Is this real OR am I just stupid?

[RealConfused]

I go through ups and downs when I feel great about my relationship, but then I also feel like it's the worst thing that happened to me in life. I am a 23 y/o female. My significant other is 25. We've been dating for almost 8 years now. He is my first and only boyfriend. We've been married for 1 year now and we have 3 kids.

 

I want to say that I accept full responsibility for what I have/haven't done in my relationship.

 

So, basically, my husband is a good man in general, we've just had a lot of issues. He's done things in the past as a young guy that wasn't acceptable. He had a bad temper and we'd get into horrible arguments that sometimes became physical. He left me at home s lot because he had a hard time grasping his role as a family man at the young age of 21. He was never able to really support our family. Etc.

 

As of this point, he's improved in a lot of areas. He treats me a lot better. He is there for me and the kids. But it keeps coming up that we may not.need to be together. My husband still isn't working. He's had jobs on and off, but can't keep a job for various reasons. So, we are now living with his mom, which we've been here for 9 months. I'm working and have the only income. I hate my situation, being married young with kids. I told my husband multiple times that I'm confused and unsure if I want to be with him or not. It hurts him, but we've gone through so much and I just don't want this to be my life. My parents and friends all thought I was going to be with someone different and be in a different place in life, but I'm not and.no one understands why.

 

I just fell madly in love and then life happened. Sometimes I think I can be with someone who treats me well and can help support me, someone different, someone better.

But then it's like, I'm 23 with 3 kids, who would even want tobother with me.

 

I'm wondering if I should really leave this relationship behind or if I should continue to try and hope that my husband will be able to support us and be the person I need.

 

Hope that makes sense. Please feel free to message me if need be.

 

It's a lot more complicated than I can say, but I hope you get an okay summary.

Edited September 3, 2014 by RealConfused

[TheyCallMeOx]

I'm sorry it took so long to respond to your thread.

 

I wouldn't say that this isn't necessarily bad news, but it's a very inconvenient truth: only people can change themselves.

 

You love your husband, but you need his support. You may feel like you're doing most of the work, and you may be feeling that your husband is, in a way, dragging you down. With all your heart, you want him to jump into action; you think that telling him that he might lose you is going to motivate him to change, but it most likely doesn't. The fact that your husband can't keep a job is telling me that he's "consistent at being inconsistent," which is good because he's more likely to pin-point why he can't keep a job and figure out a solution. He'll probably need some kind of therapy, or some kind of guidance to figure out what he's doing wrong.

 

You know your husband the best, so only you can judge whether he's actively trying to make the circumstances better. If he's trying his hardest to work things out, I'm willing to bet you wouldn't be so concerned. However, because you live with his parents and because he can't keep a job, I'm assuming that you may feel like he's not trying his hardest. If that's the case, he could be having a real big issue with his life and doesn't realize the severity of it.

 

He's trying hard, but you still may feel that you're doing more of the work. Being a good father and husband takes a lot of sacrifices, but if you both are living with someone's parents, you may feel like you're not really being the kind of family you could be. Both the mother and father should be able to share responsibilities equally. If someone feels like they're doing more of the work, there's a complete imbalance. When you think about the children, there could be a lot of psychological consequences to that.

 

I'm not going to say that he's not going to change, but the real question is...is he going to change when you need him the most? Right now, I'm getting the impression that you're doubting the future, and that is NEVER a good sign regardless of which stage you're at in a relationship. You're only a year into the marriage and already having these thoughts? Not good. Not good at all. Some guys end up shaping up, but I believe that most guys don't. It's unfortunate, but I think that people change the most when they lose someone; especially when they lose someone because of something they've failed to do. Sometimes, traumatic situations can teach us some pretty important life lessons. If your husband is like some, everything you say about you leaving him, he's just going to think "nah...she would never leave me. She loves me. She always says so." While that may be true and all, at this point in time...you have to ask yourself...do you believe he's going to change? NOT "do you WANT him to change" because, of course, you WANT him to change, but do you believe he's going to? If you don't know, you haven't given him enough time. However, if deep down you believe he's not going to change, then you have gathered enough evidence to suggest that he's not going to. When you make your decision, you have to be prepared for a possible sh*tstorm because I could imagine divorce and all those things aren't pretty. You may doubt "did I make the right decision," which is why it's so important to everything in your power to help him. Perhaps he needs counseling, perhaps something can be done about it. If so, try it out and see what happens. If he doesn't want to put any effort into solving his problems, or half-asses it just to please his wife, then he's not ready to put in the effort that you need in a man.

 

Marriage is supposed to be for the rest of your life, so TIME isn't the issue here; the quality of your life is. You can make sacrifices for him, stay with him, support him, all that you want to, but you have to do all that for a reason. If, at the end of the day, you feel that you have no more reasons to fight for him, then it would probably be best to separate and find someone who can support you in the ways that you would like.

 

And I'm sure there are guys out there who would still date/marry a young woman with kids. I won't say that you're less likely to find young guys your age who are willing to do that, but I won't say they aren't out there. Don't let fear be your excuse to not improve yourself, however.

[stillafool]

Have you thought about going back to school and seeking a career that can support you and your kids the way you want to live? It is up to you to give yourself the life you want. You cannot sit back and expect another person to do that for you. It is just as hard on him as it is you. I'm sure he doesn't like being only 25 and strapped with a wife and kids. The two of you need to sit down and make a plan and stick to it otherwise make one yourself. You are young now and have the energy to work hard so I woud suggest you get started.