jcm101 Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Been dating this girl for like over 3 months..I would assume we're official, but neither of us have brought it up yet. I really like her and know she likes me too. We actually just came back from vacation together with friends. Great time. Only thing is she doesn't offer to split dinner bills. Thing is though, she cooks for me, will pay for herself if we're eating with friends, if i buy her a drink she'll offer to buy me the next one, paid for a sight seeing tour for me, etc. Is this really a problem then that she doesn't offer? We only go out to eat maybe once every two weeks or so, so I guess it doesn't bother me much, but im just wondering if it's basically too late to ask to split when we are official? I've asked her to put in cash for tip as I only had my card and she had no problem doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Maybe you should ask if at this point in the relationship she thinks it would be OK to take turns paying. Splitting is more blah, like when going out with my coworkers. I like to take turns once I enter a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 When she cooks do you pay for the food or split it ? 14 Link to post Share on other sites
batgirl Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Well, she does offer to split with you, pay for drinks, etc. She just doesn't offer to split dinner bills. I like to offer to pay, and have the means to do so, so this isn't super familiar to me but if you are dating someone exclusively I think it is okay to ask her to pick up the occasional check. Do you jump in to pay before she gets a chance? I like to finish my drink and be completely done before addressing the bill. I have had more than one man jump on the check before I have a chance to even take a glance. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 "Thing is though, she cooks for me, will pay for herself if we're eating with friends, if i buy her a drink she'll offer to buy me the next one, paid for a sight seeing tour for me, etc." What are you talking about? Looks like she does quite a fair amount! Do you think the food she cooks for you comes free? You sound like a cheap skate. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jcm101 Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 When she cooks do you pay for the food or split it ? When we cook (we actually cook together) it's at her place, and she doesn't let me pay. I offer to at store, but she does. Once in awhile i'll pick up food beforehand for us to cook and ill pay. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 When we cook (we actually cook together) it's at her place, and she doesn't let me pay. I offer to at store, but she does. Once in awhile i'll pick up food beforehand for us to cook and ill pay. How often does that happen that she buys the food to cook for you? You may be coming out ahead in this deal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 When we cook (we actually cook together) it's at her place, and she doesn't let me pay. I offer to at store, but she does. Once in awhile i'll pick up food beforehand for us to cook and ill pay. seems to me you guys are basically at even steven....don't let money put a black mark on your dating this girl... dating isn't about being even and honestly you have what I would call fair and even.. just not down to the penny.. sooo.. let it go and enjoy your time with her and don't let some date must pay nazi on the internet tell you different.. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
michellew Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Is it your idea to go out to eat? Do you make significantly more money than her? Perhaps she can't afford to split the bill, but is trying to compensate with all of the other things she is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mister Zen Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 She seems pretty reasonable in my opinion. Dinner dates are usually seen as treats for the woman.. so that's probably why she never offers. I think its important to communicate what you want and expect from each other openly. My experience has taught me that holding in the stuff that bothers you (no matter how small) leads to resentment later. Which ultimately leads to fights. Say what's on your mind. Even if its trivial, unreasonable or politically incorrect. She will respect you more for it. There is nothing more attractive than a man with no fear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DazedandConfused8 Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Been dating this girl for like over 3 months..I would assume we're official, but neither of us have brought it up yet. I really like her and know she likes me too. We actually just came back from vacation together with friends. Great time. Only thing is she doesn't offer to split dinner bills. Thing is though, she cooks for me, will pay for herself if we're eating with friends, if i buy her a drink she'll offer to buy me the next one, paid for a sight seeing tour for me, etc. Is this really a problem then that she doesn't offer? We only go out to eat maybe once every two weeks or so, so I guess it doesn't bother me much, but im just wondering if it's basically too late to ask to split when we are official? I've asked her to put in cash for tip as I only had my card and she had no problem doing so. Since you're already on the cusp of being 'official,' I would wait for that status to be settled before bringing up who pays for what. Once that's settled, you need to have a conversation about how you're going to split things. What's her cooking a full meal for you worth compared to you paying for pizza ordered in one night? That sounds equal to me but you/she might feel differently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 "Thing is though, she cooks for me, will pay for herself if we're eating with friends, if i buy her a drink she'll offer to buy me the next one, paid for a sight seeing tour for me, etc." What are you talking about? Looks like she does quite a fair amount! Do you think the food she cooks for you comes free? You sound like a cheap skate. Took the words right out of my mouth. Count yourself lucky because from what I've read on here and seen in real life, most young women dating these days don't actually pay for much and just expect the guy, boyfriend or not, to pick up the checks. She may not be slapping down her card at the restaurant every time you go out to dinner but she sounds like she's at least balancing things out by paying for other things AND paying her own way on bigger purchase items like her trip. Stop your bellyaching already. Keeping score like you have is not only uncalled for but it's a perfect way to ruin a good thing quickly. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Maybe it just that I'm old and from another time era but when I asked a girl out on a date either to a movie or dinner.............anything. I paid for the both of us. I asked her out. In other words, I asked her to accompany me to a certain place and she agreed so therefore I pay her way. I would feel really funny having her pay for half or buy me dinner and that's happened when I was bought dinner but it was my birthday and so I went along with it. For Gods sake man if you can't afford to pay her way then don't ask her out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TayTay415 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Sounds like you're even when it comes to money, and she's actually ahead in the effort column, cooking and everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Supernatural Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I would get in to the habit of taking turns. If a woman expects me to pay for something... That's lame. This will lead to resentment and eventually the downfall of the relationships. Communicate with her. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Maybe it just that I'm old and from another time era but when I asked a girl out on a date either to a movie or dinner.............anything. I paid for the both of us. I asked her out. In other words, I asked her to accompany me to a certain place and she agreed so therefore I pay her way. I would feel really funny having her pay for half or buy me dinner and that's happened when I was bought dinner but it was my birthday and so I went along with it. For Gods sake man if you can't afford to pay her way then don't ask her out. Thank you. It's good to know that there are still gentlemen out there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
maysj18 Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Here's my rule of thumb: If I invite my boyfriend out, I pay. If he invites, he pays. Easy peasy. She's buying groceries and treating you just as much as you're treating her, so where's your hang up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Let's keep this thread about the thread starter please Link to post Share on other sites
Thruster Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Been dating this girl for like over 3 months..I would assume we're official, but neither of us have brought it up yet. I really like her and know she likes me too. We actually just came back from vacation together with friends. Great time. Only thing is she doesn't offer to split dinner bills. Thing is though, she cooks for me, will pay for herself if we're eating with friends, if i buy her a drink she'll offer to buy me the next one, paid for a sight seeing tour for me, etc. Is this really a problem then that she doesn't offer? We only go out to eat maybe once every two weeks or so, so I guess it doesn't bother me much, but im just wondering if it's basically too late to ask to split when we are official? I've asked her to put in cash for tip as I only had my card and she had no problem doing so. Don't take this the wrong way But dude -- If you can't afford to take her out (Tell her) But if you do -- Man up and pay it all Girls do understand if you tell them that $50 meals hurt the wallet eat in more -- and always pick up the bill 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 (edited) I too am the kind of woman that runs a balance between traditional and modern. Even though I'm from a generation where men ALWAYS paid, I am not one to take anything or anyone for granted especially at this age. What does that mean? If a guy asks ME out, at least the first couple of dates, I expect him to pay just as I would insist on paying if I asked him out. After that, I will always offer to pick up the check especially if we're seeing each other frequently and establishing some kind of courtship as it can get costly. Splitting the bill for small items like dinners, drinks and/or movies is just not MY thing and find that to be quite tacky, however, taking a trip or booking a vacation together, again, I don't have a problem with each of us paying our own way if that's how it has to be. OR better yet, plan out who pays for what so it balances out; he pays for the tickets and I'll pay for all the meals and we each pay for our own activities etc. Regardless of anything, if you're into each other and plan on spending A LOT more time together and money IS indeed an issue, you will HAVE to discuss the "rules" that are most comfortable for the both of you. Assuming anything just breeds resentment and is a recipe for disaster. Talk it out if nothing else. Edited September 2, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 3 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Is it possible she just feels really awkward about offering? That is my LEAST favourite part of the date, the agreeing how to split things part! If a guy is default the sorta man who wants to buy me dinner I always feel super awkward getting the 'would you like to split?' sentence in... if I want to pay I'll just do it on the sly when he's in the bathroom or slip off to a waitress so he can't object. But it sounds honestly like she does half of her share too, which is what it's all about. Not necessarily always every week coming out 50/50 financially but taking it in turns to treat each other. In my relationship we take it in turns. Or it depends on finances, if it's near the end of the month whoever has the most cash left will pay. Same with home expenses, we just moved in here and I'm bottomed out financially whereas boyfriend happened to have a bonus month just before we got the apartment, so he's taken on the majority of purchases (furniture, initial bill payments, food shops) although I've definitely contributed (maybe 30%?) but once I get my first pay cheque from my new job I'll be earning quite a lot more than him (50% more at least) so I will be taking on more of the home expenses, food shops, bills. Hopefully once it's the end of my month and I'm poor again he will have a bit left from my taking the reins for a few weeks and can cover us again haha. I honestly don't mind at all that I'll be paying for more of the home expenses when he's studying and I'm in my graduate job because I know he's not a tightwad, due to how generous he's been with his limited cash already. It's all about doing nice things for each other, we split the dinner bill in turns, but it feels SO much nicer than paying half each every time, it gives us something to be grateful for and makes it feel more like a date. We take it in turns to cook etc. He tried to buy me a $60 handbag I REALLY loved the other day but I refused to allow him because I knew that money would be needed at home with moving bills. I'll spend $40 getting his favourite food in the cupboards and making him a surprise proper three course evening meal at home when he gets back from work. Do you really like this girl? I only ask because when you feel resentment over something that isn't really a major issue (she is also treating you) or question it it's sometimes a sign you're not really that into the guy or girl, picking on their faults. In my first serious relationship of four years, my ex bought me one hot chocolate. And he went on about that for weeks. I genuinely struggled to get used to men treating me on dates as it was totally alien and felt like I was a gold digger, bloodsucking high maintenance cow. I would feel upset and guilty all night I'd cost him money. Thank god I'm not like that anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 My bf pays every time we go out. I'm really budgeting right now and cannot afford to pay for the pricey meals (he always chooses $$$$ restaurants) when we dine out and we dine out about 2xs a week. He makes much more than me and has always insisted on paying. In turn, I cook for him A LOT. I'll spend time cooking gourmet meals, looking up recipes and trying to feed him healthy organic and delicious foods! I'll pick up the tab for smaller bills like breakfast or lunch as well sometimes. Once a month I like to plan a date where I'll take care of the bill completely...like dinner, show, drinks, etc... My bf is wild about my cooking so even if I never paid I don't think he would care! Link to post Share on other sites
seekingpeaceinlove Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 So, OP, it seems like your girl is trying her best and in her own way to treat you as well. Perhaps, like me, she is not as financially able to pay her way. In any case, if the issue bothers you, talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Since you're already on the cusp of being 'official,' I would wait for that status to be settled before bringing up who pays for what. Once that's settled, you need to have a conversation about how you're going to split things. What's her cooking a full meal for you worth compared to you paying for pizza ordered in one night? That sounds equal to me but you/she might feel differently. When people say it doesn't matter who is out in front and its not important being evens, I do agree with this, up to a certain point. The same things that get thrown at the OP about being a cheapskate could be thrown at her when it comes to 21st century equality, especially if this is a money saving strategy she adopts for bfs. Its probably too early to say yet or make an issue over. I agree he should wait for them to be official to discuss it. There is not enough info really to say if there is any significant imbalance. They share the cooking but she buys the food. Are they just eating chops and veges, or pasta. When he buys dinner is it at a pizza restaurant or at a swish place with 3 courses + wine. Are they eating out twice a week and once at her place. I tend to agree the person who invites someone someone should expect to pay (nice gesture though if its shared). Its pretty obvious that's her take on it and she might never set up dates to avoid it. If this is irking the OP, he could just invite her out to dinner less then. or avoid expense restaurants. I think if there is a earning imbalance between the couples that also needs to get taken into account. If one is way out in front earnings wise they should be the more generous imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 OP, have you tried... you know, talking to her about it? Link to post Share on other sites
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