leonaona Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 (edited) Okay. This is most likely gonna be a long read since I have many many thoughts i need to put here, since, if somebody is willing to offer me perspective here they need to have everything on the table. So. A little background about this whole story. I'm a 17yearold girl from 2nd world country, he's a 18yearold guy form a 1st world country(you will see later why 1. and 2. matter here). We met on a chatting site in April, and i still remember the moment, how he turned his head towards me and i was like, ****. And we started talking. Talked talked talked, talked 3-4 hrs straight. We had to go to sleep since we both had school next day, so that was it. I gave him my skype(first time i gave someone my contact details online). So fast forward a week later, i contact him "hey are you there maybe? :)", he responded a day later. So we talked, this time 7 hrs? or so and he said he's been trying to find me on Google and all these sites and was honestly a bit hurt because I haven't contacted him. This was spring break this year, around April. So we talked every day, all day basically, 8 hrs, 10 hrs, 12 hrs, basically no break. And these talks, wow, i couldn't believe how similar we are, how we have similar goals, beliefs, even experiences and how we understood each other. It hasn't even stopped that fast, even after spring break when our school started we talked a lot, like all night, even on school nights(yes no sleep before school, yeey). My grades dropped, he failed a whole class, our obsession with each other was, well, high, to say the least. He was the first person I would talk to in the morning and the last person i would talk to before sleep. Things haven't even been sexual, it's not like I've been giving him camshows so he stuck it up with me or something. But then, haha, in june, we decided to talk first time over phone. My goodness, we giggled like little kids and our call was like 2 mins long, but felt like a second. Next call was a bit longer, 30 mins. Next call? Well. We talked during night and things got a bit, intimate, haha, we had phone sex for like 4 hrs? Amazing, i thought. It later turned into a habit, talking all night, having deep convos, having sex(he even said he can't watch porn anymore). These things he told me(i was repulsive at first but later i thought it myself) like us two dying together, being the perfect couple, it seriously went deep under my skin and we both saw each other living together when we start uni in 2015. I was so damn happy. My goodness. First time in my life i felt connected to someone, cared for, loved. Wonderful. And if you knew anything about my past(i will just mention being bullied for almost whole my life in this way or another, having the „typical narcissistic mom“, sexual traumas) and my future(sex industry so i can earn money to get out of my corrupt country) I can tell you this was a ****ing drastic change and i felt i was on top of the world, despite the fact not much changed in my life. So fast forward to July, he went to vacation in a foreign country. 2-3 days into his vacation, he figured it sucked and he said he was basically ready to jump in a cab and go on a plane, but figured he just might ask me next day since the cab only would cost him 100 eur(+ticked one way 400 and other 400 as well). He said that if it all were under 1000 eur he would go. I was pretty sick then so i told him to stay with his friends(which were btw not so happy by his wish to go away as far as i've seen). Fast forward August, I had an empty house. He had money. He wanted to come for a week. At first i was like, no, no way, i don't look good enough, I'm not mentally prepared, let's meet in October. But after some time, something changed in me, and i said yes. Yes, come. He booked a ticket and 24 hrs after my parents were off to the coastline he was supposed to be in front of my door. Yes, i invited a guy from the internet into my house, don't tell me I'm an idiot haha(actually 2 hrs before he was supposed to be in my house i was basically crying because i was thinking he could've been a psycho). Fast forward 8 pm, Thursday. „Come out“. I was omg so scared an nervous. He comes out of the cab, hm I see he's nervous as well, comes into my house. The convos we have are pretty funny when i remember it now, both nervous as ****, I'm scared because he's ****ing tall (I'm 5,3) but overall we talk and talk. Talk for, pfft idk, until 3 am, on my carpet on the floor, on the table. Then, you know, we get sleepy and he asks, hey, wanna sleep together? Like, we don't have to do anything, just sleep(he was convinced we will be sleeping together the first night). I was like, idk..He got a bit sad, i could tell. I offered him to sleep on my parents bed(same floor as my room) but he refused and said he was gonna sleep on the couch downstairs. I turned the couch in the bed so he stayed there. Fast forward 4 am. I am in my bed. Jesus f Christ what am i doing in my bed now, I've been talking to this guy for every single day for 4 months. I come downstairs, he's asleep. I just observed him for like 5 mins lying next to him, then i kissed his cheek, his forehead, slowly, carefully. He hugged me at one moment, but i saw he was still asleep. Then i kissed his lips, he woke up, we started making out. Things escalated pretty fast and we ended up having sex on and off until 11 am. Yes i know. I was his first, and although i technically have had sexual experiences in the past, i considered him my first. The next few days have been filled with all kinds of activities, both sexual and fun. But. You see, me being a pessimist in nature and having all kinds of stuff in my head i have to deal with(both past and future) I'm prone to depressive outbursts. Like, i just need one bad push and my mood goes down pretty badly. Im talking about 1 hr crying outbursts. I've had 4 of these during his stay. Yes I'm an idiot, i know, but i kinda felt, you know, i can show my feelings to him. He was supportive, dont get me wrong, he held me and kissed me and tapped my hair and done all these things but i get the feeling he was just as shaken up as i was. He drank aspirin after. On the other hand, i've seen it has taken a toll on him and i tried to make him feel better, please him, both emotionally and sexually, and i've seen that after every single one of these things have gotten better, we usually ended up drinking and doing something fun after. Overall, this whole experience was just, intense. He had to go, I knew it was gonna hit me bad(these were mostly reasons which triggered my depressive outbursts). I kept it together until i came home, but then, Jesus. I couldn't stop crying and him not sending any messages until 22 pm didn't help much. I knew I'm gonna see him in October(he even bookmarked apartments just 2 days before he left) but i missed him pretty badly. We talked on the phone, i still cried a a bit but hearing from him helped so i was better. Day after i was like **** **** ****, since i saw a package of one of these condoms we used. It said „not for contraception“. I'm like. No. NO!!! I sent him a pic, he seemed to have taken it not to seriously and told me the chances are slim. I agreed, let's wait for 2 days and then I'll start panicking, i thought. He also told me his whole town is asking about me, but he said idgaf as well. The next day he went to sleep pretty early, considering we went at 3,4 am. I was like, okayyy. Then i've seen „last checked at 1:15“ on wassup. I was like, what? Why would you lie? I mean i'm okay if he has some other stuff to do, but why lying? I confronted him the next day after he ignored me for like half of the day(which he has never done before). I already got a really bad feeling about this one. He saw my messages and hasn't responded. Then i suddenly got a really long text(I haven't seen him typing) and the i still remember how the first thing i saw was „You leave me alone, I leave you alone. I'm glad we met.“ My god i almost fainted. I read the whole text message and i couldn't even think properly. I felt like puking and i just screamed „NOOOO!“ and started crying so badly(this was like 10 times worse comparing to my usual outbursts) and i screamed into the pillow so nobody hears this and i just typed „omg“ „why“ „jesus“ „why would you do this“ I read the text message like 10 times and felt like i was being torn apart since i never saw it coming and the reasons were: a) you must've known about the condom b) I'm not ready for commitment c) i already questioned if i love you(WHUT WHERE DID THIS ONE COME FROM?) and i wanna be free, not worry about anyone and stuff like this. I couldn't believe it. I told him to call me and tell it all over phone. He said okay. So we talked like 2 hrs and he said he doesn't want to make compromises for me, has lost deep feelings for me, can't handle my emotions, can't handle the pressure he has been having in his home town+i'm verbally out dominating him. „We have no potential“ „I don't want it“. I was like my goodness, why did you brainwash me all this time, are you ****ing insane?? Why talk about marriage and kids(yes i do know it's too early for sure, but he did seem like marriage material tbh) and create a whole pic of us two being super happy together to crash it in my face like this? It created a HUGE conflict in my head. I became, basically, suicidal. I never felt like this, nothing and nobody has ever made me feel like this. And i sure did have a fair amount of **** in life to deal with. Thankfully, my friend called and told me to get a cab and go to her immediately since she saw the **** was serious. I stayed at her place for 2 days since i couldn't stand the house anymore, too many memories. I couldn't eat or sleep for good 5 days. I lost 3 kg, fell to 47 at the lowest point. I remember the first night i woke up at 3 am and thought he was still here, sleeping next to me and i asked him to turn on the lights only to realize that......Jesus, i can't explain how I felt at that moment. I came back and basically the whole week after has been full of ups and downs, from crying to working like a maniac to reexamine my whole life and choices in the future. I turned everything around in my head and i was basically feeling pretty well on Friday, a week after. Then. He contacted me. I never told him but damn, i jumped in the air. Yes it's silly i know but i was so happy. We talked a bit(pretty blank talking) but he said in the first ten minutes, when i asked him why did he contact me after being clear that i need to gtfo out of his life, he said, well, „i thought and i know i said we had no potential, but the truth is we do but just this long distance thing seems like a huge risk since we're not even sure we'll get to be with each other, holding on to it for now seems risky for both parties since we both have stuff to deal on our own and talking to each other is a distraction and it could lead us not only to never seeing each other but also ****ing up our futures, but i do wanna talk“ something like this. Later we talked a bit more and i got to see his perspective on things. He said he has to deal with comments like „he has to go to _my country_ to get laid“ „you should just drop your friends and go to holidays alone forever“ , annoying daily comments from family and staring in the streets. I was like, why wouldn't you tell me this? „I didn't wanna appear weak, and i don't like moaning“. Condom thing? His dad asked if he was becoming a dad, then later he was on the bus with his boss, who asked if he had sex then said that I must've wanted to get pregnant so i could move to his country. Then he came home, bam, my text for the warning on condom package. He said he almost puked and later made the realization how easily influenced he is. I wrote him a 7 page letter and he wrote me one back, he seems to be putting an effort into resolving all this and has told himself that his factors are easily solvable by talking. But. Here's what's the problem here. You see, I wrote this long story because i wanted you to see the whole thing, from the beginning to this day and see where the conflict is. I do have feelings for the guy, unfortunately for me. I do love the guy, still. Not as much as i used to, but i do care. However, providing we do manage to get together in the same place(which technically is a real possibility) I'm not really sure how I'll treat him. You see, i'm not a person who easily forgives and forgets. I told him i forgive him because he told me what kind of a mess he had in his head and all the reasons that lead to this and his final conclusion makes perfect sense, holding on tightly to something which might fall apart when we have lives to build(both broke and starting unies next year) is not really smart. I know. Yet, i can't seem to put an end to the mess in my head. I really don't know how to forget a thing like this. I understand what lead to all this and i understand his problems are easily solvable but there is one bigger problem on my side. I'm not a forgive and forget person. Yet, i still think about all these moments we had and I remember how happy i was with him. See the conflict? Thank you for reading and thank you in advance if you have some helpful advice. Edited August 31, 2014 by leonaona Forgot a word in title.
FitChick Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Care to summarize into a few sentences? I just read the first couple of paragraphs. You are too young and live in separate countries. Unless one of you can get a student visa to the other country, this will end badly.
justwhoiam Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 Hi, My comments here below. 1) You need to control yourself, as your whole post is way overboard in every single line, full of bad words, blasphemies, etc. making it hard to read and even to swallow. Find a balance within yourself. Work on pulling yourself together. 2) Considering point #1, please keep in mind that you might not be the ideal girl to be introduced to parents and family, and that should concern you. 3) Do not give in about sex right away, this is just common sense; although you talked and talked to him from far away, you had just met him. When you meet someone new, you need some time to get to know him. At least a couple of days would have given you some perspective about his feelings AFTER meeting you, not those BEFORE meeting you. You might think they should match, but that's not always the case. That's the primary purpose of meeting: to know if he still feels the same about you, and if he would like to go on with you despite the distance and give it a try. If that's missing, you'd just have a foreign friend, and you have to decide if you can have him as a friend or better go NC. 4) If you really care for him, you must be the best person for him. So missing sleep every night for a whole semester, or leading him to fail in school equals a bad match for him. You should support him so that he can be at his best, and draw back at times. Or just have 2 hours together and then let him go. Show him you're responsible, sensible, serious, and motivated. I know you'd never let him go, but you can't have a healthy life like that. 5) I didn't get it. Is there a chance you a) could visit him? and b) you could go to the same university or attend different universities in the same city? 6) Don't contact him all the time. I don't mean you should get cold with him, but give him the chance to PURSUE YOU. Let his feelings grow naturally. If everything fizzles out, it means he didn't care about you enough. 7) If he doesn't show you he cares for you too, let him go. You'll just hurt yourself bad. And you don't need that.
OnlyHonesty Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 You are unlikely to be ready to hear the truth but just in case. My advice to you, forget about relationships and that guy, work on yourself. You have carried over bad patterns due to a lack of self esteem and you placed too much of your happiness on the guy. Your self worth in terms of how quickly sexual activities escalated is also something to consider. Instead of concerning yourself with relationships, it would be better for you to completely focus on your own mental health, your self esteem and in becoming grounded. Any time you get involved with a man, you will bring with it your over reliance on them as well as your confused self worth. I would suggest you find a councellor or someone you trust to talk about everything with. You should also get a pregnancy test and make sure your health is where it should be. It sounds like you have had a lot of bad experiences and those don't go away, things will only get worse and patterns will continue to repeat themselves until you talk to someone about it.
Author leonaona Posted September 2, 2014 Author Posted September 2, 2014 Hi, My comments here below. 1) You need to control yourself, as your whole post is way overboard in every single line, full of bad words, blasphemies, etc. making it hard to read and even to swallow. Find a balance within yourself. Work on pulling yourself together. 2) Considering point #1, please keep in mind that you might not be the ideal girl to be introduced to parents and family, and that should concern you. 3) Do not give in about sex right away, this is just common sense; although you talked and talked to him from far away, you had just met him. When you meet someone new, you need some time to get to know him. At least a couple of days would have given you some perspective about his feelings AFTER meeting you, not those BEFORE meeting you. You might think they should match, but that's not always the case. That's the primary purpose of meeting: to know if he still feels the same about you, and if he would like to go on with you despite the distance and give it a try. If that's missing, you'd just have a foreign friend, and you have to decide if you can have him as a friend or better go NC. 4) If you really care for him, you must be the best person for him. So missing sleep every night for a whole semester, or leading him to fail in school equals a bad match for him. You should support him so that he can be at his best, and draw back at times. Or just have 2 hours together and then let him go. Show him you're responsible, sensible, serious, and motivated. I know you'd never let him go, but you can't have a healthy life like that. 5) I didn't get it. Is there a chance you a) could visit him? and b) you could go to the same university or attend different universities in the same city? 6) Don't contact him all the time. I don't mean you should get cold with him, but give him the chance to PURSUE YOU. Let his feelings grow naturally. If everything fizzles out, it means he didn't care about you enough. 7) If he doesn't show you he cares for you too, let him go. You'll just hurt yourself bad. And you don't need that. 1) Well, you see, i did write this post while i was emotionally fuled. So everything i wrote was a reflection of how i felt. Don't shame me for it. If yo think blasphemies and cursing are something you should shame people about, then...okay! Your opinion. But try to see it from another perspective, for me it was showing how i felt about, intensifying the effect. Telling someone to „pull herself together“ is telling them to suppress the problem and act what's considered „normal“. You might be thinking this is the right approach, so be it, but i strongly disagree. I'm assured you know about the fact that writing your problems down can help a person deal with these, and that's all I was trying to do. 2) Okay. Now I see we obviously have a difference in worldview. You seem like someone who is conservative and respects social norms and the picture of me in your head(based on that one post) is probably not so appealing. Okay. But please don't make a generalization like that, based on one post. You have basically no way of knowing how i behave around people, how i look and speak and what kind of impression people have of me. I think you would actually be surprised how adjustable i am, if i put my mind to it, that is. But then again, adjusting my thoughts and/or behavior so somebody who I couldn't care less about would like me leads to nowhere. 3) I can't argue this one, although I can say 2 things. First, i did think about it, i didn't jump in bed right away. We talked, i waiited until my mind connected the fact that he was the person i was talking to for the last 4 months, and later got turned on as well. I did make a conscious decision to sleep with him, and i couldn't care less if someone thinks „i'm giving in“ since i do have a right to want it as well myself don't I? It's not just him „wanting“ and me „giving in“. Secondly, considering point 1, we had a week, i sure wasn't gonna waste my time, and i'm damn glad i didn't since, wow, that was really an memorable experience. 4)Absolutely true. But this goes in both directions, and this is what we both agreed on. We need to work on ourselves during this year and then it's reasonable to think we might be able to start again, and this time not collide at some point due to the lack of problem solving skills. 5) b) and no, it's not for him, i like the country, their education system, standards, culture etc etc. He is just another factor, since being alone in a foreign country is not so attractive. 6) What makes you think i do haha? I don't call him or send anything, he's usually the one who sends stuff first. Although i sometimes wish to do so myself, i resist the temptation and go work on something. Everything but the first sentence-true 7) I know, but you see, that's what my question is all about. You and the other person below focused on the problems that are in my head(yes i do appreciate and most of the stuff said here is undeniably true) but my question was...how do I forget his fast change of opinion and inability to think before he acts? He just confessed he has a mental disorder btw which makes these changes in his mood a part of his life and basically all the stuff that happened was a part of that disorder. Which now, makes my question irrelevant, since if he did what he did because of the reasons out of his control, there is nothing to forgive and forget. Yet, then i have to ask myself do i wanna deal with it, considering i have my own stuff to deal with as well. Thank you for your thoughts (btw English is not my first language, so if you think the way i write is not good enough, well....)
Author leonaona Posted September 2, 2014 Author Posted September 2, 2014 (edited) You are unlikely to be ready to hear the truth but just in case. My advice to you, forget about relationships and that guy, work on yourself. You have carried over bad patterns due to a lack of self esteem and you placed too much of your happiness on the guy. Your self worth in terms of how quickly sexual activities escalated is also something to consider. Instead of concerning yourself with relationships, it would be better for you to completely focus on your own mental health, your self esteem and in becoming grounded. Any time you get involved with a man, you will bring with it your over reliance on them as well as your confused self worth. I would suggest you find a councellor or someone you trust to talk about everything with. You should also get a pregnancy test and make sure your health is where it should be. It sounds like you have had a lot of bad experiences and those don't go away, things will only get worse and patterns will continue to repeat themselves until you talk to someone about it. Well, in the firs paragraph you just said something that i figured myself as well. I do need to work on myself and get rid of the bad patterns and I shouldn't be placing my happiness on that guy, or anymore else. I know. Yet, it somehow happened and the fact i had a bad reaction after he left(doesn't matter that he came back) made me realize a lot of stuff and it was basically like someone slammed all my past problems right in my face. But you see, somehow, being with him DID lift my self esteem and did help me deal with all the same problems i still do have in life. I actually had more energy and courage to face some issues that i suppressed before he came. How? Why? I have no idea. But it did escalate, you know, first it was working on it with his support but later it became ignoring it and only focusing on him. Hey, don't blame me, it is an easy way out, progressing is fulfilling but you have to work on it. Closing your eyes is an option which will instantly make you happy. In the short run, i know. About self worth. Okay this one is tricky since, in my head, there are 2 options you probably meant by this. Option A: „you don't respect yourself enough and gave the guy have his way with you“. If this is the case i would like to tell you to look at the point 3 i made in the previous post. Option B is what i found after some research, and it showed a correlation between validation(in this case by sex) and low self esteem. While I'm 100% certain that my previous high risk behavior was exactly that(I slept around until someone kinda..destroyed me, to say the least) I'm almost certain that my decision to sleep with him was not that. I thought about it a lot, even before he came, he was not pushy or anything. Actually the opposite. Well me concerning myself with relationships is exactly what made me realize how many problems i really have. I do have people to talk to, but these people are not experienced, educated health care professionals. You may ask, „what are you waiting?“. Well, the thing is, these things cost, and paying 40 USD(converted form my currency) per hour is not something i can't afford. The other option is public mental health care system. I will just say, i personally know people who went in, and honestly, never got out. It's far from helpful and it's easily traceable, I don't want it to ruin my future. Thank you for input Edited September 2, 2014 by leonaona can-can't
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Being a bit older and gone through a few relationships, I and along with many would say calm down and live life as you did before you met. You both should enjoy each other but keep up with what you have in life. Sure you both will have desires running about in your thoughts for the both of you. Being young does that as responsibilities are limited by home status for the both of you. You both think everything is complete between the both of you and can't get any better or more serious. Well there is a lot going on as the both of you are still developing, physically and emotionally. I never had a young crush, never fully developed until mid twenties. So I feel I missed out on that. After living life in a few bad relationships, I all but gave up on the teen age crush and freedom to let love be the only thing that matters. Well, I found what you feel now and am sharing it as well in my relationship. We both are old enough to know better as it will interfere with our lives. Making the life we know into a gooey mess. You both need to be strong, and find control, believe you can get by knowing the other is at your side when obviously your apart. Take time away in segments to get use to having extended time away. To assist with the hunger, I keep notes and make recordings of places I have been that I want to share with. It is as close as being there with the other, as you are taking them with you. Eventually simple thoughts are enough to get by until you meet again. I think having too much time when starting out as you have done, allowed the both of you to get spoiled rotten with your relationship. You both know you have each other and want every minute you can, and will allow it. Putting your foot down to say Monday through Friday will be limited to 2 hours of contact. Will allow you to still share as you would. Weekends are open for no more than 6 hours. You will find that it is not as hard as you thought and allow growth. Again there will be a lot of growing, as both of you will find differences between you at one point. Not that they are bad, just that is part of changing... learning to accept change will be part of sharing love. If you live too much in loves shadow, you may not grow because you'll be too afraid. You both must allow elbow room and that can only be done by trust in allowing freedoms. Freedoms are personal time for each of you.
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