Cougare_fire Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Hello LoveShack , Quickly to the point. I love my girlfriend, but I am very unhappy in our relationship. I moved to Michigan to Minnesota to start a PhD program 1 year ago, and I had started my relationship w/ my gf about 6 months before that i.e. we've been dating for 1.5 years. The months before I moved here were great, the long-distance months went very well (she lived in Michigan for about 9 months while I was doing my first year of grad school), however she moved here (she got an awesome job at a Big 4 accounting firm before she moved here), and after she moved here and I start seeing her routinely...well I just don't feel the same way about her anymore. Also, I should state I am not cheating in any way, I am simply trying to come to terms whether or not I should pull the cord on the relationship. She is great; she works hard, she supports my ridiculous grad school schedule of 80+hours a week (although often times begrudgingly), [those of you in hard-science grad school know that a consuming schedule is often necessary to be successful in research], she bakes, takes very good care of her body, is a genuinely nice person, and we both like drinking beer and good food (the sex is excellent and varied as well). The things that aren't as awesome are: we don't share taste in music, movies, and I am a home-body while she likes to go out and do things far more than I do (I would be more willing if I had a normal job, but I simply have no desire with the rigors of this PhD program I am in...furthermore, I am unwilling to relinquish my pursuit of a research oriented career in order to have more time to do such things). So, she is mostly great, but some of my personal life goals preclude the best relationship I could have with her. Here is the golden chalice of my discontent though; she states she can handle how much time I devote to her (which is practically all the time I have that I am not working), however her actions and mood in general state otherwise and it has become a growing issue for me. Our conversations are lacking from my perspective, she is intelligent, but I like dry, witty humor, while she just doesn't get it most of the time (this actually makes me pretty sad as I like dry, witty humor and its just not apparent with her). Though I don't have time to pursue other women and I don't, I am becoming more attracted to various women that can have a more robust dialogue (when I realized this, I also realize that it was time to talk with my gf about whether or not we are right for each other). Lastly, this woman would bend over backwards for me if I asked it...I have no doubts that she is deeply in love with me, but it seems I have mostly fallen out of feeling the same way about her. Which pains me greatly, but I just don't see how it can work out any further. I have already talked with the people most important to me about whether I should continue the relationship or not, and the consensus has been "No, but she's such a great girl, are you sure?" At the same time, no one that I have talked to about this is in a PhD program or is a workaholic (which I am by all means, for better or worse). My hope is that perhaps a few people of Reddit who have been through a similar situation would comment. Your time and willingness to share are greatly appreciated. TL;DR; I don't feel the same way about my gf as I did before she moved to me. Help.
Sweetlifevt Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Read the tl;dr and skimmed the rest. I get the impression maybe you two don't have much chemistry together any more. Perhaps it's time for a break, or a breakup. If someone is not satisfied in a relationship they have a responsibility to talk to their partner about it. If a satisfactory solution does not arise from this, it is time to do some hard work and weigh the positives and the negatives. This can be tough for many reasons, including that it can simply be hard to measure good and bad feelings side by side. But only you can really decide whether this relationship is worth keeping intact. You deserve happiness. Only you know what makes you happy (and even then you'll sometimes be learning by trial and error).
elseaacych Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 From law student to grad student: If she seems to act increasingly sour about your schedule, you need to talk to her about it as soon as possible. Because Phds take a looooong time, and your schedule is not going to get any easier. It will foster resentment. Try to build in some fun, exciting, novel activities to keep the excitement alive. Excitement is what sustains relationships. Read up on what it takes to maintain a relationship. If humor is a must with you, there is no way that you will be able to handle it. Be warned, if you do break up with her and have no social outlet, (ie, you study all the time) you may come to regret it. Don't let your relationship or lack thereof come to ruin your education.
bubbaganoosh Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Can you say compromise? It sounds like you have a great girl and maybe with a bit of give and take you can have something special. Why don't people understand that there is no such thing as a custom fit in a off the rack world. I don't care what woman or what guy it is. Two people together and there are going to be things that you don't agree on or like and that's why you give a little and they give a little. Try it once or let her go but if you do, you just might regret your decision down the road and it will be too late. 1
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