julzb Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 My husband had started back up with his drinking- we have been married 7 years with 2 boys. It has been a rocky marriage with alot of problems on his end(substance abuse). He always sends me to the store for beer, cigars, gas, etc. This particular gas station is right down the street so I always go in. I went in one day frustrated as usual with my husband and my breath got taken away by the cashier. He was good looking but I actually felt strong chemistry. Which I do not feel often- You can line good looking men in front of me and I would be like Yeh, he is cute and that is it. Excited and intrigued by the way I felt and of course my life is a bore with my husband and his drinking. I kept wanting to go in. He has always smiled and talked to me, etc.. 6 weeks of doing this I finally went in and we talked for awhile and asked him how old he was, if he had a girlfriend. He is 19 I am 32 and no girlfriend. I gave him my cell # etc, he has not called in3 days am I expecting to much- He sounded excited at the time- Do you think he is scared?? I know he is interested- He said I look like 10 years younger and I know alot of guys look at me. I am obsessing and fantasizing and now I am pushing my husband away even more. My mom is glad because whatever it takes to leave my husband, Even if is a 19 year old. she is for it.. My husband did alot of bad things to me in the past. Should I pursue this. The marriage was falling apart before. Am I lusting? Why are the feelings so strong? Now I am embarresed to go back into the store?? what should I do? Thanks!!
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 we have been married 7 years with 2 boys. That is why you HAVE to walk away from this guy and this HUGE mistake you're about to make. Drinking or not, boring life or not...YOU don't bail out on your husband. Talk to him, tell him what you are feeling, seek couples therapy...DO something to fix it because you owe it him, to yourself, the marriage and YOUR CHILDREN. Have a poke about in infidelity...Read the betrayed spouses sadness and lives...Devastated now because their SO cheated. I am obsessing and fantasizing and now I am pushing my husband away even more. My mom is glad because whatever it takes to leave my husband, Even if is a 19 year old. she is for it.. My husband did alot of bad things to me in the past. Should I pursue this. The marriage was falling apart before. Am I lusting? Why are the feelings so strong? Now I am embarresed to go back into the store?? what should I do? Thanks!! If you don't love your husband, and want a divorce...DO it. Don't cheat on him. Get out and then do what it is you want to do. Just isn't cool to start messing around on him. I don't know what bad stuff he did to you. Did you both go to marriage councilling? Are you seeing a therapist because of what he did to you? Just curious. Don't mean to be harsh, just been really sad today, check out a thread in infidelity about Thumbingmyway and his wife. Has many people here on LS reeling and feeling down. Then maybe you can decide if pursuing this guy is really worth it. Can you see him parenting your children? Gotta ask yourself this stuff before you do this. Just opening your eyes abit. keep posting.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Put that energy into protecting yourself and your family. If your husband has a drinking problem, then why are you enabling him? Here's the link for Al-Anon. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/. Put that energy to better use.
MsMree Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Al-Anon is an excellent program for those in relationships w/substance abusers - if you have the time to go buy his beer, fantasize about another man, then you have time to check it out - Sleep'g w/another will only exacerbate your problems - you know this - keep the fantasy where it belongs - in your head - you'll feel soooo much better about yourself. And if you go to Al-Anon, you'll learn sooo much about yourself. I did
jmargel Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 He's 19 and your 32? Umm.. its not going to work. No 19 year old wants a chick who is married and 2 kids. If your husband is an alcoholic, he needs to get help. Sleeping with this kid is not going to solve anything. You are just lonely and need someone to be there for you. He's not the one. You need to find happiness within yourself before searching for others.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Ladyjane- Right on there sista! You are enabling him. First of all, if he's going to drink he needs to at least buy it himself! Get yourself in a program now! It will help you deal. I feel for you hon- I know what it's like to be lonely and reach out to someone else just because you are so miserable. It ended up ruining alot of lives. Don't do it. If you're going to end your marriage, end it because of his drinking. If you cheat and get caught- no one will remember that your husband is a raging alcoholic and abusive- it will only be that you cheated, trust me- I know what I'm talking about.
Author julzb Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 I know it all sounds bad- it is not like I woke up one day and said "oh I am going to bail on my husband". We have had problems for over 7 years with him wanting to grow up and be a family man. Yes, he has tried to cheat, yes, he left me and 2 babies on the street to fend for ourselves and ended in a motel while he still ran around. We moved out of state 3 years ago for a new start and he is slowly slipping back into his old ways(not running around) but drinking and being a total jerk. Everyone said I should have left then but I was co-dependent and broke with 2 young boys with no family around (besides his). I told him one day it will be too late with everything you have done there will be nothing left. I feel like his mother -it is ridiculous. And yes I will go and get beer, cigars for him because he does not need to be drinking and driving and he will do it himself if I don't. It gets me away from him for a few. I have done everything for this man until it has totally broken me down and I had to rebuild myself(I had a problem with alcohol in the past) because I was self medicating myself to deal with all of his B.S. I am dangling at the end of the rope and there may be too much damage done. How do you know if you still love them?
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 My suggestion then is to go find a therapist for yourself to talk to. Sort out your thoughts, feelings and what it is you want to do. Your situation seems to slowly be getting worse and with children involved, his drinking and who knows what else- Well, it isn't a healthy atmosphere. This is not a knock at you at all, just speaking as an outsider looking in. Keep posting and I do hope you find some solutions soon.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Originally posted by julzb And yes I will go and get beer, cigars for him because he does not need to be drinking and driving and he will do it himself if I don't. If it was easy to STOP ENABLING an alcoholic.....we wouldn't need support groups for it! That's why the Al-Anon program is there. Because it's NOT easy. You can't reason with an addict. The addiction is in control. And you can't get any serious work done in a relationship until you're dealing with the REAL person. Right now, you're dealing with his addiction, not him. Take command of your situation, and concentrate on what's best for you and your children. That's something constructive YOU can do. An alcoholic must help himself, no one else can do it for him. You can't control his situation. You CAN control yours. As far as flirting with teenagers is concerned....well, don't you have enough on your plate already? That's just ASKING for more problems. If it's possible, get some counseling as WWIU suggested. You could use a friendly ear I'm sure, as well as some sensible, detailed advice. In the meantime, check out Al-Anon. MsMree and MsPixie have given you good endorsements on it. I think you could get some answers there.
Author julzb Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 Thanks guys- I know I have enough to deal with at home- the 19 year old was bad timing and it made me remember what it is supposto feel like(love bugs) I have never acted on it though. And it made me look at my current situation and think Do I even love this man anymore after everything?
StillHurtin Posted March 5, 2005 Posted March 5, 2005 I'm sorry that you are dealing w/ this. My H also drank a lot and he was a mean drunk. I finally told him (after 10 years of M) that if he didn't quit drinking our children and I were leaving. He quit drinking. He has been sober for 2 1/2 years. I am proud of him b/c I know how hard it was to stop but he made a choice, either quit drinking or be w/o me and our children. Having an A w/ any man isn't going to solve anything, it's going to make it worse. My H had an A and filed a D shortly after I made him quit drinking (I think he resented me making him quit but he says he didn't). It was the worst thing I ever went through. He realized that after he left me he wanted me and the kids back and not the OW. I agree w/ the other posters that say you should get counseling. Stop buying him beer and stay away from that 19 yo guy.
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