JBates Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 (edited) Hello everyone. Im having a bit of an issue right now with my girlfriend of 8 months. Things are great between us. I even gave her a commitment promise ring a few weeks ago. At first it was a little hard in the beginning of our relationship because we go to different colleges but we are only 40 minutes apart so we see each other on average twice a week. Sometimes more if one of has us has a little extra gas money. So here's the issue. Before me was my girlfriends very first boyfriend. They dated for two years. We were in the same circle of friends and I remember how abusive he was towards her. Not physically but he would use mind games against her to get his way and 9 out of 10 times he did it by making her cry. One day she had enough. She broke up with him. She changed phone number and removed him on facebook. About a month later mutual friends introduced us and again things are really great. I love showing her that in a relationship she should have a voice too. Kind of like a damsel in distress. Her ex left us alone through most of our relationship until now. A couple weeks ago school started back up and we moved back into our dorms. I heard through mutual friends that her ex decided out of the blue that he wanted to go to college. The college of his choice? My girlfriends college. I was really worried but I have full trust in her. Last weekend we decided to have our first ever "sleepover" at her dorm. While she was in the shower she was letting me play a game on her phone. When out of no where her exs name came across her phone. The message said, "Yeah well tell her that you hate my guts" I feel beyond awful for saying this but I went through their messages. And it broke my heart. Heres what I found out. Shes the one that started talking to him. A couple days before moving into her dorm she found a random book of his. She asked if he wanted it back. He told her no keep it. This is where my hearts starting to break. She asked if he was at his parents house and he said yes. So she decides shes going to go their to drop off this very important book. The next day he texted her and told her that him and his family was happy to see her again. She told him that she was happy to see everyone again and that they needed to do that again in the future. After that it was just them talking about their day. Heres the part that litterslly felt like a knife going through me. A couple of days of them talking he asked her which dorm she was in. She told him. He told her that he had something of hers and asked if it was okay to bring it she said yes. A few hours after that he did the usual of it was nice seeing you. But heres where it gets bad. He added that her grey chair was really comfy. So that means not only did she let him meet her at her dorm but she actually let him into her room. That's killing me to think about. After that again its him asking how her day has went and stuff. Lets forward to his message he sent her while I was on her phone. My girlfriend started this conversation. She started off by telling him that her mom heard they got back together because his best friend saw them together and she didn't like that. And again he said "Yeah well tell her you hate my guts." When she got out of the shower I sat her down and asked if we could talk. I told her everything I knew. Her response wasn't comforting. All she said was I had nothing to worry about and she didnt tell me about it because she knew I would worry. She said that they're new friends and its great because they are not fighting anymore. I told her the reason hes being nice is because I had a feeling he wants her back. She agreed and she said hes just lonely and that she would hook him up with her roommate next week so he'll leave her alone. I told her I wasn't comfortable with him being in her room. She asked if they could stay in contact. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that either. She seemed kind of annoyed because she pulled the you don't trust me card. It took a while but I got her calmed and everything is good again. But I have this gut feeling something bad is about to happen. I cant sleep because of it. Everythings back to normal with her but this gut feeling I have doesn't feel good. It feels like someone is punching me in the gut. Can you guys help me out? Just hearing other people opinions will help me because I honestly cant turn to anyone else Edited August 31, 2014 by JBates
evanescentworld Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 When a person insists on keeping past loves together with present loves, there is no concentration, no commitment. Your relationship is not a done deal, it's an experiment. If she cannot find it within her heart to forsake her last love and consign it to her past, then it will always be part of your present. You are sharing. And that is unjust. It may benefit you to reconsider how serious you expect this relationship to be. Because she may not see this on the same level, to the same intensity as you do. Clearly, with the inclusion of an ex- in her life, whom she admits is more intense in his emotions than she is, she is feeding her own ego at the expense of the feelings of others. Her actions are unfair. She needs to give him a wide berth, NOT try to pair him off with anyone (what is he, a breeding pet?!) and leave him be until he has developped a comfortable detachment from her. 2
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 100% unacceptable in my book for the following. He still has feelings for her and she is aware of it. Also if she changed her number when they broke up how did he get her new number? She seeked him out because of an old book? That's an excuse to get in touch with him. She did not have to contact him, she could have given it to a common friend or drop it at the reception of his dorm. If she doesn't understand your concern and still go ahead with being in touch with him, having him over, then her loyalty lays with him, not with you. Your relationship is bogus. I am very sorry 1
Gloria25 Posted August 31, 2014 Posted August 31, 2014 I recommend initiation of launch sequence.... I mean, this guy is/was an abusive jerk and seems to be a sociopath...Yet, she has something in her (that she probably needs to get counseling for) that makes her like to play the game with him. Ever hear of the saying "it takes two to tango"? Be glad you dodged this bullet. This girl has some issues and unless you were f-in with her mind, her interest in you probably was gonna fade away. You are in college and are young. Don't take dating so seriously - especially with the flakey chicks in your age group. This experience teaches you that in college you are gonna have the opportunity to experience different chicks so when you are in a better place in your life and ready to commit - you know how to weed out the bad women.
Author JBates Posted August 31, 2014 Author Posted August 31, 2014 Thank you everyone for your inputs. I honestly don't know what to do right now. I looked up signs on how to know if she is shes cheating and the only thing she matched was she started talking to her ex again. We are still intimate and she still talks about the future with me. Im even having dinner with her family tomorrow. I've never been the jealous type before but this is all I can think about now. Like earlier today I called her and she didn't answer. All I could think about was her talking to him instead of me. Its sickening to me. Am I in the wrong for thinking like this?
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