Girlfriend's Past

September 3, 2014

Hi there,

Haven't posted on this forum for a while, but thought I'd reach out due to a problem I seem to be having at the moment. I'll try to keep as brief as possible whilst also giving enough texture needed...

Known my GF for around 12 months now, been in an official relationship with her for around 6, although there was a mutual understanding of monogamy before hand (not agreed upon strictly, just have the same morals about this I guess).

I want to start on a positive note: she's great. She's funny, intelligent, caring, compassionate, honest, attractive, friendly, and probably now my best friend as well as romantic partner. I'm not emphasising any of those points, they're all true, but I'm also not putting her on a pedestal - she is by no means perfect, and she has her flaws (I don't expect perfection, I accept that people are human). But she is the one person I have been with that I could GENUINELY see myself with on a long-term basis. Even my other serious relationship for 3.5 years, for whatever reason, I just never thought she was right for me on a long-term basis (albeit a great girl, and loved her very much). The girl I am with at the moment, I have a really good feeling about.

However, I have a problem. And first of all I want to make clear that I KNOW this is MY PROBLEM, and not anything she has done.

She has showed absolutely NO sign why I should doubt her faithfulness, so this is not in question. No flirting, no facebook liking/commenting on other guy's stuff, no reason at all that I can see. She's actually the one girl I've met who has completely high moral standards in terms of this - probably because she feels so strongly about infidelity herself. I never get worried that she will leave me for someone else or do anything stupid.

But I constantly think about her past and I judge her. I guess there is a bit of insecurity about it (of course I don't like the thought of her sleeping with someone else, as I doubt many people do), but I think the main element is judgement, not comparison. Not to blow my own horn, but I know I please her a lot in this way, and know that I'm probably giving her the best she's had by her own admission (sorry to be crude, just want to highlight this point in context).

Her past is comprised of a 4 year relationship (which doesn't bother me in the SLIGHTEST), but then it's mostly casual before and after that. Before her 4 year relationship she was young and slept with quite a few people at parties etc. and after her 4yr relationship she had a mixture of dating a few people, and had one night stands also (she went travelling at this point as well, so this probably bumped up the numbers).

If it wasn't for the people she slept with when she was younger before her long-term relationship, she'd probably have a very average/below average sexual past. She also said, that although she has had ONSs, she has always conducted herself in a proper manner and always dignified about it. Again, the actual sex sounds very-very tame, no wild experiences or situations where she felt degraded etc. Always with guys who she'd been chatting to all night, and left in a dignified manner. Always protected. No threesomes, no public sex, no 20 min chat and jump in a taxi situations, or any other stuff. She even had lights switched off every time, under the covers, and the most mundane positions!! She has said to me that although she has done the ONSs, she has never acted like a slut - never been all over guys, never done anything wild. I guess she just hooked up with people when she was single that she was attracted to both physically and after chatting to them for a while, and her circumstances at the time meant there was more opportunity to do this (I think her travelling for 3 months, she could have actually slept with a lot more guys really!)

I also don't want you to tell me that this is BS and she is fluffing the truth for me. I know she tells me everything truthfully, this isn't in question, even when she knows I hate hearing about it (sometimes I even wish she wasn't honest with me about this stuff!) She has been truthful with me from day one - it's one of her great qualities. Even when she visibly doesn't like talking to me about it, she still tells me.

Again, without her younger days, her past would seem quite average/tame. But it's the ONSs that get to me. Even the situations where she has been on dates with people a couple of times then slept with them doesn't really bother me. But the ONSs constantly go through my mind. I'm constantly judging her.

My rational side tells me that this is stupid to be judging her about as I have nothing to actually judge her about. Yes she has been on ONSs, but always in a respectable manner. Show me a girl who hasn't done this whilst they have been single for a decent amount of time (or if they don't tell you, they're not being truthful). I'm not saying I like this fact about her, but at least she has been honest and at least those ONSs where as dignified as casual sex can be. Would I prefer she had many more bf's instead? Would this justify the sex? No. Do I want to lose her because of this one minor 'negative'? Certainly not.

My emotional (chimp, to those who have read the book!) hates it, places judgement on her, and is obviously obsessed with the Madonna/whore complex, where I can't get past the fact that she has been with guys who she'd only known briefly. If she can engage in casual sex, is she more likely not to be long-term material?

My rational side presides when writing something like this (almost like I'm writing a college essay, trying to think unbiased about something) but on a day-to-day basis, my emotional/chimp side is worried.

Is this a compulsion? Rumination at it's worst? Should I seek CBT help? Any help would be appreciated...

(Side note: I haven't revealed the actual numbers, although considered it. My rational side says this isn't important, as my message above should give enough context. However, my emotional chimp obviously obsesses over the numbers!!!)

September 3, 2014

You seem to want us to help you convince yourself that your GF's past sexual experiences have all been very "dignified"

I'm not sure "dignified" is a word I'd use to describe sex. I guess you want to believe that her past sexual encounters have all been quite tame and not dirty and animalistic?

I mean, what's the point? You'll never know. Most women will try to minimise the "dirtiness" of their past sexual romps. If you want to stay with her, stop thinking about her past and focus on the present. As long as she doesn't cheat on you, there's no problem.

September 3, 2014

You seem to want us to help you convince yourself that your GF's past sexual experiences have all been very "dignified"

I'm not sure "dignified" is a word I'd use to describe sex. I guess you want to believe that her past sexual encounters have all been quite tame and not dirty and animalistic?

I mean, what's the point? You'll never know. Most women will try to minimise the "dirtiness" of their past sexual romps. If you want to stay with her, stop thinking about her past and focus on the present. As long as she doesn't cheat on you, there's no problem.

Thanks for your response.

I think the point I was trying to make was that a ONS is still a sexual encounter, and is obviously the problem I am dealing with. But as far as ONS casual encounters go, they were dignified and everything I wrote above. Again, I don't question her honesty on this (all other girls I have been with I probably would!), as she has been honest with me about everything else. Her only slightly adventurous sexual side has been with her previous long-term partner, albeit even here pretty tame. As well, the point of the post wasn't to convince me they have been dignified - again, I believe her about this and agree that they have been. What I struggle with is the judgement side of things.

I agree that sex is at it's core of course animalistic (we are animals at the end of the day) but some can be less dirty and 'animalistic' than others. Again, I'm not blindly defending her actions here. She has had sexual urges that she has acted upon, but don't think that these have been dirty or undignified, that's all...

In regards to the rest of your post - my rational side agrees. I shouldn't worry about this. She's the most decent girl I've met. She's never cheated, and adamantly disagrees with it.

But that led me on to any other suggestions because I know this is MY PROBLEM and not hers...

September 3, 2014

sex isnt dignified especially one night stands......its dirty messy and uncertain of who you are with ....

as far s not being long term material i think you would find a person who has a limited sexual history is just as much a risk of straying......when you have seen the grass from many fields you know its basically the same ....so you water your own and it grows damn fine.....whatever the outcome is ....if you constantly ruminate on her sexual history you are going to have issues....resentment mainly.....

there have been hundreds of threads on this on loveshack over the years......what you need to do is let it go or move on.......

i dont know what emotional chimp is...is that like a cave man thing? like territorial or something......

tell your emotional chimp that once a female chimp eats a few bananas she realizes that her own banana she has on hand is perfectly capable of satisfying her long term with your cavendish as you have said......she is satisfied with your banana......stop thinking about other men's bananas...causes banana envy and enjoy your time with her......deb

September 3, 2014

sex isnt dignified especially one night stands......its dirty messy and uncertain of who you are with ....
as far s not being long term material i think you would find a person who has a limited sexual history is just as much a risk of straying......when you have seen the grass from many fields you know its basically the same ....so you water your own and it grows damn fine.....whatever the outcome is ....if you constantly ruminate on her sexual history you are going to have issues....resentment mainly.....

there have been hundreds of threads on this on loveshack over the years......what you need to do is let it go or move on.......

i dont know what emotional chimp is...is that like a cave man thing? like territorial or something......

tell your emotional chimp that once a female chimp eats a few bananas she realizes that her own banana she has on hand is perfectly capable of satisfying her long term with your cavendish as you have said......she is satisfied with your banana......stop thinking about other men's bananas...causes banana envy and enjoy your time with her......deb

Hi Deb, thanks for your words.

Again, I just want to emphasis that I know sex is not really dignified, especially one night stands.

What I was just trying to get across however, was that as far as one-nighter's go, they have been relatively dignified (no 20min pick-ups, no dirty sex, no public places - lights turned off, under the cover, protected, mundane positions).

I know many of you without knowing her will question her honesty about this (if I was a third party reading this I probably would too!), but because I know she's told me everything honestly, I really don't think she's trying to soften the blow with this stuff. She is really honest, and even when it can be to her detriment, she still sticks to her guns and remains honest.

And in terms of whether she has been sexually gratified by them, she has said they have been average at best. She has even admitted that sex is still sex, and is obviously enjoyable to a degree, but at the end of the day, drunken sex with someone for the first time is always poor (I can attest to this, I have had ONSs myself! And mine are probably not as tame as hers!).

But this isn't my problem. My problem is judging her for it. I'm more bothered she has done it on a judgemental level, not a jealous level (Lol at bananas! My banana is fine for her! )

I think I know I need to drop it, but just can't help with rumination. Maybe I need professional help with this side of things. It's almost like a habit. Just like smoking or whatever....

September 3, 2014

although she has done the ONSs, she has never acted like a slut - never been all over guys, never done anything wild

If my boyfriend had the same experiences as your gf it would bother me, too. But that's just me. I think it's normal how you feel.

This stood out to me in the text (bold). I'm confused as to why her ONSs are not considered slutty in her mind. Let's say she slept with 100 men. She thinks these ONSs are not "slutty" as long as she didn't have threesomes or more complex sex positions?? Because that's not the way it works, at least in my mind.

September 3, 2014

If my boyfriend had the same experiences as your gf it would bother me, too. But that's just me. I think it's normal how you feel.

This stood out to me in the text (bold). I'm confused as to why her ONSs are not considered slutty in her mind. Let's say she slept with 100 men. She thinks these ONSs are not "slutty" as long as she didn't have threesomes or more complex sex positions?? Because that's not the way it works, at least in my mind.

Let me clarify - she doesn't think that ONSs are 100% not slutty. Just like me, I think they are used for sexual gratification when you are attracted to someone on a temporary basis. So in itself it can be determined as 'slutty', no matter how it was conducted.

She does however state that she was single and didn't conduct herself in a slutty way. Like I said - protected, under the covers, lights off, same mundane position, etcetc. Always knew what she was doing (not OTT drunk) so was in control, had spoken to the guy for a decent amount of time.

YES ONSs in isolation are slutty, I (and she) realises that, and although she doesn't feel 'bad' or 'regret' wholeheartedly these decisions, she doesn't think they were good decisions. What I'm saying is she's never conducted herself like a slut. Never jumped in bed with someone after 30 mins of chat. Never been all over guys. Never approached guys. Never had 'dirty' sex with someone from a ONS. Lights off, under the covers. And like I said, she has gone in way too much detail (she hates telling me btw) to be lying - fully believe her on that.

I know these are minor details, and at the end of the day a ONS is a ONS. But there is a difference between someone who has had ONSs in a 'decent' way (as decent as you can make them) and someone who has had ONSs and has had 50/50 protected/unprotected sex, been in all sorts of positions, done it in a nightclub toilet once, tried a threesome one time, and was subject to a quick 'pick-up and screw' (I've seen them happen!), and any other slutty behaviour that you can think of...

All I am saying is that in context of one night stands, then she hasn't been that slutty about it. There are obviously varying degrees of sluttiness, and of course sluttiness is also subjective. But the way she has conducted whilst on ONSs isn't actually that bad. It's just her decision to actually sleep with someone that she doesn't know that bothers me.

Re: thinking that one night stands that don't involve threesomes etc. are not slutty - these are my words not hers.

I also want to add that, unlike many other girls I've been involved with (read my past posts!!!), I can see no hint of slutty behaviour with my current gf. No signs that she is like that. No cause for concern. She basically just isn't like that...

Edited September 3, 2014 by bitteorca

September 3, 2014

Just because she used "mundane" positions with the lights off, doesn't make it any "better." A one night stand is still a one night stand. Saying that, everyone has a past. If you can't accept her sexual past then you will either have to find a way to accept it and get over it, or let it bother you and have turmoil internally and possibly end up resenting her.

You keep defending her actions, but clearly you aren't happy with them.

September 3, 2014

Just because she used "mundane" positions with the lights off, doesn't make it any "better." A one night stand is still a one night stand. Saying that, everyone has a past. If you can't accept her sexual past then you will either have to find a way to accept it and get over it, or let it bother you and have turmoil internally and possibly end up resenting her.

You keep defending her actions, but clearly you aren't happy with them.

Hey,

I probably disagree tbh, but this is exactly why the whole notion of 'sluttiness' is very subjective. People have varying opinions.

I personally think that it is more slutty to have been bouncing around the bedroom with someone than not. To have had a threesome in my head is more slutty than not. Etcetc. (I'm laughing at myself now because I'm thinking of it like a slut league table, where you are assigned points for different slutty things! haha)

I do however find the fact that she has had one-night stands a put-off - I agree with that (and which is apparent in my previous posts). But this gets 2 points in the slutty rankings, as opposed to multiple points for a slutty one night stand that involved other things.

And this relates to your last point: I am defending her actions in terms of how she has ACTED on those one night stands (and this seems to have become the main focus of this thread), but I am NOT defending the fact that she actually had ONSs!!

And I fully respect her for telling me the truth about everything. I can guarantee the majority of girls don't say a word, and thus avoid all this. At least she has been honest, which in my experience so far with girls, is a trait to hang on to. Not to mention all the other 99 positives she has.

My post was more in relation to how I ruminate about this...

September 3, 2014

I can attest to this, I have had ONSs myself! And mine are probably not as tame as hers!

Now you lost me. If you were a guy who was against casual sex I could relate. But you do the same thing but judge her for it. I guess the only cure for it is asking yourself instead of her this:

If she can engage in casual sex, is she more likely not to be long-term material?

If you think you are, than stop questioning her about it.

And honestly, stop about the whole dignified thing. You are looking at it the wrong way. I would have problem with it but I am not double standarding. I would have an even bigger problem with a woman who conducts sex in a 'dignified' way. Total snooze fest. I can appreciate a dirty past, I am going to reap the benefits. Introduce me to you kinks baby! That is how you should look at it.

September 3, 2014

You must judge yourself really harshly. You have had one night stands also after all.

I guess that makes you think of yourself the same as you think of her.

Better for all if you find someone who doesn't have sex at all outside of long term relationships. Course, that means the relationship would need to become long term (a year at least) before any intimacy happened.

On the other hand all of ...yes...all of her past has added up to make her the person she is today. She sounds like a great person with balance and experiences. It's normal.

Obsess over her past and that is a sure way to lose her.

We each are able to control our own reactions - if you can't over her past then you need some help - professional help.

September 3, 2014

Now you lost me. If you were a guy who was against casual sex I could relate. But you do the same thing but judge her for it. I guess the only cure for it is asking yourself instead of her this:

If you think you are, than stop questioning her about it.

And honestly, stop about the whole dignified thing. You are looking at it the wrong way. I would have problem with it but I am not double standarding. I would have an even bigger problem with a woman who conducts sex in a 'dignified' way. Total snooze fest. I can appreciate a dirty past, I am going to reap the benefits. Introduce me to you kinks baby! That is how you should look at it.

It's double standards - I completely admit that. Madonna/whore complex. Not that it is an excuse, but this is pretty prevalent in males.

And yes, I think whether she has/hasn't been dignified has been focused upon, when this wasn't the point of my post in the first place. I personally believe, in a nutshell, that although ONSs themselves are not a dignified act as such, that at least the nature of the ONSs have been as far as they can be.

And she isn't a snoozefest! But most of her sexual experience comes from her previous long-term partner, not ONSs! This is the problem I guess with (at least my) male psychology: If a girl has been with a partner for a long time, they have had a LOT of sex. If a girl has ONSs, then they probably don't (in totality) get a lot of sex at all. But the girl who does ONSs is the slut. Would I have prefered her to be in multiple unhealthy relationships instead? The PROBLEM being that somehow, for some reason, despite logical thinking, on an emotional level it STILL bothers me...

September 3, 2014

You must judge yourself really harshly. You have had one night stands also after all.
I guess that makes you think of yourself the same as you think of her.

Better for all if you find someone who doesn't have sex at all outside of long term relationships. Course, that means the relationship would need to become long term (a year at least) before any intimacy happened.

On the other hand all of ...yes...all of her past has added up to make her the person she is today. She sounds like a great person with balance and experiences. It's normal.

Obsess over her past and that is a sure way to lose her.
We each are able to control our own reactions - if you can't over her past then you need some help - professional help.

Gemma, I actually agree. It's my emotional brain that runs away with it. From a rational and logical point of view I completely agree.

And, although this seems obvious, I have never flip-reversed this situation like you say, so thanks for this: I have had some ONS's, some dating, and 2 X long-term relationships (one more than her, but I am slightly older). Do I judge myself? No. I have had a healthy mixture of them all. Just like she has. Just like most 20something western society, moderately good looking people have. I'm a good long-term catch, just like she is... But I FOCUS on her ONSs. Like these in isolation define her. Not the fantastic GF she was to her ex-partner, or not the fantastic GF she is to me, or not the many other positives I completely love about her. But I FOCUS on the ONSs - like I'm trying to destroy my view of her on purpose.

I think you're right, just like I suspected from my original post - I probably need some help to stop these destructive obsessive thoughts...

September 3, 2014

I'm still trying to figure out why you are talking to your GF about the intimate details surrounding her "dignified" one night stands. Personally, the last thing I would want to ask or hear is what my GF has done sexually (down to light on/off, positions, etc.) with guys in the past.

September 3, 2014

(1) I think that with a woman's sexual past you have to take into consideration 'what was her motivation behind those acts'....

Cuz, a lot of women are being told by certain groups and the media that they can 'have sex like a man'. Also, some women may have come from a broken home, and while they are not sluttting around, they find/found it difficult to be with someone on the long term. Cuz, at the end of the day, casual RLs don't last and then she has to go out there and get someone else to satisfy her needs and before you know it, she's racked up some numbers.

(2) Whenever someone has a "past", the best indicator of their change (or ability to do so) is simply by spending time and dating them. That's why it takes a minimum of about 1 1/2 to 2 years of actually "dating" someone to see them show their true colors.

September 3, 2014

Is this a compulsion? Rumination at it's worst? Should I seek CBT help? Any help would be appreciated...

Regardless of her being your gf, would you be accepting of her behavior if she was a gf of one of your mates, or a co-worker? Does her behavior fit in your moral code of conduct and your past life style?

I ask this because to me it seems crazy to go off to do CBT/therapy just to accept your gf. If you have to do therapy to be talked around into being okay with your gf's past behavior then she clashes with your self conduct/life principles. She is not right for you... but in this regard only, which is giving you angst since she seems right for you in most other aspects. You need to comes to terms with it, which will be tricky, but I just think if you need to resort to therapy, then she is not right for you. The thing is a lot of women will be cagey & vague on their sexual past or outright fudge it if they sense it might upset the guy or they were really promiscuous, so your next gf could be a lot freakier then your current gf, but just refuse to go into details..'the past is the past so its not your business' type of thing and you be with a gf that would upset you even more but you would be in ignorant bliss. Is that any better..not really imo, but for some guys yeh.

Edited September 3, 2014 by ascendotum

September 3, 2014

Now you lost me. If you were a guy who was against casual sex I could relate.

For some reason I missed this part of OPs post where he said that he had ONSs himself (and not as tame as hers). He lost me, too, now, and can't relate.

In this case, I retract my previous answer, because OP sounds hypocritical to judge his gf for the exact thing he has engaged himself in.

September 3, 2014

Hi Deb, thanks for your words.

Again, I just want to emphasis that I know sex is not really dignified, especially one night stands.

What I was just trying to get across however, was that as far as one-nighter's go, they have been relatively dignified (no 20min pick-ups, no dirty sex, no public places - lights turned off, under the cover, protected, mundane positions).

I know many of you without knowing her will question her honesty about this (if I was a third party reading this I probably would too!), but because I know she's told me everything honestly, I really don't think she's trying to soften the blow with this stuff. She is really honest, and even when it can be to her detriment, she still sticks to her guns and remains honest.

And in terms of whether she has been sexually gratified by them, she has said they have been average at best. She has even admitted that sex is still sex, and is obviously enjoyable to a degree, but at the end of the day, drunken sex with someone for the first time is always poor (I can attest to this, I have had ONSs myself! And mine are probably not as tame as hers!).

But this isn't my problem. My problem is judging her for it. I'm more bothered she has done it on a judgemental level, not a jealous level (Lol at bananas! My banana is fine for her! )

I think I know I need to drop it, but just can't help with rumination. Maybe I need professional help with this side of things. It's almost like a habit. Just like smoking or whatever....

it does become a habit, and that is when resentment starts to breed.....i think therapy might help....there is a name for it ..im back......had to google.....its called retroactive jealousy........i found this for you to read.....and consider.....

You cannot cure retroactive jealousy by thinking about it - Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

good luck op.......deb

September 3, 2014

Thank you for your responses everyone - appreciated...

I'm still trying to figure out why you are talking to your GF about the intimate details surrounding her "dignified" one night stands. Personally, the last thing I would want to ask or hear is what my GF has done sexually (down to light on/off, positions, etc.) with guys in the past.

I know. I'm just one of those people who gets obsessed so has to know every little detail. Over the past 12 months I've built a picture. She hates me asking, but always tells me the truth. Grinds her down. I will lose her if I continue, I realise that. She has nothing to defend herself about, as she has done nothing wrong

(1) I think that with a woman's sexual past you have to take into consideration 'what was her motivation behind those acts'....

Cuz, a lot of women are being told by certain groups and the media that they can 'have sex like a man'. Also, some women may have come from a broken home, and while they are not sluttting around, they find/found it difficult to be with someone on the long term. Cuz, at the end of the day, casual RLs don't last and then she has to go out there and get someone else to satisfy her needs and before you know it, she's racked up some numbers.

(2) Whenever someone has a "past", the best indicator of their change (or ability to do so) is simply by spending time and dating them. That's why it takes a minimum of about 1 1/2 to 2 years of actually "dating" someone to see them show their true colors.

She has actually said to me that when I have mentioned '...but I know you're not like that anymore' she has stopped me in my tracks and said she hasn't changed at all. She's still the same person she has ever been, and that's not a slut as I obviously portray her to be sometimes in my own head (and probably this whole thread). She says she was single, made some bad decisions down the line, but so what. She's still the same girl she's ever been. She's not one of these girls who's slutted about loads and has a flirty/slutty personality, so she hasn't changed her personality, nor thinks she has to.

Regardless of her being your gf, would you be accepting of her behavior if she was a gf of one of your mates, or a co-worker? Does her behavior fit in your moral code of conduct and your past life style?

I ask this because to me it seems crazy to go off to do CBT/therapy just to accept your gf. If you have to do therapy to be talked around into being okay with your gf's past behavior then she clashes with your self conduct/life principles. She is not right for you... but in this regard only, which is giving you angst since she seems right for you in most other aspects. You need to comes to terms with it, which will be tricky, but I just think if you need to resort to therapy, then she is not right for you. The thing is a lot of women will be cagey & vague on their sexual past or outright fudge it if they sense it might upset the guy or they were really promiscuous, so your next gf could be a lot freakier then your current gf, but just refuse to go into details..'the past is the past so its not your business' type of thing and you be with a gf that would upset you even more but you would be in ignorant bliss. Is that any better..not really imo, but for some guys yeh.

Yes I would be accepted of her behaviour if she wasn't my partner. The whole problem is that she is my partner. I love her so much, but in some weird way has that made me ULTRA cautious? Is this an example of self-destructive behaviour? Am I scared that I love her so much?

And the CBT is probably required for a host of things. This is just one of them. I believe I think negatively, and this is a prime example of such. This 5% of dislike of her (and it's not even 'her' as such, it's 'her past') and the 95% of the stuff that I find great about her - I focus on the 5%... Even the 5% is probably unjustified and self-inflicted blowing out of proportion judgement.

And your last point about women being cagey or fudging - completely agree. She's been nothing but honest with me, which I need to respect. I could have another woman who has only told me half her real past, and I would be sat here all content, not writing this thread. But she has told me, and it's bothered me. But for what it's worth, I do respect her total honesty, even when she knows I'll get moody about it.

For some reason I missed this part of OPs post where he said that he had ONSs himself (and not as tame as hers). He lost me, too, now, and can't relate.

In this case, I retract my previous answer, because OP sounds hypocritical to judge his gf for the exact thing he has engaged himself in.

I completely agree with you. It's the one thing I have double standards about. I know it's not right, but it just exists within me for some reason.

it does become a habit, and that is when resentment starts to breed.....i think therapy might help....there is a name for it ..im back......had to google.....its called retroactive jealousy........i found this for you to read.....and consider.....

You cannot cure retroactive jealousy by thinking about it - Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

good luck op.......deb

Thank you Deb - I have actually heard of this, but not sure it is jealousy (although I admit to a bit) that is the main problem - more a judgemental thing...

September 3, 2014

The OP is sexually insecure and worries some of the guys were better than he is. I'm sure some were. But she is with HIM now, so I don't see a problem other than he is a hypocrite.

September 3, 2014

For your next girlfriend...

(A) Don't ask about her sexual past

(B) If she tries to offer up her sexual past, don't let her.

Some things are better left unknown.

I never ask, and I never tell.

September 3, 2014

The OP is sexually insecure and worries some of the guys were better than he is. I'm sure some were. But she is with HIM now, so I don't see a problem other than he is a hypocrite.

Have you even read this thread?! It's not a sexual/jealousy thing: I said quite a while ago that I know I fulfil her in this way. I also said that ONSs are generally average at best. And I also said (by her own admission) that I've given her the best (I hate typing that as it's so crude, but not sure how else to put it!)

What it is, is a psychological problem of going over-and-over-and-over, and also a judgemental thing. I'm not that bothered about the ACTUAL sex. Just all the perceived judgement I place on her character from the circumstances (although we made progress with this in recent posts!)

For your next girlfriend...

(A) Don't ask about her sexual past
(B) If she tries to offer up her sexual past, don't let her.

Some things are better left unknown.

I never ask, and I never tell.

I agree. Hopefully I won't have another one (or at least foreseeable future!) but after this, I agree that shouldn't ask. She doesn't want to know mine, as she knows she has me now, and doesn't matter about my past. There's also an argument even though I know about her past now, I still shouldn't be concerned - a few ONSs, some dating and a LTR is pretty average - like I said though, the problem is in MY head!!!

September 4, 2014

But I constantly think about her past and I judge her. I guess there is a bit of insecurity about it (of course I don't like the thought of her sleeping with someone else, as I doubt many people do), but I think the main element is judgement, not comparison. Not to blow my own horn, but I know I please her a lot in this way, and know that I'm probably giving her the best she's had by her own admission (sorry to be crude, just want to highlight this point in context).

Her past is comprised of a 4 year relationship (which doesn't bother me in the SLIGHTEST), but then it's mostly casual before and after that. Before her 4 year relationship she was young and slept with quite a few people at parties etc. and after her 4yr relationship she had a mixture of dating a few people, and had one night stands also (she went travelling at this point as well, so this probably bumped up the numbers).

If it wasn't for the people she slept with when she was younger before her long-term relationship, she'd probably have a very average/below average sexual past. She also said, that although she has had ONSs, she has always conducted herself in a proper manner and always dignified about it. Again, the actual sex sounds very-very tame, no wild experiences or situations where she felt degraded etc. Always with guys who she'd been chatting to all night, and left in a dignified manner. Always protected. No threesomes, no public sex, no 20 min chat and jump in a taxi situations, or any other stuff. She even had lights switched off every time, under the covers, and the most mundane positions!! She has said to me that although she has done the ONSs, she has never acted like a slut - never been all over guys, never done anything wild. I guess she just hooked up with people when she was single that she was attracted to both physically and after chatting to them for a while, and her circumstances at the time meant there was more opportunity to do this (I think her travelling for 3 months, she could have actually slept with a lot more guys really!)

Okay. So you're judging a slut for being a slut. What's the problem?

She slept around carelessly and you're trying to justify it by saying "oh, well the lights were off," "ugh, they had boring sex positions..."

September 4, 2014

Thank you for your responses everyone - appreciated...

I know. I'm just one of those people who gets obsessed so has to know every little detail. Over the past 12 months I've built a picture. She hates me asking, but always tells me the truth. Grinds her down. I will lose her if I continue, I realise that. She has nothing to defend herself about, as she has done nothing wrong

She has actually said to me that when I have mentioned '...but I know you're not like that anymore' she has stopped me in my tracks and said she hasn't changed at all. She's still the same person she has ever been, and that's not a slut as I obviously portray her to be sometimes in my own head (and probably this whole thread). She says she was single, made some bad decisions down the line, but so what. She's still the same girl she's ever been. She's not one of these girls who's slutted about loads and has a flirty/slutty personality, so she hasn't changed her personality, nor thinks she has to.

Yes I would be accepted of her behaviour if she wasn't my partner. The whole problem is that she is my partner. I love her so much, but in some weird way has that made me ULTRA cautious? Is this an example of self-destructive behaviour? Am I scared that I love her so much?

And the CBT is probably required for a host of things. This is just one of them. I believe I think negatively, and this is a prime example of such. This 5% of dislike of her (and it's not even 'her' as such, it's 'her past') and the 95% of the stuff that I find great about her - I focus on the 5%... Even the 5% is probably unjustified and self-inflicted blowing out of proportion judgement.

And your last point about women being cagey or fudging - completely agree. She's been nothing but honest with me, which I need to respect. I could have another woman who has only told me half her real past, and I would be sat here all content, not writing this thread. But she has told me, and it's bothered me. But for what it's worth, I do respect her total honesty, even when she knows I'll get moody about it.

I completely agree with you. It's the one thing I have double standards about. I know it's not right, but it just exists within me for some reason.

Thank you Deb - I have actually heard of this, but not sure it is jealousy (although I admit to a bit) that is the main problem - more a judgemental thing...

its where you catn stop thinking about your partners past...and it affects you which i think it does affect you and your gfs interactions..... ...it is a form of jealousy.....deb

September 4, 2014

She has actually said to me that when I have mentioned '...but I know you're not like that anymore' she has stopped me in my tracks and said she hasn't changed at all. She's still the same person she has ever been, and that's not a slut as I obviously portray her to be sometimes in my own head (and probably this whole thread). She says she was single, made some bad decisions down the line, but so what. She's still the same girl she's ever been. She's not one of these girls who's slutted about loads and has a flirty/slutty personality, so she hasn't changed her personality, nor thinks she has to.

^ This is what's concerning: she's telling you she hasn't changed. She doesn't regret her random sexcapades. She doesn't regret sleeping with all those one night stands. She sounds impulsive and shallow - and because she doesn't regret it, she'd go right back to her ways if she ever left you. You can bet she's had several pregnancy scares, at least one abortion, and probably a few STDs. But don't worry: she's the same person she was and she regrets none of it.

Run, don't walk.

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