Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Hello everybody, I'm quite new here. I've been reading a lot, it helped a lot so thank you all I need to hear your opinions on something, because I'm not thinking straight. BU two weeks ago. A great guy, that is not in love with me anymore. He's been very open and honest and there's nothing I can do. I understand. I blocked him from FB. I deleted his phone number. But I did send him some mails (nothing desperate really, I said I understood etc, tried to stay reasonable). He always responded in a nice way. Anyway, one of these days I'm gonna run into him. And I know that's gonna be horrible and awkward. Therefore I sent him a mail, saying that maybe we should have a drink together, to see each other once, because that could maybe help afterwards - feeling less awkward etc when we bump into each other. I also still have the key to his house and some stuff I have to give back. He just sent me a mail asking me when we could meet, to have a drink and so I can give him his stuff back. Just this message made me cry, because there's no "I miss you like crazy" or anything in it. Which of course is logical, but it's sooooo dissapointing!! So now I'm doubting. Should I go for this drink - which will be horrible and painfull I'm sure and I will probably end up afterwards crying in my bed. Because of course, somewhere deep inside of me there's still some hope. I want to hear somewhere that he is doubting his decision. That he misses me. That he thinks we should still give it a go. (which is not gonna happen) Should I reply him and be honest and say that this isn't the moment for me to have a drink? That it's gonna be painful etc? But if I do that, it's gonna be even more painful to bump into him later on because he knows exactly how I feel. I'd rather give him the impression that I'm doing sort of ok. Or should I go for the drink, hold strong and afterwards start the NC???? God, I don't know.....
Author Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 For some reason I could not choose any title I wanted, that's why I ended up with just a question mark...
PegNosePete Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 You should be honest with him. Say that you're sorry to change the plans but meeting up will not be good for your healing process. Then arrange to get his things to him by other means: an envelope through his door or in the post, via mutual friends or family, etc. Then NC.
Author Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Thank you PegNosePete. Yeah, maybe I should be honest....? And then do the NC-thing. Can I block him in my mail?? I get tempted to mail him, because it's the only link we still have.
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Well, you need to give him his stuff back. That, however, does not mean you need to be super formal about it; drink and all. If you re - read what you have said, you will notice something: Either way, it is gonna hurt you. But... Think of it like this: You can at least give yourself time away from him, to maybe get well enough, that a mere bump in the road won't be so devastating. As what you are doing now, is akin to a desperate ploy to confirm your hopes, that he made a mistake, regrets it, and will confess this. Which will not happen. He fell out of love, and these things happen. You should grieve all that you can grieve (nothing wrong with that), but do not set yourself up to foolishly do more harm to yourself. Even if you did meet up with him for drinks, to return his stuff, it may not do any good - even if you bumped into him down the road. Really, you prolong your exposure to him, and your hopes may not dwindle. But, you may need your hopes broken, before you fully realize that this is over. You shouldn't do something that in which, you feel as if it would be a mistake on your end. Trust your feelings. Give his stuff back, evenso, it doesn't need to be formal. Now is the time you should focus on you, not him.
Author Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Thank you Todd. Going for a drink will hurt me. Because I will be dissapointed with what he will NOT say. Not going for a drink with him might be a better option. So I should tell him 100% honestly WHY I don't want to go for a drink? Saying that I still have 5% hope and that that hope will dissapear more rapidely if I don't see him. On the other hand, going for the drink will probably really make my hope dissapear. A painful way, but maybe necessary??? To meet or not to meet, that's the question.
Author Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 So I will send him a mail, telling him that it might not be the best idea to meet. He will reply and stay nice and say he understands and that he respects my decision. Which is again not what I want to hear And I will end up crying once again. But then I can start the whole NC.
PegNosePete Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Don't be wishy washy. Tell him once and for all. Don't blubber in the mail. Hey XXX, Sorry to mess you around but I'm afraid I won't be able to meet up with you after all. I have to begin the process of healing after our break-up and I feel a meeting would be detrimental to my progress. I will put your things in an envelope through your door/the post/give to your mum/friend/brother to get them back to you (delete as applicable). Bella2 IGNORE any response. 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Thank you Todd. Going for a drink will hurt me. Because I will be dissapointed with what he will NOT say. Not going for a drink with him might be a better option. So I should tell him 100% honestly WHY I don't want to go for a drink? Saying that I still have 5% hope and that that hope will dissapear more rapidely if I don't see him. On the other hand, going for the drink will probably really make my hope dissapear. A painful way, but maybe necessary??? To meet or not to meet, that's the question. A wise way would be to avoid any extra pain. Yes, be honest; nothing wrong about that in fact, you are not ready. You need to first work on yourself. Though, do give him his stuff back. Just make it not so formal. I believe you should avoid this drink with him. You'll be emotional the whole process, and it will be a huge let down - why we do no contact. However, tell him the truth, and hear his reply. Depending on that reply, you may can gather whether to remain hopeful or not. Though, I believe it is over. Feel free to share his response, how you feel towards his response, and then we can advise you further. I am truly sorry that you are going through this pain. Just play it smart; you have all the emotion to lose in this gamble to confirm if there is any hope or not, he has nothing to lose. 1
Author Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 I did it. I just sent a mail explaining why I thought it was better to not go for a drink. I was completely honest. Saying I would be hurt, saying I would be dissapointed, because somewhere I still have a bit of hope. That it's better - for me - to cut him out of my life for now. He will get his stuff back another way. I sort of feel relieved. But I'm sure I'll start crying when I read his response. And then: NC NC NC !!!!!!!!
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I did it. I just sent a mail explaining why I thought it was better to not go for a drink. I was completely honest. Saying I would be hurt, saying I would be dissapointed, because somewhere I still have a bit of hope. That it's better - for me - to cut him out of my life for now. He will get his stuff back another way. I sort of feel relieved. But I'm sure I'll start crying when I read his response. And then: NC NC NC !!!!!!!! You will feel hurt for a while. Just keep working on you and what makes you feel better. Try to send his stuff back in a box or envelope as PegNosePete suggested. Truly, if he wanted this to work, he would get back with you, not the other way around. Once you are very well off, he may return, but...You may have moved on and not wanting him back. Avoid any games continue this mature route. You are very maturely handling this! 1
Author Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 You will feel hurt for a while. Just keep working on you and what makes you feel better. Try to send his stuff back in a box or envelope as PegNosePete suggested. Truly, if he wanted this to work, he would get back with you, not the other way around. Once you are very well off, he may return, but...You may have moved on and not wanting him back. Avoid any games continue this mature route. You are very maturely handling this! He answered. And yes, I cried. We don't communicate in English, so I will translate his answer: Ok. I understand. We will do like that then. It is certainly better, yes. I imagine we will bump into each other, by accident. So, it's better to avoid each other and change sidewalks when we see each other. And, I think, that in a couple of months we will no longer even want to talk to each other. Whatever. Just for information: this weekend it's possible that I will have a drink at xxxx bar on Friday or Saturday night (info from Bella, this is our favorite bar). I can't tell you what to do, I can't oblige you not to come, but as you don't want to see me, I thought you should know. And so, Bella, yes, "au revoir", and "adieu", in a way.... He sounds a bit p*ssed off...? Why would he be p*ssed off?? Anyway, I'm not gonna answer.
PegNosePete Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Who cares? Now you can start NC. Get his stuff delivered back to him somehow that doesn't involve meeting up with him. 2
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 He answered. And yes, I cried. We don't communicate in English, so I will translate his answer: Ok. I understand. We will do like that then. It is certainly better, yes. I imagine we will bump into each other, by accident. So, it's better to avoid each other and change sidewalks when we see each other. And, I think, that in a couple of months we will no longer even want to talk to each other. Whatever. Just for information: this weekend it's possible that I will have a drink at xxxx bar on Friday or Saturday night (info from Bella, this is our favorite bar). I can't tell you what to do, I can't oblige you not to come, but as you don't want to see me, I thought you should know. And so, Bella, yes, "au revoir", and "adieu", in a way.... He sounds a bit p*ssed off...? Why would he be p*ssed off?? Anyway, I'm not gonna answer. More cold, then angry, the way I interpret it. He is right, you two should make efforts to avoid each other. He contradicts himself in the end. First agreeing, and for your sake, to avoid one another, then gives passing info on the bar he will be at, in hopes you attend. This is game play. Avoid the bar. He did not need to tell you any of this info. He knows you are hurting and need comfort; not games. If he is unwilling to be with you, you needn't sacrifice your emotions for him any further. 1
Author Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 More cold, then angry, the way I interpret it. He is right, you two should make efforts to avoid each other. He contradicts himself in the end. First agreeing, and for your sake, to avoid one another, then gives passing info on the bar he will be at, in hopes you attend. This is game play. Avoid the bar. He did not need to tell you any of this info. He knows you are hurting and need comfort; not games. If he is unwilling to be with you, you needn't sacrifice your emotions for him any further. I don't think he's playing games. He's not the type to play games. But this bar is the bar I almost always go to, and so does he (which sucks, yes). He knows that the chances were very big that I would be going there too. So I really do think he just wants to warn me not to come, if I don't want to see him.... Still, I don't understand his "cold" reaction. I was just being honest. That p*sses me off!!!!!!
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I don't think he's playing games. He's not the type to play games. But this bar is the bar I almost always go to, and so does he (which sucks, yes). He knows that the chances were very big that I would be going there too. So I really do think he just wants to warn me not to come, if I don't want to see him.... Still, I don't understand his "cold" reaction. I was just being honest. That p*sses me off!!!!!! Well, either way, avoid him and the bar. I think it's a good thing he is cold to you. It shows you were he is at emotionally with you. Least he was kind enough to warn you, no ill will feelings. I guess it confirms your fears towards hope.
Author Bella2 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 It shows you were he is at emotionally with you. Least he was kind enough to warn you, no ill will feelings. I guess it confirms your fears towards hope. What do you mean exactly?
mightycpa Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 So I will send him a mail, telling him that it might not be the best idea to meet. He will reply and stay nice and say he understands and that he respects my decision. Which is again not what I want to hear And I will end up crying once again. But then I can start the whole NC. Because you think it is likely that you'll bump into him, you might as well ask him to ignore you for a while, and that you'll let him know when you're ready. This way, you can avoid future questions like: "why didn't he say anything?" "what did he mean by that?" "does this mean he wants me back?" because when he ignores you, you'll know he's just helping you the way you asked him to.
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 What do you mean exactly? That he does not have any feelings left for you, not in the sense you may have been hoping for. He was friendly enough to let you know where he would be at, so you could avoid him. So, least he cared on friendly terms and good will towards you, to help you avoid him and a discomforting situation. This confirms to your hopes that he may change his mind or what have you. That he no longer sees you as a love interest, may be, friend level. 1
Toodaloo Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Still, I don't understand his "cold" reaction. I was just being honest. That p*sses me off!!!!!! Glad to hear you are pissed off (far better than being miserable)... He is being nasty for no other reason than because he can and he knows its hurting you. He doesn't even have to be that mean just snippy and he knows it will hurt. No more contact. Avoid like the proverbial plague... 1
Author Bella2 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 So yesterday I felt sort of relieved, not having to meet him. Today mixed feelings; if we would have met up, he would have seem me, maybe he would look at me at think "Oooh no, how could I have let her go???" Yeah, stupid, I know. NC. That's gonna be ok, BUT i know that when I have a couple of drinks when I go out, I will be VERY tempted to send him a mail. Because in that moment it seems ok and a good idea. To be very regretted the next morning of course (been there, done that). And there are several places where it's likely we will bump into each other and that sort of scares me. Especially if I see him with someone else...
Author Bella2 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 I'm at work, I just went outside to smoke a sigarette. I was of course thinking about my BU etc. And then I witnessed a BU! A collegue that works next door, nice guy, we chat sometimes outside, was in the parking lot, on his mobile phone, talking to what seemed to be his girlfriend. Actually not talking, but yelling his head off. He went back into his car, to have some privacy, but even then I could understand everything he was yelling at her. "YOU'RE ALWAYS JEALOUS!!!! EVERY SINGLE DAY IT'S THE SAME THING!!! WE HAVE TO STOP THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!!" (add in a couple of swear words) That was awkward and weird
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 You're going to jump up and down on this emotional roller coaster. One moment you will miss him; another you may not even think about him; another anger. It will play itself out. Then you will more than likely be able to move on from all this completely. You should block him on your mail. Not that you couldn't unblock him when drunk. I really cannot give you advice there; maybe not get as drunk? I am definitely not good enough to provide you with tips, in such a department. Well, as of your coworker and his breakup....You are not alone at least. Happens to so many people; and hardly at a good time. As usually one wants to break up and one wants to stay, lol. 1
Author Bella2 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 Feeling sad and lonely. When I check my mail, I'm still dissapointed that there's no mail from him (ridiculous, I KNOOOOW). Going out tonight with friends, hope it will be a bit fun, and I'm gonna wrap up my computer so it's impossible to unwrap it when I'm tipsy. But: there's still the phone.... I think I'm gonna write a big "NOOOOO" on my hand, to remind me NOT to send a message. Maybe I should have a tattoo.
Toddbt12y1 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 Feeling sad and lonely. When I check my mail, I'm still dissapointed that there's no mail from him (ridiculous, I KNOOOOW). Going out tonight with friends, hope it will be a bit fun, and I'm gonna wrap up my computer so it's impossible to unwrap it when I'm tipsy. But: there's still the phone.... I think I'm gonna write a big "NOOOOO" on my hand, to remind me NOT to send a message. Maybe I should have a tattoo. I am sure you will be fine. Take all precautions you'd like to. I hope you have fun! Make sure that you try to relax, and try not to think about him. Rather hard at first. Point is. Don't sink into depression and become antisocial over this. I believe you will end up fine.
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