boilingpoint Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Over a year and a half ago it was and it still plays on my mind. Especially now for some reason... She was my drama teacher and actually there was pretty much an immediate attraction - she was super nice to me, singling me out in class, giving me plenty of attention... calling me by my first name. Anyway I was so blown away by this attention from someone so confident and attractive that I kind of became super reserved/shy and adopted a superficial 'don't give a ****' attitude during her classes. To cut a story short I pretty much blew the connection sky high particularly by coming to class 45 minutes late and not apologising (did this twice and actually though they were both accidental). Anyway she was trying to distance herself from me in the last class and clearly wasn't having good feelings about me. I felt it was a misunderstanding on her part at least partially but exacerbated by my weird behaviour. It actually really hurt when I realised she didn't want anything to do with me, but because of this fact I kind of got pissed off thought 'well **** you too...' But now almost 2 years since the first class I had with her, it's playing on my mind again like I had an awesome chance to connect with someone I found really attractive (even just as friends as long as she was in my life I'd be thrilled) but instead of taking advantage of this, I totally annihilated the opportunity... I still get the odd group email from her about her classes, or the last time about some play/evening she was going out to but there's no way I feel confident emailing her and saying 'heyyy, remember me? Yep...still got a thing for you. Wanna hang out some time?' Should I just finally move on, get a better social life and try find another crush? I've been on dates since then but haven't met anyone I had a genuine connection with...
DrSimple Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 The best answer to a "What if?" is to go ask the question. Regardless of what she tells you, you get closure on the situation rather then end up languishing on a loose end in your mind. Ideally you could simply ask her out in real life if you know where to bump into her, an email is a little tough to bridge the commication gap after 2 years incognito. 1
Standard-Fare Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Although I don't think it's really healthy to be pining after a crush two years after the fact, if this woman is still present in your life (even if it's just through email), and you know she's single (do you?), you might as well explore these lingering curiosities. You don't have much to lose. If you strike out, it's not like you'd be losing a friend, or threatening the teacher/student relationship anymore. I think an email with "Remember me?" is exactly the tactic you want, and ask her if she'd want to catch up sometime over beers or something. If you were truly a piece of sh*t in her class and you think that still stands out in her memory, maybe you should make fun of yourself a little. Like, "Man, I have some regrets about being such an immature a*shole in your class."
Imported Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 I've blown lots of oppertunities with lots of women. There is always another. However She was my drama teacher and actually there was pretty much an immediate attraction - she was super nice to me, singling me out in class, giving me plenty of attention... calling me by my first name. Anyway I was so blown away by this attention from someone so confident and attractive that I kind of became super reserved/shy and adopted a superficial 'don't give a ****' attitude during her classes. To cut a story short I pretty much blew the connection sky high particularly by coming to class 45 minutes late and not apologising (did this twice and actually though they were both accidental). What she did there just sounds like normal teacher studant behaviour.
Author boilingpoint Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 I've blown lots of oppertunities with lots of women. There is always another. However What she did there just sounds like normal teacher studant behaviour. Well that's the thing - she was a type of touchy feely, extroverted, kind of people person so there's no way of being 100% sure... but yeah I just got a vibe i.e. she would look at me, smile and turn away sort of thing or stroke my hand when walking behind me, hold my head in her hands and look at me, give me hugs... I think she definitely liked me at first as a person but didn't think I would try asking her out... and didn't want me to - especially at the end. I did actually approach her after class once but she seemed like she was flattered but nervous/worried about me liking her since she seemed to think I was some sort of loose cannon. Anyway I think she had a boyfriend back then (and probably has someone now) but I don't know. In any case I still would have liked to get to know her better.
Author boilingpoint Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 Although I don't think it's really healthy to be pining after a crush two years after the fact, if this woman is still present in your life (even if it's just through email), and you know she's single (do you?), you might as well explore these lingering curiosities. You don't have much to lose. If you strike out, it's not like you'd be losing a friend, or threatening the teacher/student relationship anymore. I think an email with "Remember me?" is exactly the tactic you want, and ask her if she'd want to catch up sometime over beers or something. If you were truly a piece of sh*t in her class and you think that still stands out in her memory, maybe you should make fun of yourself a little. Like, "Man, I have some regrets about being such an immature a*shole in your class." Well yeah I could send her an email but she's effectively already rejected me once... so I have no reason to believe she'll reply at all. I think the only way I feel I could legitimately interest her would be if we bumped into each other in London somewhere in a pub or something. Her group emails have stopped recently after the last one saying 'come to this...' and had her saying she was going to see a play she helped put on and would be having night out, dancing, drinks etc... I thought about how it would be if I went to that and I'm pretty sure if I came to that by myself she'd freak and think I'm after her again.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Based on what you wrote, I doubt that she was actually attracted to you. Sounds like a lot of wishfully thinking. Also, one of the key things in life is timing. Even if there was something you missed the boat. I would just move on. 1
Author boilingpoint Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 Based on what you wrote, I doubt that she was actually attracted to you. Sounds like a lot of wishfully thinking. Also, one of the key things in life is timing. Even if there was something you missed the boat. I would just move on. Ok thanks. Will do - it's good to talk about it though.
sid3 Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 It may be good talk about, better yet learn from it. Regrets are typically worse than a rejection. 1
Standard-Fare Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 When exactly did she reject you in the past? I read the part where she kind of dismissed you after you acted like an a*shole in her class. But did you ever explicitly show interest/ask her on a date or something in the past? If that did happen, and she turned you down, then yeah... I'd say it's best to leave it alone.
Author boilingpoint Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 When exactly did she reject you in the past? I read the part where she kind of dismissed you after you acted like an a*shole in her class. But did you ever explicitly show interest/ask her on a date or something in the past? If that did happen, and she turned you down, then yeah... I'd say it's best to leave it alone. The interest was obvious and at one point was mutual...especially at the very beginning, except I think my interest sky rocketed and hers didn't. It was all very subtle and a lot to do with body language i.e. plenty of eye contact and suggestive looks but no explicit communication other than the teacher/pupil relationship. In one of the last classes, I approached her at the end when everyone else was gone and she seemed worried/anxious so I kind of dropped it. Then in the next class I saw her looking at me and smiling and at one point gave me a hug or whatever - this kind of made me think she was still interested. However in the last few classes I also caught her looking at me as if she thought I was some sort of maniac... she continued being nice until going completely cold in the final class when I was 45min late and didn't apologise - she probably thought I did it deliberately for some reason and from there on she treated me as if I was crazy (actually the truth is I had missed my train and was just late...). The final nail in the coffin was when I was hanging around her at the end of that last class, she looked around, saw me and pretty much bolted... I remember one of my tutors alluding to the classes I had with her and saying 'have you ever considered therapy?'. I'm pretty high on social anxiety so yes I'm also inexperienced with women but I'm basically underneath it all I'm nice and normal... I was just playacting some bull**** cool persona to impress her and I think it worked in a really negative way. The truth is I hardly spoke in her classes at all since I felt massively shy around her and instead of just being myself I was acting like some cool, stoic guy with an attitude and his head to one side... you get the idea. Anyway all that felt awful because I got to like her A LOT and think she kind of did too until totally misunderstanding me and basically wishing I wasn't there anymore. If I'd been myself more during her classes, rather than coming across as moody or strange, I think I would have had a chance with her at the time... to at least get to know her better, if not a date. And that's the thing - misrepresenting yourself to people you have a connection with hurts because you realise that at one point they saw the real you and liked what they saw and then you BLEW IT by acting in an artificial way designed only to impress until it backfired making you look like some schizo.
Standard-Fare Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Well, I agree that your chances are low, but it sounds like you never directly made your interest clear to her in the past, so I don't see what you have to lose by trying to get back in touch. Just email her with something like: "Hey, remember me? I was such an a*shole in your class. I want to apologize for that. I always had a little crush on you and I tried to play it cool. FAIL. Anyway, how are you doing these days?" See if she responds to that – if so, then you could ask her out for coffee or a beer or something. If she doesn't respond at all, well, go on with your life!
Author boilingpoint Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 Well, I agree that your chances are low, but it sounds like you never directly made your interest clear to her in the past, so I don't see what you have to lose by trying to get back in touch. Just email her with something like: "Hey, remember me? I was such an a*shole in your class. I want to apologize for that. I always had a little crush on you and I tried to play it cool. FAIL. Anyway, how are you doing these days?" See if she responds to that – if so, then you could ask her out for coffee or a beer or something. If she doesn't respond at all, well, go on with your life! Thanks for the advice. Maybe I'll email her but 99% she'll either not reply or reply 'Yes I am fine - not creeped out by a random email 2 years later at all. You're welcome to sign up to another one of my classes... sort of. Bye' Anyway she definitely knew I had a big crush on her. I approached her several times after class asking questions, being obviously interested in her. The reason for this is mainly that during the first classes I felt she reached out to me, calling me by my first name (which she didn't do to anyone else) smiling at only me before looking away, grabbing my hand... so genuine initial signs of interest but nothing more. I was the one who took it to the next level. I think the main problems were the unwaveringly consistent and super unattractive persona and the two times I showed an outrageous 45 min late - she had a real problem with the lateness and actually had a reputation of hating late comers. So being late and acting like a freak turned an initially sweet interaction into an angst-ridden, toxic situation for her and her teaching style. So there I was rolling in 45min late to the last lesson and I could really see how much it affected her. It was subdued but she really flipped out, she was looking angry and completely ignoring me or bolting whenever I was in her vicinity. She also definitely complained to the course tutor about me so I am in no doubt that she had 100% enough of me. Anyway thanks to all that, I never got to interact with her normally, maybe ask her out in a normal way and maybe get accepted/rejected in a nice polite fashion. I also remember seeing her with a guy after one of the classes so I assume that was her boyfriend... she's attractive so I doubt she has any problem getting men whatsoever. Saying all that I've adapted the email you suggested I send - Hi, Remember me? Hope you don’t mind the odd random email. I was recently thinking back to your classes and decided I wanted to apologise for some of my bad manners at the time - had quite a crush on you back then and that was my way of playing it cool… (yikes). Anyway, how are you these days? R. Sound good?
Standard-Fare Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Saying all that I've adapted the email you suggested I send - Hi, Remember me? Hope you don’t mind the odd random email. I was recently thinking back to your classes and decided I wanted to apologise for some of my bad manners at the time - had quite a crush on you back then and that was my way of playing it cool… (yikes). Anyway, how are you these days? R. Sound good? Take out "back then" because that makes it sound like distant history, when the reality is you're still thinking of this crush. And you also might want to end with a more specific question for her that would require a direct answer. Like "How are you these days? Still teaching [specific class name]?" ... or something better based on whatever you know about her. Otherwise she could more easily ignore the "How are you these days?"
Teknoe Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Hi, Remember me? Hope you don’t mind the odd random email. I was recently thinking back to your classes and decided I wanted to apologise for some of my bad manners at the time - had quite a crush on you back then and that was my way of playing it cool… (yikes). Anyway, how are you these days? R. Sound good? Honestly, no. I wouldn't mention the crush, or apologize. It's too much, and coming out of nowhere, she will be like "HUH? What? Er, OK. Whatever." Also, take out the "hope you don't mind" -- be ASSERTIVE! Instead I would go with something strong like this --- Hi, Remember me? I was recently thinking back to your classes. Fun times. How are you these days? If you're ever around ____, hit me up for drinks. On me! My cell: ______ R.
Author boilingpoint Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 Honestly, no. I wouldn't mention the crush, or apologize. It's too much, and coming out of nowhere, she will be like "HUH? What? Er, OK. Whatever." Also, take out the "hope you don't mind" -- be ASSERTIVE! Instead I would go with something strong like this --- Hi, Remember me? I was recently thinking back to your classes. Fun times. How are you these days? If you're ever around ____, hit me up for drinks. On me! My cell: ______ R. Yeah that sounds a lot better, thanks. I might use something like that in the future but instead of sending an email out of the blue, I've opted for the safe option first by sending a friend request on facebook out of the blue - she didn't accept it... There's no chance she's forgotten about me, and I don't really believe she dislikes me, rather that she's wary, picks her 'friends' carefully and doesn't like me stalking her profile/getting my hopes up and all that. There's also a very little chance she's starved of sex/boyfriends so a potentially crazy guy with a crush is very easy to ignore too. In a weird way I'm kind of glad she ignored the friend request. Anyway as I said there was definitely chemistry throughout her classes but I relentlessly creeped her out progressively as the classes went on - but then I was also a bit of a black sheep in the class as a whole so it was very difficult to open up and talk to her normally. I had fostered a sort of malcontent/crazy/rebellious reputation at the college there... that was my schtick and people really bought it. Still trying to figure out why I did that... :-) If I get more group emails from her, especially ones saying she's gonna go out on such and such a night/event/whatever then I'll email her then to ask how she's doing and hopefully she'll reply with something positive. There's no way I'm gonna try track her down or go to any of her classes anymore so if I don't get a clear opportunity to talk to her in a social situation and be normal around her, then screw it.
nerdlingZA Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Atleast u've your crush's email, I've no way of contacting my crush, I had an opportunity to get her number I was sitting with her, I had her phone on my hands, but b'coz I was sitting next to her for the 1st tym the thought of getting her number went to japan
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Should I just finally move on, get a better social life and try find another crush? I've been on dates since then but haven't met anyone I had a genuine connection with... Yes. I hate to break it to you, but you didn't have a genuine connection with this one. Assuming your interpretation is correct, and she took a liking to you, you responded with disrespect for her class, and consequently, for her. That was your first inappropriate response. Now you're getting emails to former students blasted at you and you think it means something. That is your second inappropriate response. Going for a hat trick? Email her back expressing your interest. You'll be 3 for 3.
Author boilingpoint Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 (edited) Yes. I hate to break it to you, but you didn't have a genuine connection with this one. Assuming your interpretation is correct, and she took a liking to you, you responded with disrespect for her class, and consequently, for her. That was your first inappropriate response. Now you're getting emails to former students blasted at you and you think it means something. That is your second inappropriate response. Going for a hat trick? Email her back expressing your interest. You'll be 3 for 3. Thanks for the feedback. I do believe she genuinely liked me during the first classes with her. The middle classes she became more ambivalent but still very friendly and by the last class she was angry, worried, fearful and didn't have any positive sentiments at all. About this 'inappropriate response' you talk about - that's just a matter of interpretation. I didn't feel any disrespect AT ALL at the time, even though I may have acted that way. Judging from her angry reactions, the fact that I didn't apologise for sauntering into her classes 45 minutes late on two occasions was a deciding factor in her mind. In reality the lateness was genuinely an unintentional mistake and I felt like telling her I was sorry when I got there... but I didn't do that and instead sort of played up to that dickhead image of someone who would do that... also she did not ask me why I was late... why not? 45 min late on two occasions. No one else did that but me and she didn't ask. But yeah anyway it was obvious that she was fuming by the end so disrespect was definitely her interpretation of it and I guess that's all that matters really... she judged me on my outward behaviour. I've pretty much almost come to terms with it finally but damn... it's not at all what I intended. It was just my way of flirting with her. Ultimately I KNOW I wasn't being myself during my time at that college and I was even aware of it at the time. I think I was actually quite mature at that point but was sort of acting like a brat anyway. I sort of wanted to be a brat so I guess the good thing is that by doing that I got it out of my system. Edited September 15, 2014 by boilingpoint
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