beach Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 That is where I am at right now. Standing my ground and explaining my point of view using logic and reason. Not letting her manipulate her way... She pulled the health & stress card and blames me for her health problems now, because you see, I am causing her stress for not being able to see her side... She just seems mean and cruel. IF she's getting sick over a stupid house - that's ONLY on her. IF she demands a house of a certain caliber then she can earn her own separate money and buy it herself. At this point with her acting like such a spoiled brat I'd be tempted to tell her you've decided not to move at all. She wants to be bratty - give her nothing. Ungrateful people are unhappy people. You can't fix that for her.
todreaminblue Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 (edited) I haven't really dealt with this sort of problem i am not married......but i do remember when i was with my ex, i wanted to live near the water......i didn't care if it was a place that needed tlc i just wanted to be near the water......i had my heart set on it.......i spent hours searching.....and when he came home from work i showed him the places.....i was so excited........the homes needed serious love......and they were right on the water....way out of our price range....... how my ex compromised....was gently.....he explained to me he understood how my heart was set on the water......but if we moved there......there wouldn't be money for anything else....no weekend outings or picnics....we wouldn't be able to afford the blanket to sit on......he also said to me that every weekend we could go to the water his mum lived right near the water so we could go see his mum and then take the kids to the beach and even though i was really disappointed i couldn't have my dream.......his rationale was spot on......his manner was gentle........and we went to the beach every weekend and even had money for ice creams......and a hydrofoil ride on occasion for all of us......those times were the best times.......:bunny: we arent together anymore but i remember that particular compromise and those good times fondly......i now live a walk away from the pier and the water.......but .....unfortunately theres no hydrofoil here and the ice cream doesnt taste the same...my children have all grown up and for some silly reason they dont find ice cream near the water cool anymore............. theres good and bad to every decision.....there's going to be things that need to be sacrificed for the greater good..... but the most important thing is to realise no matter the compromise, no matter the position or suburb that you live in....your marriage is the most important...more important than your job........and more important than her having a big kitchen....that needs to come first...you both need to work at it......cant be one more than the other giving or taking.....it has to be mutal decisions that benefit your relationship too...i wish you well and good luck...happy house hunting........deb Edited September 4, 2014 by todreaminblue
Turtles Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Sounds like my ex wife... We moved half way across the country into a much bigger house than what we needed to "compromise" and make her happy... didn't work and we divorced less than a year after moving when I realize NOTHING I could do would make her happy and I can NOT be the one responsible for another person's entire happiness - that is within themselves to find... she AND I are both MUCH happier now. My advice would be do NOT move until you resolve your communication issues... silent treatment is NOT an effective, mature communication tool... Do not buy a large house UNTIL you 2 figure that out because you will be stuck with it in the divorce a few months / years from now.
Got it Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 Is there no market in an area that is a compromise on the distance to work? You are saying 10-60 miles. What is at the 20ish mark? I am not saying you have to fully concede but that might be a reasonable compromise. But there has to be a give and take and where the priorities stand. Now I do take offense by those poo pooing the wife since "she isn't the breadwinner". I don't think that is fair and I am, I guess, the breadwinner as I make more. Both should be taken into account. But if you don't feel she is bending then I would stand my ground because now it is a matter of principle. We all have to have give or take, we are in a much bigger house than I would want, but my husband loves it and I love the kitchen and big backyard. We compromise. But it takes both parties. Sorry you guys are fighting. I would task a realtor with your requirements and see what comes up! They might surprise even both of you.
Author gkfluffs Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 Well, she apologized for her behavior , said that what she wanted was unreasonable, explained that she was blinded by her feelings of wanting a perfect house. 1
CarrieT Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Man-o-man, is she ever setting you up for failure! There *IS* no perfect house! There will always be something wrong and something more to buy or strive for... Look, I got married last year to a man with children (50%) who is in a rental. Frankly, I hate, hate, hate the house. Bad Feng Shui, crappy kitchen, a dead garden... But it is what we have right now. And to make it more palatable, I have helped his kids paint their walls, I've added art, and filled it with flowers. They know I hate the house, but to them it is SO MUCH BETTER because it is filled with love. This is the critical part: happiness and joy is in the relationship - not in the "things" and you toe have to get to that point in your compromise. Make the home a happy place, and it will the Perfect House.
carhill Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Well, she apologized for her behavior , said that what she wanted was unreasonable, explained that she was blinded by her feelings of wanting a perfect house. Is this significant, or part of a pattern?
Author gkfluffs Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 Is this significant, or part of a pattern? She is getting better at it. Over this year we had a couple of arguments where I was clearly more reasonable, she was able to admit it and apologized. So to me, it looks like she is growing.
carhill Posted September 7, 2014 Posted September 7, 2014 Is the pattern apology, quiet period then ramping up again? Are similar issues routinely revisited, apparently without lasting resolution?
Author gkfluffs Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 But it is what we have right now. And to make it more palatable, I have helped his kids paint their walls, I've added art, and filled it with flowers. They know I hate the house, but to them it is SO MUCH BETTER because it is filled with love. I agree it is very important to learn to deeply enjoy what you already have. Well my wife does a lot for the house and for our family she is always trying to make things better with what we have and what we can afford, but once in a while we just have these very frustrating arguments that we fight over, and sometimes they don't make any sense to me and it is really hard to emphasize and understand. I changed my ways though, I speak up and stay my ground and it does look like it is paying off. I used to be afraid of confrontation and did not like to shake the boat, which lead to resentment on my side.
Author gkfluffs Posted September 7, 2014 Author Posted September 7, 2014 Is the pattern apology, quiet period then ramping up again? Are similar issues routinely revisited, apparently without lasting resolution? I am not sure yet if this particular issue will surface again, but right now I am under impression that it is resolved and will not be revisited. A couple of things that we argued about before and came to resolution have not yet been surfaced again.
Got it Posted September 10, 2014 Posted September 10, 2014 I think that is a very good sign! I think the next piece is discovering that your family's "perfect house" can be in the market you need. And as another poster wrote, perfect really doesn't exist. My husband LOVES our new house, was the house he definitely wanted, but he wouldn't say it is perfect. Maybe if one built their own you would have a better chance but I doubt it. There is always something that requires a compromise including budget.
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