Mary Oak Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 My heart is broken. I am just stating a fact. My insides have not felt normal since July 1, 2012. I have accepted that I will never feel "right" again. I don't think you ever get over a true broken heart. I think you learn to work around it, work through it. But you NEVER get over it. Not if you love someone. I know for a long time you thought the shock if it all was just emotional for me, that I was acting out of fear of the unknown. I guess by now you can admit it was just the love. But then again, you don't know my feelings anymore. And that is okay too. Because I wouldn't want my feelings to make you come back anyway. It would have to be on your own. You are a strong woman and if you want something, you will at least try. And you don't. There you have it. I reread a lot if emails you wrote me today. Made me sad. But I needed to. I saw so many things that I didn't before. You asked me respect you and give you distance because you needed to heal. But you swaddled it with a lot of I care for you, I don't want to hurt you, I don't know what the future holds, I know you will be in my future if you allow it, etc. And if course, bring in the frame if desperation I was in, those are the only things I saw. You told me to please stop. That you were so tired if my questions and you didn't have it in you to not answer them, so you asked me to just stop. I didn't. That was a long time ago. Now, I only respond shortly to emails, most which are work related. Yesterday I ignored you when I saw you. My stomach still gets sick. I have kinda resolved myself to this life now. It certainly doesn't hurt like it once did, so I assume it will get better. But, I sill hurt. I am still broken. I truly do not believe you can become "unbroken". I have done all the suggestions but I am still here. I think it is where I will stay. I am 44. And the love of my life is gone. I probably (God willing) have half my life ahead of me. I will always love you. And you will never know.
me85 Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 This was a really good thing to do...posting here, instead of actually sending this to your ex. You will find love again. We only feel this way about a person until we fall in love again with someone else and I promise you will. I know you probably weren't looking for a reply from anyone but I couldn't resist. I feel the same way as you but tell myself I don't love my ex and I think that is helping me a lot, actually. I'm starting to really believe that I don't. I mean, how could I after all the hurt he caused me?? After all, he is loving someone else. For nearly a year now. I still can't imagine someone else being the one for me and I hate myself for feeling that way because it just makes me feel stuck and I don't want to be stuck. Anyways, keep smiling. Life really is beautiful and there are other ways to feel your heart with love. Being outside and seeing all of God's glory around me takes me to a better place. It's refreshing, relaxing and tremendously therapeutic. 4
Zahara Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Yes, I truly believe they never really leave you but while that scar remains, it doesn't hurt or pain you but revisits you fleetingly, here and there, but without the torment it once caused you. It's been a difficult process for you because you really can't let go when what pains you is near you and is there to constantly remind you of what you lost. I've loved, MO. I've had the men that have hurt me so badly that I thought I could never make it out, then I've loved the one good man I lost that even after 20 years gone by, I wish to this day he could have been mine. Yes, we never really forget but it doesn't mean we never move on. If there was wish I could wish for you, it would be that you leave that place that binds you to her. No one should have to struggle for years with a broken heart. Everytime you see an email with her name on it, it's stabs you. Everytime you see her down the hallway, it stabs you. There is no relief. There is no ceasing of that painful reminder. I'm sorry you are still hurting. I wish things could be better for you. 5
True Gent Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 I do believe that the pain of losing of a very significant partner, the one who you thought was 'the one' is not going to be something you just get over in a hurry. It's a pain that will remain with you for a long time, even as the pain subsides or becomes bearable there will still be moments where you remember them and what you once had even if they did you wrong. When you have truly loved another person to the point where you'd always put them first, the pain of that loss leaves a very deep scar. I can totally relate to your feelings, but saying this you can still condition your mindset to see the bigger picture. You can turn yourself right off your ex if you really want to heal for yourself. Personally for me even though I have come a long way and I'm doing really well, I don't think I'll be 100% ok with it until I fall in love again. Being in love is the best feeling in the world. On the other side of the coin though making the most of your freedom and pursuing your own interests and actually enjoying your own life and space does help you become your best self, which after a BU will make you a better equipped, more attractive and stronger individual for the next time cupid fires some arrows your way. Remember it WILL happen. 5
Author Mary Oak Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 Thank you both. I know things will get better. I just don't see love in my future. We will see what God has in store for me. I don't even think I know what it feels like not to hurt anymore. But I have learned at least two things. One, always treat the one you love like they hung the moon. And two, life goes on, with or without you. I can't leave this job. I just got a promotion. I am a little over nine years there. I just have to push through. The worse should be over by now.
Zahara Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 I just don't see love in my future. We will see what God has in store for me. That's not a realistic statement to make. Painting your future black makes no sense when you don't even know what you're going to have for dinner tomorrow. So, that sort of conviction doesn't hold any water because it's coming from a defeatist and broken place, and not from a place of truth or reality. And yes, at 43, I too had the same feelings when I ended with my ex. But now that I've moved on, the prospect of finding love is enticing and I'd welcome it if it came a calling. I'm sure now my ex won't be the end all be all. And yes, if you believe in God, it will be up to him. There is no need for you to start contemplating and focusing on a sad future. Just focus on what's infront of you -- and that is to try and get over this hurdle in your life. 5
me85 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 That's not a realistic statement to make. Painting your future black makes no sense when you don't even know what you're going to have for dinner tomorrow. So, that sort of conviction doesn't hold any water because it's coming from a defeatist and broken place, and not from a place of truth or reality. And yes, at 43, I too had the same feelings when I ended with my ex. But now that I've moved on, the prospect of finding love is enticing and I'd welcome it if it came a calling. I'm sure now my ex won't be the end all be all. And yes, if you believe in God, it will be up to him. There is no need for you to start contemplating and focusing on a sad future. Just focus on what's infront of you -- and that is to try and get over this hurdle in your life. Perfectly said. Mary Oak, you have no idea how badly I wish I had a remote to control time just like Adam Sandler had in the movie Click. I wish I could fast forward to better time because I know and believe whole heartedly that better times are ahead of me. I am a realist but still remain optimistic about my future. Until I feel like I will fall in love again, as hard as it is to see that now, I'm just absorbing the beauty of life and taking care of myself. Trying to anyway. I have my vices like anyone else. I bet you all the money I have (which isn't much lol) that this too shall pass for you. (= Cheer up mate! Do fun things this weekend. Keep moving. Like you said, life goes on with or without you, so don't you want to be a part of it while you're alive??
Author Mary Oak Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 Today sucked. I don't know why. Nothing new. It has been a few weeks now that I have been feeling "differently" about things. Until today, I thought it was just apathy. But it is not. If I was apathetic, I would not care. I have the whole mentality of " it just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how I feel, how she feels, what she may it may not email me, if I do or do not response... IT JUST DOESNT MATTER IN THE GRAND SCHEME. And while I feel that is totally true. I think I am feeling anger for the first time in two years. Not really mad at her, I don't think, but just effing bitter. Jaded. I am sure this feeling will pass. Just a little background, I have been in four long term relationships, and sure I was upset when we split up, but I have never been heartbroken. I had no idea what it really meant. I THOUGHT i had been heartbroken, but not even close. I hate this. I have good plans for the weekend. Beach. Friends. Family. Anxious about it. Again, just don't feel right.
Author Mary Oak Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 I guess I am depressed. ? I mean, I know I have major depressive disorder and am on meds and talk therapy. But, I guess I am still depressed. I have been through lots of trial and error with the meds. I was on four, now down to two. Have felt different through it all, but of course I would anyways. I don't know. I feel numb a lot. Numb but with a sense of underlying sadness. Can't talk to anyone about it, because, frankly, the subject even bores me. Why put anyone through that who wouldn't understand. I looked at my dogs tonight and thought, well, I can't leave you. You need me and I can't leave you. But if you weren't here, I don't think I would continue to put myself through this hurt. Sounds dramatic, I know. Sound stupid even in my thoughts. Who gets this wrapped up with another person that life without them seems so dismal? Just foolish. And I know it. The VERY worse part is I didn't know what I had until she left. I was not always this loving partner. I did tons of stuff wrong. The biggest thing is she never felt I loved her enough. Through two years of therapy, I have come to realize I didn't know how to SHOW her love. Everything was a competition. I was raised that way. No excuse... My fault. But it is the past and I recognize my faults. She is with someone now who will worship her. I hate it all. I guess I realized today that they have been together for almost a year now. Sad. Regretful. Just moving through the motions of each day. 2
me85 Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 (edited) I hear ya, it's tough. I myself had the thought just yesterday that I probably need to get on a anti-depressant. I'm depressed too. Everything always hits me all at once. My Grandmother recently passed and I have no one to comfort me in any way what so ever. Last month I battled thoughts of wanting to die. (I've battled that off and on my entire life) So I know exactly how you feel there. I would never ever ever kill myself, ever, but depression makes you feel so low at times abnormal thoughts like that just pop right into our mind out of no where for no reason. If you could try to master your thoughts and realize that they are just thoughts and nothing more then you would rule your world. We can't control what thoughts are going to pop into our brains but when they do we can absolutely redirect them. I constantly have to keep myself distracted, from myself. lol I try not to think too much about how I feel because I know it's BS and it will pass. It's been my goal for a while now to think of only the day to day things I have to do and of my future and how to plan for it. We can cry and complain all day long and right now you need to. I could be the same as you tomorrow...just needing to vent vent vent !!! (= Instead of coming here to vent like I did when I first found this site, I got quite annoyed with myself and all my whining. Now I mostly come here to encourage people and try to offer some sort of guidance to the best of my ability. I try to be positive for people (even if I cry myself to sleep most nights.) I know that nothing lasts forever. I know that I will always secretly be an emotional person who loves whole heartedly when I'm in love and will always give my all...I know I will always be a deeply feeling person. If that makes any sense at all. Bottom line, I know that I will be ok. I am a strong surviving beautiful young woman with all the love and compassion one can have. God will always see me through. Though, I will admit, I question His plan for me all the time and think, "Why in the world would this be a necessary thing to go through??? What was the point???" I pray that way all the time. But I'll look back every now and then and be like, "WOW...clearly that was fate and totally makes sense to me now." and then I'm not as worried about stuff anymore. Edited September 5, 2014 by me85 2
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