Help in writing a No Contact Letter

[ThumbingMyWay]

Most of you know my situation.....I have not been able to post on my thread yet, since I am still in the process of dealing with where my feelings are....I will post there in time.

 

But I would like help in drafting a NC letter to my wifes OM. I have no clue where to start.

 

For those of you who have written one or if you know of a resource or guide in writting such a letter, please post it on this thread.

 

Your help is greatly appreciated...

 

thank you for all your support and thanks for guiding me and my wife....

 

TMW

[whichwayisup]

Thumbs, I think by now you know we are ALL behind you, supporting you in whatever means necessary.

 

DO a first draft of first thoughts that jump into your head...Don't hold back (because you're speaking from the heart and pure emotion and that's good.)

 

I'm sure Owl and Dazed will jump on this one.

 

Go with what is inside of you, nothing you put down is carved in stone now and can be changed or added in later.

 

I put myself in your shoes....Here is some what I would say right now...I'm gonna hold back MY anger towards it all, try to anyway...

 

TO: (insert A-Hole's name here...)

 

This is the final letter you will get from my wife and I. She wants nothing to do with you, you've done enough damage as it is, you should be ashamed of yourself. I don't know how you can look your wife now in the eyes, knowing the damage you helped cause here.

Your wife is getting a copy of this FINAL LETTER and then there is to be NO CONTACT ever again. If I find out you even glanced at my wife, YOUR wife will know about it in a heartbeat.

 

ETC...Make sure to TELL him how YOU feel, what this has done to your family, career all of it.

 

OK well I stop now - You get the drift where I'm heading on this...

 

Hang in there Thumb.

[DazednConfused]

No No No No.

 

That's what I did and I regret it. WW, you just did the usual knee-jerk reaction because we want the OM to know how badly we are hurt. that fact is, he cares not at all. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

Give the arsehole only the information he needs. Letting him know he has hurt you is useless and self-depricating. he has screwed up his own marriage, but he will get a perverse thrill out of knowing he has screwed up yours as well.

 

Your no Contact letter needs be only polite and firm. never let em see ya sweat as the saying goes.

 

Affair Partner;

 

I am writing to you today to let you know that I will no longer have any contact with you. Our relationship was a mistake from the beginning and should never have happened.

 

As of today I have made the decision to choose my husband and my marriage.

 

From now on, I will not contact you for any reason, nor will I accept any phone calls, emails, nor written letters from you. What happens to me in my marriage is no longer any of your concern.

 

I appreciate your cooperation.

 

Sincerely,

 

Cheating wife

 

 

Or something to that effect.

 

Just my humble opinion...

 

- Dazed

[whichwayisup]

No No No No.

 

That's what I did and I regret it. WW, you just did the usual knee-jerk reaction because we want the OM to know how badly we are hurt. that fact is, he cares not at all. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

I know! You're so right Dazed. I would SUCK at this cuz I would do it on reaction, raw emotion and from my heart - without thinking. Not good I know.

 

Thumbs, ignore my advice...Dazed has it for you. Short sweet and to the point.

[HokeyReligions]

WHY do you want to write a letter to this guy? For what purpose? What do you hope to gain? YOU will be the one initiating contact by writing a letter.

 

Don't do it. It's the equivalent of "you hang up" "No, you hang up first". Write a letter, fill it with your emotions, then tear it up, or put it away for a while, re-read it and then throw it away.

[DazednConfused]

Because it is closure. because it will symbolize for Thumbs that his wife is sincere this time. Of course, she needs to write and they need to adress and send it together.

 

A written No-contact letter is also important documentation in the event that there is stalking or abuse allegations.

 

This is one of the best things they can do for each other to start the process again.

[ThumbingMyWay]

thanks for your advice....

 

I am debating on wether or not to address and send this letter to OM and his wife. I do have there home address. I also have his email address.

 

I am thinking that my wife and I will both sign this letter.

 

I'm just not sure if i should expose this to his wife.....I am torn on this.....part of me wants to just move on....the other part of me wants to expose him to his wife.

 

My wife understands that I am the one to decide this....and she is worried on how a NC letter and exposrue to his wife will affect the situation.....WE have never done this...and we dont know what to do...we dont know what the right thing is to do....

[whichwayisup]

Is it at all possible to call her and tell her? Finding out through a NC letter is gonna probably put her in alot of pain and shock.

 

Anyway, just a suggestion to think about.

[DazednConfused]

well Thumbs,

 

This is your call. In my story, slimebag's wife did call me. I have and will be forever grateful to her for making the call. i most definately deserved to know.

 

Another humble opinion.

[cranium]

Dazed,

Closure is what I also would say. Sorry all of this has happened Thumbs. I'm pretty new here, but for those of you who have read my thread, I can relate.

 

I discovered MW's secret four months ago. We had been in counseling for four months before I found out. She continues to work with OM and although their contact is minimal, I want it to be zero.

[reservoirdog1]

The letter should be from your WW, and signed by her. You must be allowed to approve it before it gets sent, and you should either send it yourself or watch her send it.

 

Make sure that it's as emotionless and cold as possible. It shouldn't say anything about hurt feelings on either her part or yours. You want him to read it and feel like he's just gotten wiped off your shoe and hers, like the dog sh*t he is. Any indication that he still has any emotional hold over either of you is a no-no.

 

It would be different if this was a f*ck you letter written in the context of you and your W splitting up; then you have every right to vent your spleen at him. But here, his irrelevance is the most important thing to demonstrate to him.

 

So, I'd go with the example Dazed gave.

[fleafly]

hey TMW, I hope all is well with you. In my case, my wife wrote a NC letter that I didnt feel appropriate, and I threw it way. While she said some things in it that I appreciated, she also stated that she hoped his family would be ok. While I dp feel for their family, they have two kids 4 and 2, for some reason her writing that pissed me off, it should be more of along the lines of; I realized hope much of a mistake this was, I will never contact you again, do not contact me because I will immediately tell my husband or whatever. I believe I might have seen a generic NC letter on marriagebuilders? that might help you too.

 

Second, I think you have the right to contact OW, if this is bothering you in anyway just look at it as an obligation. She has the right to know first off, and second the OM has to face up to i what he is/was doing to his marriage, plain and simple. I am still in contact with OM's wife, we initially exchanged information, trying to piece everything together, this was crucial to me, as you well know my wife was lying to me about everything from the get go.I remember the night I called her, her initial reaction was very calm. It was almost like she new something was going on, she remembered up at the lake last summer, how my wife was always nervous around her, then she saw them whispering one night, then the constant phone calls from my wife, her husband telling her that she was just a friend that had a ****ty husband. Man writing that makes me wonder what the hell she was thinking with all that information. But the OW Appreciated me coming to her, I can tell you that. She didnt find the need for a NC letter though, my plan was to give it to her personally, let her read it as a reassurance, then have her give it to him. She just feels that it wasnt necessary because Om was firm to her that he would never contact my wife again.

 

Anyways your call, hang in there man.

[letgo]

Marriagebuilders.com has a no contact letter section. Good Luck.

[fleafly]

sorry, saw one on some site, been to so many wasnt to sure, hell it might have even been in a book i picked up.

[Athena]

I believe the NC letter should come from your wife, not you. It thereby states a stronger conviction if coming from the person who was involved (the one with the choice) when SHE cuts off contact, and not a letter from YOU telling him to 'back off.'

 

However, two things: Firstly, my sister-in-law sent her H's OW a lawyer's letter threatening to sue her for "alienation of H's Affections." The threat of legal action frightened the OW, but she immediately phoned up my sister-in-law's H to cry and complain. He was angry at my sister- in- law because he didn't want to give up his "friend" (he didn't admit the full extent of the affair) but in the end the letter did the trick, and the OW backed off. But, in your case, your wife is obviously all for cutting off contact, so it would not be necessary for you to do it on her behalf, besides, it would make a stronger stand coming from her, because then it looks like she Chooses to cut ties, and not doing it just because of you said so. This way it is her choice.

 

Secondly, I requested my H phone his OW and inform her that he had told me about their A, and that she was never to contact him again (I stood next to him while he gave her this message). That phonecall was enough, and she did not contact my H again. Personally, I prefer a phone call to something in writing. You don't want it to backfire on you, eg work wise... Anyway, in your case, I highly doubt OM will stalk your wife, or whatever, because OM was the one to back out of their Affair, first.

 

Regarding your question of whether to tell the OM's wife -- yes, that YOU can do (not your wife). You can phone her up and tell her. Good luck.

[mourningMM]

As an OW, I wrote a number of unsuccessful NC letters. I don't really think that there is a difference between a NC letter from an OW and an NC letter from a betraying spouse. The letter should be all about a person making ga decision about what is right for them. I can tell you what had to happen to make the NC stick....it can't leave a shred of hope. Leave any hope at all and it is like honey to a bear.

 

An obscure point is that actually your wife is also an OW...and that her OM is also a MM. So I think that my advice might work on that level.

 

I think that a no contact letter can only come from a your wife to the OM. If the you have any hand it what it says and how it says it:

 

1) If the OM knows anything about your wife, it will be immediately apparent that the letter is not from her alone.

2) If the letter is not from him/her alone, then there might be some "wiggle room" in the mind of the OM, and there will be continued hope for a rekindling of the romance.

3) If there is even one tiny gap or opening, there will be no closure.

 

I really believe that the letter needs to come from her heart and tell him how she feels about what she has done to herself, and to the ones who she loves and needs in her life. And is should make it clear that she does NOT need him.

 

Here is the hard part...the part that you really don't want to know. This letter will be much more effective with the other person if it acknowledges that the betraying spouse got something that they needed from the affair. THAT SUCKS...NO DOUBT AT ALL THAT SUCKS TO SEE, HEAR, and KNOW. But then it needs to follow up with the honest truth that your wife now wants and expects to be able to get that same thing AND MORE from her husband, and that she is willing to bet her future happiness on the fact that the person they shared their vows with is more trustworthy, and more valuable than the other person will EVER be. And that she hopes MM will find a way to be happy without her....inside his own marriage. It will be even more effective if she uses his wife's name in the letter...to make it hit home that she releasing any ties to HIS WIFE...

 

It would also be useful to give examples that show that there are real benefits to not continuing contact for the other person as well...and real costs associated with any attempt at renewing the relationship.I think it might be effective to include the following points.

 

a) That she is giving you a signed copy of the letter, as well as his wife's contact information.

b) That she is giving you the contact information for the personnel department at her office.

c) That she is aware that you are considering whether there is a good case for pressing charges as outlined above. And that if he has any questions, since she desires no contact from him, she feels it would be appropriate for him to talk directly to you...and give your contact information.