Mik12 Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 So I'll try to make this as short and concise as I can, basically about 3 1/2 years ago I was still pining for my first ex when I met my last ex. They were acquaintances so at the time I figured me dating her would make my first ex jealous. It did but in the end I fell in love with her and stopped caring about the first girl, we had a wonderful 2 1/2 years together traveled the world and even bought a dog. She dumped me a year ago and jumped into a new relationship shortly after. Fast forward to today and the same thing has happened, I started seeing an acquaintance of my last ex but this time I can't seem to shake my feelings for the ex. Even though I probably wasn't ready when I started seeing the current girl I figured the same thing would happen with her as it did with the last one. I already know you guys are going to tell me to cut this girl loose and you're probably right but I'm thinking maybe in time I'll fall for her like I did for the last one. At the same time part of me wants to get in touch with my ex since we haven't spoken in a year and I'm feeling really nostalgic about our relationship. Deep down I already know what I should do but I'm looking for insight more than advice as to how to proceed. Thanks for reading.
Author Mik12 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Opinions anyone? I'm thinking it might be an ego thing as the only difference with what is happening now and the first time is that the ex didn'T come back. Maybe I just feel like I haven't had "closure", how much of a bad idea would writing a short non-emotional e-mail be?? We haven't spoken since the breakup a year ago.
Standard-Fare Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 How long have you been dating the latest girl? What sort of feelings do you have for her? If you give it time do you think you'll have a shot at developing something serious, or do you truly feel nothing for her? As far as the ex, let's leave that out of the equation. She dumped you, it's been a year, and she's dating someone else, so you already know it's best to leave that one alone. Keep focused on whether or not you want to continue the relationship with this new girl.
Tayken Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 If you are still not over your ex, that tells me that you are not ready to be dating at all. Additionally, it is not fair on the new girl and put yourself in her position. You need to be true to yourself, and do what is right for both of you. 1
Author Mik12 Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 How long have you been dating the latest girl? What sort of feelings do you have for her? If you give it time do you think you'll have a shot at developing something serious, or do you truly feel nothing for her? As far as the ex, let's leave that out of the equation. She dumped you, it's been a year, and she's dating someone else, so you already know it's best to leave that one alone. Keep focused on whether or not you want to continue the relationship with this new girl. I've been dating her for 5 months now, with my last ex it took a good 2 1/2 months for me to really start having feelings for her. As far as the ex goes I'm not buying it, I don't think she has with this guy what we had just based on things that I've heard about them. I also know she was really bothered when she heard I was seeing this girl, she's just so non-confrontational and proud that she would never reach out to me. How bad would sending a short light hearted message really be?
me85 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 Do not contact the ex. You are in a RS with someone else and so is she. If you enjoy spending time with the new girl, then by all means, spend time with her. However, if I were you, I would tell the new girl that things between you and her are moving quickly and that you'd like to revert back to a slower pace. Maybe not in those words but figure it out. It needs to be done. Or else, yes, I think you should cut her loose. Or you could do what most people do and that's suddenly become distant and unable to hang out as much. But that's just a coward's way...
stillafool Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 I really think you need to be alone for a while at this point. Also stop dating your exes acquaintances. There are plenty of women out there so don't s-it where you eat. Also when you get involved with people for the wrong reasons no good ever comes from it. 2
Author Mik12 Posted September 10, 2014 Author Posted September 10, 2014 Do not contact the ex. You are in a RS with someone else and so is she. If you enjoy spending time with the new girl, then by all means, spend time with her. However, if I were you, I would tell the new girl that things between you and her are moving quickly and that you'd like to revert back to a slower pace. Maybe not in those words but figure it out. It needs to be done. Or else, yes, I think you should cut her loose. Or you could do what most people do and that's suddenly become distant and unable to hang out as much. But that's just a coward's way... Why is contacting the ex always seen as such a bad idea? What if she actually keeps it for herself and gives me a response. What if she's feeling nostalgic but she thinks I don't care anymore. I don't really see what I have to lose in trying. Just want to get people's input on this.
Bfef Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Unfortunately, your Ex is your Ex. Nothing will convince her to come back to you, at some point she stopped loving you and that was that. Even if you did get together it would be transient, unrewarding and short-lived. She is gone, you are done with that. Going No Contact is for you to heal and move on, accept that you are now strangers and there is no point in thinking about her or what she is up to. Sending a message now would reverse all the work you have done to rebuild your life without her and set you back to day one. Some day you will be able to think positively about the time you shared with her without feelings of longing. That is the moment to start dating again. 1
Purepony Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Lets think about this. You contact the ex and she writes back. 1.if its good are you ready to try again with the ex? 2. If she shuts you down are you ready to go thru the pain again? 3. What's wrong with the new girl?
mightycpa Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 3. What's wrong with the new girl? She's not the ex.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 Eh in my view NC can keep all those feelings of longing and fantasy alive. If you are giving the ex this much head space, contact her, let her reject you and this will make you wake up and smell the coffee. 1
azureorb Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 (edited) They were acquaintances so at the time I figured me dating her would make my first ex jealous. It did but in the end I fell in love with her and stopped caring about the first girl, we had a wonderful 2 1/2 years together traveled the world and even bought a dog. She dumped me a year ago and jumped into a new relationship shortly after. This was the first time before doing the same thing again -- cozying up with an "acquaintance" to date her to make the ex jealous. Luckily, it panned out for you as you got into an LTR. Good. BUT, when that ended, you decided to give it another go-round... Fast forward to today and the same thing has happened, I started seeing an acquaintance of my last ex but this time I can't seem to shake my feelings for the ex.It's not always going to work the way it did before. Why? It's an EXCEPTION that you non-platonically hang out with a gal to make an ex jealous that it actually turns into something You Want. Your first situation was more of a rarity when you pine over an ex. Your #1 goal is to forget about the Ex. This new dating situation isn't cutting it. Tell this new girl that you're not ready for a relationship as you're still grappling in the back of your mind about an ex, and you've done the hop-skip-and-jump from one relationship to another -- and at some point, it doesn't work -- and it's not right now. You don't want to lead her on, and you can't argue if she wants to totally step away from you -- but you'd like to keep it as casually seeing each other, without any intentions of rolling into anything serious at all... at least for now & the near future. DON'T TRY AND JUGGLE. As you point out, it's not working right now. What do you think actually interacting with your Ex is going to do? Finding closure -- and ONLY closure (NOT keeping-in-touch with ex) -- is one thing, if that's ALL your emotions would need. That would be a good thing maybe, if you feel your ex was game for that and you Know there wasn't any closure. Besides that, end things with the new girl or keep it casual-dating... while NOT even contacting your ex, and also AIM to Forget about her. Casually date other girls -- focus on enjoying the grass on the other side of the fence, in the casual dating market for a while. The reason your thoughts are stuck on your ex is because thoughts of the small window of opportunity to maybe get back together eats away at you. Or to be around her, etc. All while this new girl isn't enough for you! STOP THAT. You've moved on from a serious Ex before -- you know logically how things are. #1: Focus on dropping feelings of/about the ex #2: Step away and/or make casual-at-most with new girl #3: Meet new girls Edited September 10, 2014 by azureorb 1
Author Mik12 Posted September 12, 2014 Author Posted September 12, 2014 This was the first time before doing the same thing again -- cozying up with an "acquaintance" to date her to make the ex jealous. Luckily, it panned out for you as you got into an LTR. Good. BUT, when that ended, you decided to give it another go-round... It's not always going to work the way it did before. Why? It's an EXCEPTION that you non-platonically hang out with a gal to make an ex jealous that it actually turns into something You Want. Your first situation was more of a rarity when you pine over an ex. Your #1 goal is to forget about the Ex. This new dating situation isn't cutting it. Tell this new girl that you're not ready for a relationship as you're still grappling in the back of your mind about an ex, and you've done the hop-skip-and-jump from one relationship to another -- and at some point, it doesn't work -- and it's not right now. You don't want to lead her on, and you can't argue if she wants to totally step away from you -- but you'd like to keep it as casually seeing each other, without any intentions of rolling into anything serious at all... at least for now & the near future. DON'T TRY AND JUGGLE. As you point out, it's not working right now. What do you think actually interacting with your Ex is going to do? Finding closure -- and ONLY closure (NOT keeping-in-touch with ex) -- is one thing, if that's ALL your emotions would need. That would be a good thing maybe, if you feel your ex was game for that and you Know there wasn't any closure. Besides that, end things with the new girl or keep it casual-dating... while NOT even contacting your ex, and also AIM to Forget about her. Casually date other girls -- focus on enjoying the grass on the other side of the fence, in the casual dating market for a while. The reason your thoughts are stuck on your ex is because thoughts of the small window of opportunity to maybe get back together eats away at you. Or to be around her, etc. All while this new girl isn't enough for you! STOP THAT. You've moved on from a serious Ex before -- you know logically how things are. #1: Focus on dropping feelings of/about the ex #2: Step away and/or make casual-at-most with new girl #3: Meet new girls This post was incredibly insightful thank you very much, you're right the thought of maybe getting back together with her is what's keeping me from moving on. Im starting to see that I only want her back because I want the validation that I'm good enough for her. The sad thing is even though I realize this I can't shake the feeling of wanting her back. I don't have the guts to reach out though, we havent spoken in a year I don't even know how she would react.
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