only figure out what SHE is doing wrong, you can restore the BPDer to that wonderful person you saw at the beginning.

 

This effect is also due to the BPDer's absolute conviction that the outrageous things coming out of her mouth must be true -- and, a week later when she is claiming the exact opposite, she will be convinced that is true as well. Instead of intellectually challenging her own intense feelings, a BPDer will accept them as "facts." Her reality, then, is whatever intense feeling she is experiencing at the moment.

 

The insane sh*t sounds crazy when it's not backed up by how 90% of the time she is wonderful.

If your GF is a BPDer, she actually is NOT "crazy," "insane," or "psychotic." Those terms generally refer to a person who has lost touch with physical reality, e.g., believing that overhead planes are spying on them or that the news announcer is speaking to her personally. BPDers see physical reality just fine.

 

Hence, a BPDer's problem is not being "crazy" but, rather, emotionally unstable. The vast majority of these folks are high functioning people who are enjoyable to be around and who are successful in a wide variety of demanding professions. Generally, they are easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both were full-blown BPDers if their biographers are correct.

 

The mood instability is caused by the BPDer's emotional development being stuck at the level of a four-year old. Hence, if your GF is a BPDer, the temper tantrums and lack of emotional control are the same behaviors you observe in young children. Because of her stunted emotional development, a BPDer is fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses available to a young child. These include projection, temper tantrums, denial, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.

 

Significantly, we all behave like BPDers during early childhood and most of us start behaving that way again during our early teens (when hormone surges intensify our feelings and we have to deal with new feelings we had never experienced before). We "normal" adults also can exhibit a strong flareup of our BPD traits when hormones rage again during pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause. Indeed, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits the nine BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all exhibit the traits to some degree. Thus, if you consider BPDers "crazy," then we ALL are crazy to varying degrees, depending on what stage of life we are in at the moment.

 

I don't know what to do.

Because you are describing some of the classic BPD red flags, I suggest you familiarize yourself with all of them so you are able to spot warning signs and protect yourself. An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to join LWord in discussing them with you.

[ShiftingGears]

DontBreakEven,

 

This is so strange. The only two posts I´ve ever written in these forums were written as answers to a thread you posted in May. I had been reading and getting support from the forum for 4 months after my break up from a 9 year long relationship. I reqognized myself and my situation in your story and I became a member just to write to you, wanting to give some support back since your posts had given me strenght to take some steps to move forward.

 

Now I´m back after 4 months MIA from the forum. And I´m both sad to see what you are going through and I´m supprised that we are again in similar situations!

 

I also just dated an unstable girl (we are both female) during the last 2 months! Our "relationship" lasted only 1,5 months and it was long distance. Acctually we didn´t ever call it a relationship, she never wanted to call it that, so to be correct we were "dating exclusivly".

 

I saw red flags from the moment vi started chatting (we met online). But something about her just mesmerized me and I continued to persue the contact. We started talking on the phone and texting (after she sent me her phonenumber out of the blue) but shortly after she broke the contact. She said she didn´t want to date anybody because she needed to work on herself after being burned out at work early this year. (Since then she had been working part time whiles going to group theoropy and a personal therapist to get back to work full time hopefully at the beginning of next year.)

We didn´t have any contact for about a month or so. But since I had plans to be in her home town (for another engagement) one weekend I though I´d ask her to meet up. She accepted, we met, it clicked and well...an intense merry go round started. We met roughly every weekend after that. But something was never quite right and it wasn´t anything near a smooth ride.

She was hot and cold with her feelings towards me, never really knowing what she felt. She went from one day being on cloud nine and talking about me with her friends, family and collegues and fantasizing about family and kids with me to the next day not knowing what she felt about me and worrying about why she didn´t miss me. (Because of her mixed feelings messing with both our heads and hearts, we called it quits after a few weeks. But a week after she sent me a text saying she missed me and was going to pieces. Not thinking clearly I called her up and we tried again, only for the same situation to happen again and we ended it, this time for real, a week afterward.)

In the midts of this she had/has anxiety issues and was going to get investigated for GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) since she has had issues with anxiety since a very young age. The investigation was going to start after she had finnished with the therapy connected to going back to work fulltime.

There were many incidents where I got to experience her anxiety issues (and insecurity issues, including jellousy) during our brief time together and I must admit it made me question if there was a possible future for me with her. I didn´t quite know how I should act and be supportive and I did think that perhaps this was not a person I should engage a relationship with. But like I said, something about her had got me hooked. I thought that, hadn´t it been for her going back and forth with her feelings towards me I would have stuck around. I even started to search for info online about GAD and other anxiety disorders to know what I was getting myself into and to get info about how I could best support her.

During my search I also stumbled over a dissorder called ROCD (Relationship OCD). This made me wonder if that was the cause of her running hot and cold with her feelings towards me. The thing is though, I understood that even though this might have been the reason, it would not have been healthy for me to continue dating someone with that disorder.

 

Perhaps her not feeling 100% true feelings for me was a blessing in disguise. Because I am affraid that if she had wanted to continue dating and we had started a relationship I might have had my blinders on, stayed around and became coindependent and made us both misarable for way to long!

 

Something good has come from this brief period. It has opened my eyes to see that I still have things to work on with myself.

Because for some reason I got attracted to and attracted an insecure person with so many issues. It´s not healthy and it's not something I want in my life. I know that nobody is perfect but a relationship can be drama free! A relationship with someone with anxiety or other issues won´t be anything but!

It doesn´t matter how wonderful a person is (and this girl really was amazing), if she/he is showing red flags, open those eyes and dont´engage!

 

I had just worked through the heartake of my LTR and had started a new life that I enjoyed when I met this girl. I thought that I was ready for someone new to come in to my life and be my cherry on top.

Apparantly not every issue has been delt with and I need to concentrate on the pieces of brokeness that are still there to pick up and mend.

For example, I´ve now had a bit of time to reflect and even though there is a big chance she might have ROCD I think I played a big role in her being so confused about her feelings towards me. Because what played out was that her actions towards me, and also one perticular incident that happened, made me insecure and I stopped being myself and the person she first met and was emotianlly attraced to (the person I just built up, was happy about and me miself liked!)! Not good!

I need to get to a place were I´m totaly secure about myself and my wants and needs and being able to stick to my boundries.

I´m on my way there, I know, cause both times we broke up I was the one setting the boundries and said I did not want to be in a relationship where I got tossed around emotianally. Had I not said that and taken that action during the first break she would have wanted to continue the charade.

I remember being so proud of myself for sticking to my boundries and also proud that I hadn´t contacted her during the week even though I missed her like crazy. Yes I messed up afterwards when I couldn´t help myself and answered her "I miss u"-text. But all in all, my actions have proven that I might still make some mistakes but I'm slowly rebuilding myself and becoming the person I want to be. And that I soon will attract a person that is good to me and for me and vice versa. I know that this short experinece has tought me ALOT about myself, who I am, who I want to be, who I am becoming and who I want to and am willing to let in to my life!

I might end up getting attracted to an emotianlly unavailable and/or unstable person again (No, I should be real. I MOST LIKELY will) but I think and hope that this experience will help me act on the red flags and not just ignore them.

 

Anyway OP, I did not mean to hijack your thread. I just wanted to let you in on my new experince and maybe it somehow helps you to reflect over your choices and actions in this relationship. It does seem as though you also might need to question why you get attracted to and attract girls with emotional and psycological issues.

 

I would love to PM you and discuss our situations, thoughts and feelings!

(how many posts does one need to send before it´s possible to send PMs? Anybody know?)

[DontBreakEven]

You worry about YOUR heart. She is acting only concerned about herself and trying to get a rise out of you. WALK AWAY. If you don't, we'll see you in the "break up" forum in a few months saying you should have seen it coming, etc.

 

I should have seen it coming.

 

No, I'm actually completely devastated, but it's interesting because I totally forgot I even made these posts long ago.

 

Things got progressively weirder, but then they got normal ... to be honest I'm still completely confused as to WHAT exactly happened as I wasn't documenting much during the relationship, and I'm glad I have this post to bring me back to reality. I miss the thought of her. I miss holding her at night. But we are totally broken up now for reasons just as crazy as these that I documented prior. And what's even crazier is that I don't know who broke up with who, or even if it's 100% over ... I still have her cat.

 

Anyway, point being, glad I have this post to look back on and bring me down to Earth because I am really sad.

[DontBreakEven]

Girlfriend ain't playing with a full deck.

 

if she's this whacked at 2 months, imagine a year from now. She isn't stable. Don't think you can fix her warped mind, because you can't. There are disturbing, major underlying issues here. Seriously - she thinks her brother might have a thing for you? You said it yourself: W.T.F.

 

A year from now: The litany of stories I have is enough to make this entire board's head spin for days.

 

The most f***ed up part of it all? I still love her.

[DontBreakEven]

Shifting Gears ... Looks like I went back to Crazy Town before reading your post to me. If you are still lurking around, let me know. I tried to send you a PM but it didn't work.

[Mjm1014]

I was dating a girl last year that acted the exact same way. She told me from the get-go that she had a major brain injury when she was younger and was in a coma for awhile...yeah it really messed her up. Anyways as hard as it was for me to break it off (I did really care about her, but she was definitely crazy), I finally broke up with her and look back and feel stupid for the abuse I took. Now, I'm dating an amazing girl with a great personality, and I look back and think "wtf was I doing in that relationship."

 

My point is, there may be more to her than you know. You deserve better, and whatever is wrong with her, I'm 100% certain you won't be able to fix that. Sounds like some deep personality or mental problems. Really want to deal with that the rest of your life?

[havocser]

She's insecure. The longer you let this play out the more you'll allow her to think she can act this way, you need to break up with her and tell her how irrational and childish she is being. It's going to hurt her and she'll probably act like a physco, but it will help her long term if she actually considers your words.

[Fleur de cactus]

Thank you for coming back and the update. When I started reading I looked at the date, I was wondering what happened to the relationship, because to me, i saw instability in your gf mind. She has mixed signals. Living with her is like walking in eggshells all the time. It must be draining and exhausting.

 

Now she is gone but you are still in love. The danger of this type of relationship is that you continue to try hard to met her caprices; she can be manipulative and she now twisted you around her little finger. The game of this type of control is that you become codependent. Please move on, don't continue to destroy yourself.

[katiegrl]

You can run or you can show her that you won't tolerate her behavior.

 

I don't think she has any control over her behavior.....her severe mood swings indicate some sort of a serious mental disorder..

 

She needs to see a shrink - she may have bipolar...or an anxiety disorder combined with paranoid delusions.

 

How old is she?

[Redhead14]

I started dating a girl 2 months ago. Things got serious pretty fast, and she is so perfect for me in so many ways.

 

But then there is the issue ...

 

I don't even know how to explain it. Something is completely off with her at times, and it's starting to make me feel insane. We met one of my best friends a few weeks into knowing each other and things were great! But then immediately when we got in the car she flipped a switch and something was wrong. After much prodding, she accused me of being in love with my friend and that I "need to figure that out". Huh???? So that was the beginning of many episodes like this, that invariably cause terrible fighting, as I try to defend myself against completely irrational thinking and accusations.

 

Last week we met her little brother and things were going great until she snapped and told me all I was doing was paying attention to her brother and now I've caused him to develop an attraction towards me. WTF.

 

Last night she just stopped having sex with me because apparently I was acting as if her hair was too much in the way. That one really threw me for a loop. She ended up sleeping on the couch and just leaving this morning for work without even saying goodbye. Then when I called her she told me she felt like me having sex with her was a chore for me.

 

I don't know what to do. I care for the girl and I am very much infatuated/in love with her ... but each time this happens (at least once a week), I feel like I'm losing my mind. I cannot live like this. But I don't want to lose her.

 

I care for the girl and I am very much infatuated/in love with her -- WHY? There isn't one thing you've mentioned above that sounds like she even is interested in you or any fun to be with. This sounds like more of a case of being in love with a "relationship" not the person.

 

Move on.

[DontBreakEven]

I want to update this post, because I am still struggling here, and I am so thankful that I have this little post as a point of reference for the things I managed to forget/ignore during the whirlwind time I have had with this girl.

 

Nothing has changed, we are still broken up as I reported in June. Still for a litany of insane details that are 10x more difficult to wrap my head around than the original couple examples from last fall. I would rattle them off, but at this point it almost seems cruel to her memory to go through all her issues on a public forum. I was confused at first what was happening. I still am f*cking confused as sh*t, but now I know that strange instances weren't just isolated.

 

I will just say that things went just as everyone predicted. x10.

 

I want to comment to the last post that asked me WHY I am in love with her. First off, I'm unsure that love has any reasoning to it whatsoever. But I was in love. I still am. Of course there were many positives that I didn't mention, because that wasn't the original point of my post. The girl is so sweet. She treated me like a princess most of the time. I still know to this day that I could call her if I needed absolutely anything, and she would pick up. She let me keep her cat in the end ... because she knew she had hurt me, and she knew the cat and I formed a bond that I didn't want to lose.

 

The issues became beyond my control. I feel that, in the end, she completely sabotaged the relationship, and I am grieving that now, because I worked really hard at keeping us together. So I've been grieving the loss. We have been broken up for almost 5 months now (various periods of contact ... NC for 6 weeks now).

 

This thread helps bring me back down the Earth when my memories are idealizing the relationship that was. Nights like tonight, where I wish she was just holding me, or I wish she would just contact me and come to her senses. I remember now that her senses aren't and weren't ever what I needed them to be.

Edited November 17, 2015 by DontBreakEven