clewless Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Ok, I'm going to start a flame war... My girlfriend of 1 year, of which we have been having sex the last 6 months, hasn't wanted to have sex for the last couple of weeks... I was supposed to take her to go do some shopping (and wait for her) and then give her a driving lesson... I actually didn't feel like doing it, and when we woke up and still didn't have sex this morning, I just said I don't feel like going shopping today - she said, is it cause we haven't had sex (she has been giving me all sorts of excuses lately) and I said, 'yes'... fact is, if we had sex, I would feel better/happier/etc. and not mind being stuck shopping for a few hours, whereas since we didn't have sex, I was feeling pent-up frustration (not the best attitude to take shopping) So my question is, if a woman can say she doesn't feel like having sex, why isn't it ok for a guy to say he doesn't want to go shopping?
mightycpa Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 No matter what the woman says about sex, it is always OK for the guy to say he doesn't want to go shopping. Whether he should go anyway is a different question. 7
maysj18 Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 No matter what the woman says about sex, it is always OK for the guy to say he doesn't want to go shopping. Whether he should go anyway is a different question. This. Have you tried getting to the bottom of the issue? Sex for a girl isn't the same for a man, physically. My boyfriend and I are going through a similar situation. I have 0 interest in sex because it's not exciting anymore. He thinks my fantasies are weird and he hasn't listened to me when I tell him what I need to get in the mood. He can grab my ass and that's all the foreplay he needs. I'm way different. Before getting vindictive, ask her what's going on. It could be that sex isn't enjoyable anymore for her. Sexual chemistry takes work after awhile. Don't automatically assume you're everything she wants in bed. When sex becomes a chore, it is awful. It's uncomfortable, irritating, and painful. Trust me. This isn't about me, but it sounds similar. There's always a reason when sex starts to fizzle. 4
Author clewless Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 Sex for a girl isn't the same for a man, physically. Good answer I understand sex is different for men and women, that's kinda why I was asking if it is the same to say men might 'endure' shopping, like women 'endure' sex when they really don't want to... is it fair to say it's the same - like an equal trade-off?
beach Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Does she work? How does she get to work? She can find a way to get to the store herself. Her disinterest in sex means you're needs are her priority. Maybe she needs to see what it's like without you?
Candy_Pants Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Being uninterested in sex and being uninterested in shopping are both "fine". However it seems you're not doing something you promised because she's been uninterested in sex. Which would be a subtle form of manipulation. What's changed prior to her not wanting sex (as much)? Why have you been having sex for only 6 months of the one year relationship? Were either of you virgins? 2
isisisweeping Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Being uninterested in sex and being uninterested in shopping are both "fine". However it seems you're not doing something you promised because she's been uninterested in sex. Which would be a subtle form of manipulation. ? This. Whole thing on your part was a d*ck move. You didn't do what you promised. If it wasn't promised and you just didn't feel like going, fine. that's different. So that's one aspect of poor behavior. Another one is that manipulating a browbeating a person over not having sex with you - relationship or not- is disgusting. I've never said no to sex in a relationship in my life, ever, but with that kind of behavior and attitude, I think I would if I were with you. It's in your best interest to reevaluate. 5
Mopparon Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 (edited) You don't feel like going shopping and your gf loves going shopping with you, while at the same time, your gf doesn't feel like having sex and you love having sex. To be honest, it really doesn't sound like you two are compatible at all, so my best advice would be to move on with your life and find someone who is more compatible with you. Relationships shouldn't be a tug of war, forcing yourself to do something just to make someone else happy. Things you do together should make both of you happy and this is especially true when it comes to sex I think. If your intimate time together isn't making both of you happy and one of you is feeling like it is a chore, then something isn't right. And it isn't fair on either of you if you are both having to suffer in some way to keep the relationship going. (You suffering by not getting to have enough sex and your gf suffering by forcing herself to do something she doesn't want to do). Ultimately, life is too short to waste it arguing and suffering with someone you aren't compatible with. Especially when there are lots of women out there who love having sex, and who are also maybe not as fussed about shopping or prefer shopping alone. I know its heartbreaking when relationships don't work out. But think how much happier you might be with someone you were more compatible with in the long term. Maybe weigh up the pros and cons of your relationship as it stands now, talk to your gf about how you are feeling about the lack of sex and let her tell you how she is feeling, then see what conclusions you arrive at together. Either you are both willing to compromise to make it work or perhaps you feel you'd be better off going your separate ways. At least that way you both have a chance to salvage the relationship by sharing your thoughts and feelings about it as it is now and offering suggestions as to what might make it better for both of you. Edited September 1, 2014 by Mopparon 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 This. Whole thing on your part was a d*ck move. You didn't do what you promised. If it wasn't promised and you just didn't feel like going, fine. that's different. So that's one aspect of poor behavior. Another one is that manipulating a browbeating a person over not having sex with you - relationship or not- is disgusting. I've never said no to sex in a relationship in my life, ever, but with that kind of behavior and attitude, I think I would if I were with you. It's in your best interest to reevaluate. Agreed. Not cool, OP. That's no way to address the underlying issues with her lack of interest in sex.
Author clewless Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 Being uninterested in sex and being uninterested in shopping are both "fine". However it seems you're not doing something you promised because she's been uninterested in sex. Which would be a subtle form of manipulation. What's changed prior to her not wanting sex (as much)? Why have you been having sex for only 6 months of the one year relationship? Were either of you virgins? We just waited six months or so before we had sex, no real reason, it just seemed to happen that way Basically I think we ended up breaking up this morning, after not having sex this morning, I simply said I didn't feel like going shopping (not being manipulative - just being honest) after she had already gotten up and said she had to go anyway... I was just wondering if it was an equivalent 'feeling' of men not wanting to shop and women not wanting to have sex, since most men never seem to not to want to have sex
somedude81 Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 From what I understand, when a woman no longer wants to have sex, it means that she no longer wants to be in the relationship. Of course, just because a woman wants to have sex doesn't mean that she wants to be in a relationship either. But definitely no sex is a bad sign. 1
isisisweeping Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 , since most men never seem to not to want to have sex This just isn't true. I also find the generalizations of men and women like this not helpful for the many men and many women it does not fit. (ie, I love sex and hate shopping; and I've been turned down by past boyfriends when they weren't in the mood or told it was just too often. Which doesn't make them less manly or whatever.) Variations in sex drives are just that. 3
Mopparon Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 From what I understand, when a woman no longer wants to have sex, it means that she no longer wants to be in the relationship. Of course, just because a woman wants to have sex doesn't mean that she wants to be in a relationship either. But definitely no sex is a bad sign. A woman not wanting sex isn't necessarily a bad sign in a relationship, it depends on the dynamics of that relationship and whether sex is an important component to either partner. If both partners are happy with the level of intimacy they share then there isn't a problem. Its only when the level of intimacy is insufficient / over-demanding for one or the other of the partners (especially when the partners are no longer able to compromise) that it becomes a "bad sign" in the relationship. 2
Mopparon Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 I also find the generalizations of men and women like this not helpful for the many men and many women it does not fit. (ie, I love sex and hate shopping; and I've been turned down by past boyfriends when they weren't in the mood or told it was just too often. Which doesn't make them less manly or whatever.) Variations in sex drives are just that. I completely agree with this. Everyone has a different sex drive. And people with mismatched sex drives will likely struggle more to make a relationship work. This is why finding someone more compatible with you, OP, especially in terms of sex drive (in this case, as this is what seems to be a high priority to you), will hopefully lead to less arguments and greater happiness overall in a relationship. 1
Bigcitydreamer Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Do you guys argue or fight a lot? When I stopped wanting to sleep with my ex it was due to resentment from fighting. I didn't feel comfortable being in a vulnerable state with him. I tried to communicate that to him and he was too stubborn and difficult to believe me. He insisted it was due to a lack of attraction for him but that was not the case. The fighting and arguing just really put me off. If you guys are fighting or if she feels resentment, then that could be why she keeps turning you away.
Author clewless Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 Do you guys argue or fight a lot? When I stopped wanting to sleep with my ex it was due to resentment from fighting. I didn't feel comfortable being in a vulnerable state with him. I tried to communicate that to him and he was too stubborn and difficult to believe me. He insisted it was due to a lack of attraction for him but that was not the case. The fighting and arguing just really put me off. If you guys are fighting or if she feels resentment, then that could be why she keeps turning you away. Actually, she had seemed to be picking fights with me over nothing the last two weeks... in fact, I even told her once that she created an argument out of literally nothing one day... sadly, I think she had just somehow grown away from me and wasn't willing to say anything yet, but her body language and lack of sex drive said it all, I guess... Thanks
irc333 Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Actually, she had seemed to be picking fights with me over nothing the last two weeks... in fact, I even told her once that she created an argument out of literally nothing one day... sadly, I think she had just somehow grown away from me and wasn't willing to say anything yet, but her body language and lack of sex drive said it all, I guess... Thanks Yeah, the last woman I dated started to think "all we do is eat, watch movies/TV, and fool around." Which I thought we did a healthy mix of that kind of thing. She was the one that actually escalated things physically, but now she thought we did it "too much." and not any kind of regular going out and doing activities together. Though I thought we had a pretty healthy mix of both. She didn't even like me hardly touching her either, that was a turn off for me right there. So I decided to give her her space, she contacted me about being friends, so I concurred about hanging out sometime in the future...then she just launched into me like a scorned lover and considering what I had done and she thought I wasn't a gentleman at all and wasn't patient enough to deal with her intimacy issues.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 You already knew you weren't going to win this one as soon as you posted it. It's pretty obvious what people are going to say. So we'll just leave that be, at the end of the day both people do wrong things in a relationship...it just depends on who you're asking who is more at fault or who is the worst of the two. But I'll tell you, once you start fighting over sex it's all down hill from there. I understand you're feeling neglected and like your needs aren't getting met, but it's like in sports..the guy who throws the first punch doesn't get caught or blamed, it's the guy who strikes in retaliation that everyone sees, you get upset and furious over it and do something stupid and it makes you look like the crazy one who's out of control and has serious issues...and you're the bad guy now for being frustrated over your sex life and refusing to go shopping because you basically "promised"...even if the other person planted the seed some time ago and was aware of the problem. So she's going to win this one easily, you're going to look like the inconsiderate fool even if she's been essentially careless about your needs (but based on your behavior now, your attitude and behavior in the relationship is in question) and since her needs differ from yours it'll be easier for her to make you out to look and feel like a pervert for the sake of not having sex with you..she can tell you all you want her is for her body and this and that...when the reality is she just doesn't want to have sex, but she won't take any blame for all the games and white lies she tells to avoid having sex with you. So IMO incompatibility and/or combination of other issues of course...but there are people out there that don't see sex as a necessity or even a priority so they're not going to suffer or understand at all what you're going through...and maybe you've got some other serious issues in the relationship causing these problems that you can try and work through but that's no guarantee if even likely, because if part or all of the problem is that she just doesn't want to have sex then it's not going to really change and improve. Which comes into the spotlight because she essentially didn't have sex with you for six months. My advice is just simply leave the relationship and don't go back, unless you want to end up as one of the legions of married men and men in relationship that have to think about the good ole days when they used to have sex in the beginning of their relationship. That's why you'll see some guys having a lot of these short-term relationships with women, because once the "fun" wears off it just becomes monotonous and boring, just to maintain this level of "average". 1
Mopparon Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Actually, she had seemed to be picking fights with me over nothing the last two weeks... in fact, I even told her once that she created an argument out of literally nothing one day... sadly, I think she had just somehow grown away from me and wasn't willing to say anything yet, but her body language and lack of sex drive said it all, I guess... Thanks At the end of the day it seems you two just aren't compatible and its better to realise it now and go your separate ways. That way hopefully both of you will find a better match and have happier relationships in the future. 1
Maleficent Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Ok, I'm going to start a flame war... My girlfriend of 1 year, of which we have been having sex the last 6 months, hasn't wanted to have sex for the last couple of weeks... I was supposed to take her to go do some shopping (and wait for her) and then give her a driving lesson... I actually didn't feel like doing it, and when we woke up and still didn't have sex this morning, I just said I don't feel like going shopping today - she said, is it cause we haven't had sex (she has been giving me all sorts of excuses lately) and I said, 'yes'... fact is, if we had sex, I would feel better/happier/etc. and not mind being stuck shopping for a few hours, whereas since we didn't have sex, I was feeling pent-up frustration (not the best attitude to take shopping) So my question is, if a woman can say she doesn't feel like having sex, why isn't it ok for a guy to say he doesn't want to go shopping? ok first of all re the bolded part. You can't put that kind of pressure to have sex on your girlfriend. She doesn't owe you sex and your happiness does not depend on the fact you had sex or not. The pent-up frustration is yours to work out not hers to fix so stop being a douchebag about it. If you haven't had sex in a long time, there could be a reason. Telling her she is more or less responsible for your frustration is only going to make things worse - trust me! Fell free to have a conversation about the lack of sex - in a non-accusatory way. See if something is stressing her out, hurting her etc. However, if you are going to have this conversation, it needs to be all about her and how she feels. Leave out the 'boohoo I'm not getting laid part'. I could post hundreds of reasons here that would make her not want to have sex - some of them could be you, some of them could be totally unrelated. 2
Maleficent Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Good answer I understand sex is different for men and women, that's kinda why I was asking if it is the same to say men might 'endure' shopping, like women 'endure' sex when they really don't want to... is it fair to say it's the same - like an equal trade-off? Hum. no. forcing yourself to have sex when you don't really want to is degrading and invasive. Going shopping when you don't really want to just sucks. That being said, I understand you don't want to go shopping and think she shouldn't expect you to go either. But that's another thread... 3
Andy_K Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Think you're getting a very harsh reception here OP. I doubt most of the critics have much empathy for a guy who isn't getting as much sex as he wants. Constant rejection by your partner can cause some pretty significant emotional and mental anguish, especially if she offers no good reasons or simply isn't not the mood. You can't just 'deal with it' any more than you can just 'deal' with never being kissed, complimented, or having any time spent with you. These are all serious things. Of course he's not going to be happy about it. It's bound to affect his mood and inclination to do other things in the relationship. At least he's being honest about how he feels and why, unlike his girlfriend who simply palms him off with excuse after excuse without offering any explanation to why she's changed her behaviour. 1
TayTay415 Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Good answer I understand sex is different for men and women, that's kinda why I was asking if it is the same to say men might 'endure' shopping, like women 'endure' sex when they really don't want to... is it fair to say it's the same - like an equal trade-off? I think it's fair for anyone to 'endure' a 'chore' they don't want to participate in, to make their partner happy. Shopping, watching a movie genre they don't care for, taking out the trash, etc. Sex, however, is not a chore and not something anyone, male or female, should ever have to 'endure.' The minute you start equating sex to a chore, or task, that someone ought to 'endure' is the moment your capacity for a healthy relationship goes out the window. You cannot compare the two, at all. 3
Mopparon Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 Think you're getting a very harsh reception here OP. I doubt most of the critics have much empathy for a guy who isn't getting as much sex as he wants. Constant rejection by your partner can cause some pretty significant emotional and mental anguish, especially if she offers no good reasons or simply isn't not the mood. You can't just 'deal with it' any more than you can just 'deal' with never being kissed, complimented, or having any time spent with you. These are all serious things. Of course he's not going to be happy about it. It's bound to affect his mood and inclination to do other things in the relationship. At least he's being honest about how he feels and why, unlike his girlfriend who simply palms him off with excuse after excuse without offering any explanation to why she's changed her behaviour. They just aren't compatible and neither seems to have said anything before now. But no one should have to force themselves to have sex with someone when they don't want to. If its a deal breaker to him that he isn't getting enough sex then that is fair enough, but you can't pressure someone to have sex with you, it won't work and will only make things worse in the relationship not better. Both of them deserve to be happy in a relationship, that's why they both need to move on and find partners that are better matches for them 1
Diezel Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 You guys haven't been having sex for weeks? I think there is a bigger issue there than "Don't feel like shopping". And the fact that her first response to why you don't want to go is "Because we haven't had sex?" means FULL WELL that she KNOWS that she isn't having sex with you and she is holding it back. You guys are playing the Catch-22 Dead Bedroom edition game. She'll say she isn't having sex because parts of the relationship are lacking. You'll say parts of the relationship are lacking because there is no sex. This is a clear and evident breakdown in communication. You two might be better off going your separate ways. 1
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