H2OandO2 Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I’m new to here, but I’ve been finding many helpful tips about breakups/coping, so I am hoping to get some help. This is a really really long post, sorry about that in advance…. A lot has happened and I thought giving details of some major events would give a better perspective. About 2.5 years ago, I came out from a divorce. 6 months after, I met my ex-fiancee online. We were together for 1.5 years, engaged for 6 months, then broke up. I was the dumper. Please don’t judge me for being the dumper. Here’s the story: We met in June of 2012. Before we became “official” bf/gf, my ex was always asking me a lot of questions regarding my beliefs/values. He was basically “interviewing” me to make sure I’m a good fit for him. I was aware of the “interviews”, but didn’t think it was a big deal since we are both older (he was 38, I was 35), so I could understand him wanting to be careful in choosing his next partner who would most likely become his wife. After about 1.5 months into dating, one Saturday night, we went back to his place after dinner. Everything was fine and I was suppose to sleep over at his place. I forgot how it started, but he got mad at me over something, I can’t remember what it was, it was something pretty small, but he was MAD. Then, he started telling me how he never had the butterfly feeling toward me, but he did with these 2 girls in his life and those were the ONLY two he’s ever said “I love you” to. I was hurt and confused, because we were doing fine, we were happy, we had fun. I felt so disrespected that I left his place. (By the way, he always got mad at me very easily and over tiniest things.) Some background about the two girls: 1. The first one, let’s call her Girl1. they met in high school. They never even dated. Somehow, one day, the girl said “I love you” to him, and he said it back. Then, he couldn’t get her off of his head for the next 10 years. They remained friends along with his high school buddies. Finally, 10 years later, a month before the girl was getting married, she asked him out. He went thinking that he had to find it out for himself since it’s been bothering him for 10 years. The girl was basically telling him how he’s the type that she’s physically attracted to, but not her husband-to-be. That day, he realized what a bad person she is, and stopped talking to her. 2. The second girl, let’s call her Girl2. they were on and off for 2 years. They broke up 12 times within the 2 years. She never even committed to be bf/gf with him, EVER. She was about 10 years younger than him. A model. He was so into her physically that he put her on such a high pedestal that he was basically manipulated and used by her. But of course, he said “I love you” to her. Throughout the relationship, he slowly realized that she’s evil and bad. So he eventually broke up with her for the 12th and the last time. It took him a whole year to recover and started dating. It was a big and horrible experience in his life. After I left his place, I didn’t hear back from him for a few days. I was getting weak and anxious. So I called him (stupid me). He didn’t answer. The next day, he texted and asked if I’d be free to meet up the next night, so we did. I forgot how the talk went, but we got back together. (I know, I should have walked. I know it’s my fault). A few months passed, things were good. He still got mad at me very easily, and I always had to defend myself and explain myself by telling him that I’m not an evil person, so please don’t be so defensive with me all the time. But, things were good. During summer of 2012, he met a girl from a conference for work. From what he told me, I could tell the girl was interested. I didn’t say much because I trusted him. Also, from the way he was telling me about the conference and the girl, I could tell he wasn’t hiding anything. Around Oct, his school needed a new PE teacher (he’s a PE teacher), so he contacted the girl and the school hired her. I started hearing more and more about the girl, but I was ok with it initially, I trusted him. Then, it got to a point that I thought the whole thing went a little out of control because he was telling me how other teachers in school would ask whether they were dating, and even kids in school would tease them. I told him that it’s disrespectful, but he got mad at me, saying “healthy flirting” is necessary and this and that. No matter what I said in the next few months, he’d get mad at me about this. Around the end of 2012, he was diagnosed with Relationship OCD. He always suffered from Pure-O OCD since he could remember, but never knew about ROCD until then. Then it kind of all made sense why he’s always looking for the Hollywood romance, he’s always looking for “THE ONE” who is a “perfect” match for him, and he’d fall completely head over heels for her, and she would do the same. Knowing that he has ROCD was kind of a relieve to him, but also he couldn’t help changing his mentality toward relationships and toward finding the “perfect” person. He’s always focusing on the flaws of each of his relationships instead of focusing on what he has. And the more focus he put on the flaws, the more unbearable the flaws become. Throughout his life, he’s ALWAYS the dumper, and he usually was not affected by the breakup except for Girl2, of which it took him a year to recover and start dating again. Around Feb/March of 2013, I became insecure from both the coworker, Girl2, and the fact that he never said I love you to me. I started getting mad at him for things because I felt insecure and was always comparing myself to Girl2. We had talked about how he hasn’t told me he loved me, at the same time, we had talked about possibly getting married (even though no “love” word yet), so it was really confusing to me that this man WANTS to marry me, but does not know if he loves me. Then he said, maybe we should breakup if he still can’t figure out if he loved me by summer. I agreed and was heart-broken. On a side note, throughout the relationship, I felt that I was never his priority. When we first started dating, he’d change our plans to go to his friends things. He’d always take me with him, but he’d change our plans. When we went to his friends/family’s gatherings, he’d leave me by myself pretty much the whole time. He would come check on me maybe twice through the whole time and leave within 5~10min each time. Summer of 2013 came, we went to Hawaii together and had a pretty good trip. He was pretty selfish during the beginning of the trip and only wanted to stay in the hotel room instead of going to the beach, so we had a few fights the first few days, then it was ok. We came back from Hawaii, there was no mention of the breakup. One day, he told me he realized that he was wrong for flirting with the coworker, that he enjoyed it as an ego booast, but he knew he’s not attracted to her at all and would never be with her. I was happy to hear that, of course. Fall 2013, we didn’t talk about the breakup any more, I think it’s because he knows I’m good for him and he’s happy with me. And he finally told me he loves me. Finally. I was so happy. However, his doubts were still there in his mind, it’s inevitable, and it’ll never disappear, because of the ROCD. I was highly insecure by then, I mean, the coworker, girl2, relationship OCD. Everything. I was anxious and stressed a lot. But every time when we hung out, I was really happy. And, from the comments he made toward me, from our interaction, I think he was really falling for me too. Came Dec 2013. I was really in love with him. Really happy. Really wanted to be with him. We were talking about planning a trip to Paris in mid-april of 2014 during his spring break and we were going to book the trip during x’mas break. Then, we were told by his newly-engaged friends that they plan to get married in mid-april 2014. He turned to me and said: “I guess we can’t go to paris any more”. I was shocked but didn’t say much because we were at a gathering with 30 people. A few days later, I asked him casually about Paris, he told me the same thing. I was furious, I was hit hard by insecurities by that point, and I was losing patience with him always putting me second (or maybe last) on his list. We had a huge fight that night. We made up later, of course, because I’m weak and useless. January to March of 2014, he was highly moody. He would throw tantrum at me whenever he wanted. He would get mad at me super easily. He would not talk to me for hours even when we went to vegas for a short get-away. This got me scared. Can I really see myself being with this person forever? I mean, he cancelled our Paris trip which we were talking about for almost a year because of his friend’s wedding and now his temper’s out of control. I started having second thoughts. I guess I always had some with him, but I always shoved it to the back of my mind thinking everything will be ok as long as I try harder. But the Paris thing and the beginning 3 months of this year really scared me. We went to central Cal for a weekend. And guess what, HE PROPOSED TO ME. I was completely surprised. Completely. My first reaction in my head was: “how do I say no?” I couldn’t say anything and couldn’t even look at him for a while, then I finally said yes. It was my fault. I said yes because I didn’t know how to say no even though I didn’t know if I should say yes. The rest of the weekend was awesome. He planned a few more surprised here and there to celebrate the engagement. I slowly overcame my shock and had voices in my head constantly cheering happily: “I want to marry him, I want to marry him, I want to marry him.” I was happy and scared at the same time. We started looking for venues and vendors the following weekend and got pretty good options given we only had 6 months to plan (we planned to get married in September of 2014). The whole time, I started struggling with doubts, especially when my first reaction to his proposal was how to say no. My brother came to visit for a week. He was staying with me and so I was spending most of my time with my brother. After my brother left, my ex told me that he felt I neglected him when my brother was here and that we should put each other as our priority now that we are engaged. My tears came down right away and said: “when do you put me as your priority? You never did….”. After that, he got really mad at me a week later because of something my brother said. He fliped out at me at a restaurant. I was fed up with his tantrum since it’s been 4 months by then, so I gave his ring back and told him to leave my place. Then, I crawled back after 3 days. Came mid-april 2014, his friend’s wedding. By then, we were fighting almost every 2 days. It felt like we were in a funk and we couldn’t get out. I admit that my insecurities from the relationship and my doubts were contributing factors. My fault. The night of the wedding, again, I was by myself most of the time. I found myself trying to look for him at least 5 times throughout the night. Almost every time, he was with a girl from high school which he hasn’t seen in years. The girl is a lesbian, so there’s no flirting or anything. But again, I felt like I was the lowest on his list. Towards the end of the night, I was tired and was looking for him again. I saw him from afar, and was walking toward him, then I saw him holding hands with that girl. I was shocked. I turned around and walked away. When I finally was able to talk to him, I told him (in the nicest way possible and no in accusation tone, but more like “I need some comfort” tone) that he left me alone the whole night again. Then, of course, he got mad at me. He said he thought the night was good and we were having fun. He basically said I ruined his night. And this was before I asked him about the hand-holding. When we were talking abou the hand-holding he said he didn’t remember cuz he was pretty buzzed/drunk, and he kept on focusing on the fact that she’s a lesbian. But my thing was it was disrespectful to me, especially when it happened in public. We argued for a few days and I kept on crawling back to him. Things got worse and worse in May and June of 2014. Constant arguing didn’t help his ROCD and didn’t help my doubts eitehr. I also found out from him that he’s not sexually attracted to me any more. That pretty much shattered my confidence and I was crying hysterically. We were having issue with getting intimate ever since the beginning of 2013, but I didn’t think it was a big deal since he’s 40, not OLD old, but not like he’s in his 20s or even early 30s. he said he knows he is physically attracted to me, but he just doesn’t get “hot” for me. Sometimes he was so confused why he’s not sexually attracted to me that he’d tell me he didn’t have any problem with Girl2. And that, didn’t help with my insecurities. We were going to couple’s therapy, but it was hard for me. Each time, I was forced to listen to the things that scared me from the relationship: no sexual attraction, his doubts, ….etc. He also said he had a hard time connecting to God (he’s christian), the therapist told him that he’s had a really really thick wall blocking himself and protecting himself from getting vulnerable, so, if he can’t even feel connected to god, how can he feel connected to me? I started to have this anger in me, so I became unflexible. For example, I am neat freak, he’s not. I wouldn’t compromise on how clean I want my place to me (he was suppose to move in with me after we get married), so he had to. We decided to postpone the wedding till June/summer 2015 by this point. Until one day, I went to see the thearpist alone because I was highly depressed, she told me that there’s nothing wrong with me to wanting to be the priority of my ex, there’s nothing wrong with me when he can’t make up his mind whether he loved me, and there’s nothing wrong with me for being me. I was enlighted. I gave all my heart and soul to this person, I didn’t do anything wrong. My insecurities caused some of our arguments/fights of course, but he gave me most of those insecurities and he even admits it. He always told me that our differences can be worked through, and he always said it in a very convincing way. I told him that he needs to start focusing on what he has instead of focusing on what he doesn’t have, not just in our relationship, but in life in general. He agreed and admitted that he had problem with that. After that, I became more relaxed as I didn’t blame myself as much. Once he saw I was more relaxed, he became more relaxed too. We started fighting less and less and pretty much got back to normal (fighting maybe once every 2 weeks at most). I started seeing light in the relationship again. I started thinking “maybe I was scarred from my previous marriage, but maybe this time is different because we are good together.” I also started to put more focus in my family (mom, sis, niece), spending more time with them. I sometimes found myself withdrawing from my relationship with my ex, especially when he got mad easily. But I’d always come around the next day or the same night. He still says that our differences can be worked out. 4th of July weekend of 2014, we went to Vegas. It was a good trip. We had fun, we laughed, we enjoyed each other’s company. The night after we came back, I called him as we talked almost every night. He didn’t answer. Next night, he called and I asked him what happened the night before. He said he was in a funk cuz he lost $ in vegas, we ate bad (but we both love eating good food and trying out new restaurants), and he felt like the reason why the trip was good was because he listened to everything I said. I was shocked by the last comment. The only advice/suggestion/comment I gave during the trip was to help him gamble/lose less (he has somewhat of a gambling issue/addiction). That comment felt like a cold bucket of water pouring down my head because I was just thinking maybe marrying him IS a good idea. The following weeks after that, I found myself withdrawing more and more. Sometimes after he did something cute to me, I’d be thinking to myself: “sighing… I think it’s too late.” We went to a weekend fishing trip 2 weeks after Vegas with his friends. I didn’t feel neglected the whole trip. Maybe because it was all couples, and those couples we went with tend to stick with each other. I don’t know. We carpooled with his friends and it was 5.5hr drive each way. Both ways, he’d reach over to hold my hand most of the time. It felt very sweet. Really. It was another really good trip. But I couldn’t help but think that it’s too late. A week after, he told me he’s going to watch “Lucy” (movie) with a friend. I was not happy, because we talked about watchign that movie together. That turned into a big fight. And lead to the breakup. The day of the breakup, I told him that no one can marry someone who doesn’t love them, he couldn’t say anything, because he wasn’t sure if he loved me. He seemed frustrated in a sad way because he really wanted to figure it out too. I couldn’t stop crying. He tried to comfort me by hugging me and let me cry. after I stopped crying for a bit, we sat down, he was holding my hand. He asked: “what do you think?” I said: “whether we are better together or alone, we’ll know (after we are apart for a while).”. he smiled because he agreed. We were pretty much in agreement most of time when we were together. He always said he thinks we are at the same wavelength…… When I left his place, we were amicable, and I wanted it that way, because I know he’s a good person and I am too. I didn’t want yelling, screaming, name-calling. Neither of us deserved that. Some of the differences I think are that I’m a neat freak as mentioned earlier, he loves huge parties (not crazy parties, but for example home BBQ party with a huge group of people), he has his “traditions” of things to do, for example every 4th of July, he’ll go to 2~3 different BBQs within ONE DAY. But towards the end, I got reluctant of going with him because I knew I would be left by myself feeling bored while he socialize with his friends. I did try my best to socialize with people I know, but it’s hard when it’s his friends and I’m usually left alone by him. We didn’t talk for 30 days after the breakup because I was trying to force myself the 30-day NC. I wanted to get better, but I was in a lot of pain. A lot. I loved this guy for so long. Even though so many ridiculous things happened, but this was truly the HAPPIEST relationship I’ve ever been in. he said it’s his too. And he even called me his BFF when he never had a BFF (he has a lot of close friends, but he didn’t want to name anyone a BFF). I started reading more about ROCD (I did already read a ton when we were together). I started reading relationship advices. I started to tell myself that maybe I should have been more flexible to him. Maybe I should have tried harder/longer. I started blaming myself and couldn’t stop thinking of the image of him during the day of the breakup where he looked so confused and helpless with his mind. I couldn’t escape the times when he firmly told me “everything could be worked out”. NC was harder and harder approaching the 30 day mark. Maybe everything COULD be worked out like he insisited? Finally, I called him on the 30th day and we talked. I was telling myself that I am not going to expect him to change much, because I am willing to do most of the compromising. When we talked, the tone of his voice was different. It was cold and distant. It sounded like how I sounded when I was withdrawing from the relationship. He told me that, during the time apart, he realized he did love me, but he also realized that our differences are too big to overcome. He said he doesn’t expect me to change, so if we get back, he’ll have to do all the compromising, he doesn’t think either of us will be happy in the long run from that. I told him I called because I’m willing to compromise, and I didn’t expect him to do all the compromising. He was firm, told me noI told him I don’t understand it, he finally confirmed that he loves me, so why doesn’t he want to work things out when he was the one that kept on telling me everything can be worked out. I asked him what differences he’s talking about, he said he didn’t want to go through the laundry list, but towards the end of the conversation, he said one of the biggest issue is religion. He’s christian, I’m not. He knew I don’t have a religion even before we met in person (it says clearly on my online profile). I was shocked by this. Truly. I was going to church with him throughout the 2 years together, I went to bible study with him, I had genuine interest and I want to become christian for him, but I didn’t want to do it FOR him, I wanted it to do it when I feel ready so that it’s 100% genuine. I asked if we could meet in person once, he said no. I asked if we could talk on the phone, he said no. I begged. I did, because I was pathetic. The call ended somewhat amicably. He didn’t lose patience with me. He’s a good person. Now, it’s been a week since we spoke, 37 days since break up. This Saturday, 9/6/2014, was our original wedding date. I’ve given up trying to understand or figure out why his change of heart, because I realized that he has simply changed, no reason. But I’m not doing better. Family and friends are worried about me. I can’t stop blaming myself for the breakup, had I only tried harder, had I only tried longer… I’ve been trying to take long walks since day 1 of breakup, I’ve been praying, I’ve really tried my best to get better. 2 days ago during my walk, I found myself saying: “please help me god, I don’t’ want to die.. I don’t’ want to die…” because I’m overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness. I constantly ask god what I did wrong. I never cheated on any one, I was always genuine and put my heart out 100% whenever I dated, but this kind of things seem to always happen to me, at a time interval of once every 2~3 years for the past 10 years. I don’t know if I can take it any more. I really want to get better. Please help me. I want to get better. Please help me. Please….
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