Girlfriend's Past

[bubbaganoosh]

Piece of advice. Keep dwelling on this and your going to see what you have described as a great girl hauling ass out the door and flipping you off as she drives away.

 

I think your more worried that she's thinking that the last guy had a bigger one than you have.

 

Ever think that maybe she might be thinking that she wants to give you 100% because she really cares for you and hopes that the relationship progress's

 

Look. The lady is yours. If she didn't want to be with you she would be gone. If she really didn't care that much about you, you wouldn't have written about all the qualities she has because she wouldn't have shown those qualities to you.

 

All in all, stop worrying about the past. That's history and there isn't anything you can do about it except blow it if you don't stop.

[WonderKid]

You seem to want us to help you convince yourself that your GF's past sexual experiences have all been very "dignified"

 

I'm not sure "dignified" is a word I'd use to describe sex. I guess you want to believe that her past sexual encounters have all been quite tame and not dirty and animalistic?

 

I mean, what's the point? You'll never know. Most women will try to minimise the "dirtiness" of their past sexual romps. If you want to stay with her, stop thinking about her past and focus on the present. As long as she doesn't cheat on you, there's no problem.

 

 

^^^ THAT was the end of the meeting...

[heartshaped]

I see it like this.

 

You see your girlfriend as being promiscuous (because of the ONSs and the number of men she's been with), you do not want to be with a woman who you perceive as promiscuous despite being with her, and haven been promiscuous (having ONSs etc.) in the past yourself.

 

This is very common I find in men. One of my exes that I was in a LTR told me very openly that he had slept with quite a few women, but he wouldn't want his girlfriend or wife to have slept with lots of men or have had ONSs.

 

Now, I see it like this. Either you can a) get over it or b) move on.

 

It is hypocritical, but no more so than people who seek out spouses who make more money than they do or drive nice cars while they don't possess a car or have a great job while them themselves have a mediocre one.

 

This is all just a touchy subject because women have been prosecuted in the past for being.."sexual" for lack of a better word.

[mightycpa]

I see only two things that might explain the problem:

 

Ego (any of these)

-- you'd feel better if you knew you were the only one ever (guys like to be the first)

-- you don't want to be with someone who is cheap, gives herself away

-- you want to feel like you're special, not one of x

-- you can't be sure she's not downplaying how good it was.. mabye you're not the best

 

Fear (any of these)

-- you might lose her to the next ONS

-- you might lose her to an ex lover

-- you might be just another guy in a long line to come

-- you can't trust her not to cheat for one night

-- she may have enjoyed it more than she's letting on

 

I would suggest that you think about your own promiscuous experience, and how you view yourself, and figure out what part of that aspect of you is the part of yourself that you don't like.

 

Then see if what is bothering you might be that she's like the worst part of you.

[bitteorca]

Thanks again for all your responses.

 

^ This is what's concerning: she's telling you she hasn't changed. She doesn't regret her random sexcapades. She doesn't regret sleeping with all those one night stands. She sounds impulsive and shallow - and because she doesn't regret it, she'd go right back to her ways if she ever left you. You can bet she's had several pregnancy scares, at least one abortion, and probably a few STDs. But don't worry: she's the same person she was and she regrets none of it.

 

Run, don't walk.

 

I think this is extremely unhealthy thinking. She has told me she thinks they are bad decisions, but doesn't regret them per se. Exactly the same as my decisions. Wouldn't go back on any of them. But doesn't mean I'd neccessarily repeat them.

 

She is saying she doesn't have to change because she was never a slut. She had a few ONSs, dated a few guys, and had a FOUR YEAR relationship. I'm not sure what this forum's demographic is, but I'm pretty sure that's average.

 

ONCE AGAIN - I see this as my problem, not hers. Although I do welcome people's opinions on her past, I feel like it has turned almost turned into a thread either agreeing or disagreeing with her actions. My whole post was about how this judgement isn't right.

 

Yes she's had a past. Yes she's had one night stands. Is she a slut? She's the most non-slutty, loving, caring, decent, kind, respectful girl I've ever met to be honest. Hence why this is MY problem of focusing in on the extremely small perceived negative.

 

Although I feel your input then goes into ridiculousness (but I suppose this is the danger of posting into an anonymous forum, where no-one knows my gf's character in the slightest), I will still answer:

 

Pregnancy scares - never

STDs - never

Abortion - never

Shallow - certainly not

 

But I guess next you're going to tell me about the BS she feeds me and how she's lying. Although I'm going to stop defending her (and especially over the above points, as if you knew her, they're all ridiculous, like she's some white trash whore), I will, for one last time, say that she is always honest with me. Even when it doesn't suit me. Totally believe what comes out her mouth, due to reading of body language, and the content that is said. This isn't in question.

 

Piece of advice. Keep dwelling on this and your going to see what you have described as a great girl hauling ass out the door and flipping you off as she drives away.

 

I think your more worried that she's thinking that the last guy had a bigger one than you have.

 

Ever think that maybe she might be thinking that she wants to give you 100% because she really cares for you and hopes that the relationship progress's

 

Look. The lady is yours. If she didn't want to be with you she would be gone. If she really didn't care that much about you, you wouldn't have written about all the qualities she has because she wouldn't have shown those qualities to you.

 

All in all, stop worrying about the past. That's history and there isn't anything you can do about it except blow it if you don't stop.

 

No honestly, please people understand: not about how big other people where, how they performed etc. I KNOW I give it good in this regard. But it keeps coming up in this thread for some reason? It's a judgemental thing

 

Thanks for the rest of your words. I agree I need to let this go, which I kind of knew anyway, but just wasn't sure how), and need to stop perceiving her relatively average past for her age/culture as slutty.

 

I see it like this.

 

You see your girlfriend as being promiscuous (because of the ONSs and the number of men she's been with), you do not want to be with a woman who you perceive as promiscuous despite being with her, and haven been promiscuous (having ONSs etc.) in the past yourself.

 

This is very common I find in men. One of my exes that I was in a LTR told me very openly that he had slept with quite a few women, but he wouldn't want his girlfriend or wife to have slept with lots of men or have had ONSs.

 

Now, I see it like this. Either you can a) get over it or b) move on.

 

It is hypocritical, but no more so than people who seek out spouses who make more money than they do or drive nice cars while they don't possess a car or have a great job while them themselves have a mediocre one.

 

This is all just a touchy subject because women have been prosecuted in the past for being.."sexual" for lack of a better word.

 

Thank you for understanding, and the money thing is a good comparison to highlight this.

 

I think like I have mentioned in the reply above - although she has been 'promiscuous' in the past - it's the way that I blow it up in my head sometimes. Her past isn't that big of a deal on rational level. She's had a few ONSs, she's dated, she's had a LTR. It's probably a healthy mix. And if I was to spin it positive (but this is exactly the problem, I always spin it on the negative) then I could say this was EXACTLY the healthy type of mix that I was looking for in a woman...

 

I see only two things that might explain the problem:

 

Ego (any of these)

-- you'd feel better if you knew you were the only one ever (guys like to be the first)

-- you don't want to be with someone who is cheap, gives herself away

-- you want to feel like you're special, not one of x

-- you can't be sure she's not downplaying how good it was.. mabye you're not the best

 

Fear (any of these)

-- you might lose her to the next ONS

-- you might lose her to an ex lover

-- you might be just another guy in a long line to come

-- you can't trust her not to cheat for one night

-- she may have enjoyed it more than she's letting on

 

I would suggest that you think about your own promiscuous experience, and how you view yourself, and figure out what part of that aspect of you is the part of yourself that you don't like.

 

Then see if what is bothering you might be that she's like the worst part of you.

 

Thanks for this insight. If we're going to psychoanalyse, I'd say the feeling of her being special and the fear of her being cheap (both relate) are the ones you've hit the nail on the head with. Again, this is what my EMOTIONAL/FEELING side tells me. Rational side says: she's had an average past for her age/culture, she's chosen me - how could I not feel any more special, from the way she acts (behaviour & words) - I KNOW she loves me. She's said even compared to her 4 year LTR, she's never felt like this.

 

In terms of downplaying how good other experiences were: look I'm admitting that by her seeking sexual gratification, she obviously enjoyed it! Why else would she do it? Humans enjoy sex. It's pretty antiquated to think otherwise. What I AM saying, is that she didn't find these experiences AS gratifying as sex in a LTR. I also completely agree with her: sex will ALWAYS be good. How good that sex is just depends. I can tell I give good on the sex front from three factors: A.) physically - not going into detail here, but clear visible signs!, B.) verbally - she tells me that her past experiences have been average at best, and told me that the best sex is with me and second best is with her previous LTR, because of the comfort you feel when with a LTR and the ability not to worry and to let yourself go, and thus achieve orgasm etc. But her words relate to point - C.) body language - I can tell when people are lying/fluffing the truth. I can read her body language (not just about sex, about everything obviously). If she was flakey or whatever then I'd question it myself!

 

____

 

On a separate note, I feel like I have been sticking up for my gf quite a bit on here. If anyone knew her, you'd know that these kind of thought processes I'm going through are unjustified. I'm obviously not blaming anyone - you've all give your truthful answers, which is exactly what I was opening myself up for on a public forum! - but I wanted to more concentrate on the fact that this was my problem, and I feel that this has been missed by some. If anyone has any specific techniques for stopping rumination, or has been through this themselves and have come to some sort of conclusion, then that would be the most preferential advice.

[BeholdtheMan]

But as far as ONS casual encounters go, they were dignified and everything I wrote above.

 

Saying someone had a "dignified" ONS is like saying a girl spread her legs "in a dignified manner"...or like saying a dude was "respectfully" thrusting his penis

 

I find the idea of dignified sex to be rather amusing. Does it involve curtseys and bows and posh British accents?

[bitteorca]

Saying someone had a "dignified" ONS is like saying a girl spread her legs "in a dignified manner"...or like saying a dude was "respectfully" thrusting his penis

 

I find the idea of dignified sex to be rather amusing. Does it involve curtseys and bows and posh British accents?

 

Yeah... again, as dignified as ONSs can get. I'm not saying ONSs are dignified, but as far as they go, they have been in relative terms

[central]

There's no need to sanitize the ONS lusty, raunchy sex. Just consider it as a random act of kindness that she enjoyed as well. The important thing is that she owns it but wouldn't want to repeat it. That's who she is now, and if you can accept who she is now, you needn't worry about what she might have been or done in the past.

[mightycpa]

There's no need to sanitize the ONS lusty, raunchy sex. Just consider it as a random act of kindness that she enjoyed as well. The important thing is that she owns it but wouldn't want to repeat it. That's who she is now, and if you can accept who she is now, you needn't worry about what she might have been or done in the past.

 

Maybe this is the trick you need. Maybe you should stop thinking this was dignified, and accept it for the slutty behavior it really was. I mean, c'mon, what difference does it make if I meet her, and 20 minutes later we're knocking boots, or if I meet her and 3 hours later we're doing the same. Does the extra 160 minutes of seduction really confer dignity? I don't think so.

 

If you start thinking of her as a pincushion rather than as some special girl who you want to think of as chaste, ie, face reality, then maybe you'll feel better, and get over your problem. There's nothing wrong with what she is.

[bitteorca]

Again, thanks for your replies.

 

I just want to clarify though. I agree that ONSs are an act of lust, and are 'slutty'. I'm not niave. Or stupid. Or blinded by BS. What I am saying is that in context of ONSs, that these have been relatively tame. I'm NOT saying that this makes her an angel. What she did was slutty. But what I AM saying is that this could have been far worse.

 

She chose to sleep with people. How she did this was relatively tame. But YES, it STILL STANDS, that she chose to sleep with people in these kinds of circumstances.

 

But it seems crazy to me that people can't see that a girl who has a one night stand, after a quick chat up, has a threesome, can't remember anything, unprotected, is no-worse than a girl who is single, makes a decision that they lust/fancy/are attracted to someone, and decides to act upon that, in a RELATIVELY (relative to the circumstances) non-slutty manner. Surely you can see that. But if you don't see that, then I suppose that's the beauty of free-speech or whatever you want to call it. Agree to disagree.

 

I can tell you now that in terms of my own experience, I would label some of the ONS girls I've been with as slutty. Then I've been with other ONS girls who have yes been on a ONS with me, but essentially were RELATIVELY dignified about it.

 

There's no need to sanitize the ONS lusty, raunchy sex. Just consider it as a random act of kindness that she enjoyed as well. The important thing is that she owns it but wouldn't want to repeat it. That's who she is now, and if you can accept who she is now, you needn't worry about what she might have been or done in the past.

 

See the above. I disagree that it was 'raunchy' sex. And for all the reasons I have posted in this thread along the way. I wouldn't even mind. I actually even expected that at least one circumstance would be, but it simply hasn't been. I'm not saying it was 'love-making' - I'm not naive. She has even said it has sat inbetween - it's been average. Not 'hot, lusty, steamy' sex. But on the flip, not slow gentle, kiss her on the shoulders sex. This thread has almost made me into some kind of fool, when honestly this is far from the case. I get they were ONSs!

 

And then this obviously leads me to defend her honesty (again) which I totally have faith it. She has told me everything, even things I don't like to hear. Obviously to her detriment in this circumstance, but the one thing I never doubt about her is her honesty. Again, without you actually being there when she tells me, and without knowing her personality, it's obviously hard for you to understand this part. She gets in to trouble (in stupid every-day situations) about her black&white honesty. It's just her.

 

I agree about the latter part though. She's such a great girl. I think responding in this thread has highlighted how stupid I am for all this. I could have a girl who had been on zero ONSs. Maybe I could get a girl who has slept with 2 people in their entire lives. Would they have the same character? Would they be able to know what they want? Would they be susceptible to trying other things out at a later date? Would they have a more mature character?

 

Maybe this is the trick you need. Maybe you should stop thinking this was dignified, and accept it for the slutty behavior it really was. I mean, c'mon, what difference does it make if I meet her, and 20 minutes later we're knocking boots, or if I meet her and 3 hours later we're doing the same. Does the extra 160 minutes of seduction really confer dignity? I don't think so.

 

If you start thinking of her as a pincushion rather than as some special girl who you want to think of as chaste, ie, face reality, then maybe you'll feel better, and get over your problem. There's nothing wrong with what she is.

 

Again, I don't want to repeat myself so much, but see above. I think there is a difference. You need to know I accept these circumstances for what they are - ONSs - but I also think that the way these are carried out are important.

 

Using the word 'pincushion' to describe her is also very unfair. I think the key here, is the fact that yes she is a mature woman, capable of casual sexual gratification in a safe, mature, and (dare I use the word again) 'dignified' way., but she is neither a 'slut' nor a 'madonna'. And maybe that's what's wrong with males. We want one or the other. They don't generally exist. She's had a perfectly balanced mix of casual, dating, and LTR sex. She's got a perfectly good balanced character, and has many positives. The couple of days I've been posting about this has made me realise this more about her, and made me feel really quite stupid about doubting her. And I'm going to sign this thread off on that note.... Thanks for all your comments, I do appreciate them, whether I have agreed or not...

[d0nnivain]

bitteroca

 

I'm glad you recognize this as YOUR issue not hers.

 

You can't change the past. You have to view and judge her on who she is NOW, not who she was at least 4+ years before you met her.

 

Lot's of people make poor & impulsive decisions when they are young. Hormones & lust, especially if combined with alcohol are powerful forces. As a young girl, she apparently made some poor or questionable choices but then she grew up. She wasn't completely trashy during her wild period but went on to have a 4 year monogamous relationship & you applaud her behavior in your relationship. Evaluate those aspects of her character not how she behaved at 17.

 

Personally I was taken aback by your comment along the lines of part of your evidence of her moral behavior now is that she doesn't "like" things posted on FB by guys. At best that is superficial but if you consider clicking a button on a website to be evidence of cheating, inappropriate flirting or poor moral character, I invite you to rethink that stance.

 

If you don't get a handle on this & soon, you are going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you because she's going to turn on you & decide that you are too judgmental to continue dating.

[BlueIris]

I think the key here, is the fact that yes she is a mature woman, capable of casual sexual gratification in a safe, mature, and (dare I use the word again) 'dignified' way., but she is neither a 'slut' nor a 'madonna'. And maybe that's what's wrong with males. We want one or the other. They don't generally exist. She's had a perfectly balanced mix of casual, dating, and LTR sex. She's got a perfectly good balanced character, and has many positives. The couple of days I've been posting about this has made me realise this more about her, and made me feel really quite stupid about doubting her. And I'm going to sign this thread off on that note.... Thanks for all your comments, I do appreciate them, whether I have agreed or not...

 

I think you’re right here. And not just men do this. Women do too because we’ve all been conditioned by cultural myths, archetypes and fantasies. Sometimes obsessing is due to reality and conditioning clashing, the dissonance between myth and real. So while you may think you’re obsessing over her past, you might actually be obsessing over the dissonance or the myth/conditioning. Maybe try to examine the myth and the feelings attached to it when these thoughts pop up, rather than dismissing them as irrational, unfair or hypocritical. Myth, dream, archetype, fantasy can get in the way of appreciating reality. Not being a psych person or anything, so I don’t know, it’s my general impression that that is what Jung was saying, that these beliefs are deep in our psyches and have a lot of power until we unwrap them.

[BeholdtheMan]

Yeah... again, as dignified as ONSs can get. I'm not saying ONSs are dignified, but as far as they go, they have been in relative terms

 

The points we're really trying to drive home are...

 

1) You don't know how she got it on with the other men. You simply don't. You can say that you have no reason to doubt her honesty or whatever...but you weren't there. She could be minimising as most women would. You'll never be privy to the truth because you didn't see it with your own eyes. I guess you can try to convince yourself that the sex was dignified. That's what you're doing now it seems

 

2) I think this is more important. Even if she was having hot, sweaty, bestial sex with some strange dude, talking dirty and grunting like a b*tch in heat...why do you care? You've had "less dignified" ONS's of your own. Don't be a hypocrite. Stop. Everyone has a past. As long as she ain't banging dudes behind your back now, you shouldn't be resenting her past behaviour before your relationship.

 

And then this obviously leads me to defend her honesty (again) which I totally have faith it.

 

There's always the possibility that she's being gentle with your ego. Do you think women are completely oblivious to how men think?

 

You have two issues:

 

One is that you think it would be wrong for your GF to have wild, steamy sex with another man before meeting you

 

Another is that when confronted with the possibility, you believe only what you want to believe.

 

If it suits you, keep believing that your GF was bouncing up and down on some strange dude's d*ck like a dignified lady, as this strange dude was slamming his penis in and out of her like a true gentleman

 

I recommend that as a man, you should foster a strong grasp on reality. She could be telling you the truth, the full truth, and nothing but the truth. She could be withholding information or modifying some details. Your 100% "faith" in what she says is a coping mechanism on your part. You're afraid of the possibility that she isn't the pure little angel you want her to be.

 

Secondly...hot, animalistic sex is not "worse" than gentle, romantic sex. I don't know why it would lower GF's standing in your eyes. She wasn't cheating on a past boyfriend. She wasn't cheating on you. She wasn't doing anything disgusting or wrong. Get over it or move on.

Edited September 5, 2014 by BeholdtheMan

[DazedandConfused8]

Saying someone had a "dignified" ONS is like saying a girl spread her legs "in a dignified manner"...or like saying a dude was "respectfully" thrusting his penis

 

I find the idea of dignified sex to be rather amusing. Does it involve curtseys and bows and posh British accents?

 

Reminded me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcVkYD3o910