pteromom Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 For everyone on the "nothing wrong with porn" bandwagon, READ the post. Don't just see the subject and jump up to defend your precious porn and a guy's right to masturbate. 1
Hattie Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Porn can be very detrimental to marriage...it's likely that most marriages will feel some form of fall-out from it at some point. Even if you once under estimated it's potential... Speaking from 25 years of experience! At any rate, it's a touchy subject, especially here. I don't think many LS members understand it and can offer much advice or sympathy. You will mostly find porn supporters here. My advice to you: there are some pretty good support groups out there (online) that actually understand what's going on and can offer some helpful/healthy ways for you to cope. 1
thekid36 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Porn can be very detrimental to marriage...it's likely that most marriages will feel some form of fall-out from it at some point. Even if you once under estimated it's potential... Speaking from 25 years of experience! At any rate, it's a touchy subject, especially here. I don't think many LS members understand it and can offer much advice or sympathy. You will mostly find porn supporters here. My advice to you: there are some pretty good support groups out there (online) that actually understand what's going on and can offer some helpful/healthy ways for you to cope. Porn is a very touchy subject and I honestly do not get it. People feel attacked without even looking at the whole picture. It is not even important what your stance on the matter comes out to be. Nor, how much you use it in your own life. What matters is how certain things totally screw up potential relationships. What matters is how insensitive some are to anything beyond their own existence. Getting all defensive and protective when perhaps sensitivity and sincerity might prove to be more prudent. Turning it around on the other person to make him/her feel like he/she is simply trying to be controlling. Making that poor person even more insecure. What a selfish society we have become. Give it up, be willing to compromise, or get out of the darn relationship. If it bothers the person you chose to be with I mean. Think outside of your own self for a change. How what we do has an actual affect on others. Always making what is so simple way too complicated.
demrea Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 When a wife unreasonably demands control over their spouses eyes, brain and penis, this stuff will happen. Is it a surprise when he told you he wouldn't look at porn? Most men aren't interested in negotiating this issue, so in the interest of peace he tells his wife that he agrees with her. No excuse for this husband to be a violent jerk, that's an entirely seperate issue, however your husband is a free man. You have no rights to tell him how, when or if he can masturbate. Porn is legal and he shouldn't need your approval or consent if he should choose to view it in privacy. Lady, you reap what you sow (not the violence, I am only referring to the perception he lied).
thekid36 Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 When a wife unreasonably demands control over their spouses eyes, brain and penis, this stuff will happen. Is it a surprise when he told you he wouldn't look at porn? Most men aren't interested in negotiating this issue, so in the interest of peace he tells his wife that he agrees with her. No excuse for this husband to be a violent jerk, that's an entirely seperate issue, however your husband is a free man. You have no rights to tell him how, when or if he can masturbate. Porn is legal and he shouldn't need your approval or consent if he should choose to view it in privacy. Lady, you reap what you sow (not the violence, I am only referring to the perception he lied). Blame it all on the woman then. How completely convenient. A woman should not desire affection at all from her man. She should be okay with his using porn as a total substitute. After all, it is totally legal. No negotiation should be necessary. He is a man and has rights. Also, has the right to be totally dishonest of course. She needs to just get over her own insecurities. Ones which are not in any form his own possible responsibility.
demrea Posted September 8, 2014 Posted September 8, 2014 Blame it all on the woman then. How completely convenient. A woman should not desire affection at all from her man. She should be okay with his using porn as a total substitute. After all, it is totally legal. No negotiation should be necessary. He is a man and has rights. Also, has the right to be totally dishonest of course. She needs to just get over her own insecurities. Ones which are not in any form his own possible responsibility. Intimacy between a couple is not the same issue. Whether it's porn use, football on Sundays or anything else that can interfere with his relationship priorities should be addressed. However banning just won't solve that issue.
thekid36 Posted September 9, 2014 Posted September 9, 2014 Intimacy between a couple is not the same issue. Whether it's porn use, football on Sundays or anything else that can interfere with his relationship priorities should be addressed. However banning just won't solve that issue. It all revolves around intimacy to be honest. All has to do with trying. So as to make your significant other feel appreciated and wanted. Being aware of your partner is important. Offering to not watch porn as much or at all if your significant other is against it does not change who you are. All it can do is strengthen a relationship.
Author mommellen Posted September 15, 2014 Author Posted September 15, 2014 In a bulk reply to those whom have replied to my post. I am quite aware men masturbate, I am not ignorant that people MALE AND FEMALE, have needs and etcetera. To the person that made the comment about my son, wow. Thanks for being so rude and condescending. I am not referring to ALL men nor my son. I am referring to my husband. When my husband expects me not to self-satisfy, look at nude men and so on, I expect the very same in return as I said in another post. We had talked openly about our views and I have held up my end of the bargain. My husband himself has told me if I was to watch porn he would consider it cheating. It's okay if he breaks promises to me because he is a man and men can't be held accountable for their actions (or in my case double-standard). I feel this thread is dead as so many people prefer to make disparaging comments toward me and have a very closed mind to anyone else's point of views.
braindamage Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Well to be fair you've also received plenty of responses that gave a fair perspective on the porn issues and agree that your husband is pretty hypocritical and out of line with it. And most important they identified and stressed on a number of other issues, ranging from problematic communication to downright physical abuse, that are arguably much more relevant. Why not look at those instead of the few cookie-cutter responses that porn threads almost unanimously receive. I'm not sure what you're expecting of the community. If it's just a couple of nods and agreements you're probably in the wrong place. The advice can be direct, even harsh but often there's a lot of truth in it from people who have experienced similar situations or parts of it.
Minnie09 Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Porn or not, I think that's not the issue here. Different people have different opinions on porn, and whether or not to use it, in and out of a relationship etc. Some are okay with it, like some wives are okay with their husbands going to strip clubs. Everybody's different. BUT: She made it clear to him, before they got married, that this is unacceptable to her, for various reasons, and he agreed. And they got married, based on these terms. It's not about the masturbating and climaxing without her, it's about using porn, which she is NOT okay with, and which she told him BEFORE they got serious. Now, if that's a ground rule, then he's in breach of a contract, basically, and that's not okay. PLUS: They way he treats her, talks to her, disrespects her, especially after she calls him out on something that he needs to be called out on, is, IMO, unacceptable. It shows his complete and utter disrespect for his wife. He's also a hypocrite and a blameshifter. Forgive me if I sound opinionated, but what he does is manipulative and unfair (e.g. talking about " her boyfriend", and telling her that "soon she won't have to get upset about his behavior anymore...." (implying that the M will be over soon......)) - come on! That's a tactic he's using to get her off his back. Are you guys blind? He wants it his way, and his way only, wants to play his video games, which is completely ridiculous, if you have a family with two small kids. Plus, their communication is super one-sided. She brings up an issue, which is perfectly normal in a relationship, and he shuts her down by being insulting and manipulative. He doesn't care if she cries, because she's hurt. Instead, he ridicules her. What kind of a husband is that? He deceives her, and then he won't own up to it. He turns it around on her. I know the initial question of the OP just addresses the porn itself, but based on how the OP describes this marriage and the quality of communication/interaction that takes place, it looks to me, there are other issues that need to be addressed. Respect and communication issues. And honestly, with guys like that, MC is usually a waste of time. It's an attitude problem. That won't change. 1
thekid36 Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 In a bulk reply to those whom have replied to my post. I am quite aware men masturbate, I am not ignorant that people MALE AND FEMALE, have needs and etcetera. To the person that made the comment about my son, wow. Thanks for being so rude and condescending. I am not referring to ALL men nor my son. I am referring to my husband. When my husband expects me not to self-satisfy, look at nude men and so on, I expect the very same in return as I said in another post. We had talked openly about our views and I have held up my end of the bargain. My husband himself has told me if I was to watch porn he would consider it cheating. It's okay if he breaks promises to me because he is a man and men can't be held accountable for their actions (or in my case double-standard). I feel this thread is dead as so many people prefer to make disparaging comments toward me and have a very closed mind to anyone else's point of views. The main theme of your thread does not revolve around masturbation. Someone who thinks that you are just against it did not really read it carefully. It amazes me that he looks at you looking at porn as cheating. Yet, he thinks him looking at it is okay. That is totally a double-standard. Yet, it is unfortunately something which is very common. Many men feel that the rules are different when it comes to women. This is why domestic violence has been all over the news lately. Abuse actually extends beyond what is physical. The main reason why you seem upset is because of his blatant dishonesty and rutheless disrespect. Which extends beyond what he is watching. You have every right out there to feel wanted. He is using porn as a substitute for intimacy. There is no other valid point of view because he's not even being fair. The facts cannot be disputed at this point. You are not happy at all. Thus, things cannot stay as they are. The issue is how do you move on and what will be best for you going forward?
thekid36 Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Well to be fair you've also received plenty of responses that gave a fair perspective on the porn issues and agree that your husband is pretty hypocritical and out of line with it. And most important they identified and stressed on a number of other issues, ranging from problematic communication to downright physical abuse, that are arguably much more relevant. Why not look at those instead of the few cookie-cutter responses that porn threads almost unanimously receive. I'm not sure what you're expecting of the community. If it's just a couple of nods and agreements you're probably in the wrong place. The advice can be direct, even harsh but often there's a lot of truth in it from people who have experienced similar situations or parts of it. Of course we all have different opinions. Just have to be careful to realize that all is still specific. I think she may be distraught because of the way some people have responded. Not only excusing blame with her other half. Yet, also trying to make her feel like she is thus insecure. So as to put the blunt if not all of the blame back on her. Which is really nothing other than ridiculous to be honest. They talked this over before this started and he made a promise to her. Some feel that he should not have had to make a promise at all in relation this. Those who feel this are missing the point. They are completely disrespecting the value of honest and open communication. This woman partly made a decision to be with him based on what he said. Shame on him for not seeing this. So, she in essence came for advice and has been personally attacked. Thus, why she seems to be sort of upset. Cannot say that I happen to blame her at all. Sometimes, it is not what we say even but how it's said which means the most.
thekid36 Posted September 15, 2014 Posted September 15, 2014 Porn or not, I think that's not the issue here. Different people have different opinions on porn, and whether or not to use it, in and out of a relationship etc. Some are okay with it, like some wives are okay with their husbands going to strip clubs. Everybody's different. BUT: She made it clear to him, before they got married, that this is unacceptable to her, for various reasons, and he agreed. And they got married, based on these terms. It's not about the masturbating and climaxing without her, it's about using porn, which she is NOT okay with, and which she told him BEFORE they got serious. Now, if that's a ground rule, then he's in breach of a contract, basically, and that's not okay. PLUS: They way he treats her, talks to her, disrespects her, especially after she calls him out on something that he needs to be called out on, is, IMO, unacceptable. It shows his complete and utter disrespect for his wife. He's also a hypocrite and a blameshifter. Forgive me if I sound opinionated, but what he does is manipulative and unfair (e.g. talking about " her boyfriend", and telling her that "soon she won't have to get upset about his behavior anymore...." (implying that the M will be over soon......)) - come on! That's a tactic he's using to get her off his back. Are you guys blind? He wants it his way, and his way only, wants to play his video games, which is completely ridiculous, if you have a family with two small kids. Plus, their communication is super one-sided. She brings up an issue, which is perfectly normal in a relationship, and he shuts her down by being insulting and manipulative. He doesn't care if she cries, because she's hurt. Instead, he ridicules her. What kind of a husband is that? He deceives her, and then he won't own up to it. He turns it around on her. I know the initial question of the OP just addresses the porn itself, but based on how the OP describes this marriage and the quality of communication/interaction that takes place, it looks to me, there are other issues that need to be addressed. Respect and communication issues. And honestly, with guys like that, MC is usually a waste of time. It's an attitude problem. That won't change. This is exactly what I speak of. Porn is not even the main issue here. Just a catalyst which got her to think about things. The issue is exactly as you explain. He has been deceitful and disrespectful to her in every single possible way. This cannot be seen as totally okay. Then, some have the nerve to come on here and complain that she is basically insecure. That she should just 'get over it' because men are allowed to watch porn as they like. Communication is definitely an issue as well. There is not any kind of healthy talking going on at this point. She decides to then come here looking for advice. Only to find that he has been treated as the victim. No wonder why she is so distraught. He does not care about her at all. Not based on his recent reactions. No way to sustain any kind of relationship at this point. This is why there need to be extreme changes.
escafeld Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 Not everyone is with you on this, though. She is not trying to control him at all. What she wants is intimacy with her significant other. She is trying to control him because she's controlling what he does and doesn't do in his private space. His affection for porn, doesn't necessarily have anything to do with intimacy or how often he engages sexually with his wife, that's a red herring..most people appreciate the difference between pornography and a good sexual relationship with a partner and clearly this is something the OP doesn't have and porn might not be the reason. I know many women who enjoy pornography, who are intelligent, beautiful people and were happy to share their thoughts with me, I didn't regard it as them 'cheating', or seeking alternatives to a physical relationship with me..it can be a pleasurable pastime-just like eating, but you don't need to do too much of either.
escafeld Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 He has been deceitful and disrespectful to her in every single possible way. This cannot be seen as totally okay. No it's not totally ok, but she has been disrespectful to him in going through his private property and becoming outraged with what she finds...it's hardly as if he left Debbie Does Dallas playing on a loop in the VCR! Frankly, a good relationship doesn't require the coming together of two people who have identical likes and dislikes, it's about learning in a non-judgemental and collaborative way-not one partner demanding things of another.
escafeld Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 When my husband expects me not to self-satisfy, look at nude men and so on Have you considered doing this together as potentially an original form of foreplay?
escafeld Posted September 16, 2014 Posted September 16, 2014 Oh my goodness...yet ANOTHER post regarding PORN and the wreckage it leaves behind. Listen, I was married to a porn addict so I completely and fully understand the challenges and the heartache that go hand in hand with this. Believe me. It seriously f*cked with my self esteem for years! Thankfully I got through it and come out at the other end alive and kicking. Today, I actually DON'T have any problems with porn in and of itself despite my experience. Hell, I enjoy it both on my own and with my partner and it really can be a fabulous addition to a couple's sex life. What I have an issue with is when porn REPLACES a partner. When one's sex life suffers as a result of. THAT is the issue more than porn itself. Having said all of this, it is crystal clear that there is SO much more going on in your marriage than JUST porn. The details you've revealed not only raise dozens of red flags but show a pattern that hasn't yet been broken. With regards to your low self esteem, this is your issue not his. It's playing a huge role in your relationship and ultimately holding you hostage. Your husband isn't responsible for your happiness, he can't change the way you see yourself and certainly can't "fix" you, only YOU can do that. Between your low self esteem, your past experience with exes and porn and the underlining issues that are apparent in your marriage porn makes for the perfect scapegoat. I don't believe it is the main catalyst for the issues in your marriage. I don't mean to be unsympathetic to your situation because I'm not. I understand that life is challenging right now and having a low self-esteem certainly doesn't help matters. Where there is a will, there is way. Counselling is indeed the bell I'm going to ring as well if not for the both of you then just for yourself so you can build yourself back up again. Good luck. Excellent post
TiredFamilyGuy Posted September 20, 2014 Posted September 20, 2014 This stuck out with glaring neon: The only thing he says he has to complain about is that I bitch. ..... I feel bitching was for the most part out of my hands So... You award yourself an out, but he doesn't get one? Your "hormones" can give you an excuse to disrespect him and ride him (which breaks the marriage contract) .. But him, no? More to the point, can you see these two things might be, no dammit are, related? I sure would wank away to a pleasingly compliant fantasy woman than approach a simmering nagging disrespectful spouse. Cause and effect. Which then becomes cause again in your mutual cycle of resentment. Your feelings matter. So do his. It's not all one way - these issues are likely linked.
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