I let him have it...

[Missy0724]

I am in so much pain. I can't believe I've been so stupid and naive. I'm a grown woman. Have had MANY relationships, including a 20 year marriage.

 

I entered into a relationship with someone a year ago. Someone with whom I had an instant connection. And I don't easily emotionally or romantically connect to just anyone. Especially after being hurt from a failed marriage; all that baggage...

 

To keep it short, I met this divorced man online, we instantly connected, we met...instant connection in person. And this rarely happens to me. I am divorced three years, have met probably 50+ men for first, second dates, one other LTR for 10 months prior.

 

He told me he was ready! So we dated, we connected SO deeply, so quickly, the whole deal. You know how it goes...

 

I am in love with him, making him a priority in my life, balancing my job, my teenagers, my job, my friends. Making sure he feels he is a priority to me, since WE agreed to be exclusive.

 

Come to find out, three months in... he still has unresolved feelings for exwife, with whom he was married to for 13 years, known her since he was 15 or 16. I get it. I understand. Was understanding. I was in a 20 year marriage. It's so hard to move on, process all that ****, baggage. I get it.

 

But as time goes by, he is preoccupied with her, his therapy which is talking about her, dealing with his unresolved crap with her, his anger towards her, his anger that she dating. All while he's dating me for 10 months....Hello! wtf

 

I call him on it. Express that it upsets me, it doesn't seem healthy or right that he still obsesssing over her, while choosing to be with me. He tries to explain, I buy it. I want to give it, him, time. Because everything else so great. SO much in common, common interests, energy levels, that connection that you just can't explain, chemistry, great sex, etc. Love being with him. Doing everything. Doing nothing...

 

But eventually I feel like a "second wheel", there is a "ghost" always with us. In the room, on vacation, on our monthly anniversaries, that I told him were important to me, but he "forgot" about... Once I packed a picnic dinner and surprised him on our monthly anniversary, drove us to a pond and set up a romantic dinner, waterside. He was distant. I asked him, what's the matter? He told me he had therapy that day. I asked him, "so, what did you talk about?" He said, "I don't want to share that."

 

That is just ONE example of this man and how he treated me. And I was a COMPLETE IDIOT, BLIND, etc. because he so charming, and tricked me.

 

I guess I was vulnerable and bought into the whole charade.

 

I know now I was a rebound, a "pretty girl" on his arm, to show his exwife, who wants nothing to do with him (but has to, bc they share kids...) that he is still "loveable". All his actions it seemed, are to impress HER, he still cares what SHE thinks. And made me feel second... and I stayed with this *******.

 

Then he breaks up with me, and throws the "lets be close friends" card." Oh, OK. So stupid me, still having hope that maybe I can "change him", make him come around... says, sure!

 

I'm going thru a hard time, just found out dad has cancer, I reach out to him... What does he say? How does he react? He is SO HAPPY! He's bragging about his weekend, that he went out, had a blast, is doing this and that, he has a date..." No questions about my dad... No serious concern about MY feelings at that point. This is 3 weeks post breakup. Bragging and so happy he has a date. "Oh, since you asked, I just want to be honest with you..."

 

Who does that? Please, I am looking for confirmation that I've made the right decision by ending it. NO FRIENDS. Told him today - not going to work for me, bc you have not acted as a friend. You were insensitive post break up.

 

I could go on and on about how insensitive, selfish, huge ego, this man has.

 

And I fell for it. But I ended it today. So much anger. But healthy anger, that made me take action. So I am proud and happy about that. Told him, "NO. No interest in friends. To have a friend, you have to be a friend." And he acted like a 16 year old for so long, especially post break up.

 

Now I understand why people throw the "let's be friends card". It's such BS. Maybe after many months, or years. But 3 weeks!!! And then you can't even back that up with action???

 

Let these losers go. They are not worth our energy or time. Here I am writing about this person who isn't even worth it. But I loved him. Even for a while, yes. Sucks. Shaking my head.

 

Proud of myself today, for taking a stand and saying, NO MORE. NO FRIENDS. For ME.

 

There are SO many selfish people out there. People who only only care about their own self interests. Listen, look, watch. Listen to your gut, your instincts. See those red flags. Don't be blinded by looks, charms, that feeling between your legs... Damn it, if I could save ONE PERSON from someone like him.

 

A narcissistic user. Walk away. Please...

[Missy0724]

Yeah, right now, I ****ing hate him. And that anger is good. Taking him right off that pedestal. Which he NEVER deserved to be on. Told him EXACTLY how I felt. Don't care. Felt good to speak my mind. Don't care what he thinks. Spoke my mind, then blocked him. **** him. He deserves nothing less, after how he treated me. With disrespect, lies, used me, threw me aside.

 

I'm better for it now. Stronger and know I will never tolerate that treatment again. Rather be alone, single, than tolerate someone abusing me, lying to me, to just stroke their own ego, get their needs met. And the fake crap, showing they care, acting as if it's for "me". When it's really to make them selves feel good, boost their own ego.

 

It is amazing the EGO of some people. Sick sick sick.

[Missy0724]

I'm F ing pissed. Emailed him my true thoughts. Was not so nice, but spoke the truth, as it went down. Needed to make my feelings known. Especially bc I told him, NO, to offer of friendship today. Please...

 

He offered "I want to be close friends", two weeks after he broke up with me, 10 month serious relationship. Two weeks after saying, "I love you, I'm in love with you." Really ???

 

Is it understandable I'm bullsh*t? People suck.

[maturityassets]

There is no way you guys could be friends as of right now, let alone ever be close friends in my opinion. Idk your whole story but I'll just say Dumpers hate the idea of losing the dumpees as well. While they don't want to be with them romantically necessarily, there is still a personal connection. The "Ego Boost" they get if they remain in contact with any dumpee is just simply the acceptance they receive from the dumpee (whether it be the fact they are pining over them or genuinely that acceptance received is comforting). He's just afraid of being alone is all. It's a sad position really, they end it but they expect the dumpee to be the one to break all tiees.

 

My best friend recently got dumped by his girl the night before they were suppose to go to Puerto Rico and she still insisted on him going with her anyway. He said no of course and she went anyway. He had to suck up the cost on part of the hotel still.

 

It's ok to vent though. You're hurt and if he doesn't understand that then it doesn't matter how he views you right now or in the future. As long as you can accept what you did and simply live your life, you'll be fine

Edited September 4, 2014 by maturityassets

[Reels]

I'm F ing pissed. Emailed him my true thoughts. Was not so nice, but spoke the truth, as it went down. Needed to make my feelings known. Especially bc I told him, NO, to offer of friendship today. Please...

 

He offered "I want to be close friends", two weeks after he broke up with me, 10 month serious relationship. Two weeks after saying, "I love you, I'm in love with you." Really ???

 

Is it understandable I'm bullsh*t? People suck.

Yes, he might be trying to keep you in his reserve.

[mrty]

Good for you.

[Missy0724]

Well, I made sure there is no chance he ever reaching out to me again. He prob thinks I'm a crazy bit*h. Good. That way I'm ensured he will leave me alone. I know I'm not. I know who he is now. Now two months gone by, rose colored glasses removed. Everything, all the red flags, all the things I ignored, put up with, which yes, my responsibility. I could have walked earlier and did not. I know who I am, too, and my part. I was getting what I wanted and needed, too. In spite of his issues, manipulation of me, head games. I am forgiving myself...

 

And better today! Know it was ok to be real, express my anger. There is healthy anger; that puts you back in control and able to make hard decisions, move forward, make hard changes. He broke up with me. He ended the friendship THAT day. Hopefully in a romantic relationship, two people are great, or best friends! We were. And he chose he didn't want that anymore. But then expects me to just start talking again, as if all ok? "Now that the romantic part of our relationship is over." is how he presented it to me... What do you LSers think of that??? Who says that? Talk about ego?! Power trip?! Ok, sure! So not normal, healthy behavior, IMO. Will never understand. But don't have to.

 

It's great to have this closure. Sad, yes. More difficult days ahead I'm sure, as I let him and the memories go...just takes time. And it is a weight off shoulders. No more feeling in "limbo", wondering if and when he will call? Email? What a waste of energy! On someone so not worth it! Someone who hurt me? That's so unhealthy and codependent! Heart vs head. That constant battle!

 

The head took over. Sure he never expected me to mouth off like that. Never have. I'm a good, sweet person. But you wrong me, disrespect me, oh you'll hear about it. Took me some time to get strong. And stop worrying about if "I'll hurt him or his feelings". Or he'll hate me. Good, hope he does. That way he's out of my life! Freedom! Finally...someone else (god help her) can deal with charm, drama, addictions, "poor me" syndrome, blame everyone else, blame parents, blame ex wife issues, still in love with her, so codependent, no boundaries. What an unhealthy life. I'd rather be single! And happy right now with that! And I'll never be alone...no worries there. I'm a good person with a lot to offer. He took me for granted, screwed up. His choices. I made mine. We both responsible, yes.

 

I take my power back now, my heart back now. I'll be ok. Life goes on...and so will his. And nice to not care how he does that anymore. It's just not with me. Better for us all. Letting go is a gift to myself, him, other people in our lives, new people who will enter our lives... That is healthy! Nothing less!

[johnson_j]

Congrats. The world would be a better place with more people like yourself - willing to tell people how it is and that their games won't be tolerated.

[Keepsake]

well, i made sure there is no chance he ever reaching out to me again. He prob thinks i'm a crazy bit*h. Good. That way i'm ensured he will leave me alone. I know i'm not. I know who he is now. Now two months gone by, rose colored glasses removed. Everything, all the red flags, all the things i ignored, put up with, which yes, my responsibility. I could have walked earlier and did not. I know who i am, too, and my part. I was getting what i wanted and needed, too. In spite of his issues, manipulation of me, head games. I am forgiving myself...

 

And better today! Know it was ok to be real, express my anger. There is healthy anger; that puts you back in control and able to make hard decisions, move forward, make hard changes. He broke up with me. He ended the friendship that day. Hopefully in a romantic relationship, two people are great, or best friends! We were. And he chose he didn't want that anymore. But then expects me to just start talking again, as if all ok? "now that the romantic part of our relationship is over." is how he presented it to me... What do you lsers think of that??? Who says that? Talk about ego?! Power trip?! Ok, sure! So not normal, healthy behavior, imo. Will never understand. But don't have to.

 

It's great to have this closure. Sad, yes. More difficult days ahead i'm sure, as i let him and the memories go...just takes time. And it is a weight off shoulders. No more feeling in "limbo", wondering if and when he will call? Email? What a waste of energy! On someone so not worth it! Someone who hurt me? That's so unhealthy and codependent! Heart vs head. That constant battle!

 

The head took over. Sure he never expected me to mouth off like that. Never have. I'm a good, sweet person. But you wrong me, disrespect me, oh you'll hear about it. Took me some time to get strong. And stop worrying about if "i'll hurt him or his feelings". Or he'll hate me. Good, hope he does. That way he's out of my life! Freedom! Finally...someone else (god help her) can deal with charm, drama, addictions, "poor me" syndrome, blame everyone else, blame parents, blame ex wife issues, still in love with her, so codependent, no boundaries. What an unhealthy life. I'd rather be single! And happy right now with that! And i'll never be alone...no worries there. I'm a good person with a lot to offer. He took me for granted, screwed up. His choices. I made mine. We both responsible, yes.

 

I take my power back now, my heart back now. I'll be ok. Life goes on...and so will his. And nice to not care how he does that anymore. It's just not with me. Better for us all. Letting go is a gift to myself, him, other people in our lives, new people who will enter our lives... That is healthy! Nothing less!

 

you go girl!!!!

[Sugarkane]

Sorry for your loss. This guy shouldn't have been dating at all.

[JDPT]

I'm better for it now. Stronger and know I will never tolerate that treatment again. Rather be alone, single, than tolerate someone abusing me, lying to me, to just stroke their own ego, get their needs met.

 

 

Sadly there are people whose fundamental objective in life is the "what's in it for me" approach, utterly disregarding others needs and wants.

 

 

This experience has certainly worked in your favor, helping you understand that you hold a tremendous amount of value and that you should always hold yourself at high regards. Balancing that and a relationship is often difficult as we get lost and neglect so much while in a relationship, however, you reached a point where you understand and acknowledge your worth.

 

 

I too understood after coming out of a 4.5 year relationship roughly 1.5 years ago that I played the role of a doormat in that relationship. I gave it my all, always, and all I got in return where breadcrumbs here and there. And the sad part was that I was content with that, well not anymore. I know now what I'm worth and as stated previously hold myself at very high regards. I now have standards and expectations when I finally decide to embark in a new relationship.

 

 

Absolutely nothing remains stagnant in life. Life goes on and so will you. Take this as another lesson in life that worked beautiful in your favor, it's certainly an eye opener. Continue to power through this.

[BC1980]

It sounds like you knew what was going on the entire time, but you hoped he would change. I get it. I was there for 3 years with someone, and the anger was great after the fact. Next time, be smarter and stop dead weight when it becomes apparent what is going on.

 

I don't know how you are going to feel in a few weeks after that tirade though. I wouldn't have done that personally because it's throwing a lot of energy into someone who doesn't care. I think you might feel even lower later on because it's obvious that you still care deeply about him.

[anika99]

Missy I had a look at your prior threads, including one where you said you became aware of your exes unresolved marriage just a month into seeing him. This guy obviously isn't ready for a serious relationship and that perfectly normal for someone who is just ending a long marriage. It doesn't make him an evil or immoral person. By reading your prior posts it sounds like this guy was pretty open and honest with you about his feelings for his wife the entire time which is a good thing. Many guys wouldn't be that upfront.

 

 

I don't mean to defend him but I think it will help you in your future relationships to learn from this relationship and recognize where maybe you had some responsibility for your choices too. If you are looking for a long term meaningful relationship then steer clear of guys who are newly separated or newly divorced. When a guy shows any signs of still being emotionally entangled with an ex then run the other way. These aren't evil narcissistic men, they just aren't ready to settle down with a new person yet. Some of them might try to grab onto you because they want someone to comfort them and help them feel less alone but that's just because they are going through the pain and fear of losing a long standing relationship. They are in a confused state and don't really know their true feelings.

 

 

Being friends immediately upon ending the relationship usually doesn't work. People who want to transition to friendship right away are either not really emotionally attached to the other person (your ex) and so see the change to friendship as a convenient way to keep you in their life or they are agreeing to friendship in the hopes of getting the romantic relationship back (you).

 

 

This guy was waving his red flags from the rooftops right from the beginning. He was surprisingly honest and upfront with you almost right from the start. You can't build a good relationship on fantasies and wishes. People are who they are and you have to accept that. Don't waste anymore of your emotions and time on this guy, he is never going to be the person you want him to be. He's not the devil, he's just not your Mr. Right.

[Missy0724]

Yes, of course I still have feelings for him. They don't just go away over night, even when we discover a person, a situation is wrong for us, and we get out. And the anger is part of the mourning process, as this is like a death in some ways... I am fine with speaking my mind. Because it is the truth of his actions and just wanted him know exactly what he did, my perspective, bc his is probably different due to his lack of empathy, lack of tools to love intimately. Maybe part of me wanted to spell it out, so just maybe he could see some truth in it some day, and learn from it. And not treat someone like that again. I realize that's not my "job" or concern, but this was a person, a relationship where we gave or tried to give each other a lot of support (both divorced, baggage, exes, kids, etc.) and advice. We were great friends. Perhaps probably should have only been friends from the get go...

 

Any way - I feel fine with it, bc no one is perfect, we all do things sometimes that may not be nice. But for once, I spoke my mind, for MY benefit. Yes, after being a doormat, a rebound relationship. I knew certain things, some I did not. He kept some things from me, which I realized at end of relationship and also these past couple of months. I was always 100% forthcoming with him. Because I have nothing to hide, no shame, had a pretty amicable divorce, was ready for a relationship. He in very different position. Yes, I believed in time, he would get over ex wife. He told me he would. I almost ended it earlier, and he asked me to give him more time. So I did. I loved him and believed in him. But he choose not to take necessary steps to move past ex, his past. Did not change his life in a way to make distance with her, and make me a priority.

 

I now realize if he wanted to, he would have. He is an addict. He is probably unintentionally keeping ties with her, to keep her in his life. Just like SO many people do! As we well know!

 

I'm good with it all. I finally realized what I saw, was what I got. Only he can change, for himself. And if he wanted same kind of relationship as I, he would have heard me, my concerns, my needs, etc. Work as a healthy team. Make each other a priority and make sure we make person we love, feel that with our actions, decisions.

 

We were not on the same page. I accept that. I am forgiving myself for being a doormat, for not bowing out earlier. But it's all water under the bridge. It's over now! All that matters! And each day I'm more and more ok with that! Because he's off that pedestal! And he's a human, imperfect person, just like me. And he has only been in two serious relationships. He has a lot more growing to do... Just not with me. And finally I'm ok with that and have excepted it.

 

Releasing that anger, set me free. Maybe it's not for everyone, but very therapeutic for me. Know he knows how I truly feel and not happy with him, glad it's over. So we can both let go. I know him. He wanted to be friends to keep hanging onto me. I was his best friend. He does not have many friends. So I also did it for him. To set him free. So he can find someone better suited for him. It ain't me! Live and learn! It's all good...

[Missy0724]

Yes, Anika, you are correct in much you say. Thank you. I do realize this. There are just many details I have not posted here.

 

But yes, that is the lesson I have learned! No more newly divorced men. Unless they can honestly explain the details and if both people are over each other. Not hide things from me, only tell me certain things. Not saying, "I can't talk about it." Which was a common statement I got from ex. Yes, first time I heard that, should have ended things. Also many other manipulative things he did. He has a very troubled background and many other issues besides not over ex. I am from major dysfunction myself, so I understand that is why we initially bonded. That and the chemistry, his charm, he swept me off my feet. We both should have gone much slower! Yes, both responsible for that. I backed off at times, gave him his space, but then he would get needy. It was confusing...

 

Like I said, much much more to the story...

 

But thanks for reading my story! And all the opinions, advice. I have taken something from all the responses and it helped my moving forward and seeing things clearly! And that's a great thing! So grateful!

 

I'm getting better each day. Now that he's out of my life. Of course I miss him. But I miss the GOOD parts. And that is not reality or how things would be if we stayed together. It's for the best. My head knows this. My heart is finally catching up...But I have feelings and he hurt them, by not doing his work to heal from his exW. His choice. And for being insensitive, intimacy issues, addictions. At this point in his life, he does not have the tools, the ability to be in a healthy relationship. He knows this. And knows his marriage, relationship now with ex wife is very unhealthy. And he just can't move forward, make amends with her, forgive her for divorcing him (when he cheated on her) This is main reason why we fell apart. Yes, very sad. Because we had so much potential! If he could change! Vicious circle... it would never have worked...

 

Each relationship teaches US so much! I'm lucky to have loved and been loved. Many times in my life. Just puts us closer to a better, a healthier relationship in the future. IF we learn the lessons and yes, apply them moving forward, next time we meet people, begin to date. :-)

[BridgetGrey]

Being friends immediately upon ending the relationship usually doesn't work. People who want to transition to friendship right away are either not really emotionally attached to the other person (your ex) and so see the change to friendship as a convenient way to keep you in their life or they are agreeing to friendship in the hopes of getting the romantic relationship back (you).

 

 

This guy was waving his red flags from the rooftops right from the beginning. He was surprisingly honest and upfront with you almost right from the start. You can't build a good relationship on fantasies and wishes. People are who they are and you have to accept that. Don't waste anymore of your emotions and time on this guy, he is never going to be the person you want him to be. He's not the devil, he's just not your Mr. Right.

 

 

 

I learned the hard way. Being friends with your ex take the the not dwelling on the past and being hurt by what he did to you the crap he pulled during the relationship ....

Yes also I learned you can not build a lasting relationship on a fantasy and get overally attached to someone who isn't stable with commitment issues.

 

 

You can't ever see those things coming I guess. I genuinely think for everyone sanity should go no contact for months and then from there after moving on and the anger will be less you can be friends talk every month on a FB chat or just emails or maybe even a Skype hour lol But it takes time.

[anika99]

Oh so his wife divorced him because he was cheating on her? Well that's a huge flag. Add that to your list of things to avoid. Don't get serious about anybody who has cheated unless it was many many years ago and you're convinced that the guy has grown and learned from his mistakes.

[Missy0724]

Thank you, Anika99.

 

It is amazing how we logically knows these things in our brains...but for me, the strong strong instant emotional connection took over, when I met him. He told me some of his issues when I met him, be assured me he was good. In therapy, yoga, blah blah blah. Doing all these things that meant he ready to date! After a few weeks, it was he coming on SO strong, wanting to be exclusive. I was leery of course, have some trust issues of my own...but because he seemed to being honest with me, I gave it my all and decided to give him a chance. Which I did...and things going great!

 

Three months in is when the "not over ex" came up. He kind of forget to tell me that in the beginning, when he was being "honest." By then I was already crazy about him, very attached to him, and him to me. I backed off a bit, not sure what to do. We talked about it. He said he was sorry, but he was doing all the "work" to move forward. Which, yes, he was doing many things. But he wasn't taking "action" to back it up. He was not taking advice of therapist, he did not know how to set new boundaries with her. It was as if he wanted to keep her at arm's length. Yes, he was, is addicted to her. He has a lot of addiction issues. Including sex, how he used to view women. A very complicated, conflicted man. But he let on that he was "better", he "gets it now", and trying to "prove" that with all these new life behaviors. Not sure if they were, are genuine...Or if he trying to prove to ex wife he's changed. I know for a fact when he was dating me, probably about six months in, he still wondering if there was a chance of reconciliation with the ex wife.

Yeah, I know - FOOL. (me) Live and learn... He's VERY codependent, low self esteem, self love issues. But I saw something in him! Believed in him! I guess I just do that - try to see the best in people, believe we all have that! And he was trying, it seemed. But after 10 months - we going around in circles. He still not over her. The once a week therapy not helping, it seemed. After two years. He still SO angry at HER. For leaving him, not being his "friend", for getting good deal in the divorce, bc his state is "fault" and she took him to the bank, because of what he did to her and their family. Four young kids! :-( I don't blame her. And he was angry the whole time we dating, that she was dating someone new. WTF, yes red flag. BIG ONE. I was just trying to be understanding and compassionate that yes, it takes time to get over someone! I get it! Especially someone you've been involved with for over 20 years! Not easy. But it was just too much involvement, too much drama, no boundaries. You can care about your ex, be amicable, but you need to set new boundaries, have that separation. They could not do that. They feeding off of each other still. He felt an obligation to "still take care of her" because of what he did to her. The shame and guilt - and she uses that against him to this day, to get what she wants...very manipulative. So I felt badly for him. He in tough spot. Too much drama and codependency. But he learned that from his parents. Really sick, unhealthy situation all around. Tons of money, money used to manipulate people, get what they want, use others, no rules or boundaries. This is how he raised... and he allows it to define him. Not my style or anything I'm used to. Crappy values IMO. Glad I'm done with that, away from that! I don't mean to judge, but if you only knew... some crazy stuff!

 

But for some reason, and this is what I'm trying to figure out!...I fell for him, loved him, understood him, felt badly for him in some ways. He did charm me into his heart. I am struggling now with if he truly loved, cared for me, or if it was more of a lust thing, an addiction for him. He has major intimacy issues, cannot connect with people on a deep level. I was the best friend he's ever had. Hard to understand all of it. It's pretty complicated. Or maybe it's not. I don't know...

 

Thanks for listening. Still processing it all. It did do a number on me for some reason. Like no other relationship. And I was married for 20 years. That divorce was nothing like this !!! So bizarre... But I'm good and happy to be out of that situation. Still hurt, still angry. But that is OK. I'm allowed...

:-)

[Missy0724]

BINGO - He did NOT convince me he healthy and ready for relationship.

 

By his actions, words, obsession with ex, his past. I was vulnerable, and gave in to his charm, things we did together, all our common interests, he swept me off my feet, cooked for me, took me on nice vacations. Threw the money around. Which ok, to be honest, was nice for a change, to be "taken care of". Nice to be with someone where it was "easy" and fun, able to do so much, because money not an option. I'll be honest. Not that that was why I was with him, but it made him attractive! Last BF before him was a cheat skate. lol

 

And he SO SO charming, so attractive, sexy, that chemistry! Things he said to me, sweet nothings, I love you after every conversation, texts all day, called me all the time...

 

But yup, that wore out...all his unresolved issues came to a head. He was "stuffing" all of his issues, I was such a great distraction! But that doesn't last long... He thought because now that he "had me"...I would be ok with his addiction to wife, addiction to other things, I would feel sorry for him, and his situation. I should accept all that, because I am his "friend" and I love him!

 

And all is OK, because he going to therapy, he in a relationship with me. So all must be OK? He was happy! He was getting what he wanted and needed! Yeah, his cake and eat it, too.

 

He continued to ask me for more time, continued to tell me he loved me, he introduced me to his kids, his mother, make it seem like we were moving forward, we could deal with issues. We were talking about them. He was trying to share. But every time he bitched about his ex, complained about her, told me, "I can't tell you what I talked about in therapy today.", told me he still dreaming about her, told me he was going to start helping her take care of a new dog she got, talked about her and their vacation right in front of me, to other people (on OUR supposed romantic vacation!) - I was hurt. I would bring it up, my feelings, try to solve the issue, what can we do? Told him I'm trying to be understanding...but what you are saying is hurtful to me! Why are you not distancing yourself from her? I know you share kids, but there must be something you can do!!! Set new boundaries. He would bitch to me, so I would try to give him advice. Then he would get mad at me! Turn around on me...say he can't help it, this way he feels...he's trying!!!

 

So I started pulling away. Took a break once. Didn't want to continue. But god, he was one of my best friends. So So hard. So he pulled away, too. Vicious circle. And it just went down hill.

 

It was bound to. I know that now. It would have never worked. Not in the state he's in. He has SO much work to do, to heal and mature. And only HE can do that. And hopefully he has learned that he must do that ALONE.

 

Very hurtful 3 weeks after break up, he bragging about having a date. As a friend I asked him, "are you sure you ready for that???" He said, "We'll see!" and all excited, happy.

 

Yeah, so I'm a bit angry. Probably more so at myself. At my age, and with my experience, I should have know better. I am moving forward to forgive myself. That is my main concern right now. Have learned SO much about him, even as confusing he is to me. I can't keep trying to figure him out...Just hard to let go when you did love someone. No matter if it was a wrong choice or not. We fall in love. Sometimes we cannot help that. It just happens. We just need to learn how to fall OUT of love with them. And in time and hard work, we will... :-)

[BridgetGrey]

Once again Missy as you tell me yeah we blame ourselves. Damn how did we not see it the red flags. They were not relationship material from the get to go why did we allow it to get this far to us crying over them and feeling as if we need them ?

 

 

The answer is you can't help it sometime. However, I see now no contact and I know he respect my wishes is the best option he can't be my friend right now.I said goodbye to him as he left the region to the other side of the world I think that put the final nail in the coffin as he will forget me I'm sure and it may take a long time but I will get there.

[Missy0724]

Yes, Bridget, you will get there. And you will move on. This person, this experience was just a stepping stone in your journey. As mine was...

These experiences happen to make us see OURSELVES, and to grow.

 

We cannot see the lessons when we are in them. Because we are so wrapped up in the relationship, trying to make it work. I know for me, I am not a quitter. I try and try and try. When I love someone, I am loyal, understanding, communicate the best I can. And understand we all have issues, baggage, none of us are perfect! I personally am not drawn to people, to men, who "seem" so perfect, no issues, etc. That is not reality. We all have our "stuff". But we all different, too and all drawn to whom we are drawn to. Our habits.

 

I think we need to think hard and deep about our habits, our past experiences, choices, relationships. Even write things down. Where we have been unhappy, what things have not worked out, and why. Not only about the other person, but about OURSELVES. We can only change ourselves and our choices.

 

Let them be. Right now it's healthy and needed to think of the negative, the bad things, the reasons why it was broken.

 

Some day (not today, but maybe tomorrow) we will remember the good times, because of course there were some, or we would not have been with them, loved them. I saw good in my ex. There is good in him. But the way he connects with people, treats them, his values, his communication, some ways he lives his life, I do not agree with. I see that now. I was blinded the whole time in the relationship, bc we so busy pleasing each other, having fun, pushing so many issues to the side, ignoring them. Then when they came up, he does not have to tools to stick it out, work on them, see his own faults, say Sorry, take personal responsibility. SO many people cannot do that, are not mature enough to look in the mirror. I suppose bc it's too painful? Or easier to blame another? I believe in being brutally honest. With myself and with others. Just a good way to live, IMO. But that comes with age, experience, and maturity. And CHOICE.

 

When he and I met, we at different stages of our lives. I far ahead of him on my journey, ready for a relationship, able to give and receive. He was not. BIG PROBLEM. I wanted to build a future with someone. He not ready. He has too many doors he needs to close. And he has young children to focus on. He should not have been dating. He had just been divorced. Just been away at rehab. Yes, my choice to be with him, give him a chance. I saw good in him. I saw a light in him. I liked how he trying to change his life, become a better person. I believed he was. I still believe perhaps he is. I am just not convinced due to 10 months with him and watching his choices, behaviors, interaction with me, other people, kids, ex wife, etc. It takes time to truly know someone.

 

They are not evil people. Maybe did not even intentionally hurt us? Maybe just flawed men, without the experience, tools, ability to love in a healthy way. Or to be in a healthy relationship. I know my exBF could not. As he has never really been in one. All of his relationships have been unhealthy and codependent. It is up to him to change, and change the dynamics of his life. And my responsibility to do the same, for me.

 

This is why I have learned and hope to pass on this lesson to you, and anyone else going thru this, and reading this...

 

TAKE TIME. Do not rush. No sex for a while. Make a commitment to YOU, to YOUR HEART and your precious body. You, your time, is prize. Don't just give it to anyone. Make them earn it. With time, respect, communication, caring and loving actions. NOT WORDS. Words are so easy to say. I was tricked with works... a painful lesson indeed. I don't throw around, "I love you". No one should. Or sex. Been there, done that. No more.

 

Learn that if someone overbearing, too needy, or expecting too much of you, red flag. No one is perfect, and we have all made bad choices in life. But there are some that are more than "mistakes". Cheating on someone multiple times is not a "mistake". Maybe once, and if you are young...sure, I get that. But when we become adults and you CHOSE to cheat on someone you are in a committed relationship with, many times, and lie... That is a character flaw, sorry. They say cheaters aren't "doing it to the other person", but only to themselves, because of their own issues - but that is BS. If you do anything you wouldn't want your partner, this person you say you love and is your friend, to know - that is LYING. And disrespectful. And that is not love at all.

 

Become friends first. Learn about each other. What their dreams are, what they want for the future, their values, how they treat others, their ex, their parents, their kids, what makes them cry, what makes them so so happy.

 

Make sure you are on the same page with all this stuff. Forget about the sex. That is so superficial and should come later when intimacy is really there, because you really know each other.

 

Unless you just looking to casually date, for FWB or whatever - fine. What two consenting adults do is their business. Just make sure you are REALLY on the same page. Be honest with yourself and what you can handle. And what you truly want as far as a relationship is concerned...Make sure other person wants the same! And is READY! Don't listen to their words. Fine, if they want to say that, great. But watch their actions... Please trust your instincts and walk away once you feel "off", uncomfortable, unhappy. Or if this person not being nice and respectful to you. We all deserve that!

 

Treat others how you would want to be treated! And don't settle for less.

 

Better to be alone, than with the wrong person!!!

 

But also understand reality is, we may go thru a bunch of "wrong" persons, before we find that "right" person. So we kinda have to suck it up, love again, hurt again... wash, rinse, repeat. And we will get closer and closer to becoming great people ourselves, and then be able to share a life with another great person, who is also ready!!! That takes time!

 

I tell my boys - DO NOT get married until you are in your 30's ! haha. Get educated, see the world, work, live with friends, lovers, be in a lot of relationships... You will be better for it, in the long run... Or don't even get married at all! Nothing wrong with that either! Do what is best for YOU!

[BridgetGrey]

Missy, I do see there was good times in the relationship and sometime I do not miss the pressure and stress that came with it or even him. However, I lost my best friends for 2 years and yes people walk in and out of our lives , but it does not mean that it did not pain me once again to let go of him as left the region it was like he really gone feeling ...

 

I think your ex was not ready and just wanted to fill a void in him and he loved you of course, but his issues came first. The ex-wife and the other issues. He is man at the end of the day ...

In my case he wasn't ready for a committed relationship either and neither was I I'm 23 and he is 26. We both were just attracted to each other , so we ignored realities such as the long distance and different live stages.

 

Nevertheless, again he is a great friend but as a boyfriend I just think he is repeating a pattern of entering into relationship and never committing to one. Am I judging him harshly? Yes maybe because he told me never wanted marriage and he had a bad childhood as his mom died at 10 and his stepmom abused him and his Dad was too busy marrying other women . But I do believe for him he can't stick around and commit , so when madness or problems occurs in his relationship he will end walking away.

 

 

Yes one day I will forget and I may even meet a great guy that will make me not remember his name.

[Missy0724]

I know it's SO hard...I understand. All we can do now is just take one day at a time, keep busy, try to keep our minds off of them. It's so so hard.

 

I was in your position, at your age. Had a best friend at 16, he was 20. He was my first love as well. He wanted to get serious, gave me a "pre-engagement ring". He was a wonderful human being, young man. But I left home, to also go across the world. Lived in Japan for a year, and other places around the world, California for a few years. I had to do "my thing", for me. Thank goodness, in spite of how much I loved him, and hated going away from him, I knew it was the best thing for both of us. And if we were meant to be, we would get back together at some point. I knew that I stayed where I was, married him at 18, or even 20 or so, we would be divorced in the future. I just knew it, because I had enough sense that that is way too young to be married! I loved him enough to say, "see you later..." We never officially broke up. We stayed in contact thru snail mail (no email or cell phones in the 1980's!) for a while...he was a great, supportive friend to me. He also knew it was the right thing, as hard as it was... Our lives went on...And we never spoke again.

 

Fast forward 15 years and we reconnected thru a mutual friend, spoke on phone, caught up on our lives! Pretty neat! He had already been divorced! I was married with a baby. Nice to just connect. Then we lost touch. 10 years later or something like that, we found each other on Facebook! He is remarried, with four children! Has a great wife, great kids, family! So cool and so happy for him! We don't have much contact on FB, but it's great to see his kids! And that he has a good life.

 

It was a very good thing we both said goodbye, is my point... :-)

 

I was married for 20 years, to a man who became my best friend, and that fell apart three years ago. Well, actually years before our legal divorce, but I was staying for the kids, bc I didn't want to hurt them, or him, or face the immense changes that would come with a divorce. But I did it. And I moved past him. And I loved again!

 

So I know it hurts now. I am hurting, too, due this recent break up. It is hard to lose someone we loved, no matter the circumstances...But sometimes it's for the best, is my point I suppose.

 

I guess all it comes down to is, did you both want the same things? It sounds like you didn't. And that's really hard to face when someone is your best friend, when at some point, you DID want the same things.

 

But the reality is, just being brutally honest and some tough love here - is that people DO change, and what people WANT, changes, especially when in their 20's. I've been there, so this is experience speaking...

 

Maybe some point in the future you will reconnect, be friends again? But that cannot be right now. It's SO hard to face. I am doing the same. Except I am coming the conclusion bc of my own situation, this person, I do NOT want to be friends with him. Not now, and maybe not in the future. But the future is not my concern. TODAY is, and getting thru today. And being happy for me, the best I can, TODAY. Letting him go, find his way, grow on his own... Just as I must continue doing. We never stop growing! And we never should!

 

I hope you feel better in the days ahead and can try to find a new perspective some how. I am trying to be thankful I've been loved, and have loved. Some people do not get that opportunity or chance... And there are people in such worse situations than us... Life is so short. We have to try to find some gratitude and thankfulness in each day. That really helps...

 

I'm sorry you have lost your best friend. It sucks... Do you have good girlfriends to hang with, support you? Family? I hope so... :-) We must lean on them during this time, as well... We ARE loved! You are loved!

 

I hope you did something good, nice for YOU today! :-)

[BridgetGrey]

Missy --He was 26 and he basically told NEVER when it comes to marriage. He was experienced and he seen the world and he had a stable job back then and he was in love with me back then to a point where he flew all the way to see me. I do not blame him for wanting to do what suits him such as pressuring a career in a different country and not wanting to take up responsibility. I think he needs to grow emotionally and not to repeat a pattern of entering into relationships without committing because it's for him one day he will end faced with all of his issues 10 or 20 years later ...

 

I even told him I was too young for you and I need to be without you I seen this perspective for the past months how we wouldn't be happy together because me committing myself to a serious relationship at my early 20's and a long distance one would been a torture. However, letting go is always painful ..

 

As you said Missy in our 20's we should not take more responsibility, but rather enjoy live travel meet new people.

He lives half away across the world I think we may recontact as friends despite all the pain that went down one day and to be fair to him he checked on my mom and he still care about me he just does not want to be with me.

Edited September 8, 2014 by BridgetGrey

[Sugarkane]

As women I think we're socialized more toehold onto a relationship, a lot more. It's changing but slowly.