Distant girlfriend too afraid to break my heart?

[Dziggy55]

For a little over a week now my girlfriend has been acting very distant. It started when we started school in different colleges last week. She never contacts me first and when she does its one worded and cold. She also always had an excuse up her sleeve to not talk to me. I let this go on for a week thinking she was just stressed out of her mind and it would get better soon.

 

Last night, I decided to see if any one else I knew was getting through to her so I texted her best friend. Turns out that she noticed it too. She said she had been acting "different". When we started comparing what we had been told by my girlfriend we both noticed that at least one of us was lied to as to why she didn't come home this weekend like she was supposed to. Her friend then told me that she knows that I love her and I needed to talk to her before things got out of hand with this strange behavior.

 

This morning I texted my girlfriend that we needed to talk and to call me. At this point it had been over 24 hours since I heard from her, the first time in our 18 month relationship. Two hours went by and I couldn't take it anymore and I called her myself. She didn't pick up but I received a text saying she had just woken up. She then called me two minutes later.

 

I didn't want to start a huge fight right away and so I tried to hold a normal conversation. When I asked how her day was yesterday, her answer seemed very lackluster considering she told me that she went to Cedar Point, a place she has always wanted to go to but has never been to. (Her friend told me that she was in school for mandatory meetings yesterday so I don't know what the truth is). I also asked if I was going to see her soon and she told me "maybe on Saturday". Before I really got to talk much more to her she told me that she was tired and wanted to go back to sleep and I let her. Before she hung up I told her to call me back when she could and she said okay but in a way like "okay, jeez, I will". I told her I loved her and she said "You too". She texted me later that she would be coming home today because her grandmother was put into the hospital. I told her to be careful on her way home and if she needed anything that I would be here. This was about 5 hours ago and I haven't heard anything since. Had this happened two weeks ago she would have been giving me constant updates.

 

I feel that she wants to end our relationship, but she's too afraid to break my heart or she hasn't completely thought things through yet and hasn't made up her mind. I don't want lose her so until she breaks up with me I'm assuming we are still together. She's such a sweet girl, she really is and I feel like she feels guilty that she feels this way and doesn't want to let me down. Anyone have any input?

[TearyEyedPride]

Well... she's definitely distant and honestly you can feel the shift in your relationship already. If she's not willing to talk to you, or change things... how will your relationship continue? Regardless of how sweet she is, how does this make you feel? Honestly, I can't say for certain what she's thinking, but her actions do raise questionable motives. A serious conversation is needed. Love yourself enough to say the right things and make the right decision.

[Dziggy55]

I just don't get what happened. 10 days ago she was in tears making me promise her that college wouldn't tear us apart. I'm trying my hardest to not let that happen. She just has gone and done a complete 180 on me and I just don't understand. I agree that I have to have a serious talk with her. Getting her just to talk to me long enough to have it though seems like its going to be a challenge. I keep thinking about what I need to say to her. I don't know if she came home or not but I don't think I'm going to hear from her today. I'll give her some time to be with her grandmother (if that's where she is).

[Dziggy55]

Last night I received a call from my girlfriend. I picked up the phone ready to confront her about her behavior and what happened next caught me completely off guard. She was suddenly herself again. The girl I fell in love with. At the time I forgot about everything that happened over the past week. We had a pleasant conversation with each other for about 15 minutes. At the end I told her to sleep well and that I loved her. She said "I love you too" but unlike earlier that morning it sounded like that she meant it.

 

I am still really confused about all this. I told her friend about this and she advised me to still talk about her behavior at some point. For now I take it as a sign of hope, but I'm still on my toes and prepared for the worst to happen. Anyone have any thoughts?

[Standard-Fare]

The start of college is a chaotic time, and sometimes depression/homesickness can set in (confusingly combined with the excitement of launching a new lifestyle). She's probably overwhelmed with all the changes and going through some ups and downs in her moods.

 

And unfortunately you just can't expect your relationship to continue in the same way it has. You two are in different places, experiencing different things. Being in constant contact and expecting too much of each other will be stifling and oppressive for both of you.

 

You need to develop a "new normal" for your relationship if you're going to survive. If the relationship starts to feel like a burden and a chore, it will fail. It needs to be something that allows room for both of you to grow.

[Dziggy55]

 

You need to develop a "new normal" for your relationship if you're going to survive. If the relationship starts to feel like a burden and a chore, it will fail. It needs to be something that allows room for both of you to grow.

 

I guess I was just shell shocked at how little we talking to each other. We used to be in constant contact but it was because it was much easier for us when nothing was really happening especially in the summer.

 

I guess we should still sit down and come up with a plan that works for both of us. She is only half an hour away from me so I guess I didn't really think of it LDR and I still don't but this probably caused me to think that it would be easier to keep the relationship going than it has been so far. I think if we talk, we can make it work.

[Standard-Fare]

I was in a relationship when I entered college, and all I remember from my freshman year was the stress and anxiety of trying to maintain that relationship.

 

I didn't really have any fun that year, like I saw my peers doing. It was all about when the next phone call would be, when's the next time we're both on IM, which weekends would we spend with each other. And fights about our differing expectations on that. Meanwhile, I didn't really make any new friends or experience many new things.

 

Even if you're close to each other distance-wise, there's going to be the risk of that. I think it's best to give the relationship some breathing room. Don't be in each other's faces all the time. Try to trust each other and not feel threatened by each other's new experiences.

[lauri]

Hey dude...

 

OK I just wanna point out some things. By you reaching out to her best friend, it probably didn't help the situation. Her best friend 100% knows things but wouldn't tell you and will relay things to her friend afterwards. You should keep things internal between you and your girlfriend.

 

Want to know my suggestion? Back off completely. Make her feel like she's losing you because you won't stand for her backing off and not communicating with you. She's definitely losing interest in you (by the sounds of things) but good news is you may have enough time to fix it. If you back off and she doesn't seem to care / try to win you back, then chances are you are already on your way out and you should be the one to pull the trigger and break up with her.

 

I just notice a lot of your actions similar to mine...I feel like if you do back off, it'll give you a lot of answers.

[Dziggy55]

I just notice a lot of your actions similar to mine...I feel like if you do back off, it'll give you a lot of answers.

Seems as though you had a similar experience. Is this what you did about it? If so, how did it turn out?

[lauri]

Seems as though you had a similar experience. Is this what you did about it? If so, how did it turn out?

 

I tried fighting for her, talking to her family and all it did was push her away. My story is pretty messed up (you can read my threads if you would like to hear it) but by contacting her and questioning her, it tends to push the girl further away and turns her off. Best thing to do is back off and stay busy. She may be done with you, you never know until you back off and give her the space. You need to let her come to you.

[Dziggy55]

Well she just sent me a picture of herself and I couldn't help but laugh at the inside joke she was referencing. She then asked if we wanted to watch our T.V. show that comes back on this Sunday together (through Skype). Still don't know what got in her. She's probably just so busy. I just have to accept that. I'm so glad I didn't confront her last night. That just might have doomed our relationship.

[mightycpa]

I texted her best friend. Turns out that she noticed it too. She said she had been acting "different". When we started comparing what we had been told by my girlfriend we both noticed that at least one of us was lied to as to why she didn't come home this weekend like she was supposed to.

 

Her friend knows two things. She knows what's going on, and she knows it is not her place to tell you.

 

Listen to this:

 

Her friend then told me that she knows that I love her and I needed to talk to her before things got out of hand with this strange behavior.

She didn't say "I know Matilda loves you..." She said, "I know you love Matilda, and you need to talk to her..."

 

Let me repeat: her friend knows two things. She knows what's going on, and she knows it is not her place to tell you.

 

Now, this update where the GF has gone back "to normal". I think that's not going to last too long. My guess is that she is going to try to get you to break up with her, or at least bring up the subject. Your head will spin at how fast she agrees to a break, or breakup or whatever.

 

I can help you try to see things from her point of view. Look around. You are surrounded by thousands of bright, capable, single people your own age. Roughly half of them are of the opposite sex, and almost every one of them is unsupervised for the first time in their lives. I'm sure you've noticed at least a few really nice looking girls. You might even have a couple in your classes. There is a lot of new sex being had right now, it is all around you. It will become hard to ignore. I'm pretty sure she's noticed it, and noticed a few guys too. It will probably only get worse.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. Either way, good luck.

[Dziggy55]

I highly doubt that she's having sex with another guy. She has always been very proud of her vow of abstinence and she wouldn't break that. She also has very strong views when it comes to cheating. Even if she were losing interest in me she would break it off with me before running off with another guy and I completely trust her when it comes to that.

 

With that said I still have my doubts as far as her feelings towards me. I've told her good morning every morning since we got here (actually every morning since we've been together now that I think about it). I'm not going to this morning. I'm not going to contact her until she contacts me or its so long that it's clear she has no interest at all in keeping our relationship going. My only concern is that I don't know how long that is. Any thoughts?

[lauri]

I highly doubt that she's having sex with another guy. She has always been very proud of her vow of abstinence and she wouldn't break that. She also has very strong views when it comes to cheating. Even if she were losing interest in me she would break it off with me before running off with another guy and I completely trust her when it comes to that.

 

With that said I still have my doubts as far as her feelings towards me. I've told her good morning every morning since we got here (actually every morning since we've been together now that I think about it). I'm not going to this morning. I'm not going to contact her until she contacts me or its so long that it's clear she has no interest at all in keeping our relationship going. My only concern is that I don't know how long that is. Any thoughts?

 

Like I've said in previous posts, you may be already on your way out. She is thinking of how to break up with you and is trying to find a way to slowly break it to you / get you to do it for her. She is sending you mixed signals..but one thing I know is mixed signals means she is losing interest and probably doesn't understand why she is. I'm not saying that she wants to, its just that it happens naturally and essentially it is up to you to maintain that interest / make it grow again.

 

You need to back off. Let her be the one to message you first always...show self-control and start to prepare yourself for a breakup. If after an extended period of time she is still cold / not interested in you, make it clear to her that you can see the writing on the wall and appreciate all the time you two have spent together, but you aren't willing to have your time wasted and wish her all the best.

[Dziggy55]

So it didn't take long before she contacted me after I didn't say good morning. She told me that she was having a bad morning because her printer broke and wasted a whole cartridge of ink. I told her I felt sorry for her and that I hoped it would be fixed quickly. I then told her of my mishap that I had this morning and all she had to say was "aw". That's the last I've heard from her.

 

In the time since then I made a discovery on my snapchat. She made a snapchat story last night after she randomly just stopped texting me. In the story was a video of a lava lamp. Over the video she typed "What great company #lonely" Is there any meaning behind this or am I reading too much into this?

[pteromom]

You are reading too much into it. You both have a lot of adjusting to do. If your relationship is going to survive, you need to relax, quit analyzing everything she says and does, and trust that she will tell you if something changes for her.

 

You gotta be there for her, but also let go of expectations as you get used to your new lives. Don't play games or be suspicious every time something unusual happens. This is a new life for her... of COURSE she isn't going to act exactly the same.

[Natsu21]

So it didn't take long before she contacted me after I didn't say good morning. She told me that she was having a bad morning because her printer broke and wasted a whole cartridge of ink. I told her I felt sorry for her and that I hoped it would be fixed quickly. I then told her of my mishap that I had this morning and all she had to say was "aw". That's the last I've heard from her.

 

In the time since then I made a discovery on my snapchat. She made a snapchat story last night after she randomly just stopped texting me. In the story was a video of a lava lamp. Over the video she typed "What great company #lonely" Is there any meaning behind this or am I reading too much into this?

 

I'm not one to be empathetic. I'm kinda a blunt person. So if I don't seem compassionate, I'm sorry.

 

She hashtagged the word "Lonely" I think that's a sign that she is focused on someone else who doesn't notice her and you're out of the picture.

 

She's in college. Imma tell you one thing about college. It's a cess pool of guys hitting on the most new freshmen they can see. Your girlfriend isn't safe, and with all the new temptation out there, it'll only be a matter of time...if she hasn't already.

 

If you want to work on your relationship, give her space, but if you want my honest opinion, she's slowly breaking up with you, kid.

 

Not sure if it's because of someone else or she feels that being in a long distance relationship would impede her college experience, but one thing I can tell is that you're no longer one of her priorities.

 

That in itself is more than enough reason to walk, because I doubt that's going to change. The true end to a relationship isn't when people fight, it's when people stop fighting.

[Dziggy55]

Well it has been nearly two weeks since I've been on here and so much has happened since then my head is spinning.

 

A couple days after my last post my gf came to see me. At first it was nice and things seemed fine. Then all of a sudden there was a silence and she started crying. We had a long discussion with each other. She told me that she wanted things to work between us so badly but they just weren't and it would only get harder the more we get involved with in school. I realized that though it sucked she was right. We both decided that we should go our separate ways at least for now. If we are really meant to be together it will be. The last thing she told me that day was that she loved me and wished me the best of luck. I wished her the same.

 

At first I was actually doing better than I thought I would. I made new friends and went to a few parties and was having a good time. Then last Saturday out of nowhere my now ex calls me and was in tears. I asked her what was wrong. At first she wouldn't tell me, but eventually she told me that it was her first time being home since college started and that it made her realize that she really missed me. I told her that I missed her too but that getting back together right now is probably not a good idea. We ended up talking for an hour.

 

She called me again tonight telling me that a family member of hers was just diagnosed with cancer. She was in tears the whole time again.

 

My question I guess is why is she doing this. Does she really miss me? Or is she just using me as an emotional crutch? And also, what should I do about it?

[mightycpa]

I hate to say I told you so...but this was very predictable.

 

Right now, she wants the best of both worlds... you are the emotional crutch, the one she's close to and upon whose shoulder she can cry... you understand her. She probably does miss you, because she is used to talking to you and being understood.

 

The guy(s) at her school? They don't understand her nearly as good as you do, but they are the ones who get to bone her after she feels better unloading on you.

 

The only real question is how much of that you want to watch and hear about in the near future.

[Phenomena]

We obviously do not really have any facts here so I'm going to just assume a few things.

I don't know her but it sounds like she actually is not as sad as you might think.

 

You're at college just like her, so why are you able to deal with this while she's neglecting you? Try to think about that. She's a girl, sure, does that mean she finds it harder to deal with all this?

 

To me it sounds like she is actually having a very good time at college, without you. She might have made a few male friends that she likes being around with at college and sadly this is very normal for girls at college. Most girls who go into college while being in a relationship start caring less about the guy they have been for and start looking at the pool of good looking guys in front of them which they could spend every day with if just their bf was not there.

I think she's doing just fine at college as I said, probably with other guy(s). The thing is that she is sad only when she talks to you. Because she knows what she is doing or thinking is wrong she starts to feel guilty/annoyed when talking to you. That's why her mood jumps sometimes and she starts being nice. Because she passively tells herself that she's still a good girl because she's giving her old 'dog' a treat once in a while which you apparently appreciate.

 

Finally, she obviously calls you because you're the only one she can cry to. Why would she call guys she knows at college, the one's she has to act cute/sexy in front of and keep that image, when she can use her old 'buddy' who she can easily ignore again after she's done crying her eyes out.

 

If you're any good looking try to start dating asap and forget her. You don't want to stick around until she 'surprises' you (yeah, "surprise") with the fact a few days after she cried she suddenly found a boyfriend.