grays Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 and I'm curious to know if it's as obvious as I think it is that he should just go f*ck himself or if y'all actually think he's got a leg to stand on. I am really not sure. I totally admit that my judgement may be clouded. So here's the deal... We were married for 25 years. I was really happy with him (and don't I feel like an idiot now!) and then he starts staying out until 4:30 in the morning repeatedly and saying stupid sh*t like "can't a man and a woman just be friends?" Well, he never stayed out with one of his man friends until 4:30, not even once let alone a half a dozen times. Since he moved out of the bedroom 3 months ago, they have been going out a couple of times a week and he usually gets home around 6 am. (We have kids and are still living in same house, separate rooms.) He doesn't want anyone to know that we're split. He's told his parents and his therapist and the OW, that's it. He has friends he sees regularly that he hasn't told, very close old friends that he's flown to the other coast to visit who he hasn't told, all of his work people... Today, the kids started at a new school and he picked them up and found out that one of the kids in one of our kids' classes is the child of one of his students (he's a prof) and he ran into one of the other profs from his school who's kids go there. Now he's spooked! What if people find out????!!!! He doesn't want anyone to know for two main reasons: he's just a private person, doesn't talk about very personal stuff with others much and he wants to protect the OW who is even more private than he is. He's been having this emotional affair with her for 3 1/2 years now and he doesn't even know how old she is or if she's ever kissed anyone (yeah, apparently they just like to stay up all night together, no hanky panky, whatever!). So, now he wants me to keep it all hush, hush at the kids' school. The thing is that I'm a very open book kinda person and I want everyone to know at least that we're not together (I'm not as hell bent that they know about OW). I am totally in dating mode now, and I'm hoping to meet a hot dad! But even if that were not the case, I am just very open and it's not my style to keep anything quiet. I do think that I will consider how anything I say could affect the kids. Like, I don't want the kids to know about OW, so I'm not going to shout it from the mountain tops or talk about it in front of them. If I tell someone, it will be someone I trust not to be so open w it that I have to worry about the kids. But seriously??? Should I feel like I have to protect the OW??? We've known each other for the last six years, she knows my kids, knew me through my last pregnancy, been to my birthday party (ugh). I don't see where she felt any great need to protect me here. I kinda feel like they've made their bed here. If they didn't want to be perceived as *ssholes, they shouldn't have acted like *ssholes.
OffRail Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 (edited) But seriously??? Should I feel like I have to protect the OW??? We've known each other for the last six years, she knows my kids, knew me through my last pregnancy, been to my birthday party (ugh). I don't see where she felt any great need to protect me here. I kinda feel like they've made their bed here. If they didn't want to be perceived as *ssholes, they shouldn't have acted like *ssholes. This ! You don't owe them a damn thing. Two consenting adults made their bed together, so let them just lie in it and wallow in it. Your hubby has some nerve telling you to keep his straying under the wraps. They didn't protect you or your feelings by running around together, behind your back, so you don't owe them any favors. I hoped you laughed long and hard to his face and asked, "Are you ****ing kidding me ?" when he asked you to "protect" him (and her) !!! What a loser jerk... !!! Edited September 4, 2014 by OffRail
CarrieT Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 One big question: Why haven't you kicked him out of the house if he is already seeing someone else? Lastly, expose, Expose, EXPOSE!
Ronni_W Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Completely different circumstances, but I also kept our separation quiet because he wasn't ready to tell anyone about it. Problem was. When I started dating, people who didn't know the first thing about anything decided that I was cheating on him. (We also lived separately but in the same house.) Worse (more hurtful) for me was that he did not correct the people with the wrong perception of our situation. So...from my own experience, no...do not keep it quiet just because that will help him to feel more comfortable. It's fine if HE does not want to tell anyone, but you can assure that you stay free to tell whomever you want for whatever reason you want. (Which I did, and like you intend, also only entrusted my private information to closest, most trusted friends and family.)
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