StrawberryGirl Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Just some brief info on my situation....It has been 8 months since the break off of the infidelity (or so called) with MM. I can't say we have had complete NC, but alomost.....He is on my IM but never talks to me and a few times that we did talk (me always initiating the conversation), he was very short too the point and would never say bye, he was very rude or cold to me basically. The only reason we did talk the few times we did is because I did get pregnant with his child and kept the baby. The baby is now almost 3 mos. Because MM has never really showed that he cares about the baby and didn't want me to keep the baby but I did anyway, I decided not to bother to reach him when I had the baby, he didn't know I had the baby until my son was a month old and he heard through a mutual friend. @ that time MM sends me an IM message asking what was going on with the baby and give's me his wife's cell # to call him on (i'm like yea right I'm not calling her phone). I did respond the next day on IM, he responds with "thanks for letting me know you had the baby" I start to laugh to myself....how absurd, a guy who shows no interest for my son now has the nerve to say such a thing to me..@ that time we only speak a few lines and again the conversation was very cold to me and he again logged out with out saying talk to you later bye or nothing he just logged out. So a week later after him coming and going off of IM, and him never messaging me asking "how is the baby?" I initiate a conversation, @ that time MM tells me he wants a paternity test ,joint custody and that he will be a father for my son, I say ok well you pay for it, you go ahead and waste your time and $ because my son is YOURS, no doubt. So a month passes by and I hear nothing from MM about the paternity test or anything soooo.... About 3 weeks ago, MM is on IM so I decide to send him a message asking what is going on with the paternity test, and at this time I feel like I'm chasing him to be there for my son, so I feel stupid. He never responded...then logged out of IM an hour later..It made me mad only because I was simply trying to ask him about the paternity test he said he would be getting for the son that we have together and I wouldn't of ever bothered him but he was the one telling ME he wanted the pat test and joint custody. So....I'm pissed sooooooooo I go and IM him after he logs out.....saying some pretty harsh stuff including, including telling him to not waste my time telling me he will be a father for my son then not bother to do anything about it, that I didn't want him to know my son, to qut acting like I was some praying mantis, to quit playing the victim, to not contact my friends for information on me or my son, take me off his IM, I tell him he has emotional issues and that he has no balls, and I also suggested he get a paternity test for his son with his wife since I heard she cheated on him during the time she got pregnant with the son they have together ( I know pretty harsh and wrong huh?) I also sent a text message to his wifes phone saying something to the affect that he has no balls to own up, including a remark about knowing he has balls because I recall licking them...ooopsie!!! Well expecting to get a response from him next time he loggs in, I get prepared to hear some harsh remarks back...but to my surprise..no response what so ever!! All he does is remove me from his IM ( and I know this was done for certain reasons) So he did get my IM's...yikes!! Well 11 days goes by and @ this time I'm thinking it's all done. I will never hear from him again and I feel ok with that. So I'm sitting on the computer and suddenly I get an IM from him saying Hey and telling me he is scheduling a paternity test for friday and asking me if I can make it..I was like what!!! He hasn;t used HEY on me since we were seeing eachother and Um didn't I just tell him to basically F#%& off...What about the harsh stuff I just said??? If I were him i'd be like F this B. Well he tells me some mix up happened with the appt so we didnt go to it, but he has sent me an IM saying he is going to chose another company and will contact me about it as soon as he has a confirmed appt. and to my surprise his attitude has changed..not so cold..not so rude...I honestly think/feel like he has some trick up his sleeve...some alterior motive...would he hurt my son for revenge towards me for being so harsh to him.?!?! MM doesn't seem that way but I'm really puzzled by his IM's..he even unblocked me from his IM (me giving the eyebrow) hmmmmmmm.. Can anyone tell me what they think is going on with the guy???? I really have mixed emotions..I want my son to know his father but then again I don't want the guy to hurt my son...ya gotta remember this guy was mad @ me for keeping the baby in the first place because he would have to break the news to wifey....and he has not asked once how is the baby since I have had my son..He only asked that once while I was pregnant....I just feel like telling him to go on with his life, I've told him on numerous occasions that if he doesn't want to be there for my son just say it, but he says i'm the only one saying that. But his actions to me speak louder than his words. I am very concerned and scared.....last i knew he lived w/ his in-laws and I would not allow my son to go be with him if he still lived with them...THAT IS ANOTHER THING, IS IT WRONG TO ASK WHERE HE LIVES AND STUFF LIKE THAT BEING THAT MY SON IS GOING TO GO WITH HIM IF I CHOSE TO GIVE HIM JOINT CUSTODY..I FEEL I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW YET I FEEL I AM BEING NOSY BY ASKING ???'S HELP ME PLEASE
newby Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 Strawberry, i think you should get some legal advice and also in previous posts you said your husband was trying to work things out with you, does he know whats been going on with your mm since. Strawberry i could be wrong but i just really strongly get from you that you are still hung up on this guy, i dont know why and i could be wrong. if it is the case i think you really need to get over it. i think all your concerns about this guy could be the amount of emotions you have you cant deal with. you really need to get some space for your mind, do some meditation or something like that and try and get some clarity and calm and distance. it is a pretty messed up situation but i think from what you said before that you have a very supportive husband who is willing to make things work with you. dont take that for granted. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE STRUGGLING ALONE AS A SINGLE MOTHER WITH A LEGAL BATTLE ON YOUR HANDS AS WELL. i dont know what kind of father this guy will be, has he already got children?
Breathe Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 I don't know if any of my input is going to help you, but I hope it does. I'm the wife of a man that cheated and has a child with OW. My H has been through a roller coaster of emotions and often went back and forth on what he wants to do with the OW and child. He knows it's a 50/50 chance of him being the father. OW agreed to Paternity testing then backed out without reason. She won't ask for any child support because she know the testing will have to be done. H is often confused and angry and doesn't want to discuss either of them because it's a reminder of what he's done wrong, and the pain he's caused others. He's afraid the results will be positive and he's stated he can't deal with it. He wants nothing to do with either of them and basically wants to forget everything and move on with his life. I can debate with him until I'm blue in the face, but it's ultimately his decision, not mine. He carries a great deal of anger. He did go back and forth in the beginning, but knew he had to make a decision and stick to it. Neither H or the OW have had any contact since. My advice for you is to make a decision and stick to it. Go to court and have attornies fight for what you want if the two of you can't communicate properly. If you don't want contact with him, then don't tell him to take you off his IM - you block him and remove him from yours. It sounds like you both are going back and forth on this. You want him to be a dad to your child and you've stated this to him. This is great, but you can't force it. He will be a dad if he wants to be. Instead of dwelling on all of this, just live your life the way you want to with your child. Move forward and remember that blood doesn't make someone a parent. You will find love again and that man will love your child as if it was his own. Stay positive and just focus on the two of you. Best wishes.
Elmo Posted March 3, 2005 Posted March 3, 2005 I agree with Breathe. Also, my guess is that he has now decided to make the step to determine paternity....probably just couldn't face it before. Since he's coming into reality, he is realizing he has to be civil to you to get you to take the test. Unless you are quite wealthy, your child will need child support. If it is his child he should pay. You could both agree that he pay but not see the kid if it is not what either of you want anyway. Poor kid, if that's the decision...but it's better to get that stuff figured out at the beginning.
Author StrawberryGirl Posted March 3, 2005 Author Posted March 3, 2005 Thanks for your advice and perspective, it is GREATLY appreciated, I thought I wanted him to be there for my son but It's like sometimes you want something and then when ya finally get it, ya don't want it nomore, I guess now that he has made some effort in the past week I am having a mind change, and that is, I feel I don't want him to be there for my son anymore like I used to. I feel like I just want us to go into the rest of our lives not knowing eachother, however I will always have a reminder of him..My adorable son that i love so much and don't regret! I really don't know though it is confusing to me...SIGH
MsMree Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 you have the right to have him give some type of financial support but NOT be part of your son's life - i believe it depends on the state you live in. In NJ, a man can pay child support through the courts but is not necessarily given visitation. HARD CALL. You will be giving-up the total control you have over your son's future if you allow him to pay - so your choice is to go it alone, financially, emotionally, etc. but remain the sole care-giver - this can be good and/or not so good depending on the parents. Ask yourself if this is someone who would be a positive influence in your son's life - would he be a person that is a fair-weather parent? If your son grew an attachment to him then your xMM decided he didn't want to be a father to him, your son would be the one to suffer. After all, he did cheat on his W, so he apparently doesn't take commitment's for what they are - a commitment. If you decide to go it alone, have faith that all will be fine because you are an excellent Mom.
Author StrawberryGirl Posted March 4, 2005 Author Posted March 4, 2005 Ask yourself if this is someone who would be a positive influence in your son's life - would he be a person that is a fair-weather parent? If your son grew an attachment to him then your xMM decided he didn't want to be a father to him, your son would be the one to suffer. After all, he did cheat on his W, so he apparently doesn't take commitment's for what they are - a commitment. YOU ARE RIGHT..VERY RIGHT! That has been something I've also thought about so for you to bring those thoughts up to me, brings alot of concern back, becuase while he dated me, he would always dog his son, what I exactly mean by that is..for example he didn't see his son for a whole month..he would come to town and see me and not see his son he has with his wife and sometimes he would tell his wife he was going to pick up the son to spend time with him, but dog the son to hang out w/ me...It would concern me no doubt, I even brought it up to my best friend while we were seeing eachother..I thought it was wrong, I felt bad, I had concern about it, but I did keep my mouth shut to him, about it, basically I just minded my business. Sometimes I would even offer to lend him my car since he had a motorcycle only, to use my car to go get his son and I also offered to pick his son up and go do something with the son, all 3 of us together..I felt bad for the son. The wife would get mad, I did not blame her..... So it is something I am taking into consideration with the son I now have with him. I guess I have alot to take into consideration!
Breathe Posted March 4, 2005 Posted March 4, 2005 I just read your other posts and I can't believe you've been going on with this MM for this long and that you yourself are married! Why are you even thinking about this MM?! Why do you care of he or his wife are happy or if they talk about you, or what their sex life is like? You have a HUSBAND and now a CHILD. Get on with your life and start being more concerned with the family you have. What does your H think of you whining and carring on so much about this MM? Do you even talk to him about it? Don't you think if he knew of this that it would be some what of a slap in the face to him? He's standing by you knowing that child isn't biologically his. He loves you and the child. The child has a dad - your H! MM was nothing more than a sperm donor! If you can't see what you have right in front of you then you are blind. You definately need to reconsider things and open your eyes before you lose the best thing that may have happend to you.
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