StringsAndSticks Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Where do I even begin? My girlfriend is REALLY confusing me! I just try to make her happy and do what she wants me to do, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. Here’s some examples: “You're so good to me. And I love it; I love how you behave like a gentleman and how you respect me and make me feel special. But I feel like **** because I feel it's so one-sided. I feel like I don't give you enough. I don't give you what you deserve. And it hurts because idk how to.” Why on Earth would she feel like she doesn’t “give me enough??” She’s not supposed to be giving me anything! Whenever I do or say something stupid and upset her somehow, I try to tell her that I’m sorry, but for some reason she actually seems to be angrier that I apologized than when I do whatever stupid thing I did! She told me that I seem to see her as something to treasure. At first I’m thinking “GREAT!” Come to find out she actually said that as if that’s a BAD thing! She told me that she wants to know “my feelings” and that I don’t share them with her, but I have no problem answering any question that she has for me. Also, she says that I shouldn’t set aside “my feelings” to make her happy. What?! Of course I should! Last weekend she had a few social gatherings to attend. She asked me if her partying bothered me. Now, there’s no right way to answer that question! But, I tried anyway…. I told her that of course, I worry about her well being, health and safety, but if I say that, then I’m some loser who doesn’t know how to “have fun.” Plus, I don’t wanna stand in her way. I tried to tell her I was sorry for not giving her the answer that she wanted to hear, but she told me that I should be upset with HER for going out so much! What?!?! She says that she doesn’t want me to “accommodate” her just to make her happy. Well, what else am I suppose to do? If I don’t, she’s gone! I’ve never really fought with her about anything, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of avoiding conflict up to this point…. then she tells me one day that she wants to argue with me!! Why on Earth would you WANT that?! Anyway, I’m just at a loss for what to do here. I love her and I don’t want to screw this one up. I just want to make her happy and have her feel loved, and wanted, and treasured. But, for some reason, she almost seems like she has some sort of problem with that! Any advice at all would be very appreciated! Thank you for reading!
Ronni_W Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Research "people pleaser" or "people pleaser personality"...and really, really, really pay attention to all the negative, limiting, harmful consequences, results, outcomes of that. It seriously, negatively impacts not only the 'people pleaser' but also those who want to be with, care for, love him or her. It's impossible to have/sustain genuine emotional closeness/intimacy with a people-pleaser. Figure out your own wants, needs, desires, expectations, values, dislikes, dreams, fears, goals...and learn to have courage, confidence, self-respect to be able to speak out and stand up for all of those things. (That's also what people want to know when they ask about your feelings.) What satisfies you? What dissatisfies you? What makes you sad, happy, angry? She can't get to know you because you do not (seem to) know anything about yourself. She doesn't know how to help you feel loved, special, etc., because YOU don't know what it will take to feel that way within yourself. She wants to do that ALSO because it makes HER feel good doing that; by withholding everything about yourself you are depriving her of any opportunity to GIVE love, affection, support, encouragement, etc., etc. She is telling you that she does not want a slave but an intelligent, independent, self-reliant, self-confident, self-respecting human being with high self-esteem.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 My SM would say that all the time... telling me I got the short end of the stick a lot as well. Took a few years but she opened up and told me her secrets and reasons to why she could not share the way I was sharing with her. Now she does give me everything I give to her and we can get messy gross lovey lovey and not feel threatened or out of place between each other. Yes there are people pleasers... but I am not one, just when there is a true and strong connex, I won't hold back who I am and my feelings just because it may be uncomfy. It takes equal feelings and a bit of time to trust in such a way. Take your time and allow things to gel for her. Accept what she tells you and back off a wee bit just enough for her to feel comfy yet show how special she is to you.
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