thirtysomethingteen Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Thanks everyone for all the help you gave me in my previous post. Unfortunately I think telling my husband the truth, aside from easing my concience a bit, didn't make one damn bit of difference...he had rug swept it within 2 days and thinks it is all well and good so long as I don't have sex with the guy...plus there is the added bonus of this guy fullfilling my emotional needs thereby giving my husband one less thing to do!! So everyone's a winner! Oh, wait... I called a close friend who lives on the opposite coast (who I will be going to visit solo shortly) and 'fessed up to all the problems in my marriage, how unhappy I am, and how things with this other guy are complicating things even worse...it was good to get it off my chest but of course saying it out loud also makes it more real and of course it was hard on me to hear her shocked gasps and sighs and "oh honey, I don't even know what to say..." Mind you I should be used to it by now...the shrink, a seasoned mental health professional, was so shocked by my story she had to pick her jaw up off the floor and stick her eyeballs back in her head... My friend feels like I have done everything I can to be proactive and now all I can do is wait and see what happens... Thanks for listening and I hope everything (magically) gets better.
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Hmm. I suppose it could be that your H feels that he can now toss away some of his own guilt for his affairs now that you've had similar issues. As a man, I can also say that men (generally) don't take the emotional part of a woman's affair as seriously. Conversely, our wife engaging in a physical affair ruins us. I will still applaud your transition to a more honest and authentic life. The fact that you've not only discussed it with your H but also your therapist and friend means that you aren't just taking the coward's way out and that you're not just making decisions based on fear. Personally, my gut says that you need to extend that honesty to having a serious discussion with your husband about how this marriage isn't working for you. To a large extent, you are still in the same boat as before - fix your marriage or leave it. It's not an easy decision but I'm glad you've removed that third option of bringing a third person into the marriage. That was destined for disaster. 1
Author thirtysomethingteen Posted September 2, 2014 Author Posted September 2, 2014 Thanks BH, I appreciate the kinds words. Btw I'm also sorry to hear things didn't work out with your wife, but it sounds like you're in a good place in your life and sometimes things just cannot be fixed... I have had quite a few talks with my husband so he knows I'm not happy and he's *sort of* trying...in my heart it feels too late but we will see. If I bring it up too often he says I'm breaking him down, which I can understand. Having dinner with my parents tonight so think I'll tell them some of what is going on (minus the infidelity crap)...I hate to worry them but they've made it clear if something is wrong in my life they want to know so they can help...
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I can't help but wonder if marriage counseling might be good for you. Your husband is obviously one to sweep issues under the rug. In my opinion, that never works (except in the most business-like marriages). Inevitably, someone trips over the big lump under the rug. Choking stuff down (like you've been doing) fuels resentment and, to be sure, resentment will kill a marriage. It's likely that it lead to your close-call with an affair. I wouldn't say that what your husband is doing (to "try") is too late since a marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime. But it's fair to say that it's too little. Marriage vows mean a lot more than just fidelity. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you need more from him. Further, if he refuses MC, make sure he knows the alternate appointment is one you make with a family law attorney. Make a commitment to fixing this marriage and make sure he's doing the same. I'll also say that I appreciate your kind words and support. I am still a work in progress. As for my marriage, you're correct that divorce was for the best; she is still a broken person and not interested in fixing what's broken or repairing the damage that was done. It would have been extraordinarily unhealthy for me to keep trying in a one-sided marriage. And for what it's worth, life does go on after divorce regardless of how intimidating it all may seem. 2
Author thirtysomethingteen Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 Thanks again BH...I am feeling a bit better, as I always do when I get out of the stifling environment that is home...I also think you're right about the resentment, it is seeping out of me, not just because of his infidelity but because of so many other things, one of them being what a slob (with hoarding tendencies) he is...this morning I asked him to please clean the yard up before we get yet another fine from the HOA (and there have been many, 100% because of his messes) and his response was that the yard isn't "that messy." I told him as nicely as I could that he needed to grow up and take some responsibility which of course had him in a huff... Marriage counselling would probably be a good idea, I just need to wrap my head around it as I can already hear his "poor me" excuses and how he'll try to charm the counsellor and tell he/she whatever he thinks will paint him in the most positive light and frankly it makes me feel like my head will explode... It indeed sounds like you made the right choice for you by ending your marriage...yes it is certainly unhealthy to stay in a one sided relationship especially if she (from what it sounds like) didn't see a big problem with her lies and behavior. If you ever need to vent you can vent away to me - it has been nearly 4 years since I found out about my husband's cheating and lies and no longer cringe when thinking about it/them, but of course I haven't forgetten about how it felt like being punched in the throat over and over again when I discovered that the man I had married was a complete stranger to me...it does get easier though... Anyway, hope you and everyone else here has a good day, let's stay strong everybody. 1
thummper Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 The more you describe your marriage, the more I wonder why you don't just clear out. I hear no love from you about your husband, just complaints about how he is totally unfulfilling as a mate and now that he is a slob as well. Is there a reason why you're hanging on to this relationship? 1
Author thirtysomethingteen Posted September 3, 2014 Author Posted September 3, 2014 Well I suppose that is the big question thummper and what I am trying to figure out...right now I feel like I've made a mistake and my dad was right (ugh) that while it was well and good for me to *date* my husband (this was back when we were still dating) I shouldn't live with him or marry him. And what kills me to say now is that my husband would have been just fine with this arrangement, but I was the one who wanted the house and the wedding, everything else be damned. And now here I am. What frightens me is that had you asked 3 months ago I would have told you I was happily married and meant it...but now I don't know if I was ever happy. I just know that I can't just lightly flush a nearly 5 year marriage and 9.5 years total together down the toilet without some serious thought and reflection. Of course part of me fears that this other man has somehow poisoned me against my husband, but can anyone really do that if all is right on the homefront? Added to which the other man and I don't ever even talk about my husband and he has only ever made 1 negative comment about him and that was ages ago. No, the problem with the other man is that he possesses many desirable traits my husband does not possess (as well as sharing a couple of negative ones obviously:rolleyes:). I feel like I need to get the OM completely out of my system (and I'm trying!) before I can make a sound, uninfluenced decision in regards to my marriage...not go from one disaster to another like I did in the past. Or, like all of you here AND my shrink say, there is option 1 and 2 - there is no 3rd option. And there are many good things about my husband, but I still feel we are incompatible. Weekends at home are stifling so I'm trying to meet new people, start new hobbies and continue to better myself...so I guess I can only wait and see if hubby follows suit or continues to wear a groove in the couch cushion. Does writing him a letter setting out how I feel sound like a good plan? I would date it and keep a copy for my own records because I know if $hit hits the fan it will be like his ex all over again (used to hate the woman but man would I like to have a few drinks with her now): he will says that I 1. completely blindsided him and gave him no chance to change (LIE) 2. Leaned on him like a crutch when times were rough then chucked him aside when life got better (this I fear is true and I would hate myself for it, but then HE caused a great many of the problems that had me down in the first place!) and 3. Left him for another man with a fatter wallet (lie, but he'd believe it and spread it like wildfire). Now that I type it, writing a letter sounds like a good idea...as fair warning and as an insurance policy...it will be a long damn letter as I'm prepared to list out all of my many faults and how my behaviors and actions have also led us to where we are today. I may not have cheated but I'm still no angel and I own that... Phew, sorry for the novel, and if you managed to wade thru that THANK YOU - seeing how I feel in black and white is very thereapeutic.
Ronni_W Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Now that I type it, writing a letter sounds like a good idea...as fair warning and as an insurance policy...it will be a long damn letter as I'm prepared to list out all of my many faults and how my behaviors and actions have also led us to where we are today. Well...maybe write it in chapters, then? If it is too long, it may just be ignored in its entirety, or some important points get lost in the rest of it. I think. Certainly write the letter(s), but then consider reading it to him rather than just leaving it up to him to read himself. If it is really long, then read it over a few 'sessions' or evenings or whatever. Perhaps even allow time-and-space for discussions in-between? ... but do maintain your status as 'moderator' and don't let it degenerate into anything non-beneficial/harmful/stupid. For him to have a copy is a good idea, in any event. If/when he wants, it will be good for him to be able refer back to it. Best.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Is it me or is your husband just as stumped as you are. Obviously he feels he is helpless, and has a disconnect with you. Time to prioritize and get the two of you to decide what is best for both of your needs. Calling it quits or separation to find each other may be your best option, as the marriage has trapped what you both want in life. People do grow apart, and it is most noticeable when they have to try so hard to keep things from falling apart. Whether or not you met someone, eventually your needs would get the best of you down the road, or husband would show less interest even further along. Seems to me you both were spiraling down with denial.
SawtoothMars Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Thanks again BH...I am feeling a bit better, as I always do when I get out of the stifling environment that is home...I also think you're right about the resentment, it is seeping out of me, not just because of his infidelity but because of so many other things, one of them being what a slob (with hoarding tendencies) he is...this morning I asked him to please clean the yard up before we get yet another fine from the HOA (and there have been many, 100% because of his messes) and his response was that the yard isn't "that messy." I told him as nicely as I could that he needed to grow up and take some responsibility which of course had him in a huff... It really sounds like you must either accept his faults or break things off because waiting for him to change is a fruitless endeavor.
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