BJP56 Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 My GF and I have been together for a year and I am in need of some advice. We talked about our future together as we continued to develop, but I am troubled by some of the things she does not want. 1. She does not want a wedding of any kind, just simply going to court and signing a document. Even if we did a non traditional ceromoney she wants no part in it. I feel I dont want to be the one put on the spot when its suppose to be our day. I know this is early in the relationship to decide long term, but it helps me get on the same page as her. 2. She does not want a family at all because "does not like kids". I respect her decision, but again I am being put on the spot to decide if I want a long term relationship with no kids in the future. I just feel this is a real deal breaker for me, but I lover enough to not let her go just yet. She could change her mind, and I hate to be the one to let her go when she does.
TayTay415 Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 What do you mean by "put on the spot"? Is she demanding engagement right now? A marriage should be the priority over a wedding. It's not "your day" it's "your life and marriage." But the two of you should be on the same page about having children or not. 2
iiiii Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 I certainly wouldn't marry until you two have agreed on whether you'd want children. However, you don't seem to even know yourself right now whether you want kids. Breaking up with a girl because of her opinions about wanting children, when you are unsure whether you even want kids, seems a bit unnecessary. As for the other issue, the wedding day is just one day, in the whole of your lives. It's really not all that important. I suggest that you guys discuss the reasons behind your preferences - why you want a big wedding, and why she wants no ceremony - so you can find a compromise that makes you both happy. Could you elope for a private ceremony with just a few close friends (or even just you two and the celebrant), for example? 1
Author BJP56 Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 What do you mean by "put on the spot"? Is she demanding engagement right now? A marriage should be the priority over a wedding. It's not "your day" it's "your life and marriage." But the two of you should be on the same page about having children or not. She is not demanding engagment right now nor am I until we have had more time to develop.
Author BJP56 Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 Could you elope for a private ceremony with just a few close friends (or even just you two and the celebrant), for example? Yes we can. She is open to that.
Author BJP56 Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 My whole problem with wanting kids and she doesnt is, her basing the decision off what she sees with another persons kids, and to say "no kids at all" without giving it a chance seems irrational to me. Yes they will have to be planned if she decides to change her mind, but for right now, I working on the relationship.
Poppygoodwill Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 There's an old, wise saying: when people tell you who they are, believe them. If you know you want kids, or believe it's likely, then perhaps she is not the right person for you. If you marry her assuming that she'll change her mind...that her biological clock will go off....that she'll realize that all along she wanted to be a mother....etc etc etc....you will likely be disappointed. And all that will happen is that you'll be married a long time, letting the issue play out, until finally you realize she was telling you the truth, and then desperate to have kids, you'll run off with someone younger/more fertile. I never felt I wanted kids. And I've never had them. I like them, it's just not my thing. I could have told you that at 20, and I can confirm it now in my mid-forties. Take her at her word and make your own decision for yourself. 3
Gaeta Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 1. She does not want a wedding of any kind, just simply going to court and signing a document. Even if we did a non traditional ceromoney she wants no part in it. I feel I dont want to be the one put on the spot when its suppose to be our day. I know this is early in the relationship to decide long term, but it helps me get on the same page as her. Why? does she not beleive in marriage? Do you share the same view on what marriage it, commitment? Why does she want to sweep one of the most important day of your life under the rug as if it's nothing but dirt? 2. She does not want a family at all because "does not like kids". I respect her decision, but again I am being put on the spot to decide if I want a long term relationship with no kids in the future. I just feel this is a real deal breaker for me, but I lover enough to not let her go just yet. She could change her mind, and I hate to be the one to let her go when she does. No means no. She said no. You don't stay with a person because 'they may change their mind'. If you want children then don't deny yourself fatherhood for this woman. You will end up resenting her for it.
Atticus9292012 Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Major life decisions such as not wanting children or even a big wedding are not things you should expect anyone to change. Those are things you must accept at face value and either decide if you can live with or without these things. If these are things you truly desire, I would not suggest continuing to invest in a relationship that has no signs of these things. These are also topics I strongly suggest discussing early on before any real emotional involvement. Leaving someone you love is one of the hardest things I have ever done. You can ride it out, but it could end up being a huge waste of your time. 1
deathandtaxes Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 No wedding ceremony? Not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Consider it not blowing wads of cash on one day. If you want kids and she doesn't - that's game over. And you need to tell her yesterday. Concurrence on children is one of a few things that couples MUST AGREE on. 1
Standard-Fare Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 How old are you guys and how serious is your relationship? If you feel like you're in pretty deep, heading toward marriage, you might want to press the "pause" button due to the kids issue. I'm disregarding the wedding thing, because I don't think that's as big of a deal and I do think there's got to be room for some compromise there. But the kids thing is a big deal for a relationship, and unfortunately you just can't get around it. At some point maybe you need to have an honest conversation about exactly where you both stand, whether there's room for flexibility, and what it all means for your dating future.
Diezel Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Holy crap, I wish I knew a woman who didn't want to splurge thousands of dollars on a wedding. Most women nowadays want to GET married, not BE married. And if you two are relatively young, her biological clock might tick eventually and she may change her tune. But if you want kids, and she doesn't... you better listen to her now and pay attention to that. There's a high chance she's being honest and you might waste years waiting on someone who told you from the beginning what exactly she did or didn't want. 1
Augman Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 I feel for you and your situation. As others have said, I agree that you should not worry much about the wedding... The children thing... now that deserves a serious "talk" if you're months into the relationship and considering marriage at some point. 1
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