Girlfriend wants space ..thoughts

[BikerAccnt]

Hi folks,

 

I've been going out with this woman for a bit over 6 mos. now. For the most part they've been quite good. However, it's become clear to me that I have more invested emotionally in the relationship than she. I've fallen for her, quite quite hard. Whereas she has kept her emotional guard up due, I believe, to a bad divorce that went on for 2 years, but still has periods of being sued/dragged to court over petty property issues. This is just for some background.

 

At any rate, about 2 mos. ago we got into a disagreement. I admit I was wrong, and I apologized. She said she needed some space so I gave it to her. After about two days she contacted me and was upset that I didn't "chase" after her. She said If I cared I wouldn't have quit chasing. I told her, and she knows this, that I spent to many years chasing after a previous relationship where I wasn't wanted. And if she says give her space, that's what I'm going to do. I am not going to chase ghosts anymore.

 

Fast forward to this past Tuesday, it happens again. This time, I believe I'm not in the wrong and having feelings that aren't mine put on me; but rather than be right, I choose to be happy and apologize. Wed, and Thurs go by. She doesn't return my calls, texts are replied to with very short choppy answers or not returned at all. I know somethings up. Obviously she's thinking about something.

 

Friday I get a text that says "Sorry I haven't/called text', I just need some me time and...to clean my house. "

 

That's it. no communication other than me to text back saying "Take as much time as you need."

 

Oh, and one other important piece of info to throw into the mix. When I was over on Tuesday before we went out, we were sitting talking and I set up cup down on the table, and sitting there right in front of me was a list. A list of my good points, vs my bad points. From her perspective of course. I don't know about you, but the only time I make those kind of lists is when I am trying to decide a course of action.

 

So my question to everyone (but especially interested in hearing from you women) is how much time/space should I give this? Or should I even? Should I chase her again (as she wanted the first time) or not.

 

My inclination is not to chase and giver her space. Honestly, this time I'm getting rather mad about it. I don't want to live with uncertainty in my relationship. I'm tempted to giver her a week, then talk to her about it. If she can't come to a decision, I'm tempted to make one for her, and walk.

 

I don't know how much patience I have for this kind of stuff anymore, even though I care greatly for her. Oh, and we aren't kids btw, She's 48 and I'm 53.

 

So much for the fun holiday weekend here in the US I had planned for us.

Edited August 31, 2014 by BikerAccnt

[GemmaUK]

She has wanted space twice now so clearly there's more underlying to this than just the arguments.

 

This time though who knows how long 'space' is?

 

Initially I asked for space of a couple of hours to leave work, get my shopping, get home, cook something, relax for a little bit then do the dishes before I was in contact again just to get some head space.

Other times it meant an evening (or what was left of it) to myself when I'd got home at 10pm after working 5 hours overtime to hit my deadlines.

 

Neither of these were acceptable to him for more than about three days and he had no comprehension that I would just sometimes want to do my own thing of an evening after a crazy day. We did text through each day from 6am and often had a call also so I was by no means ignoring him at all.

 

A list of pros and cons?

 

What were they?

 

She is thinking seriously about the relationship but honestly if it were 'all' wrong then a person doesn't need a list of pros and cons to help make their mind up.

[Emilia]

My inclination is not to chase and giver her space. Honestly, this time I'm getting rather mad about it. I don't want to live with uncertainty in my relationship. I'm tempted to giver her a week, then talk to her about it. If she can't come to a decision, I'm tempted to make one for her, and walk.

 

I would just walk, immaturity like that really makes me angry. She is 48, if she hasn't learnt by now how to deal with conflict constructively, she never will. The bad divorce is BS. I noticed that people who prefer to pull back rather than deal with issues always have some excuse about a previous bad relationship. BS. It's about their inability to deal.

 

'Chase'? Seriously? She is going to keep making you prove your love for her? That's a 48 year-old woman not a 20 year-old girl?

[BikerAccnt]

Thanks Gemma

 

She has wanted space twice now so clearly there's more underlying to this than just the arguments.

 

I agree. As I said she went thru a very bitter divorce, that still has remnants around. I think, based on how she treats me, looks at me, etc., that she has fallen hard for me too. I think she's afraid of that. She's afraid of being hurt.

 

 

A list of pros and cons?

 

What were they?

 

Nothing I disagreed with actually. To me, the positive side outweighed the negatives but, that's to me. Everyone feels how they feel and perceives life how they perceive it. None of us has a right to tell someone else that what they feel is wrong.

 

Positives included "loving her unconditionally, emotional, caring, stable..

Negatives included :short (as in I have no patience, I agree), comment on her children (I try not to, but they are adult children who treat her like a bank at times, and I only said anything when she brought up the conversations), keep dirty dishes in the sink, am to structured and schedule oriented...

 

The lists were longer but you get the idea

 

She is thinking seriously about the relationship but honestly if it were 'all' wrong then a person doesn't need a list of pros and cons to help make their mind up.

 

Thanks for that, I know she is seriously thinking about it, as am I at this point. Still, any ideas on how long I should wait till I contact her again. I'm totally out of my element here. I've been divorced once, and split up before. BUT I've never had anyone ask for space before. So I'm not sure what I should do in this instance.

[BikerAccnt]

I

'Chase'? Seriously? She is going to keep making you prove your love for her? That's a 48 year-old woman not a 20 year-old girl?

 

Good point Emilia...very good point. Thanks.

[Gloria25]

I got some questions....

 

When was this divorce over with?

 

When was the last time she was taken to court over issues? Are these issues still ongoing?

 

Did you ever get to chat with her and find out why the divorce happened? If so, how did she respond? Cuz, it DOES take two to tango. And if she answers(ed) with "him, him, it's his fault", then you gotta be careful cuz she won't take responsibility for what went wrong in their marriage.

 

Maybe after you answer these questions I can better gauge how to respond. For now, I can only say that someone coming out of a divorce is gonna need time to adjust. How long? Well, on Sex and the City there was an episode where they were saying it takes half the time of the RL (in this case, her marriage timeframe)...lol.

 

Also, be careful she isn't bringing into your RL what made her marriage fail - cuz again, that's why I asked you if she is aware of her role in the marriage...Cuz, unless people are able to see what the did wrong in a prior RL, they aren't gonna be able to grow and have better RLs.

[BikerAccnt]

@Gloria,

 

The final papers were signed this past October, so about a year. However proceedings started 2 years prior, and they'd been separated since. I only hear her side of course, but they seem to have fought over every little thing.

 

What caused it. Her Ex, cheated on her after 23 years of marriage. Why? I don't know the answer to that one. She's never had anything good to say about him, even in their early stages so, I can't imagine it was a good relationship. I'm sure there's a his side too, but I'll never know it. The only hint I have that more is/was going on, is that her daughter blames her for the divorce. Her son, blames dad...so..who knows.

 

She was willing, she says, to give him a second chance, because she says she didn't want to throw away 23 years, but he chose to stay with the other woman and filed.

 

She was just with her attorney last week and threatened to sue him for contempt because he was withholding necessary signatures to transfer a vehicle. I think that may be the last of outstanding divorce issues from what I understand.

 

She's got a lot of drama in her life. I don't think she necessarily causes it, but it sure is drawn to her.

 

I know it's going to take her a while to adjust, and I can give some time. It's the uncertainty, as I said, I don't like dealing with. I wish she'd just lay her cards on the table.

[Sunfire73]

I think at her age, she is immature. She is so unstable and will not be able to handle a relationship. At the early stages, there should not be any spaces, it should flow naturally, maybe adjust a little, but the attitude she has shown so far is a turn off. She has to resort to wanting to be chased, to me that is passive aggressive, when 2 mature individual can clearly communicate what they want in a relationship. If you are uncertain, then that is not a good sign. She is just playing with your emotions and you just have to start looking for someone else.

[central]

When someone wants space, I show them the airlock.

[Gloria25]

@Gloria,

 

The final papers were signed this past October, so about a year. However proceedings started 2 years prior, and they'd been separated since. I only hear her side of course, but they seem to have fought over every little thing.

 

What caused it. Her Ex, cheated on her after 23 years of marriage. Why? I don't know the answer to that one. She's never had anything good to say about him, even in their early stages so, I can't imagine it was a good relationship. I'm sure there's a his side too, but I'll never know it. The only hint I have that more is/was going on, is that her daughter blames her for the divorce. Her son, blames dad...so..who knows.

 

She was willing, she says, to give him a second chance, because she says she didn't want to throw away 23 years, but he chose to stay with the other woman and filed.

 

She was just with her attorney last week and threatened to sue him for contempt because he was withholding necessary signatures to transfer a vehicle. I think that may be the last of outstanding divorce issues from what I understand.

 

She's got a lot of drama in her life. I don't think she necessarily causes it, but it sure is drawn to her.

 

I know it's going to take her a while to adjust, and I can give some time. It's the uncertainty, as I said, I don't like dealing with. I wish she'd just lay her cards on the table.

 

Well, I can't tell you what to do, but I think you need to get to the bottom of why her husband cheated...Cuz, IMO, there are three types of cheaters: (1) Dogs (2) Men who make a mistake, and (3) Men who are starved and/or abused in their relationships.

 

I mean, you admit she has a lot of drama and hello, a light attracts moths - so it isn't a coincidence that drama surrounds her. And yes, you are right - only her husband, her, and God know the truth of what happened behind closed doors.

 

But like I said, if she won't own up to her role in her divorce, she's gonna drag that same drama into new relationships. Also, October isn't a long time and some people fresh from a divorce (when the papers are ACTUALLY/FINALLY signed) do need some years to adjust.