please someone read this im sick of analyzing a depressed friend/lover

[angelj]

you make a very good point, and i agree with you.

 

i guess it leaves me confused still because of his words. then again talk is cheap, words mean nothing without actions. a lot of what i got from him was his talks of not wanting to party forever. how he really wanted to go to school and really wanted to do this and that and really wanted a relationship that wasnt stuck in a blurry state of mind. how he really repsected my lifestyle and wasnt used to being around people who weren't backstabbers or manipulaters. he even told me he had never had a true friend before. i find that hard to believe! maybe its because he just doesnt know how to treat them?

 

i dunno, im wasting my energy trying to decide if hes going to change and trying to figure out why a person of such high intelligence does such STUPID ignorant things. and theres a great chance he will change for the better, but is it really worth it to try to hang on to see?

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by angelj

i dunno, im wasting my energy trying to decide if hes going to change and trying to figure out why a person of such high intelligence does such STUPID ignorant things. and theres a great chance he will change for the better, but is it really worth it to try to hang on to see?

 

Misery has its laws too. And one of the laws is that no one, not even the love of a good man / woman can drag a miser out of his misery. Because he prefers the comfort of his miserable state.

 

He might have the capacity to change, but he currently lacks the willingness to change. Without it he will not change. It might NEVER return. Don't wait on that. Move on, and forget about him. If he wants you, he knows what he needs to do. To put his words into action!

 

Intelligent people do stupid things too. I know .

[angelj]

super, avoiding is my first step on the moving on and getting over process. although it takes a while to realize its not right...im pretty good at recovering.

 

too bad i work with the loser. BUT too bad hes out on medical leave again...

 

the angels are smiling down upon me...

 

im just going to echo what oh so many have stated on this forum before....

 

"never dip your nib in the office ink."

- bridget jones diary.

[angelj]

ok so everything you have said superfantastico has pretty much rang true.

 

remember the post where you said, "you are ready. he isn't. you helped him thru all his **** etc..." right well, thats exactly the case.

 

i was getting that hint (im not ignorant) but i found out tonite for sure. i just wish he had the freakin balls to tell me himself. i spoke to him earlier today, i called because i needed to know if he could be put on the schedule for work (i write the schedule) and when he could be placed on it due to his injury. he did not answer so i did not leave a message i just decided i wouldnt put him on and not contact him anymore.

 

of course he calls back.

 

"i saw your missed call im sorry i missed it im shopping etc...whats up how are you? blah blah blah.."

 

talks to me for a good 15 minutes. tells me about his injury, his doctor appts, his life, how nothing new is going on with him...then asks me all about my life. if anything new is going on...what ive been up to what im doing that day hopes i have a good nite...you get the picture. then throws in the oh you are bartending on friday nites now maybe i'll stop in! i dont know if ill be allowed ill call you id like to see you sometime i dont know when ill be back to work ill call you.."

 

sure you will buddy. im not gonna sit here and wait.

 

our mutual friend called me tonite...we can call him bob...to ask me a random question. we brought up the boy and bob says to me "hey dont try anything with him right now...leave that alone for now..." i say well no **** sherlock its obvious he doesnt like me..ive left it alone im not out to be that pathetic obsessed girl. to which bob says, "no, its not that just..." okkk yuo know something i dont and tell me now. he ends up saying (even though he isnt supposed to..) "the boy and i went out the other nite. the nite he made plans with you and then you guys didnt hang out." okkk...."he said that he didnt want to start a relationship with you right now." well i could have told anyone that one 6 months ago..."he also said that everything that he ever said to you was true, everything you ever talked about was true and he didnt not run game on you...he was going to pursue a relationship with you but he had a relapse?? (weird choice of words...) and decided right now he just cant. he just cant tell you this because he doesnt want to hurt you."

 

he doesnt want to hurt me? JC dont do me any favors. im not 16 years old and i've dealt with many more major, devestating losses in my life. some stupid loser who cant make up his mind isnt gonna crush me...even though it has made me pretty dang sad

 

so i say what the hell is that...and bob says please dont say anything i really wasn't supposed to let that slip.

 

i still dont understand and thats when bob says look to make it clear and blunt for you im gonna put it this way..."the boy wants to be a whore. he wants to do what he wants. he was tied down way too long and cant jump into anything new."

 

so super, you were right about 18 posts ago. way to go i say to myself...even though all along i was NOT the one who confessed my feelings and made him fall in love with me. he was the one who said all the **** for 8 months...and he was the one who told me when he met me 2 years ago he was hooked.

 

ok now im really just ranting. anyone who has thoughts let me hear them. i understand but i guess im trying to find closure. but i guess THATS impossible. im already halfway over this. the way i see it, why the hell should i waste my time on someone who is so flakey, doesnt know what he wants, and doesn't even want to be around me anymore. at least before he would call and make plans. now i feel like he just talks to me to do me a favor. is that it? hes just so scared to hurt me hes keeping me as a friend to do me a favor? and if all those things he said ARE true? and WERE true at the moment? (the 8 months he said them) are they just GONE now? oh poof there go my feelings out the window. i dont have romantic feelings for this girl i once told was beautiful and perfect? is there no attraction there romantically...physcially...sexually...whatever anymore?

 

im just confused. i dont have peace with this yet.

 

wheres the guy with his mind in the right place? im taking applications...

[Curt]

Originally posted by angelj

why the hell should i waste my time on someone who is so flakey, doesnt know what he wants, and doesn't even want to be around me anymore. at least before he would call and make plans. now i feel like he just talks to me to do me a favor. is that it? hes just so scared to hurt me hes keeping me as a friend to do me a favor? and if all those things he said ARE true? and WERE true at the moment? (the 8 months he said them) are they just GONE now? oh poof there go my feelings out the window. i dont have romantic feelings for this girl i once told was beautiful and perfect? is there no attraction there romantically...physcially...sexually...whatever anymore?

 

im just confused. i dont have peace with this yet.

 

wheres the guy with his mind in the right place? im taking applications...

 

You are likely feeling rather hurt and/or tossed aside right now, angelj. I am sorry that this happened to you. It's hard to have had mutually reciprocated feelings for someone, and then come to a point where the other person shuts down. I suppose that we've all been there, done that, yadda yadda ...

 

Nonetheless, don't waste too much emotional energy getting yourself into a negative spin about it all. It's easy to become jaded in a situation like this, but don't let your heart get hardened by it. Attempt (however difficult it is) to see things as they appear to be ... find peace with it. I offer you this ...

 

It's clear that he does have strong feelings for you. He may very well be extremely attracted to you, and everything about you. Otherwise, he would do all he could to avoid you ... he wouldn't spare you at all if he didn't give a damn about you.

 

For him, the problem is likely as simple as he had put it to his friend. He wanted you in every way, loved being around you, and probably felt that you more than worth pursuing. That likely brought him into that "relationship space" in his mind again ... it brought on old feelings, and he started to worry about the possibility of getting tied down again. Who knows? Maybe he worries (even subconsciously) about having things with you possibly end up the same way ... with him being hurt.

 

His heart is not ready ... and so he is backing off. It is clear to me that he is not yet healed. He is doing the most mature thing that a person can in his state, preventing himself from getting into something where he could not meet the challenge and end up getting hurt (or hurting you).

 

I honestly don't think it has anything to do with you. The problem is him. It is likely that he wanted you, but can't go there right now. The timing was wrong.

 

As far as not telling you himself, I'm not surprised. Many people have failed to do the right thing under similar circumstances. If it makes him guilty of anything, it is of being a human being with failings. Don't judge him too harshly. To do the right thing in this situation, he would have to say goodbye to a relationship that he wants very much, but can't have because he realizes he is still too emotionally scattered and unavailable to have. Sorta like he had to put the gun to his own head (and yours) and pull the trigger on your both. So, he avoids and backs off.

 

You are right, he should tell you. I suppose he just can't. He's at odds with himself right now, and probably just is choking under the emotional pressure.

 

Angelj, move on and heal as you are doing. Make peace with it all and let the hurt go. Be gentle with him and with yourself.

 

Resist bitterness and avarice wherever possible.

 

Curt

[angelj]

i printed that post out curt.

 

ill be fine, ill find peace with it.

 

right now, it just plain sucks.

 

im off for another nite of partying wastedness. at least the thoughts don't crowd my head when im out with friends.

[angelj]

ok guys...i cant wait till u read this update.

 

so the boy turned out to be an immature moron stuck in high school...id say 10th grade or so...

 

he was still a flake...i didnt call him anymore since last friday bc i figured it was time to move on. i had to call mon bc my manager was stuck in a meeting and needed him to come in and sign some paperwork. not really wanting to make the call but not able to say no, i called from WORKS number and NOT my cell...and left a very formal message stating i was calling only for my manager and to come in and see him or give him a call thank you bye.

 

tues the boy comes in to work i ignore him and act natural and he wont leave me alone! talks my head off for a good 15 minutes and stayed and hung out for an hour and hugged me oh more than a few times goodbye.

 

whatever...ive been having fun with my life again thank goodness and the boy had not been plaguing my mind anymore. it was so great!

 

wednesday rolls around. tues the boy asked me to see if i could squeeze him on the schedule (as i write the schedule...) and if he could work under the table since he is back out on workmans comp so wed im writing it in the office with a friend/coworker (we can call her A) and the manager and the manager says no let him know we cant do that.

 

i call him later that day and leave no message seeing as though its not that important. he will call if not oh well i was trying to be just a friend...since i thought we were being "strictly friends?" i pushed my emotions farrrr away.

 

ok then i catch him in a lie...or i catch him talking **** about me rather...

 

i was on the phone with my friend A later that day (wednesday). she runs into him at a gas station. now keep in mind im on the phone with A and the boy has no idea i am friends with A. when he was still at work, he thought i despised A because of stories mainly he told me about her flirtatious nature toward him...and rumors that she was spreading gossip about me (which was all a bunch of high school lies and drama that poor A and i got dragged down in) I LOVE RESTAURANTS! so meanwhile i can hear EVERYTHING going on, she says hi asks how he is doing and before she can get a word in edgewise, he breaks into this 10 minute thing about his life and work and etc etc. to which he THEN says, "and angelj keeps leaving me messages. shes starting to get on my nerves..."

 

are you kidding me? i havent even been calling him. he was starting to get on MY nerves! and when i HAD called him, there was no feeling involved!! DONT FLATTER YOURSELF!

 

to make a long story short A tells him she was there when teh manager told me to call and he says oh i didnt know that is why she called, she didnt leave me a message.

 

to make an even longer story short, i called him for the last time immediately after A left. he answers, "HEY!! i was just about to call you thats so funny!" to which i say yes, it is funny. i was just on the phone with A. and he says "*nervous laughter* right i ran into he..." and i cut him off and go yeah u ran into her at the store i was on the PHONE with her did u see the phone next to her head? i heard what u said dumbass im getting on your nerves, huh?

 

HAHA heres the best part...he didnt fess up to it or deny it!! he IGNORED IT COMPLETEY!

 

"oh did u talk to the manager?" me - are u kidding? are you hearing any words im saying? "what did he say when u asked to put me on the schedule?" wow you are crazy he said no way you arent allowed. do you understand why i called you i called you originally for WORK RELATED REASONS ONLY AND BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE HAD A FRIENDSHIP OBVIOUSLY WE DO NOT . "hey can i have his cell number i should call him myself" you are unbelievable.

 

i gave him thenumber and then said (and it was so hard to keep my cool although afterward i felt like i had been dealing with a child!) "i was just calling to say F you i heard what you said" then he pretended like i hung up on him, and told whomever he was around i hung up on him while i sat there saying i didnt hang up on you please finish this conversation like an adult. (trying to make me look pyscho now eh?) then he hung up. i called back (my mistake) and he said why did you hang up! i said youre crazy i didnt he said "oh." i said im going to go now and he said thanks so much im going to give him a call!! talk to you later! i said yeah BYE.

 

how old are we? youre kidding right?

 

i think thats the first time he was caught in a lie. and i think hes lied A LOT to women in the past. and i dont think thats the last time he will lie to a woman again. but i will say thats the last time he will lie to me.

 

best part was i told a younger brother of a friend...(he's 15) and he said to me, "arent you guys 22 or something? that sounds like what we do to girls and me and my friends are 15."

 

i hope i gave u all a good chuckle...i wonder what his next move will be? haha or if he even brings it up ever again if he comes back to work. hehe oh well i think i got the last laugh..at least for now

[angelj]

ps

 

i found out also from A (bc she asked if he had spoken to the ex) that he is now finally going to community college (reason # 5016 why the ex wanted to split up with him..) and he has to take some test and is borrowing the exes book.

 

if you ask me, boy cant get over the fact THEYRE over and is now trying to impress her and thinks he is over me.

 

my only hope is that she is wise enough to not go back to that and he realizes he lost out on TWO things...and this one being the most wonderful of all if not - oh well im out with a clean slate and a heart i thought was broken completely, healed.

[clynn]

W-o-W. This guy really is trouble.

 

I guess you can be grateful you found out now instead of going out with him and figuring it out while becoming more attached.

 

Some guys are really good at pulling wool over our eyes!

 

And, I guess you can also be gratefuly, in a way, that you got to find out and actually hear him say that crappy stuff. Sure helps you move on. If he was the perfect nice guy it makes it a lot more difficult.

 

All the best.

 

You're sooooo better off!