What a freak'n nightmare!

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

OK, I had a nightmare... from what I gathered it was from being here on the forum and having distant issues pop in my nightmare. I will have to share some things before I can get to the meat of the matter.

 

This is a hard one, as I am telling more than I ever thought I would as for thinking through and sharing. I have posted some details about me but will reiterate the important ones.

 

Don't know what to say or where to begin to fully capture what I feel in that anyone could understand. All I know is I am not your average Joe, and cannot be placed in a group of men to be compared, as I hope to show that in what I say.

 

So here I go... I didn't start puberty until 16, when it did happen I became more private to myself and felt anxiety around people my own age or around there about. For some time I never had true feelings for companionship, sex, or love. Though I loved my family. I knew I was different in how my social ways were less prone to fit in with others. Younger women would enjoy my company more so than others. Mostly because I did put too much seriousness into things, a bit carefree and hid myself behind humor. So they would not see that I was shy or having anxiety pop up time to time.

 

There was an odd part in my nightmare that had a segment that showed how well peeps misunderstood me. While at work there was a much younger woman probably just 21. She was quiet and seemed to be down a lot. Being the humorist I would make odd wee funny things to pick her up. One day she asked if I would like to go on a walk with our dogs along the river trail. So we met up. It was like 112 out mid day, and everything about that start off was late in her behalf. So I had no idea what to expect. As it was on her word, and no other way for contact if something should happen. After she arrived, we walked down the trail into the brush and ended up in the shade along the riverside. I talked with her and tried to keep my dog active playing in the water. She asked me to sit closer, and I sat across from her as to be facing. She laughed as if I sat in something. I felt out of place from then on. As she never really talked much and I was too uncomfortable with the heat and being placed on the spot with her. We left walking to our cars and she just seemed so different, like she had something to say but couldn't. I did not know what to say other than I'll see you tomorrow at work. Well she never showed that day, and later was told she had quit. Some time after, management had explained they were hiring a new replacement to fill the spot. Oddly enough I was asked about the girl that left. I told them I really did not know her outside of work, and we had gone to the river to walk our dogs once. After my explanation, I was told not to date workers. I took at as a simple request, and showed that I understood by saying OK and walked out, thinking nothing more of it.

 

Oddly enough that part of the nightmare was as true as watching that moment play back as if I was there again.

 

Seeing it fresh in my head, made me think of things I stumbled upon here, and made me think how misunderstood I was.

 

Now for the freaky ending...

 

I have been through a great deal of troubling relationships. I seem to have an odd way of mirroring the others despair by being solemn, and distant. Afraid that if I am cheerful, they would think I did not care. But caught in a quandary in not being able to show compassion, because the other is so stand offish. To negative to allow being cared for. In some ways it puts me back into the unresponsive person I am alone while out and about doing my activities.

 

My ending is about my LDR SM, and that all the wee things that I allow myself in protection will slowly corrupt the 3+ years we have. It has been beyond any expectations or my own imagination on how well we understand each other and share 100% between each other.

 

I saw her start with thinking I will turn away or panic on her actions. I may have started that long ago, with my quick step backs time to time to protect her from showing too much on how I feel all at once.

 

As the dream came closer to ending, I saw us finally having our time being together, no longer in an LDR. I saw myself slowly be the mirror in my past relationships. I could do nothing to stop it. I could not smile with her. I could not feel or be anything with her.

 

It troubles me as I type, and hurts, as I don't even know if I know a way to stop it from happening if it should happen in life. As all I know is the years of being a mirror.

 

Maybe I need a break from being here... as I normally optimistic. No it is not that I am easily attached, it is that I have my own fears to calm before me.