Should I contact him?

[hotchocolate111]

Sorry this is a long post but I REALLY need some help (feel like I'm losing my mind) so I'd appreciate some advice

 

My ex broke up with me 4 and 1/2 months ago. We go to the same school and so over the summer we did not see or contact each other since he told me he did not want to be friends (because it is too hard for him to be my friend apparently without wanting something more). It was a bad break up. I was really shocked he broke up with me and I cried to him a lot that I missed him and kept asking him why for about a month afterward, but since school ended I haven't tried to contact him. He also was giving me mixed messages right after the breakup as one day he would cry to me and want to hug me and the next not want to talk to me so it was crazy.

He gave me lame excuses for breaking up but he basically said he doesn't want a girlfriend right now and he is confused.

Over the summer I was hurting but was relatively okay and functional (we live in different states so I knew I wouldn't see him)

Now that we've gone back to school I know he is here but we haven't crossed paths and he hasn't tried to contact me. We've been here for about a week and every time I walk onto the campus I get severe anxiety about seeing him. I sometimes cannot hold conversations with people because I feel so anxious that it turns into this social awkwardness. I feel severely depressed. I spend all day in my room maybe because I'm afraid of bumping into him or maybe because I'm just really sad or both. I can't form one coherent thought without thinking about him and this has all been since I've come back to school. I have a lot of panic about bumping into him when I go out and then when I don't see him I have panic about him avoiding me. I really don't know why I'm reacting this way but I can't help it. I've really tried to stay positive, busy, and try to be social but its eating me alive and even my friends are wondering why I'm acting so different and weird. I burst into tears almost everyday when I'm alone and I'm just barely functioning.

I'm really not sure if he's mad at me or doesn't care or if he'd be nice or mean if he saw me. I really have no idea what he's doing with his life or how he feels. I can't even explain why I feel the way I do. Maybe its because I feel like seeing him will make me have to confront myself with all the **** that went down in our break up which I am painfully ashamed of or maybe I just expected him to reach out to me when we got back to school and it really hurts me that he hasn't. I should also mention that the major reason he broke up with me is because he is an avid studier and needed to focus on school but he promised if he ever has time and can handle a girlfriend that he will reach out to me and that he's not closing the door on us being together again. So maybe a sick little part of me has been holding onto that during the summer and now I know since he hasn't reached out to me its not going to happen. I just also really miss him a lot. He was my best friend and this is just really really hard. I still obviously care about his well being very much and it is very painful that he doesn't care at all.

Sorry to rant

Point blank, should I, in the efforts of retaining my own sanity, reach out to him with a simple text? Maybe commenting on the fact I haven't seen him around (insert joke) and if he responds positively making sure that things between us are cool. He said a lot of rude things to me in our break up but I am honestly not mad because I know he really cares about me a whole lot and I really want to be his friend and think maybe I won't be happy unless he's some part of my life even if not romantically. At the same time I really don't want him to see me in this state of panic or seem eager in any way because I already did plenty of that last semester. I don't know. I'm thinking of seeking counseling too but do you guys think reaching out to him and trying to establish friendly terms will assuage my anxiety and depression? Because right now it seems like we're just both avoiding each other and it just gives me an awful feeling in my gut. We haven't spoken for over 3 and 1/2 months so is it okay to contact him or does he really have to be the one to reach out first in order for a friendship to form?

Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

No you should not reach out to him. Instead rally your friends around & do something -- anything - that will cheer you up. Back in the day my girls & I would sit in the hall & scarf down chips & dip. I recommend that.