hellischrome Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Background: I have been in a horrible and exhausting relationship for 1.5 years - it ended a few weeks ago (he dumped me). The first 3 days have been horrible, but then I just started being fine. After two weeks I spent some time with a new guy I met through common friends - with a few concerns at the beginning as he looks like a player and when I am single I am a bit of a player too, but we had a really nice time together. No sex, he wants to actually know me. Now... what? After the first time we met he went away for work for a full week and we met again the other day. We did a bit of playing there as both of us wanted the other to go ever, in the end I said I was just too tired and he texted, called and eventually came over. The day after we started a heated argument about our situation - he said he likes me a lot but doesn't want to be a rebound and explicitly said he doesn't to put a label on it but if I want we can be exclusive. I agreed, saying that I can't promise anything. Now, he almost never initiate texts, yesterday after a full day of radio silence I asked if he wanted to have dinner today and he said I was lovely but he's busy and that we should do it next week. He also does all kind of things like making stupid comments on pictures of girls on Facebook (well, on the other hand I make all kind of comments too ). He also said during the argument that he wouldn't be wasting his time if he didn't see this going somewhere. Help me? I've never been in a situation like this, help me read the guy, I just would like to understand if he's playing or what.
Mr Scorpio Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 I can't say. Can you provide more details about the argument? First he says that he doesn't want to be a rebound (he wants a relationship?) then he says he doesn't want to put a label on it (he doesn't want a relationship?) then he says he wouldn't be wasting his time if he didn't see this going somewhere (he wants a relationship). Based off of just that I would say he's playing. But then there is the no sex thing. He is saying that he wants to wait, and he is keeping his distance from you. Either he is playing hard to get, or he is concerned about getting burned, thus the "no rebound" part. Are you sure you're okay to reenter this world of games? You met this guy two weeks after a 1.5 year relationship. Have you taken the time to stop and breath? To figure out what you want?
Author hellischrome Posted September 4, 2014 Author Posted September 4, 2014 I know, he is been contradictory, hence why I have strange gut feelings about the fact that he might be playing. The argument was cause I used the word -boundaries- and he thought I was asking for more distance, but I am not a native speaker and what I meant is that I wanted to know where's my limit: when I go out on a Friday night I behave differently if I am "completely" single or if I am seeing someone. When I explained that, he said that then we should be exclusive and that he would have asked that in 1 or 2 weeks. But still, if he's playing, if he's so busy (and he is), why taking the time to be exclusive with me and making some time to go out with me? I actually am sure that I am over my ex as that thing was ended ages ago, and I really like this guy, but I spent the last 1.5 years playing games and this is the last thing I want. Example: Yesterday, haven't heard from him all day. He texted at 6pm asking how my day has been, I was busy and replied after 2 hours that I was at a friend's place blablabla. No reply. After 4 hours I texted again saying "Well, goodnight!" and he replied straight away (probably thought I was upset). The very moment I understand these are games I will disappear, but I don't want to think bad of him just because in general people are f*cked up. Maybe not everyone is a horrible person, maybe he is genuinely scared. I don't know.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 IMO, the heated argument may have turned a dislike towards you. Sort of unexpected, and surprising to say the least. If you never told him about your hot hotheadedness, it may have been too much all at once for him to think about long term with you. I think you need to be more open about who you are in your next dating relationship. Meaning if a guy can't handle your worst, then no sense wasting both your time with learning the difficulties later on. Most say keep such things hidden, I say bring me your best shot. This way the next time it happens I can understand what to expect. I have a hotheaded potty mouthed fiery woman as an LDR. Believe me nobody wants to deal with such a thing when it comes to heated arguments. Though in 3 years only one popped up, and it was less than expected. In an odd way, I think accepting what you have between each other allows for understanding better. As the blowup was a fizzle to say the least. There are a number of things to make a hotheaded person more calm and cuddly. Just you can't get there unless you take the time to understand both sides of the issue. Even when you feel your side is most important. I never put myself more important than my LDR, even when I feel I am not being understood. I take a breath, think of how to rephrase, and start over. I never leave an argument for later, even if time is limited, I find time to send a message or two about what I felt at the time and what caused the misunderstanding. The both of you must trust each other to be so open, even if it may feel uncomfy. Being able to voice yourself and being heard makes all the difference in the world.
preraph Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I don't know who brought up being commitment first, so hard to know what his comment was about "don't want to put a label on it but we can be exclusive if you want." But I could take that to mean he doesn't want to call you a fiance or anything like that, and maybe not even introduce as "the girlfriend" but still "a girlfriend" and you'll need to clarify that, but that he is fine with not seeing other people. He sounds very worried that you are rebounding or still into your ex. So if you've been talking about your ex with him or someone else who could tell him, stop it. If you are still wanting your ex back, you need to be honest with him. Your comment "not promising anything" wasn't very convincing. So maybe it's too soon for even monogamy here. So if you want this guy, definitely shut totally up about your ex, remove all photos from view and pack them away, etc.
Author hellischrome Posted September 5, 2014 Author Posted September 5, 2014 Yeah, during that night (last time I saw him) I made the mistake of mentioning my ex and also said that we met twice last week, but it was to say that I don't think he is a rebound cause I felt nothing. The guy said that he doesn't like to hear the guy's name and snapped a bit, so I am not going to mention him ever again, or at least not at this stage. He is not initiating contact anymore, but he does reply after 1 second when I write. The argument was a bit heated but it takes two to tango, he was pretty upset as well. I don't know if I should write that I thought about it and I am sorry of how things went the last time we met, and that hopefully now that things are clearer it'll be better. Would you suggest doing something like that?
preraph Posted September 5, 2014 Posted September 5, 2014 Well, you can't tell him "I won't talk about him again" because that sounds like "I'll keep it secret," so unless you are prepared to quit talking to and seeing your ex, you're going to lose this guy. Some people are very firm about that and really hate women talking about their exes, even when it's way far back and just history, but certainly not all guys are like that. Most of my guys weren't like that, but in a way it makes sense right after the breakup because he's probably been through this before. It's like dating a separated guy and having to go through the divorce with them. No matter what the separated guy still thinks of his divorce/wife issues as more immediate, more important and will shuttle you aside when they come up and think you're a nut if you beg to differ. So it's not an attitude without foundation. It's time to choose. Move on with this guy and tell him flat out this made you realize that's what you need to do and you're going no contact -- or stop trying to have a serious relationship while you're still trying to retrieve your ex.
Author hellischrome Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 Well I guess I just ruined everything, if ever there was a thing... I went out with friends yesterday and texted him to see what he was up to, he replied he was in X place (in another city) and that I should go there with him one day and what I was up to, and I replied that I was having a(nother) big night out, no response, texted him again (and the text was a bit nasty, stuff like -you know it's good courtesy to reply to texts-, no response, then this morning at 6am I got home and wrote to him: Sorry for the last text, by the way I just got home and there you go, this is what you wanted to know, you are not a rebound. Never got a reply. Oh, well! But I had a lot of fun with my friends.
preraph Posted September 6, 2014 Posted September 6, 2014 Well, his comment about going there with you sometime was somewhat encouraging. He sounds like he's doing a little passive-aggressive stuff. Not too bad though. You know, that thing you text on also has a calling feature....but I wouldn't be too demanding right now about that stuff. Let him settle down a bit.
Author hellischrome Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 What he said sounded good, you're right, especially because he was talking about his home town. He texted me back this morning saying we should talk about what I said in person because that kind of convo never ends well with texts - and I agree. He also asked me -how was your night, beautiful?-. So all good I guess. I will just wait to see him next time (hopefully next week). And you're right again, it's time to let him settle down.
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