DontWorryBHappy Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 An instance of failed communication happened the other day where my boyfriend and I had made plans for a night, but I never heard from him. He said there were many factors at play such as him running into a friend (a guy) that he hadn't seen in a while (so he went over to this friend's house and planned to see me afterward) and then the fact that it rained really hard for a long time while he was at his friend's (so he said he couldn't get home), an finally the fact that his phone died (so he said he couldn't reach me). I was upset because not only was I worried about him when I never heard from him that night, but I also thought he could've gotten in touch if he tried harder (maybe by asking his friend if he could send me a Facebook message on a computer, etc) especially since I was maybe a block away from his friend's house. I would've been willing to work past the issue, except that during our conversation about it, I questioned whether the lack of communication had anything to do with how he feels about me. He began slowly expressing that deep down he may have a little doubt about how he feels, about how I'm a good person for him but maybe the timing could be off (because of heavy schoolwork, etc), or if he's built up this relationship to this serious point because we live so close to each other (convenience?). These comments hurt me so much that I broke it off with him. I told him it was the last thing I wanted, but he seemed so unsure of his feelings and I thought he might break up with me soon anyway. But just hours later I came back and suggested that maybe we just scale things back instead of breaking up altogether - our relationship up until now has been very, very good and happy. I told him I didn't want to break up - I just wanted to know that he actually wants this. So he told me he liked the idea of scaling things back, but he'd like to take time to think and process what happened, then decide. So far, yesterday has passed since then and now we're in a new day today. I don't know when he's going to meet with me (he said within the next couple days but who knows) and not knowing is killing me. I don't know whether I'm going to be with him anymore at all or not. I told him waiting was hard on me, but no response. Before he left, I made him a big list of things I love about him and a small list of things I don't love, to show that the good outweighs the bad. He loved the lists, and kept them, telling me it would help him make a decision. Part of me is hurt that he needs this much time to know whether we are done, and I don't know if this is a guy thing or a him thing. I sent him a message yesterday apologizing for reacting a bit harshly to the failed communication, and saying that we can sit down and work on our communication, and talk about what we need out of it and meet in the middle. Then I got a bit emotional from watching a show where a really prevalent character died, and i sent another message talking about how the show made me think about how much I care, as cheesy as it sounds, and how not knowing what he was thinking was hard on me. No responses, so I figured I'd better shut up. I know he wanted some space (he usually responds to me very well, but not this time) but the waiting and not knowing is very hard. I won't message again though. I'm a mess over this, I don't know how to feel and what to do about this waiting. I don't want this to be over and I don't even know if it is yet. Has anyone been in this situation? Does anyone have any thoughts? Thank you.
Zahara Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 It's not a guy thing, it's a "him" thing. I think you're trying to accommodate and sacrifice in every possible way to make him come your way. It's evident in you scaling back your expectations and your beliefs. Personally, I would never wait for someone to decide if I am worthy. The last time I did what you did, it was a precursor to a break-up because it just delayed the inevitable -- his feelings didn't change. While he was unsure of me, I did everything possible to keep the connection going by accommodating his every need -- it was my hope that maybe he'll turn around and most importantly, I did it because I was fearful of accepting the truth and letting go. The thing is, you accommodating him, is you prioritizing his needs -- while you sit there anxious, nervous and hurt -- while he sits there happy as a lark because he gets to do what makes him happy. If someone tells you that they don't feel the same way you do about them, don't chase, don't wait -- let go. The only thing you're doing is further enabling his indecision.
mickleb Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Is this the guy who's your next-door neighbour, DWBH?
preraph Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I'm sorry for your hurt. Unfortunately, right when you needed to be setting boundaries so he knows what is unacceptable, instead you gave him a lot more rope and ways to hurt you with your permission. You need to believe what he told you. He's been with you and is fond of you but he knows it isn't forever and that he's just been comfortable enough and it's easy enough to keep it going. He is a good person and told you to think it over because he doesn't like to see you come crawling back the way you did since he does like you as a person and knows that's a lack of self-respect. If you know you won't be happy with anything less than a committed relationship, you made an impulsive wrong turn here. If you think you could be happy in an uncommitted relationship with both of you seeing other people, then maybe not.
PinkCarnations Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Doesn't it feel like you're trying to hold on.. To something that's already over? I know how it feels to 'feel powerless.' Send him a break-up text along the lines of.. "I did some thinking, and I feel it's better we just end it. I don't feel happy right now, and i know I'll continue to feel unhappy in this relationship with someone who's unsure about us." Then just move on. He has your number. If he changes his mind, he'll reach out to you. If he doesn't, then it's because he already made his decision.
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