Broke up with him, but I didn't want to. Really long, sorry about that.

[Marzanna]

Hi LS. I'm new here, to start with. And I am really struggling with my situation, so I thought it would be nice to join a forum... there's a part of me that is worried about being too specific about what's going on and having it found or something, but I guess that doesn't really matter anyway.

 

Me and my ex were both in grad school, but in different programs. He's in his 30s, I am 25. I had liked him for a long time before we got together, but he was currently in a (apparently soon to be short-lived) relationship with someone. There's a lot of different... factors that go into why I am feeling so betrayed and hurt outside of the relationship ending, so I'm not entirely sure where to start.

 

Mistake number one was mine---getting involved in the first place. His ex showed up at his doorstep (after some talks about her moving down to where we are, but no definitive plan) with all of her stuff and said she had quit her job. They lived together for about a month before breaking up. Within that time period, they found out she was pregnant. She took over the counter tests that kept turning up negative (apparently), told him everything was fine and her periods were irregular, and then when he finally pushed her to get it checked and came out positive, it was too late for an abortion. They tried to get it to work for a few weeks before he said definitely not, the relationship was toxic, she was manipulative, said that she just wanted to be a mom and didn't want to work, and then claimed that she had hoped having a child would keep them together and get him to marry her. Eventually she moved out, albeit she did this by telling a church that helped people with domestic abuse issues that she was in a dangerous situation.

 

Around the same time he first found about the pregnancy (maybe a few weeks after this), I lost my virginity to rape. I had dated before, but my last relationship ended up almost exclusively long-distance due to situational factors, and dragged on for two years even after we realized we weren't going to be living in the same area again. Anyway, I had feelings for my soon-to-be-new-ex and I was struggling with a lot of hopelessness and depression and worthlessness. I felt like he was a good person who I didn't deserve, etc. A few months down the line, I just decided I didn't care and deserved to have a friendship with someone I really liked and admired. At this point, his relationship with her was over and she had moved out.

 

Well, our friendship developed relatively quickly into a relationship. Looking back, I realize we were both vulnerable. The difference was that I was vulnerable and had feelings for him, and he was in denial about his situation and needed a distraction. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit.

 

Things were pretty great. We had lots in common, similar outlooks, were emotionally connected and were starting to talk about future plans. We both realized the situation was going to be difficult because he was going to be a father, and because of his childhood, he said it was important for him to be in his child's life and do what he could to be a father given the circumstances. I have had good experiences with stepparents in my own life, and I was willing to make sacrifices because I loved him.

 

When the baby was born, it was like a flip switched and everything changed. His plan of immediately getting a paternity test, his name on the birth certificate, and filing for joint custody? Completely gone.

 

Instead of doing that, when he found out she hadn't put him on the birth certificate and didn't tell him about the baby's birth until 3 weeks after the fact because she was angry with him for dating someone, his new revised plan was to just plead with her to put him on it. He says he doesn't want to do a paternity test because he doesn't want to "poke his child with another needle." He wants to avoid going through the court system because it would "stress her and the baby out" and because he wants to avoid making the situation hostile, because she's threatened to take the baby away and currently holds all the power. He constantly checks his phone to see if she's texted him about when he can see the kid, texts her for pictures, and claims that the only thing he's ever thinking about and his only priority is his kid. He says that he'll put up with her manipulations because being a father is about sacrifice. The whole "court" thing will only happen if she puts off putting him on the certificate for what appears to be an ever extending deadline, or if her demands become too ridiculous. Nothing short of ordering him to cut off his balls, though, because he already either outright stated or insinuated (and didn't know what to say when pressed) that he'd move across the country, drop out of grad school, and end our relationship if any of those irritated her enough to "make it difficult to see his son."

 

I have no idea what is running through his mind, because it sounds like he's functioning on purely obsessive emotions and consumed with the thought of her taking the baby away and being a deadbeat dad (like his was). He went from "it would be inappropriate to even stay at his ex's on the couch" to "I don't know if I could bring myself to leave the baby at night." (Background: His ex lives about four hours away, refuses to move, and just started a year-long internship. I am currently living at a midway point between the two. The plan was to visit me on the weekends he could manage, drive out and spend the day with his kid, drive back and stay with me.)

 

There is no middle ground with him. Everything reasonable we discussed, ways we could make this work, concessions I was willing to make because I wanted to support him in being a good dad, even not visiting me as frequently until I could move down there... they were all just tossed aside because of these grand statements about how "If I could see my kid every second of the day, I would do that. So I can't make any promises about visiting you consistently, because what if I am allowed to come over all weekend every weekend? What kind of father would I be if I didn't?"

 

I am just so lost, because I've never seen anyone act this way. At no point was I asking him or wanting him to choose. People have more than one relationship in their lives... more than one priority in terms of people. How else would people raise kids together if they completely dismissed the other parent's needs? I've talked to so many people, people who have kids, and everyone just says that he's off his rocker and that something about having and seeing the kid triggered some deep-rooted fears and issues he had as a kid with his father.

 

As much as I wanted and was willing to work with it, I have too much respect to let myself be tossed aside like that. Not after everything I've been through and everything I've given. So I said we needed space, which hurt him at first, but then he said we'll see how things are in a month or two. But he still adds in statements like "I might not be ready to date again for potentially a year" and "I can't promise to be a consistent enough presence in your life to warrant your affection" all while not breaking up with me, still coming to see me (even when he's not mentally really there). The space we talked about was "taking one step back", not breaking up, and seeing how we felt in a couple of weeks. I was going to visit family out of state so it worked out. Well, I talked to family and friends, and two days later, I ended things for good. I was pretty angry, so I said a lot of what I said here, about how his priorities mix-ups were excuses, how he is not handling major life changes/stresses in a way that is conducive to sharing your life with someone else, and how the way he's handling the situation with the baby is just... disappointing and a complete 180 from everything he said prior.

 

He apparently did not take this well, because after trying to defend himself, along with lots of "I was more selfish than I thought" "I didn't protect you enough from the situation" and bla bla bla, our conversation stopped because he went to work. After he got off, he posted some public facebook message talking about how wonderful of a mother and protective his ex was being, and how thankful he was that she gave him this wonderful gift. I found it to be humiliating because he talked trash about her to me and his friends, and he was dating me and no one knew we had ended things. It was also completely inconsiderate and disrespectful and did not need to be public. I don't know if he is just in lala-land and doesn't understand how hurtful it was, or if it was intentional. But in any case, I was just done with it all and I deleted his number and blocked him on everything. That was a week ago.

 

I feel betrayed and tricked, like he was using me as a distraction from reality and tossed me aside when something more pressing came up, with absolutely no desire to work on things. He gave me no heads up that it wouldn't be something we could work on, or even asked if we could take a break while he sorted out things. Just. I don't even know. I am hurt that he pursued me to begin with, knowing what I've been through. If he had even an inkling that he didn't think he could handle both, he should not have pursued anything with anyone. Nothing about this situation was new. He had 9 months to figure this out.

 

I'm sorry for the very long post. There's a part of me that is just disappointed and thinks he's selfish and is honestly worried for the child because of the way the parents are (history-wise). Not to mention the mother isn't putting him on the certificate so she can get money without the state taking child support money, which is both paternity and welfare fraud. I don't even think he knows this, but I have no desire to help him out with that situation anymore. He had plenty of time to figure out what he needed to do legally, and if he wants to be her toy, then I guess he can deal with the consequences. There's another part of me that keeps thinking of how he was before this, and wondering if it's just something that will fade and go away and that he'll magically come to his senses.

 

I ended things 10 days after the baby was born because once things are said, they can't be unsaid. As much as I want him to not be crazy, I think it's who he is and it would have come out at a later date. And unfortunately, I have some of his things in my apartment and he has some of my stuff in a storage unit nearby. I really don't want to see him again even to exchange items, because I want to take this month I have before my next semester of school starts to move on, and I am afraid seeing him will restart the process, or that he'll say something to make me reconsider.

Edited August 31, 2014 by Marzanna